Osama BinLid: "Da Da Da"!!!!!!!!!!

Uh-oh!!!!!!!!

I've got a Casio VL-Tone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I can play Trio's "Da Da Da" on it!!!!!!!!!! Thus apparently I am in communication with Al Quieeda, and should be worried about probability of extraordinary rendition to Guanatamaumano Bay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eurovision 2005: Cuban folk- with yodelling!!!!!

Yes, tonight is the Eurovision Semi Finals, the quiet part of the Eurovision Song Contest where all the good songs get knocked out!!!!!!! I've heard most of the tunes tonight so you don't have to!!!!!!!! So here goes with my preview!!!

15. Austria. Pretty decent- cuban folk and yodelling!!!!!
16. Lithuania. OK- Texas-tyle rock-dance hybrid...
17. Portugal. Reasonably catchy, but nothing special...
18. Moldova. This is my favourite!!!! Great catchy rock number, with great "whistle" hook!!!!!
19. Latvia. Ballady stuff in the vein of Savage Garden!!!! Not bad actually...
20. Monaco. Like one of those orchestra-laden ballads you used to get in 70s Eurovision!!!!!!!! Yawn!!!!!!!!!
21. Israel. Sounds like one of those ballads that J-Lo or Christine Aguilera use to fill up their albums!!!!!!!!! Avoid!!!!!
22. Belarus. Bit bizzare this one!!!!! Starts off sounding all guitary like an 80s Bonnie Tyler record, then suddenly turns into something like Ronnie Hazelhurst ripping off an old Bobby Orlando record!!!!!! To the tune of "I Will Survive"!!!!!!!! Despite this, it's not particularly good.
23. The Netherlands. Really really terrible ballad!!!!!!!!!!
24. Iceland. Very well executed pop but not exactly impressive... One of many gazillion entries this year either influenced by Middle Eastern strings and percussion!!!!! Or at the very least ripping off elements of Britney's "Toxic"!!!!!
25. Belgium. Hilariously over-the-top kitchen-sink ballad!!!!!!!! I'm surprised they didn't have fireworks exploding at the end of it!!!!!!!!!!
26. Estonia. A bit like the Donnas, only not quite as good!!!!!
27. Norway. Big Hair 80s rock a la Bon Jovi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's a pretty decent tune as well!!!!!
28. Romania. Another Ronnie Hazelhurst Does Dance!!!!! (Though a bit better than the Belarus one...)
29. Hungary One of those "modern pop with folkie bits thrown in" numbers!!!!!!! This is supposed to be one of the favourites!!!! Despite this, it's not bad.
30. Finland. Sounds very much like a 70s folkie-rock number!!!!! You half expect Gerry Rafferty to come in on the chorus!!!!!
31. FYR Macedonia. Pop on auto-pilot!!!! Yawn!!!!!!!
32. Andorra. More auto-pilot pop!!!! ZZZzzz!!!!!!!!!!
33. Switzerland. Crikey, this is a dark tune by Eurovision standards!!!!! One of the lines goes: "Cool vibes, why don't you kill me?" then jumps in a 80s rock arrangement of the type that Cher used to sing along to!!!!!!!!!
34. Croatia. The song's a bit meh, but the arrangement's quite nice!!!!!!!
35. Bulgaria. Not heard yet!!!!!!!!
36. Ireland. I think Ireland's trying to a do a Father Ted here and enter the worst possible song in order to not stand a chance of winning and hosting the thing the following year!!!!!!! The tune really is utter bobbins, the arrangement might as well be done on a Bontempi organ, and it appears to be sung by the Irish equivalent of Cindy and Bert!!!!!!!!
37. Slovenia. This is a bit wierd as it appears to be a cross between a standard syrupy pop ballad and one Muse's more dramatic show-stopping numbers!!!!!!!! Doesn't exactly save it though!!!!!!!
38. Denmark. Hmmm... Starts off like a ballad then turns into a bit of light reggae for the chorus!!!! Like that's going to lift it up!!!!!
39. Poland. Not heard yet, but I'll be interested to see what they'll come up with!!!!

My fave 3 are: Moldovia, Austria, Norway!!!!!

Damned if you do (Switch on Xmas lights in Cambridge!!!!)!!!!

Well, here's a couple of things I never expected to see in the 21st century!!!!!

