Friday, October 20, 2000

Friday's cheesy rhyming quote!!!!

Drive with care. Life has no spare. [Erm... So there!!!!]

Robby the Robot- versus Michael Schumacher!!!!!

It's time for another groovy Murray Walker impersonation- hold your sides!!!!!

And!!! We're!!!! Coming!!! Up!!! To!!!!!! The!!!!!!! Finishing!!!! Line!!!!! With!!!! Michael!!!! Schumaker!!!!! Ah!!! Head!!!! Of!!!!! Ayrton!!! Senna!!!! And!!!!! OH-WOT-A-SURPRISE-THEY-HAVE-BOTH-BEEN-OVERTAKEN!!!!! By!!!! Rob!!! Bee!!! The!!!! Ro!!! Bot!!!! Who!!!! Is!!!! The!!!! Winner!!!!!!

An unlikely scenario?!?!??!?! Well, you might think so, but this lot don't!!!!!! They want to build a computer driven care that can beat world class racers!!!!!

Even older than me!!!!!!!

You know, I'm an old man!!!!!!! But even I'm not 260 million years old!!!!!!! However, this next creature is!!!!!! It's older than the dinosaurs- and we're not talking about Wishbone Ash and Van Der Graff Generator here!!!!!!!!

Well, I say creature- but it's actually some bacteria, which has been revived after 260 million years!!!! Which means it's old enough to have seen the first episode of Doctor Who!!!!!!

Wot do you mean that last link didn't work!!!!!! Well, I dunno wots wrong with that server!!!!! However, it's only run by Reuters, the world's most famous press agency!!!!! Why would they be worried!!!!!! Anyway, there's an alternative link...

Rage Against... Rage Against the Machine!!!!!

Now Rage Against the Machine- they were a funny band, weren't they!??!?!?! They started of as a kick-bottom rock act with some 12 year-old shouting over it!!!!!!!! Then they went away!!!!!! Then they returned as kick-bottom hip-hop group with guitars, and they still had that 12 year old (Zack Delacrotch or whatever his name is!!!!) shouting over it!!!!!

Well, looks like Zack grown up now, because he's now telling the rest of RATM: "F@£% you, I won't do what you tell me!!!!"!!!!!!! And now he's left them!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 19, 2000

Thursday El Quoto de Bizzaro!!!!

A true hypochondriac is one who can tell you exactly how many measles he had. [Erm, whereas if it's a women who tell you such details, she's not a hypchodriac?!?!?!?!]

Creation book- is a crap creation!!!!!!!

I have on my desk the shoddiest book I've ever seen. No doubt. A leading contender for the title of the laziest, most incompetent, lamest piece of publishing perpetrated on these Isles. With one of the ugliest covers I've ever seen. Generously laced with typos, topped with mistitled chapters because somebody has forgotten to type over the default setting. Paolo Hewitt's bewilderingly titled Alan McGee & The Story Of Creation Records: This Ecstasy Romance Cannot Last is a book with no shame. None whatsoever.

You know, I get the strange feeling this person here didn't like Paolo Hewitt 's new book on the Creation record label!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hear HAL- for real!!!!!

Looks like that 2001: A Space Oddessy is turning out to be a bit more accurate than we first thought!!!!!!! For example that bit where that astro dude is disabling HAL, and the supercommputer decided to take 3 million years singing some nursery rhyme!!!!!!! Well, it's based on a real computer from 1963!!!!!! Unfortunately there's no record of whether this compute tried to kill it's boss as well!!!!

Wednesday, October 18, 2000

Wednesday's utterly brilliant quote!!!!

No-one is ever too old to learn, but many people keep putting it off anyway. [Unlike me of course!!!!!!]

Sine-wave antics- from tha radiogram!!!!!!

