Thursday, December 07, 2000

Be a smartypants- by drinking Laphroaig!!!!!!

U-no, sometimes there's nothing better than having a "wee dram"!!!!!!! By which I of course mean a small glass of whisky- not a close encounter with a certain farmyard animal, as you may think!!!!!!!!! But what I didn't know is that I might end up on Mastermind as a result of it!!!!!!!! (The drink, not the farmyard animal!!!!!!!!)

That's because some boffins have found out that occasional drinkers have higher IQs than teetotallers!!!!!!!!! Tho mind you, it might also have to do with the ridiculous names they give alcohol!!!!!!! I mean, if you know how to spell "Bunnahabhain", then you've got to have some braincells!!!!!!!

Sumo wresting: sailors with planetary names!!!!!!

Erm.... Something tells me that Sumo Wresting in Japan is starting to go a little towards the WWF end of things when some of them start dressing up as characters from anime show Sailor Moon!!!!!!!!

Clinton: If you inhale- you shouldn't go to jail!!!!!

Looks like the plan to put Bill Clinton in as Chancellor of Oxford Uni is stepping up a gear!!!!! He's obviously being nice to the Oxford folks he shared his non-inhalation experimentation episode with, by saying in an interview with dull-but-worthy rock tome Rolling Stone (Again, classic Oxford Uni demographics!!!!) that he does think people who smoke "special" cigarettes shouldn't be slammed into the clinker!!!!!! (By which we mean jail, not Bill's... Er hang on, cancel that thought!!!!!!! Bleeeuuurrrrghhh!!!!!!! Groooo!!!!! Etc. )

Today's rather inexplicable "pearl"!!!!!

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous. [You wot?!?!?!?!?!?!?]

Yesterday's "Gee, I Didn't Think Of That" quote!!!!

To the puritan, all things are impure. [Spooky!!!!!]

Tuesday, December 05, 2000

Get down, Plutino!!!!!!

Well, after all that debate about whether or not Pluto is really a planet or not, (Much to Mickey Mouse's annoyance, no doubt!!!!!!) astronomers have now found a "plutino" inbetween Neptune and Pluto!!!!

This story helpfully tells us that the minor planetoid, snappily titled "2000 EB173" is "about one-fourth the size of Pluto (or about the distance from Boston to Buffalo)"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erm... OK then!!!!! Thanks very much for that useful piece of info!!!!! Next time I travel from Buffalo to Boston, I'll be able to say "Aha!!!! This is roughly equal to the diameter of a planetoid between Neptune and Pluto!!!!!!!!!!" And I expect the Buffalo would have some pretty choice words on the matter as well!!!!!!!!

These automobiles are dead good- literally!!!!! (Almost!!!!!)

Cripes!!!!! I didn't know there was a major demand regarding car hire services for Hearses!!!!!!!!!!!! But I do now!!!!!!!! Check out this spiffy webby sitey called "Grim Rides"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, I don't think I'll be driving around in a Hearse that often!!!!!! I mean, imagine driving up to the ladies in old folks home in a Hearse and saying "Come on!!!!! Hop in!!!!!!"!!!!!!!

Things would turn rather nasty, I'd wager!!!!!

Now, that's wot I call a lot of piccies of a gas giant!!!!!

I bet you didn't know that now has never been a better time to look at the cloud structure of the biggest gas giant in the Solar System!!!!!!!!!! But it is!!!!!!! Some spiffy space probe thingy called CICLOPS has parked outside Jupiter and is taking some jolly nice holiday snaps of the big blobby planet!!!!!

Xmas Tree- for couch potatoes!!!!!!!

Well, as they say, "Only In America etc."!!!!!!!! It's nice to see someone's merged two great American traditions: Christmas, and sitting on the couch in front of tha tellybox like a complete parsnip!!!!!!! Check this one out- a Christmas tree... Made from a couch!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, I think it might be a bit harder putting the presents underneath the Xmas Couch!!!!!!! Especially if some lardy-bottomed person flops out on tha seat!!!!!! Unless of course the presents are really thin already!!!!! Maybe I should email the folks on this w3site and tell them to get each other "Big Brother- the book" as presents this year!!!!!!!

Curse of Select claims... Select!!!!!!

Hum... I reckon missed this one on Friday, because it has "Select" in the headline!!!!!!!! Anyway!!!! It looks like after we slagged off Select, the not-very-good "music/lifestyle" monthly, it looks the EMAP Chaps have independently come to a similar conclusion!!!!!! And they've shut it down!!!!!!!!

They give some extremely spurious reasoning for it shutting down as well:

Market conditions mean that the indie sector, which Select emphatically championed, has been completely absorbed into the mainstream, illustrated by the huge success of the magazine's core bands - Oasis, Blur and Radiohead.