8. Xmas lights in Cambridge!!!!!!!
9. Someone famous switching on the Xmas lights in Cambridge!!!!! (Apparently in previous years such personages included the mighty Christopher Biggins!!!!!!!!!!)
10. A punk rock beat combo who were mainly famous a quarter of a century ago switching on the Xmas lights in Cambridge!!!!!
11. Various members of the clergy getting hot under the collar about a punk rock beat combo who were mainly famous a quarter of a century ago switching on the Xmas lights in Cambridge!!!!!

But it's happened!!!!! Apparently some bloke from some church is a bit put out at The Damned flicking a switch because "We should not give a major function over to a group that goes out of its way to deny what Christmas is about.". Because as everybody knows, Christopher Biggins switching on a load of fancy lights signalling the onset of the busiest season in a major thoroughfare of concentrated free-market capitalism is exactly what the birth of the Baby Jesus was all about!!!!!

Crikey!!!! Just as well I kept quiet about Sidney Devine switching on the Milton Christmas Lights!!!!!! That funny woman from down the pub would have probably annoyed me for about 34 seconds!!!!!!

US economy = Jumbo Doodle!!!!!!

Well, I bet you never thought there was a connection between the global economic implication of the state of the US economy, and an extinct relative of Jumbo!!!!!

But there is!!!!! And here is the evidence!!!!!

When the US treasury secretary John Snow speaks in London tonight, he will have plenty to say about Europe's weak record on economic growth. Yet we fear Mr Snow will have too little to contribute on the mammoth US deficits in trade and public finance that have led to a faltering US dollar.

Well I never!!!! I didn't know my financial well-being was affected by the deficits of wooly mammoths!!!! Mind you, as they were big creatures, they must have done pretty large deficits!!!!!!! They must have crapped over huge areas of land!!!!!

No wonder it affects the economy!!!!! The stock market must take a bit of a hit every time a bit of prime real estate is found to have been a proto-elephantine convenience in the last Glacial period!!!!!!!

On The Road- on a Sinclair C5 on a pogo stick!!!!

Peeps who say I'm often a bit "down" on Americans are of course complete and utter cretins!!!!! I'm the first to recognise the amazing achievements of Yankie Boffinz!!!!! And here's an American story to warm the heart of your cockles!!!!!!! A bunch of folks have completed a journey across America... on Segway transporters!!!!!! Obviously going at the pace of a snail was designed to give the intrepid explorers a "true picture of America" or something!!!!!!! (As opposed to merely zapping across the continent on a Scramjet!!!!!)

Anyway, they've ended up Boston, of Tea Party fame!!!! (Which, when you think of it, is a jolly funny name, as they didn't actually drink any tea!!!!! Maybe they should have called it The "Boston Throwing The Tea Into The Sea Party", but that would be hard to fit on an invite card!!!!!!!!! But I digress!!!!!!) Anyway, as the they say on the site "... in the midst of all of this comes a lone Segway rider -- Josh Caldwell -- who will become another legendary figure in the history of the greatest city in the greatest country. Move over pilgrims..."

No doubt there will be erected in Boston, a 10ft statue in gold of a man on a unicyclical electrically power vehicle, riding into history!!!!!!! Then, when you're an old man, you can travel to Boston (Assuming it hasn't fallen into the sea!!!!!!!!) and tell all the young whippersnappers that you remember when you read about this on Senior Citizen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's like "The X Factor"- with CVs!!!!!

What would you do if you're on tha dole, and want to make a CV that really stands out?!?!?!? Well, this Frenchie chappie has set the bar somewhat, (In much the same way that Englebert Humperdink set the bar on classic pop gramophones!!!!) by doing his CV as a jolly little musical flash animation!!!!!! So now you can see a funny animation occompanied by someone who's not exactly Val Doonican singing in a funky French accent about how he started off coding in Visual Basic!!!!!!

Maybe we should wheel a laptop with this onto the "audition" bit one of those "reality" talent shows in order to see Simon Cowell's face!!!!!! It would certainly be more interesting than watching flipping Darius try his luck again!!!!!!!

Peeps asleep- on da W(e)eb!!!

The great thingy about the megmighty HyperInpho BroadPipe NetWeb CyberBlog BBSpace thingy is the amount of new things one learns about foreign cultures!!!!!!!!!! For one, I didn't know that if I were in Tokyo at night, I'd have to step over as many peeps sleeping in da street as in London Town!!!!!

