Jump Jet vs Hens!!!!!!!

I bet when you last saw a Vertical Take Off and Landing military aircraft, that you never guessed that it might strike fear into the hearts of your average farmyard fowl!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I know I didn't, anyway!!!!!! But apparently, there is a "hen harrier", according to this story anyway!!!!!!!

Why don't the hens just lay an egg in the engines, I say!!!!!! That would gum them up pretty quick!!!!!!!!

Play tha videogram- from your gramophone!!!!!!!

U-no, unlike some young whippersnappers I still have a vinyl gramophone!!!!!!!! But what I did not know is that you can use it for video!!!!!!!!!! Well, OK, I did really, actually!!!!!! I mean, being Scottish, I know a little about John Logie Baird (Who is not related to Yogie Bear, as you might think!!!!!!) inventing a video recording system based on this very principle!!!!!!!!! So in fact, I'm talking complete and utter rubbish!!!!!!!!!!!

Errrr, where was I?!?!?!? Oh yes, some folks called Vinyl Video have ripped Logie Baird's idea off- in a very nice way of course!!!!!!

Kill a zombie- by nodding!!!!!!!

Oi!!!!! You!!!!!!!!! Stop playing about with your joystick, and pay attention!!!!!!!!! By which I of course mean your games controller as used in consoles or computer games, not some other thing!!!!!!!!! Mind you, I wouldn't want you to do that either!!!!!!!! I mean, this is supposed stimulation for the intellect, not the other part of the boddy!!!!!! If that were the case, I'd advise you to keep away from the Stephen Hawking books!!!!!!! You might go blind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyway!!!!!!! Here's an article about a "head movement" detector, from the really imaginatively named "Cybernet Systems", which can be used as a games controller!!!!!!!!

Just don't try playing "Daley Thomson's Decathalon" with it tho!!!!!!!!! You might end up with brain damage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beattie- is quiety!!!!

Looks like Mr John "Bullshit Buzzer" Beattie is a little bit quiet today!!!!!!!!

Goto tha Dome- and slit your wrists!!!!!!!!

Well, I went to the Millenium Dome, and I didn't think it was that bad!!!!!!!!! But apparently some people think it's really depressing!!!!!!! Which just goes to show there are a lot of people in Britain with no life!!!!!!!!!

Old farts- who are really "with it"!!!!!!!!

Now this is a real good piece of news!!!!!!! Late Learning Centres for the more mature person such as myself!!!!!!!!! And what do they learn there?!?!?!?!? What young people get up to so they can sppok them out!!!!!!!!!

Len Rodkin waves a handful of books at me with titles such as "Bluff Your Way in Hip-Hop", "A Short Cut to Techno" and "Ibiza Made Easy" plus one that I swear was called "It's Never Too Late to Take Up Drugs", though I may have misread it. But isn't it unsettling for young people to find that their elders are taking an interest in their culture, and understanding it as well?

Len Rodkin grins.

"Hugely," he says.

Who knows!!!!!! Some of the oldies entioned in this article may end as culturally enriched as me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teletubbies Go to Siberia!!!!!!!!!

Next you see the Teletubbies, instead of saying "Eh-oh!" (Which no doubt, Americans will mis-hear as "Bite my ass, motherf@£%er!!!!!!"!!!!!) they'll say "Brrrrr!!!!!!!"!!!!!!! That's because the temperature in Teletubby-land will be minus 40!!!!!!!!!!

Yep!!!!!! Apparently Les Tubs (!!!!!) are getting imported to Russia!!!!!!!!!! According to this article, Russians are really into UK, having been brought up on such luminaries as "Mr Pooter", and Melvyn Bragg!!!!!!!!

Just as well the Russians don't get "The South Bank" show over there!!!!! They'd all end up speaking English like him!!!!!!!!! Which would have been a real disaster!!!!!!! I mean, imagine it- a whole nation who speak like they've got a huge bogey up either nostril!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now, the weather... On Mars!!!!!!!

There's all these tellybox channels around now devoted to just one subject!!!!!!!!!!! You've got Sci-Fi, shopping, knitting, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was some sad git with a camcorder showing us his toenail collection!!!!!!!!! And most of them are flipping on all the time!!!!!!!!! How can they fill all that time!!!!!!!