Eh?!??! So, if the bands they champion are so flippin' popular, how come they're selling so little?!?!??!?! Could it possibly be that the mag's not very good?!?!?!?! And all this guffola to the effect that Select "helped create the mid-90s Britpop boom"!!!!!!! (Funny, I though the word in question was invented by Melody Maker!!!) This is supposedly due to the 1993 front cover with Suede on the front cover (Again, I seem to remember Melody Maker beat them on that score as well!!!!) and the laughable headline "Yanks go home!"!!!!!! Yes, well, look how well Suede did on that front!!!!!!!! They were upstaged on their US tour by their own flipping support band!!!!!!!! That would be bad enough, but their support band was The Cranberries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!)

Mind you, there's an interesting mention of the fact that the indie weeklies have been declining while the likes of Kerrang! and Mixmag have been doing rather well!!!!! Which would no doubt explain why the formerly "indie anorack" NME is going all "pop", and why the once mighty Melody Maker has suddenly plummeted downhill in a desperate attempt become a tabloidy "Kerrang!" Jnr!!!!!!!!!!

Clinton's next job- in a gown!??!?!?!?

Well, I never!!!!!! Looks like some folks want Bill Clinton back at Oxford University (For US readers- that's the place where he didn't inhale!!!!!! Which sounds like a bit of a waste of time if you ask me!!!!!!!! I mean, if you really have set your mind on smoking one of those funny "French" cigarettes, then it seems a bit redundant to only appear to smoke it!!!!! I mean, it ill behoves a potential leader of the Free World to say one thing then do another, doesn't??!?!??!! Erm, hang on!!!!! I think I may have spotted a huge flaw in my argument there!!!!!!)

Wait a sec!!!! Where was I?!?!?!? Oh yes, anyway, apparently there's some campaign or another to get Clinton to become Chancellor of the ancient university!!!!!!!!!! Well, he would certainly shake up the stuffy place I'd reckon!!!!!!! Especially the "after dinner" practice of smoking cigars!!!!!!!!!

Inflight reading material- for maniacs!!!!!

Hello peeps!!!! Are you about to jump on an aeroplane!??!?!?! Well, not literally obviously!!!!!! Unless you were Evil Kineval or something!!!!!!! No, you would probably just go inside and sit down down on tha seat, just like most normal people!!!!!!!

Well, however you do it, don't read this w3site!!!!!! It's called!!!!!!!!!!! And according to "Today in History":

5 years ago today, on December 5, 1995, an Azerbaijan Airlines Tupolev TU-134B crashed shortly after takeoff from Nakhichevan, Azerbaijan, Russia. 44 of the 82 passengers and crew aboard were killed.

Well, that's nice to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wax Cylinders... On MP3s!!!!!

Blimey!!!!! Here's another brilliant prediction from the olden days of the very organ wot you are reading!!!!!!!!

As predicted in a really old issue of SC, here's some MP3s- of old wax cylinders from the dawn of recorded music!!!!!!!!!! Mind you, I don't see any from my massive collection yet!!!!!!! Sort out your priorities, folks!!!!!!!

Cryptography- with Grannies!!!!!!!!

OK, here's someone in the US suggesting that wot with the FBI promoting their "Big Brother" thingy "Carnivore" with all the subtelty of a rhinoceros horn up the backside, that the market is ripe for email clients with cryptography as standard so that everyone and their "grannies" use them!!!!!!

Well, that's all very well, but here in the UK, apparently we're not allowed to encrypt our own messages like a grown up!!!!! If PC Plod comes around, we're supposed to give him our decrypt codes or go to jail pronto!!!!!! Sounds like a European Human Rights case looming if you ask me!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Wazzup"- with Grannies!!!!!!!!!!!

If there's anything more irritating than that bloody annoying "Wazzup" advert for some piss-weak gassy barely alcoholic beverage, it's the way that the entire flipping UK media has been going crazy over that bloody annoying "Wazzup" advert for some piss-weak gassy barely alcoholic beverage!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, in the US, there's already been a bizzare "parody" of the ad featuring a load of old grannies!!!!!! And wots even more bizzare is that some people have been spreading this about tha NetWeb in the UK thinking it's an actual geniune advert and not a really obvious piddle-extraction enterprise!!!!!!!!!!!

Still, better a piddle-extraction enterprise than a tooth-extraction enterprise, which is what the actual geniune adverts are more akin to!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!!

Today's rather obvious quote!!!!!!!

Fame and tranqulity can never be bedfellows. [Unless of course you're Neil Sedaka!!!!!!]

Monday, December 04, 2000

You need knowledge... About Knowledge!!!!!!!

Interesting stat for you folks now!!!!! At most, no more than 75% of the webby pages I troll each day actually make it into Senior Citizen because of time commitments and stuff like that!!!!! In fact, sometimes on slow days, I often report on pages I trolled at least a couple of days ago!!!!!!!

But wot I did not know is that apparently I am practicising a rudimentary form of information technology selection techniques in order to acheive things such as: "filtering information overload, effective reading, note-taking, analysis, synthesis and communicating effectively to others"!!!!!!!!!