However, these are not your usual tramps and layabouts!!!!!! In fact, they all dress in suits!!!!! That's because they work jolly hard during the day!!!! Yes, in fact, they're industrious Japanese office workers!!!!! So industrious, that they often take a quick involuntary "nap" on the way home to their "pad"!!!!!!!! And this fabulous w3sitey records the phenomenomenemononmeomn!!!!! And even funnier are the comments afterwards!!!!

Now this is the best reason I have to go to Japan. Sure the women are fine, but people sleeping in the streets?!?! Rock on! I can't wait to sleep in the street, I do it here all the time. People think I'm nuts. And I am.

Mind you, they eventually degenerate into the usual bunch of Americans waving their genitalia around, and then being surprised when the rest of the planet decides to kick them in the goolies!!!!!

Music unrelated to Hovis!!!!

This is interesting!!!!!! Seems some beat combo called Wilco got dropped by their record company because their thought their gramophone was bobbins!!!! Then said group streamed the disputed gramophone on da NetWeb, then when it was finally released by some other folks, it became a popular chart hit platter!!!!!

Anyway, here's an interview thingy with the wonderfully named Jeff Tweedy from said beat combo!!! Among the interesting observations in the interview include the lack of resemblence of popular music to "a loaf of bread" or a "a tennis shoe"!!!!

Blimey!!!! If the music industry can't tell the difference between a CD and Hovis, then no wonder they're in trouble!!!!! Can you imagine trusting an entire industry to people who put CDs in toasters?!?!?!?!?

Scram, jet!!!!!!! (At eleventy bazillion miles an hour!!!!!)

Hello folks!!!!!!! Have you ever wanted to go at the speed of over 9 times the speed of sound (Yes!!!!! 9 times the amount of 'elephants' it takes for the text from this screen to reach your eyeballs!!!!) in the upper atmosphere of Planet Earth on a tiny jet thingy for about 10 seconds before landing in tha briney!?!?!?!? Well, now this technology has came to pass!!!!!!

It's all thanks to a NASA "scramjet" (So-called presumably because it retires at great speed!!!!!) They didn't actually put any peeps on it, because with all the G-Force they would become like Mr Stick-Man!!!!! (And by G-Force, I of course mean, gravity, not some wacky folks in capes who battle Zoltar!!!!!) Apparently it was launched in a rocket wot is called "Pegasus"!!!!!!

Crikey!!!! I thought scientests were too scientifically minded to go in for all that astrology gubbins!!!!!!

Web Peeps Say tha darnest things!!!!

Seen on Freepers.com, where all those funy folks from Jerry Springer shows meet and talk about politics!

I have a REALLY dumb question; can I just burn that [downloaded video file] to a CD, or do I have to burn a DVD?

And the reply:

DVD, have already tried a CD but get sound only.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blog Da Bus!!!!!

Have you ever caught an vehicular omnibus downtown to tha "big smoke" (By which I course mean London Town, not your local volcano!!!!!) and thought "Hmmmm.... I bet the peeps who read tha megamighty inphopipeway w3space will be thrilled if I write loadsa screeds and pix about this in my blogsitey!!!!!"?!?!?!?!?

Well, OK, I haven't, but this bloke does- about the really fascinating and interesting No. 73 bus!!!!

Get your end away- with a tooth!!!!!!!

Remember way back in tha olden days, I mentioned this thingie called Bluetooth!?!??!!? Well, now some bright sparks at the Independent newspaper (The one wot went tabloid size!!!) have discovered that one can use the now (finally!!!) blossoming technology to solicit mutal assignations of the extra-mural physical variety!!!! Yes, that right, you can use tha latest tech to get some good old fashioned rumpy-pumpy!!!!!!! And now loads of other people have noticed!!!! Even Wired's reporting on it, which probably means it's "dead" now!!!!!!!!

The advent of this "Toothing" lark no doubt explains the funny reactions of some to my declaration that since I discovered Bluetooth, my dongle has been in constant usage!!!!!

It's Europe's Mayday- thanks to a tortoise!!!!!

