Thursday, November 23, 2000

Voting trends: dog owners vs tortoise owners!!!!!!!!

I bet the proportion of dog-owners who vote Conservative is significantly higher than, say, of people who own a tortoise.

This is a most interesting article!!!!!!!!!!!! I can see that young Tory chap William Hague jumping on the "Dog Owners" bandwagon now!!!!!!!!!! You can imagine him talking to that "Loaded" maggy in his Yorkshire-accent-with-jaws-wired-together type voice: "Oh well, I think dogs are really great pets, much better than those liberal politically correct metropolitan wine-bar frequenting tortoises!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!

Message to shoppers: "OI!!!! NOOO!!!!!!!"

Have you ever wanted to make a sizeable statement of intent regarding the questionable effects of the sizeable power of consumerist culture!??!?!??!?! Well, now you can- by failing to go to tha shop tomorrow!!!!!!!!

Yes, apparently tomorrow (Nov 24) is International Buty Nothing Day!!!!!!!!! So perhaps you can forgo the light lunch at some fast food joint for a delightful packed-lunch excursion in the park or something!!!!

It's the Ferry Man again!!!!!!

Call me daft, but as urban constituencies go there is a bright, open beauty about Glasgow Anniesland.

Seen from Renfrew ferry, it's a rising blend of tenement, tower block, crane and warehouse, soaring and rolling back to the Kilpatrick Hills. Seen from Jordanhill, it's a tapestry of the endeavours of sincere men, through decades, in wisdom and folly, to house the deserving poor.

Crikey!!!!! John MacLeod, that funny little man from the Western Isles wot writes for the Glasgow Herald, is asked to do a "perspective" on a by-election, and he has to stick another flipping reference to the Renfrew Ferry he seems to like so much!!!!!!!!

OK, John, since you suggested it, we will call you daft- daft on West Glasgow Clyde-based boyant vehicular crossing transport, that is!!!!!!!

Become a journo- and snap your pencil!!!!!

There's a by-election in Glasgow Anniesland today!!!!!!! But apparently the election campaign was really boring!!!!!!!!! But that didn't stop reporters getting a little carried away!!!!!!

When Brian Wilson chaired Labour's second and final press conference, he talked of how his party's candidates had gone directly to the people, campaigned on the doorsteps and generally put themselves about.

Reporters' pencils snapped in disbelief, and when Mr Wilson proceeded to express regret at the "retreat" into fashionable telephone canvassing, some of us watched anxiously to see if we might be injured by the falling ceiling.

Crikey!!!!!! Snapping pencils!!!!! And parnoid visions of unstable architecture!!!!!! And this is just a "boring" by-election!!!!!!!!!!!!

These reporters must be really highly strung!!!!!!!! Maybe they should take a mug of Horlicks and have a lie down or something!!!!!!

Today's rather pointless quote!!!!

Wit is an educated insult. [In which case, you must be a real "wit" to other peoples intelligence, you silly (t)wit!!!!!!]

Wednesday, November 22, 2000

How to do an artwork: drop dead!!!!!!!

Have you ever wondered how to make people remember you when you pop your clogs??!?!?! Well, perhaps you can put something on the wall from you for people in future generations to look at!!!!!!!!!!!

No, I am not talking about committing suicide by blowing off your head with a double-barrelled shotgun, having previously written a will stipulating that a certain wall in the house will never be cleaned!!!!!!!! I am in fact talking about this bunch called Eternally Yours, who take "a small portion of cremains" (?!?!?) and make a painting out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet that'll be a lot of fun in the future, when everyone is supposed to have tons of nanobots inside them!!!!!!! Wot if there's a bunch of nanobots left in the remains and they disagree with the artists design concept?!??!?! Will they "nanobotize" tha painting, and turn it into a Picasso stylee piccy just to annoy him/her?!?!?!??!

He/She would be pretty "cheesed off", I imagine!!!!!!!!! But I expect the nanobots would be falling on the floor laughing!!!!!!!!! If they're actually on the floor of course!!!!!!! But they're probably not!!!!!! They're probably on the painting!!!!! Because they've "nanobotized" the... OK, I'll shut up now!!!!!!

Flash Hack- literally!!!!!!!

