Wednesday, August 29, 2001

Volcano might cause a big splash- literally!!!!

Well, it might destroy the Canary Islands, New York, Florida, a good part of Morocco and the Brazilian coast, but it'll cause a good "swell" in surfer regions in tha UK!!!!!

It's all to do with the Cumbre Vieja volcano on La Palma in the Canary Isles, where you get pigeons from!!!!!! Apparently, the next time it erupts, "part of a mountain twice the size of the Isle of Man falls into the Atlantic" and causes a "mega tsunami" (which sounds like some 8 year old receiving a Britney Spears CD, then sneezing whilst asking for their mumy!!!!) which will splosh New York, Miami, and large parts of the Brazil coastline out of existance!!!!!!!

Mind you, by the time it reaches the UK, it'll only be 40ft high, so no doubt a lot of "surf" dudes will be out to "ride" the "surf", or whatever it is these young whippersnappers do!!!!! And just think- if you can ride the wave, you'll be able to surf straight into town!!!!! Mind you, there might not be any town to surf into afterwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wired says Jupiter moons are "wierd"!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, really hip-to-beat newsy service Wired has found out that "Jupiter's Moons Are Weird Places"!!!!!!!!!!!

And here's me thinking they were just boring balls of rock!!!!!!!!!! (Mind you, maybe Wired News was thinking of the incredibly boring 80s UK "soap opera" Jupiter Moon!!!!!!!!!)

Shock news!!!!!! Men are not "emotional mummies"!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, dear readers!!!!!!!!! Are you a man?!?!?!?!? Well, OK, I don't mean: "is the entire collective readership of Senior Citizen composed of just myself!??!?!?"!!!!!!!!!! And I certainly don't mean to ask if all 23 readers of this venerable organ (By which I mean SC, not my other venerable organ, which few have seen, but those who have have been most impressed I can tell you!!!!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!??!) have been combined into a gestalt super-entity whose gender is of the male variety!!!!!! I was referring of course the the individual reader wot might be reading this doggerel, and not everyone!!!!!! Erm... Where was I again?!?!??!?!

Anyway!!!!!! If you (the individual reader) are of the not-so-fairer gender of the opposite sex, wot you might not realise is that some might mistake you for the the other fair gender of the other opposite sex!!!!!! And what's more, they might think you're a crybaby, and that a baby has popped out of your bum!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not because just such people are complete cretins!!!!!!! Apparently there's some widely-held belief that men are "emotional mummies"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I wasn't aware of this!!!!! But don't worry, apparently, it's a load of crap!!!!!!!!!!! Men are supposed to have no problems with their emotions according to boffins, which is just as well, because until then I was walking around like a robot, and asking women What It's Like To Human!!!!!!!! (Actually- I was joking there!!!!!!!!!!! Or am I?!??!?!?!)

Mind you, given all the claptrap that appears to be talked about gender relations these days, I'm not too surprised!!!!!!! Take a look at this!!!!!!!!!

"People fervently believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but the data consistently suggest that this is either inaccurate or grossly overstated"

Hmmm!!!!!! Innaccurate!??!?!? Overstated!??!?!?!? I'd say it's bloody impossible in fact!!!!!!!!!!! Neither Mars nor Venus can support human life, you idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conservative Catfight 5: One Nation Under a Tory Groove!!!!

Well, it's a bit quiet after last weekend when people were queuing up to give a good kicking to anyone with British Nazi Party associations in the Conservative party!!!!! The BNP claimed themselves, with typical cognitive dissonance, to not really being in favour of infiltrating the Tories, having just boasted about having 150-200 of their members in the party!!!! Still, nice to see they're being about "welcoming" their members working for other parties and not being too honest about it, unlike nearly evry politcal party in the UK!!!!!!!!! Sounds like the sort of "democratic" party you could always trust, eh!!!!!!!! Perhaps they should just be honest, and rename themselves to "Lying Fifth-Columnist Nazi Morons R Us!!!"!??!?!?!??!

Ahem, anyway!!!!! Iain Duncan-Smith is a little upset after all this malarkey, and is making a jolly big effort to tell everyone he'll be nice to Johnny Foreigner, (Unless they come Europe, presumably!!!) and even that he's a "One Nation" Tory!!!! Which has caused much hilarity amongst certain columnists!!!! Mind you, some columnists are even more confusing in their reasoning!!!! One in particular, thinks that IDS might "drawn the poison" from the BNP if he becomes leader, as he will be an alternative to the current "consensus" on race relations, forgetting that:
  1. The current consensus from Labour/Tory on race is: "Racism is bad, but Asylum Seekers are worse!!!! So we'll just call them Asylum Seekers instead, because everyone (Or, at least, the Sun) knows they're a bunch of filthy lying scroungers anyway!!!!!!!!!!"
  2. As the columns notes itself, having a mainstream politician (Assuming of course IDS were ever to do this...) talk a load of racist cobblers will just encourage the boneheads on the fringes!!!
  3. This assumes that the Tories will be the only opposition, and race is the only issue anyone's interested in!!!! But there's already serious talk of the Libdems, under "Cheeky Chappy" Charlie Kennedy, actually in danger of replacing the Tories as a serious oppostion party on a wide range of issues, which people might actually give a Scooby Doo about, thus providing an actual proper alternative to the Labour/Tory "consensus"!!!!!!!!!!!

The other big story was a little opinion poll for IDS-supporting broadsheet The Sunday Telegraph, which put IDS' support amongst Conservative members at 76% compared to 24% for his rival Kenneth Clarke, who immediately attacked the poll for perhaps being a little biased!!!!!! Of course, the "Torygraph" might have another reason!!!!! This interesting article hints that editors might have sided behind particular candidates because they hope to get knighthoods from them when/if they become PM!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I bet you never thought all this malarky might actually be due to Conservative party activists regressing their DNA to Cretacious Tertiary terms as a result of some people with long hair smoking a "French" cigarette in a field whilst listening to a "rave" with The Pink Floyd and Soft Machine in tha olden days!!!!!!!! But apparently it's really be the fault of the hippies in tha flowerpower era that the Tory party looks like a bunch of dinosaurs in tha new YK2 milleniumiunmimum!!!! U C, wot wiv the average age of Tories being around 63, apparently they missed all that "counterculture" type stuff in the 60s, and are supposedly too washed-up to understand Da Real World in 2001!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call that an excuse!??!?!? I'm an old duffer, and I've not been left behind by the Sixties, Seventies, Eighties, Nineties, or Zeros-ies!!!! So put that in your pipe and smoke it- and inhale!!!!! Unless of course, you're a non-smoker.

I know how he feels!!!!!!!!

A friend that ain't in need is a friend indeed - Frank McKinney Hubbard [Well, your mum's cupboard might be bare, but your noggin certainly isn't!!!!!!!!!!]

Boring golf tournament established yonks ago!!!!!!

Bet you didn't know the Walker Golf Cup Tournament was established today in 1922!!!!!!!! And I bet you didn't care too much either!!!!!!!!!!