Well, now we have the answer for one channel anyway!!!!!!!!!! Obviously giving us all the global weather reports didn't fill all the "airtime" needed at the Weather Channel, so they've deiced to fill the space- with space!!!!! Well, almost!!!!! They're now doing weather reports- for Mars!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonnybridge- twin town, Roswell!!!!!!

Well, it had to happen!!!!!! Bonnybridge in Scotland is apparently a "hotspot" for UFO sightings!!!!! So, one tourist-savvy town councillor has gone right ahead and suggested that they become "twin town" of Roswell!!!!!!!!!!!

(BTW As this is a UK newspaper article, expect the usual "jokey" puns on Star Trek and the X-Files by bored hacks!!!!!!!)

Todays bon mot!!!!

Justice is truth in action. [Whilst a lot of what passes for "justice" these days is just plain in-action!!!!!!!]

Non-English Internet: "We don't understand it"!!!!!!

So much for brainboxes on tha NetWeb!!!!!!!!

Loadsa people on this side of the the globe are kicking up a fuss about the possibility of non-English characters being used on netty protocols like domain names and suchlike!!!!!! Apparently this is a prob because, erm, the whole internet's based on the English language and it's really had to change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erm, if it's so inflexible, perhaps it would be a good idea to flippin' well fix it then?!?!?!?!!

If you've no friends- download Netscape!!!!!!!!

Well, here's somethine you might want to downloaddy instead of "The Final Countdown"!!!!!!!!!!!

According to this jolly litle press release, you can get a list of "Buddies" if you use Netscape Instant Messenger!!!!! Just the sort of thing if you're a sad spod with no friends!!!!!!!

Hey Mr Music Musician: Where can I download "hooky" MOR MP3s!?!??!?!

One of the nice things if you're an artist at mp3.com is that you get fan mail!!!!!!! And unless you're really bad, it's mostly positive!!!!!!!! However, one artist got this, erm, rather interesting email!!!!!!!!!

From:
To: xxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, November 14, 2000 10:07 PM
Subject: A fan has sent you an email

Enter your message to the artist here.

I want find the EUROPE band, for mp3 donlwod. I waith from your som
indication "EUROPE" and how I can downloud "the final condaunt"?

As the artist said to me: "Do I look like a f@£&ing expert on 80s MOR?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch out- it's the "MP3 Detector" Servers!!!!!!!

Blimey!!!!! It seems to be "desperate scare tactics week" from the anti-piracy forces!!!!!!! Just a couple of days after we heard about the "pirate detector vans", there's now news of some company that says it can positively identify MP3s using "DNA technology" and it wants to scour the entire NetWeb for "hooky" MPeggies!!!!!!!!

Somewhat surprisingly, the Slashdot crowd are a little sceptical!!!!!!!!

Yet another bloody manifesto!!!!!!!

Honestly!!!!!!!!! As soon anyone gets an idea these days, they brand it, put it on tha NetWeb, and call it a flippin' "manifesto"!!!!!!!!!! I wouldn't be surprised if we get a "Ploppy Manifesto" the way things are going!!!!!!!!

Ahem anyway!!!!! The latest "manifesto" is actually an interesting one- the "Celestial Jukebox"!!!!!!!!!

Nope!!!!!!!! We're not talking about a supernatural afterlife musicians repository combo, featuring the likes of Hendrix and Cobain, you know, jamming and stuff!!!!!!!!! In fact it's a summary of one possible method of digital music distribution!!!!!!!!

Only prob- if it's got a "manifesto", how would you vote for a "celestial jukebox"?!?!??! I think even with the big hoo-hah over the US elections ATM, Bush and Gore might pay attention enough to say there might be a bit of a difficulty in allowing a nebulous concept of digital distribution for commercial musicians to gain political power!!!!!!! I mean, wouldn't it make the ballot papers even more confusing?!?!?!?!?!

Email- it's a lethal weapon!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!!! Those peeps in Fleet Street are really quick off their mark!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, check this article out!!!!!! This sharp dude called Terence has found out that on email you can apparently get flame messages which can go too far, messages which get can get taken the wrong way, and messages which dispense with the normal formality of letters!!!!!! In fact, far from being shielded by technology, email message are often a bit more honest!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!!! No flies on this bloke, eh!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesdays rather good quote!!!!!!