Well, some hacks of websites have been getting a bit off the "h3LL0 3l33t3 ha>%<orz!!!1!" type nonsense recently, and actually started to express the odd opinion!!!!!!!! But here's a new one!!!!!!! A hacked site message- done in Flash!!!!!!!!!!!! Will wonders never cease!!!!!!!

Today's extremely ill-judged aphorism!!!!

Scenery is fine, but human nature is finer. [Oh really?!?!?! Well, dunno about you, but given the choice between a little trip through the Scottish Highlands and going on a Nuremburg Rally with Adolf Hitler, I think I know what most sane people would choose!!!!!!]

Time for another spiffy editorial!!!!!!

Hey!!!!! Have you noticed the slight change!??!?!?! The quotes all have different coloured headlines!!!!!

So bloody wot you might say!!!!! But this is merely the first step in the soon-coming design revamp!!!!!!! I've seperated the format of the headlines for the quotes and stories, and moved the location of the stylesheet URL!!!!! It's a bit like the webby equivalent of moving the Kingston Bridge three inches to the South!!!!! As for the revamp, I can promise... Well, I can't promise anything, really!!!!! I haven't finished the design yet!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!

Bush "looks like a chimp"!!!!!!!!

While this big bunfight over who's going to be El Presidente de la US is still going on, here's an interesting page about the bloke who is (currently) ahead!!!!!!!!!! Apparently there's a good reason George W Bush thinks it's "not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature" and wants to have a "foreign-handed foreign policy", and other funny things!!!!!!!!!! He looks like a chimpanzee!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 21, 2000

Robot car- with an outside airbag!!!!!!

Well, at least Victor Meldrew kicked the bucket with a little dignity last night!!!!!! But future generations might find his getting mown down by a car a little implausible!!!!!!!! At least, according to this jolly little article on automobile vehicular techhy thingies!!!!!!!!!
SensorCar uses crash sensors to minimize the results of a crash, pre-tightening seat belts just before the impact is felt by the passengers, and even triggering an external airbag that might lessen the blow to a pedestrian!
Only prob with that!!!!! If there's a massive external airbag blowing up around the car to protect pedestrians, it might look to the pedestrian like they're being attacked by one of those balloon thingies from The Prisoner!!!!!!!! The fright would probably kill them!!!!!!!!!

Jump off a cliff- and light a cigarette!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!! According to some survey, apparently sensation seekers are more likely to take up smoking!!!!!!!!!

So next time you hear some bungee jumper say they do it because it makes them feel more "alive", you can always say "Ho ho!!!!! We'll see about that, won't we!!!!!!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Todays "modest" cheesy slogan!!!!!

Some modest men have a lot to be modest about. [And some don't!!!!! So what was the point of this cheesy slogan then?!??!?!? Apart from some half-baked attempt at being "humourous"?!?!?!?! Pah!!!!!!]

Monday, November 20, 2000

Wots on... Everywhere!!!!!

Crikey!!!!! Those sniffy listings mags like Time Out, who act like they're really cosmopolitan, had better watch out!!!!!!!!! Here's What's Going On, a website devoted to covering what to do- anywhere in the world!!!!!!!! According to today's edition, there's a "Monarch Butterfly Migration" happening in Angangueo, Michoacan, Mexico, and a "Wind Symphony Concert" happening in Flagstaff, Arizona, USA!!!!!!!!!!! Well, that's all from me today, I've got to jump on a plane now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Now pupils, turn to page 14 of your Beano"!!!!!!!

Now this is vaguely interesting!!!!!!! Whilst the Western world is having a bit of a "crush" on Manga/Anime and Pokemon, young people in Japan are getting into a dainty little Scottish-based comic!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it's the Beano, the Dundee kiddies comic, which even I subscribed to when I was a young man!!!!!!! And Dennis the Menace is still as fresh-faced as he was all those years ago!!!!!!!! He must be the Cliff Richard of comicbook cartoons!!!!!!!! Ahem anyway!!!! Young people in Japan are now using this evergreen fountain of kiddie comic youth as an aid to teaching English!!!!!!!! Which might mean a whole new generation of Japanese shouting words like "Crikey!!!!" and "Eeek!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's an "advanced mechanical biped" - called Henry Honda!!!!!!