Yes, there's some jolly new "management technique" technique called Knowledge Management, which is now also being developed for individual peeps like us in order to avoid "information overload" and gain "the skills or tools to keep up in the Knowledge Age" and other similar stuffs!!!!!!

Here's one hot tip from the article: apparently it's a good idea to be "eating well and getting enough sleep"!!!!!!!!!!! So, if your boss catches you asleep on the job (By which we mean your workplace!!!!!! And not "laying a cable" in the "lavvy", as some people might think!!!!!! Tho mind you, if your boss turns up in the "little room" and tries the latter, one could be perfectly justified in protecting one's modesty using the technique of blindfolding" one's employer- by chucking used toilet paper at him!!!!!!!) Ahem, anyway!!!! If he catches you asleep, you can explain to him that you were merely improving your Knowledge Management techniques- and then demand that he takes you to a good restaurant so you can "eat well"!!!!!!!!!

Microsoft: No to tha NetWeb!!!!!!!

Hmmmm.... This seems a bit strange!!!!!!! Those cheeky chaps from Redmond (Microsoft!!!!!!!!) have put some online form that gauges how much your software is "risky"!!!!!! Apparently if you have loads of MS software with all the licenses, you're at a low risk!!!!!! But if you say on the questionnaire (which is IE compatible only, for some extraordinary reason!!!!!) that you download any software from tha NetWeb, suddenly you're in a "high risk" situation!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm.... I wonder if this has anything to do with the appearance of a new Outlook Express email worm, which slags off users for using Windows, and suggests they use Linux instead!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dennis the Menace to Harry Potter: "BIFF!!!! Take that, you Walter look-a-like!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!! It's look like veteran kiddies komic The Beano isn't just wowing them over in Japan!!!!!! It looks as thought it's doing the busines over here as well!!!!!! Advance orders for the Beano 2001 Annual this Xmas have knocked the near-mythical Harry Potter off the best-seller lists!!!!!!! "You can always trust the Beano gang to make a menace of themselves" said some bloke.

Revealed: Glasgow's Undergound "Sexy Pigeons" Pimping Secret!!!!!!

Now here's a vaguely interesting story for all you pigeon racers!!!!!!! Apparently some male pigeons are real "Ladies Men"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And apparently some pigeon racing folk in my local area of Glasgow are using these avian "Peter Stringfellows" to "nab" lady pidgeons from their rivals!!!!!!!!!! And it's often ending in kneecappings!!!!!!

Even more bizarrely, these "pigeon pimps" are known as "horsemen"!!!!!!!!! Just as well they don't breed poultry!!!!!! Who knows, maybe they would have been called "donkey bangers" or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Senior Citizen predicts possible US economic downturn!!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!! It's been a bit of a dramatic time recently for tech stocks and e-business!!!!!!! Not only has there been loads of UK dotcoms (Usually run by loadsa young thrusting types who thought they were the business equivalent of "rock stars" or something!!!!!!!) falling by the wayside, but the tech industry in general has been seeing something of a big of a downturn, with a lot of people saying that it might be because the PC home market has reached saturation point!!!!!!!!! And it's even got through to this columnist bloke from The Scotsman by the name of Bill Jamieson, who is taking a break from recycling his "The European Parliament is Satan!!!!!!!" article every flipping week, to cover these events, noting that the high heid yin of Big Blue (By which we mean of course IBM, and not an "adult" video mail-order company as you may think!!!!!!) proclaimed that the PC is dead!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which is jolly interesting, as we predicted something similar in an old issue of SC in September 1998!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps Bill Jamieson ought to be reading us instead of "Smarmy Right-Wing Think-Tank Monthly", or whatever it is he reads!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot happens if MacDonalds stages an "October Revolution"!??!?!?!?

Apparently Scotland now has a Fat Tsar!!!!!!!!!!! (Or "Fat Czar" according to whom you are reading!!!!!!!!!!)

Nope!!!!! We're not talking about a portly relative of the Romanovs usurping the Windsors as Scotland's Head of State!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, we are talking about a new "FatFinder General" type Government bloke who is looking to launch a big campaign aimed at helping improve the general diet of Scots!!!!!!!!

For some reason, The Scotsman seems to find all of this a bit of a jolly hoot!!!!!!!

Cloning: "Tis the season to be weary, tra-la la-l . . . "!!!!!!!!

Erm!!!!! Something tells me the titles got a bit mixed up in today's Glasgow Herald Leaders Page!!!!!!!!!

Bizzarre Monday Slogan!!!!!!!

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. [?!?!?!??!?!?!?]

Weekend state-the-bleeding obvious slogan!!!!!

The object of oratory is not truth but persuation. [No!!!! Really?!?!??! And here's me thinking those US presidential debates showed the candidates as they really are!!!!!!!!!!]