I reckon that DJ Taylor should at least be old enough to have heard tha Doctor Who theme tune!!!!!!!! Well, if you're old enough, you might like this little trip down memory lane!!!! Here's a spiffy little article about the BBC Radiophonics Workshop, which used loads of bits of tape and sinewave generators to make TV themes that you could probably knock out on a Casio VL-Tone these days!!!!!!!!!

DJ ignorant of "Speed Garage"!!!!!

Well, one person that definately is putting of the "never too old to learn" bit is this young codger amusingly called DJ Taylor writing an unintentially hilarious article in today's Independent!!!! Apparently, he's a bit flummoxed what with all the new musical genres around these days that weren't around when he were a lad!!!!!!!

'Jungle and drum 'n' bass I could just about provide a working definition of, but what's speed garage?

Crikey O'Reilly!!!!!!! Speed Garage?!?!?!?!?! What year is in your neck of the woods!?!?!! 1997?!??!?!?!

More amusingly is the (positive) description of The Beta Band as sounding "remarkably like nursery rhymes recited above the clash of dustbin lids"

Bet you can imagine him on tha pirate wireless, eh!!!!! "Yo!!!! DJ Taylor in da house, spinning some Beta Band, Captain Beefhart, and John William's Sky on tha dex of steel!!!! Rewind bo selecta!!!!! etc. Incidentelly, can anyone be so kind as to furnish me with a concise explanation of the mechanics of speed garage please?"!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2000

Robby the Robot- is your friend!!!!!

Of course, if any of the above might want to try and "discipline" someone smaller than their own size in future, they might get a bit of a shock when Robby the Robot might puts them over his knee and "lightly" "disciplines" them with a wooden waddle!!!!!

That's because robot's will be a kids best friend, according to some dude who's plugging a book or something!!!!!!

Today, we and our children are amazed by a synthetic creature possessing a dim image of our own consciousness and announcing the advent of a playful world, where the gulf between wish and reality collapses to produce a new kind of creativity.

And that's just him talking about Furby!!!!!!!!

Come to Virginia- and lock your kids in a closet!!!!!!!

You know, I've never been spanked in my life- and it didn't do me any harm!!!!! But on the other hand, you get these oafs who claim they were spanked, and it never did them any harm, then they start foaming at the mouth like raving loonies, demanding their right to whack young kiddies!!!!!!!!! And it's even worse in the US apparently!!!!! Apparently 80-90% of parent spank their kids!!!!!! No wonder S&M's so big over there!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, you'd think that with crime rates in the US getting to really low levels, people wouldn't say really stupid things like "There is a whole generation of young people who are without discipline "!!!!!!!!! But then, this is one of those people who think they are uniquely "religious" when in fact they are uniquely stupid in a way which could not come from anywhere other than the US Bible Belt!!!!!! According to this article, some bloke's idea of the "Biblical Discipline of Children" involves "limited number of wallops with a light paddle on a child's clothed buttocks"!!!!!!!! And it's "not slapping, hitting, beating or punching"!!!!!! Well, that's OK then!!!!! Otherwise I would have thought "Biblical Disciplining" of a child would also include use of a sub-machine gun- but only aimed at the legs of course!!!!!!!!!

Of course, this person better talk to some US states!!!! In Virginia foster parents apparently can punch their young 'uns!!!!! And lock them in closets!!!!!! In Oklahoma, parents apparently have the right to use "to use paddles and switches to spank their children"!!!! Apparently, this was passed to prevent a repeat of the Columbine High School killings!!!!!!!! Presumably, the kids will just shoot their parents instead!!!!

Tuesday Super Quote!!!!

They who practice what they preach may have put in some overtime. [And the person wot wrote that might have to put in some overtime on the grammar front!!!!!! And I'm not talking about old ladies here!!!!!!!!]

RIAA says: Pay to Play!!!!!

Have you ever listened to a beat music recording, then after one listen take out the gramophone and smash it to pieces??!?!?!?!? I know I have!!!!!! But the "high heid yins" of the Recording Industry in the US want to do it too!!!! Even if it's not a Westlife record!!!!!!!