Here's yet another "Tommorow's World" style story on the latest emerging robot technologies in the Far East!!!!!! Apparently Henry Honda (Or Hyndland Honda, as we call him around these parts!!!!!) has made an "advanced mechanical biped"!!!!!!!!

Mind you, I don't know about NEC's idea of an "egg-shaped" thingy "which rolls around the house looking for faces it can recognize and talk to"!!!!! Wot if it rolls into the kitchen?!??!?!? Won't someone just pick it up, crack it open, and fry it or something?!??!?!??!?!?!

A new dimension in displays!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!!!!!)

Next time you happen to chance upon that "Weakest Link" quiz show programme on tha tellybox and shiver as you see the schoolma'am-ish Anne Robinson say "You are the weakest link- goodbye!!!!!!!!!!", well, perhaps you might want to stop viewing telly altogether!!!!!! In future she might be lunging out of your tellybox- in 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, at least she would be if tha tellybox uses this "volumetric 3D display", anyway!!!!!!!!!!!! Arg!!!!!!!!! Some things are definately better in 2D!!!!!!!

Style & Content- it's like Morecame & Wise!!!!!

Some bloke here has found out what most of us who have been unfortunate to hear a Stereophonics gramophone already know- completely separating style from content is a load of rubbish!!!!!! He has a point you know!!!!!!!!! After all, what would the content of my page be like without my unique style of writing?!??!?!?!

Let's talk about... The Grand Old Duke of York!!!!!

Looks like the Glasgow Herald's getting a bit "lairy" about the current US election kerfuffle, to the point of increasingly obsfucatory journalistic practices in it's Editorial Leader column- mainly concerning a flippin nursey rhyme!!!!!!!!!!!
The road to the White House is rapidly coming to resemble the Grand Old Duke of York's preposterous nursery odyssey.
Dunno about you, but I think that the aforementioned nobleman would be assured of completing said preposterous nursery odyssey numerous times in rapid succession as the scribes of this venerable ancient Scottish broadsheet publication push their loquacity to excessive extremes in order to complete the task of rendering any opinions expressed flipping well unreadable!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're living in a bubble- literally!!!!! (Almost!!!!!)

Have you ever looked up at the sky and saw the stars!?!?!??!! Well, if you did, it must be at night!!!!!!! It would pretty dim to look for stars during the day wouldn't it!!!!!!!! In fact, the stars would themselves be pretty dim themselves in comparision to the nearby local star!!!!! By which I course mean the Sun, not Zeta Reticuli Beta, as you may think!!!!!!!!!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!?!?!? OK, if you look up at the sky at night, you'll see the stars!!!!! Well, unless it's cloudy of course!!!!!!!! Or you live in some city, where they use tons of crappy orange streetlights!!!!!!!!! Or you live in a cave!!!!!!!!! Unless of course they have glo-worms in this cave, which will provide an appreciable approximation of a starry night, but is unfortunately completely irrelevant to this story!!!!!! Arrrghhh!!!!!! I've gone off tangent again!!!!! (Wot, a wacky off-the-wall person I must be!!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, if you look up at the sky on a nice clear night and see the stars twinkling back at you, what you might not know is that this idyllic scene has a vague connection to a Radox bubble bath!!!!!!!! That's because the region of the Milky Way we live in (By which we course mean our local galaxy, not the chocolate bar!!!!!! And by Galaxy, we of course mean a huge collection of revolving stellar matter, not the chocolate bar... Oh no!!!! We're off on a tangent again!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, the flipping area of space we're in is called The Local Bubble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that's not all!!!! The really local neighbourhood bit of the "Bubble" where we live is called the Local Fluff!!!!!!

Let's talk about death!!!!

Death of Morse- the gif anim!!!!!!U-no, there seems to be a whole bunch of tellybox characters dropping like flies these days!!!!!!! Tonight, it's the turn of Victor Meldrew, and last week it was ancient tec Inspector Morse!!!!!!!! Now, call me a bit "insensitive", but wasn't that death scene a bit crap?!??!! It looked like something out of a Doctor Who episode!!!!!!!! I hope when Mr Meldrew gets hit by that car tonight he flies over the bonnet a bit more gracefully!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's "dull" quote!!!!!!!!

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. [Unlike not-so-dull men like myself!!!!!!!]