Friday, December 22, 2000

Welcome back!!!!!!

Yay!!!!!! We're back online after that problem Blogspot had with their backbone!!!!!!!!!!!! And just in time for Chhristmas!!!! I've stilll been posting the odd story tho- not as much as I expected, because I was rather busy!!!!!!!! Especially with the run up to the festive season!!!!!!! (Mind you, the fact that I can run up to the festive season at all is a testiment to my strength of fitness at this late stage in life!!!!!!!)

Not that everyone sees this!!!!!! When I was going homewards on the vehicular omnibus, laden with Xmas fayre, what should assault my eyeballs but a disgraceful piece of graffitied slander against the older generation!!!!!! Yes!!!!! Someone had scrawled on the bus wall:

All pensioners should stay at home and leave the normal people in peace

Well, naturally, I wasn't going to take this insult lying down!!!!!! Not that I was lying down of course!!!!!! I was in fact sitting on a seat!!!!! Well, anyway, I wasn't going to take it sitting down either!!!!!! It was time to send a message to the young ruffians (or "neds" as they call them up my end!!!!) who were responsible for this outrage!!!!!!!! So, I quickly scuttled up to the offending scribe with my trusty bingo marker in hand, crossed out the first six letters of "pensioners", and changed the final "r" of that word to "d"!!!!! At which point, I got a standing ovation from the rest of the bus!!!!!! Then the bus driver noticed me taking a bow to the grateful masses, stopped the bus, and took a look at my handiwork!!!!! Then he shaked my hand, got back in the cab, and continued driving!!!!!!!

So take that, you young whippersnappers!!!!!!

Friday's complete and utter contradiction of a quote!!!!!!

Three o' clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. [So what do you suggest one does at three o' clock then?!??!?!?! Something one doesn't want to do?!??!?! Like listen to Westlife or something?!??!?!?!]

Thursday, December 21, 2000

Bang!!! Boom!!!! It's the E-books!!!!!

According to this story, E-books are "Set to Explode"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which sounds jolly dangerous if you ask me!!!!!! I mean, the advantages of the electronic book medium don't exactly in my mind outweigh the obvious disadvantages of a highly combustible piece of experimental technology!!!!!! And even if it were used for practical uses, such as propellant fuel, then it negates the need for writers!!!!!!!! I mean, if it's going to blow up anyway, one could write any old crap!!!!!!!!

Mind you, having read some recent best-sellers, such a situation might not be too far from present day reality!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Simon Carr: The Man With Two Brains!!!!!!!!!

Wow!!!!! Check this out, it's the Parliamentary Review of the Year by Simon Carr!!!!!

By removing the magic, the passion, the peaks and the troughs, Tony Blair has made the contest that is Prime Minister's Question Time his own, his very own.

But someone inside the same paper doesn't agree with that!!!!!!!

The suggestion on the front of The Independent Review today that prime minister's questions has ceased to make a vital contribution to the parliamentary week should be ignored. The writer has no idea what he's talking about. I denounce him. Fire him forthwith.

Who is this dissenter?!?!??! Why, it's ermm, Simon Carr again!!!!!!!

Make your mind up, Simes!!!!!!

News At Ten, with your newsreader.... The Queen!!!!!!!

Welll, I never!!!!! Some Aussie boffins have analysed the Queen's voice from her annual Chrimbo Speech-os, and found that her voice has evolved over time to sound like that of a newsreader!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait for her next speech!!!!!! What's the bets she'll start the summing up by saying: "And finally...."!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then talking about some elephant on a skateboard or something!!!!!!!!! Actually, maybe that last bit is a little unlikely, to be honest!!!!!!!!

If you've got a skeleton in the closet... Don't tell it to John MacLeod!!!!!

U-no, that funny little man from the Isles wot writes for the Glasgow Herald, John MacLeod, used to be really controversial!!!!! Used to write multiple firebrand fulminations regarding how homosexuals deserved to burned at the stake, quickly followed by the Roman Catholics, etc., ... !!!!!! But then for strange some reason, he suddenly quietened down!!!!!!!! Now he's managed to excite some controversy again!!!! In his latest column (ooh-err!!!!), he writes screeds about how society is supposed to be failing children or suchlike!!!!! So wot, you may think, but then he gives a couple of examples from his homeplace, the Isle of Harris!!!! Incuding this one:

There's a little boy I call Twenty Questions, for whenever I meet him - he's allowed to wander the village at all hours, while mum props up a bar - he asks this and that and the next thing.