You might have dimly noticed that the funny accountant type wot runs Britannia is wanting to let the great unwashed have their say with a referendum on a new constitution for tha EU!!!!! No doubt, it'll bring out all the usual types wanting to defend Britain from a EU "monolith" which presumably wants to force hideous continental concepts like integrated public transport systems on Britain!!!!!

Well, the EU might be big at the mo, but on the 1st May, it'll get even bigger, when 10 former Eastern Bloc (You can tell they're Eastern, becuase they spell "block" funny!!!!) nations join!!!!! Among them is Lithunia, who have now got this "label" to describe their economy!!!! You know the type- smaller countries that do well with their ecomonies get called things like "the Celtic tiger", "the Nordic leopard", "the Latin hamster", "the Balkan Platypus", etc., etc., Well, apparently Lithuania is the Baltic Tortoise!!!!!!!!

Wot, like they all eat lettuce and go to sleep for 6 months up there!?!??!

Wot the f@£$!?!?!?!?

Flippin' eck!!!!! Probably says a lot that I went to Dublin for a jolly, and then I wake up and find myself in Barcelona!!!!!!! In Spain!!!!! In Europe!!!!!! In planet Earth!!!!! In tha solar system!!!!!! In the Milky way (OK, I'll stop now!!!!)!!!!! It was a bit easy to mistake the two places, because apart from the completely different geography, massively bigger size, the slightly sunnier weather, and the fact that tha locals speak in two completely different lingos to English, the two cities are completely similar!!!!! And by "lingo" I of course mean words wot you speak, not antipodean feral canines!!!!! (And I'm not just talking about their teeth either!!!!!!!)

Anyway, I'm back!!!!!!! Although I will be making an appearance in Spain again next week!!!!! And I might even write about it this time!!!!!!!

By the way, you may have noticed that Blogger now allows posts to have titles!!!!! Well, you may not have noticed, but I certainly have!!!!! And now, you can get all these super-duper posts on tha state of tha w3 on your newsie-reader thanks to a new RSS feed on this site!!!!!! Amazing or wot?!?!?!? Wot?!?!?!?!?

A Fart In Dublin!!!! - Part 1!!!!!!!

Hello peeps from the city of Dublin!!!!!!!!! In the Republic of Ireland!!!!!!! If you don't know where that is, Old Fart 2 da rescue!!!!! Just take a world map, and search with a suitably ginormus looking glass for the little tiddly spots on the map marked "Great Britain"!!!!!!! The Republic of Ireland's in the little tiddly spot to the left!!!!! Well, the one that's not the Isle of Man!!!!!!!! Anyways, I'm in this jolly little net cafe in Grafton Street, as seen on this jolly useful map, typing in this crap!!!!!!!

Or rather, I would, because I'm now being told to get out because it's late and the owners want to go to bed!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well, C U (!!!!) 2morrow!!!!!!!!

Swimming- in simulated snot!!!!!

Hello peeps!!!!! Have you ever coughed some phlegm up, and then wondered what it would be like to swim in it?!?!?!?!? I know I haven't!!!!!!! But this lot have!!!!!!!!! They've stuck some "special ingredient" called Guar (So called presumably because it has the same consistency as fresh birdy-doo-dahs!!!!!!!!) into a University of Minnesota swimming pool to make the water more "gloopy", then swam around in it to see what it was like!!!!!!!! Dunno why tho!!!!!!! And they don't know either!!!!! But apparently it's "a lot more fun than casting membranes"!!!!!!!! Which to be honest, might mean the same as "a lot more fun than inserting a cruise missle up one's rectum" as far as I know!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chip on shoulder about chips on shoulders- about chips!!!!!

Now some of you might be dimly aware that with the crap weather and crap diet, all us Scottish folk are supposed to be dropping dead of heart attacks all the time!!!!!! Which is news to me I can tell you!!!!!! If I have dropped dead in the recent past I would certainly know about it!!!!!!!! So it's a nice breath of fresh air to read this article by some bloke, which also scores highly by declaring this previously unsaid truism:

Scotland's stony fields are in fact, particularly suited to growing turnips. People from other countries may wish for a clean tomato salad; dream longingly of freshly-picked mushrooms; yearn for Russian cabbage or sharp green peppers. Nobody in the history of the world has ever, ever thought, "What I really want tonight is a big plate of mashed spew" - which is what turnips taste of.