Yes, as this article details, the RIAA appear to be moving towards a "pay-per-listen" model for music, and appear to be boldy taking steps to make sure us poor ol' serfs can't circumvent it!!!!!!

Needless to say, they're a bunch of idiots if they think I'm going to give up my turntable or MP3 Wurlitzer just so they can get some extra money of me!!!!!!!! I've already paid for the records you chumps!!!!!! And I'm in the UK anyway, so it's not exactly my duty as a UK citizen to flippin' well support your US economy!!!!!!!!

MP3s- "pumpin' off the stereo"!!!!

Do you remember the olden days when you used to tape tunes off tha radiogram?!??!?! I know I did!!!!! In fact, I used to edit out the bloody annoying DJs (Like Tiger Tim, Ploppy Phil, etc.) and replace it with my own voice!!!!!!! So you'd get the songs, and then you'd hear me saying: "Well, that was a load of complete shit!!!!! And now here's something even worse!!!!!!" Mind you, it was taped of BBC Radio Cumbria!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, now this lark is back!!!!!!! And now you can get your computer to do it for you with this interesting thingy called SongCatcher, which looks like a radio versh of those spangly new HD recording videogram machines like TiVo and suchlike!!!!!! This one even promises to sort the broadcast into individual songs, which are recognised using "patented technology" or something!!!!!!!!! Tho it'll need to be good to recognise it with a dunderheid DJ blabbering all over it!!!!!!!

Only prob is- if it's taped off the radio, won't it sound like a load of crap?!??!??!?! And given that most of the music on radio stations these days is a load of complete crap anyway, isn't this a bit of a white lemon?!?!??!?! I'd be more impressed if instead of checking songs, it checked against spoken word stations like BBC Radio 4!!!!!!!! Then I could use it to archive all my episodes of The Archers!!!!!!!!!!

I can imagine a massive demand for something like that!!!!!!!!

Security industry = Clueless prats!!!!!

If you want to see a load of really dumb comments about hackers, read this one about the "Security industry" and their reaction to the news that some hackers are joining together to make their own security company!!!!!! Some dude with the wonderful name of Graham Cluely says:

Who is going to buy software from someone who hides behind a pseudonym like 'Shrieking Radish' or 'Colostomy BagBoy' rather than a real name?

Well, erm, presumably the same sort of people who would buy software from a man called "Cluely"!?!??!?!?

Tomorrows newbies- you're idiots!!!!!!

Why!??!?! Well, apparently according to this article, the next generation of net newbies are not going to know about Usenet, IRC and the like because they're going to use custom-made NetWeb set-top boxes provided by their ISPs, including such friendly faces as AOL/Time-Warner, Microsoft/MSN, and Cybermen/Davros/Daleks!!!!!! And they're most likely to regulate their end of tha NetWeb so their "consumers" aren't too educated enough to get ideas above their station!!!!!!!! So you possibly say that it's a "comprehensive" internet they'll be using, whilst you're reading the "grammar school" versh!!!!!!! (And we're still not talking about old ladies here!!!!!!!!)

Gaahh!!!! I remember when this Internet was all text fields you know!!!!!!!! Just as well there's memories filled sites like this so young whippersnappers can learn the "big picture" from old codgers like me!!!!!!

Monday, October 16, 2000

Monday's sarky quote!!!!!

It's nice to kiss the kids goodnight- if you don't mind waiting up for them. [Meow!!!!]

Get analysed- by a computer program!!!! (On AOL!!!!)

Now here's another reason to run a mile from AOL Instant Messager!!!!!!! Now not only will you be drawn into pointless conversations with complete nobodies!!!!!! You'll also be drawn into pointless conversations with complete nobodies who happen to be Perl programs written by someone who has "nothing better to do than play psychoanalyst"!!!!!!

And, the odd thing is that, judging from the conversation transcripts on the site, it's hard to tell the difference!!!!!!