Unfortunately for him, the mother of said child was most annoyed and wrote a big letter into the Herald slagging him off!!!!! And they published it!!!!!!!!

Does Mr Macleod realise just how damaging his malicious statements can be to a person? When I first moved to this island just over two years ago I had my first experience of how accusations fly round here. This culminated in the police and social work department arriving at my then place of work because of an anonymous phone call to the police accusing me of something very similar to what Mr MacLeod has.

Bet the islanders are really pleased with McLeod for helping to generate this really spiffy Xmas advert for the Isle of Harris, eh!!!!!!!

Mind you, you'd think that as a journalist ol' Johnny boy would be a bit more wary of the problems that can be caused by spreading around stories about people from behind their back... After all, there was this journalist- let's call him Funny Little Man From The Isles Wot Writes For The Glasgow Herald- who used to write multiple firebrand fulminations regarding how homosexuals deserved to burned at the stake, quickly followed by the Roman Catholics, etc., ... !!!!!! And then he had to stop when he realised that if he continued in such a vein, there would be a lot of people who be quite happy to point out that he had just been outed in a gay magazine!!!!!!!

Utterly mystifying Thursday quote!!!!!

Digestion is the great secret of life. [Hmmm.... I think somehow your average biologist would disagree with you there!!!!!!!!!]

Wednesday, December 20, 2000

Archer thrown out of Court!!!!

Lord of bestselling books (Well, OK then- he writes books, and he just happens to be an enobled gentleman then!!!!!) Jeffrey Archer as we mentioned earlier is still fighting a court case.... But what you might not know is that he's been thrown out of court!!!!!! And it's all his fault!!!!!!!!! But in this case, it's all right, he's not going to jail- because it's all an act!!!!!!!!! Yes, Archer's self-penned play The Accused, in which he plays the titular role (Oooh-err, misuss!!!) in a courtroom drama, (Which is presumably in no way like the courtroom drama he's about to take part in for real!!!!!!!! Or he would get "done" by the "Rozzers"!!!!!!!!!) is shutting down because of poor audience numbers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Presumably, Archer went to "appeal" the "verdict", but his "objection" was "overruled"!!!!!!!!!!!

A Brown Christmas!!!!!!!

Well, the chance of us folks in Glasgow, Scotland getting a White Christmas are about one in thirty squillion!!!!!!!!! (!!!!!) But we might be getting a slightly late Brown Christmas- Clyde Brown, that is!!!!!!!!!! No, we're not talking about the latest "trendy" Radio Scotland presenter!!!!!!! We're in fact talking about about a large body of water which runs through a city!!!!!!!!!! It turns out that the River Clyde, which runs through the centre of Glasgow (And is a little mucky- in much the same way as the continent of Antartica is a little "brisk"!!!!!!) is in danger of bursting it's banks next Thursday, and causing city centre flooding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Better get my Christmas shopping done quickly, then!!!!!!!!!

I dunno why I'm typing this!!!!!!!

Honestly!!!!!!! Trust BlogSpot to go temporarilary bye-byes, just I was getting a little busy!!!!!!! Now you won't see my apology for that lack of material on this week due to my current state of busiment!!!!!! In fact, I could type any old crap, and you wouldn't know!!!!!! Look!!!!!!! The aliens have landed!!!!!!!!!! George W Bush has broken down!!!!! See wot I mean?!?!?!??!?! No one's paying attention!!!!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday's slightly unrealistic quote!!!!!!

To make your children capable of honesty is the beginning of education. [Erm, well, I would think that teaching them to talk and listen would be a bit of priority first!!!!!!!! I mean, I haven't exactly seen any reliable proof concerning parental teaching of honesty by means of extra sensory perception, have you?!?!?!?!?]

Tuesdays "Let's contradict Monday!!!!!!" quote!!!!!!

One of the greatest pleasures in life is conversation. [Unless it's conversation with some buffon who can't make up their mind from day to day, that is!!!!!!!]

Monday's rather Neitzschian quote!!!!

The greatest enjoyment in life comes from living dangerously. [Nice one!!!!! I think I'll up sticks and move to the West Bank now!!!!!!]