Give this gentleman a knighthood, I say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Straight Outta Westminster!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!!!! When I was a young man I didn't expect to hear of politicians cutting a hit record!!!!!!! But that's mainly because the gramphone didn't exist then!!!!! Which is a shame really, because I would have really liked to hear "The Sir Robert Peel Hot Five Go Beat Crazy!!!!!!" or "Benjamin Disraeli Hangs Loose!!!!!!"!!!!!!! But even in tha 60s, when everyone was supposed to be taking off all their clothes and smoking funny cigarettes, you wouldn't have heard of "The Sir Alec Douglas-Hume Jazz Explosion!!!!!" or "Harold Wilson Gets Funky!!!!!"!!!!!!!! In fact, the nearest we got was the Ted Heath Band, and that didn't even feature the real Ted Heath, but some bloke with the same name!!!!!! Talk about a swizz!!!!!!!!!!

So it's definately a bit of a shock to hear ancient Parliamentarian (By which I mean an old bloke wot was an MP!!!!!!! And not a former member of an influential funk band as you may think!!!!!) Tony Benn is now considered a rappy chappy!!!!!! At least according to this fabby webby sitey by CBM International, who are clearly down on their luck since people stopped buying their Amigas!!!!!!!!! "Tony Benn's Greatest Hits is a compilation album of memorable speeches delivered by one of the greatest orators of our time, set to music composed by a 21st century maestro." says some bloke. But they don't say which one is the bloke formerly known as Anthony Wedgewood-Benn!!!! For all we know, he might be a "21st century maestro", and all those speeches he made were complete and utter crap!!!!!!!!!!

So, sort it out el pronto, you buffoons!!!

Hip-hop: minus the foreskins!!!!!

Well, tha megamighty UK rap scene has already brought us the genius of MC Pitman, so it's about time the US caught up instead of giving us all the usual angry rappy chappies who go on about going to a club, drinking a lot of expensive alcoholic beverages, smoking a few "Jazz cigarettes", getting in a fight over who is biggest in the trouser department, then copping off with some female of the fairer sex!!!!!!!! Sounds like an average night down my local pub if you ask me!!!!!!!!!

Erm, where was I?!??!? Oh yes, the new trend in the US apppears to be: Jewish Hip-hop!!!!!!! Apparently, it's like ordinary hip-hop except it's not anti-semitec!!!!!!! Anyway, here's three new ones from this burgeoning new avenue of musical expression!!!!

• 50 Shekel!!!!!!!!
• Solomon & Socalled!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Two Live Jews!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I'm not entirely sure, but the last one may be a "joke" act!!!!!!!!!!

Hold ya mouf- about tha (Beautiful) Souf!!!!!

U-no, I've been occasionally gabbing away on the boards!!!!!! By which I of course mean conversing on the internet, not vomiting profusely on stage!!!!! And today I notice there's some discussion about "Defending the Indefensible: The Beautiful South"!!!!!!!! Which refers to the apparently impossible task of saying nice things about the popular music band of that nomenclature, not a strategy to defend The Channels Islands from The Germans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyway!!!!! Some folks were saying that some "ironic" combo called Black Box Recorder are like "The Beautiful South with cred" Hmmm!!!!! Does that make The BS (!!!!!!) the Black Box Recorder with decent tunes??!?! :) I dunno exactly what's "indefensible" about the South, as opposed to, say, Savage Garden or some other vaguely innoffensive middle of the road popuplar beat combo!!!!! I wouldn't exactly want to buy their albums, but I have to admit, they're a pretty decent singles band!!!!! In fact they're probably one of those band who in future will sell their "Ultimate Greatest Hits!!!!" type album with adverts that go "You may know more of their songs than you think you do!!!!" type voiceovers like they did with Crowded House compils and so on. I mean anyone remember:

• Song For Whoever?!?!
• Old Red Eyes Is Back?!??!?!
• A Little Time!??!?! (Which I think is pretty underrated, you know!!!! Espcially since it inched all the way to the top of the brit hit parade!!!!)
• Rotterdam!??!?!
• Don't Marry Her?!?!?!
• Even Perfect 10 is not too bad either!!!!!!

OK, they're not exactly the Jesus and Mary Chain, but their acheivement in the singles department certainly beats that of the Nolan Sisters, and I don't see no Nolan-hataz on tha NetWeb, so "Don't Make Waves" with the South!!!!!!!!