You cannot fight against the future. [So there, Melody Maker!!!!!!!! Time to reconsider your "Disco"... woops, I mean "UK Garage Sucks!!!!" campaign!!!!!]

Don't forget about... erm...!!!!!!

I had a great start to this story, but I forgot it!!!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!

Anyway!!!! Wot is this about, again?!?!?!?! ... Oh yes, memory!!!!!!! You know sometimes you forget some important word at a very important time?!?!?!?! Well, what you might not know is that it has something to do with a rather young baby (or "wean" as we say around my parts!!!!!)!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, some scientest bods have found out what causes TOTs, or Tip-Of-Tongue experiences!!!!!!! And the surprising conclusion they came to is that it's all due to, erm, "function of weak memory connections"!!!! And the way to avoid it is to keep the brain fit by doing brainy stuff like crosswords or something!!!!!!!!!!

Eh!?!?!?!?! I could have told you that!!!!!!!!! And this is supposed the result of scientific study is it?!?!?!?!?!?!

If you ask me, it sounds like they originally came up with a really great and useful conclusion, then they forgot all about it, and came up with this instead!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weblog aristocracy: a bunch of complete prats!!!!!!!

Well, I'd better be careful here, because I think one of people mentioned here might have been indirectly responsible for SC becoming Blog of the Week not so long ago!!!!!!!!!!! But ah so wot, this next article is a good laugh!!!!!!!!!!!

The person here is reacting to some New York Times article, using it as an excuse to vent their spleen about how a lot of top Bloggers who get all the media attention are not there because of their brilliance, but are in fact the Blogging equivalent of media whores!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm supposed to be surprised at this??!?!?! I would have thought you'd just need to take a look at some blogs to see how egotistical some of these folks are!!!!!!! Sometimes it's like reading a badly written episode of "Big Brother"!!!!!!!!!! Only less interesting!!!!!!!! Or readable!!!!!!!!!

Curse of "Select" claims Mr Biffo!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!! If being name-checked by Chumbawumba wasn't a sure enough kiss of death, then there's always Select magazine here in the UK!!!!! This month, it claims that apparently the Internet used to be full of anoracks and therefore completely inoffensive and non-revolutionary in every way!!!!!!!! But now it has a got a few more people like them, (Now that they've got someone to connect their Macs to tha NetWeb!!!!) and therefore the Net has got some "attitude" and other dead-tree media rock 'n' roll cliches!!!!!!!! And then they go on to mention a few webzines, half of which nearly everyone knows about, and the other half, no-one would really want to know about!!!!!! So it's basically just like another web-blog, only even more snooty!!!!!!!!!!!

And so bloody wot, you might say!!!!!!!!! Well, OK, you might expect nothing less from a bunch of sad spods who actually call themselves "Britain's only music culture magazine."!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But they're latest victims of the Curse of Select include none other than Teletext's Digitiser scribe, Mr Biffo, and his not-too-bad "adult humour" site Bubblegun!!!!!!!!! Which was already inactive by the time Select's feature went to press!!!!!!!!! And Biffo doesn't know when it's getting resurrected!!!!!!!!!

So Select's just done a feature which says the internet is more exciting than it used to be- by doing the same thing as everyone else did when it was supposed to be "nerdy", and reporting on a now inactive website!!!!!!!!! And they get paid for this!!!!!!!

Shoplifting CDs- in reverse!!!!!!!

Droplift!!!!!!!!! No, I'm not talking about a new technique for plastic surgery here!!!!!!!!! I'm in fact talking about a new method of music distribution!!!!!!!!!!! According to this site, "Droplifting" is a technique whereby one sneakily inserts a CD into a record shop without them noticing!!!!!!!!! Suprisingly enough, a lot of the folks who are in favour of it use a lot of unauthorised samples!!!!!!!

Still!!!!! At last, PritStik can find a way to get their records into the shops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're not just some 2 bit band- they're an 8-bit one!!!!!!!!

OK, we've already had a C64 tune in the UK charts by Dave Whittaker!!!!! (ie Kernkraft 400's "Zombie Nation", which is ripped off the music for the "Stardust" section of C64 game "Lazy Jones"!!!!!!) So this lot might have a bit of a chance!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out Minibosses, who do cover versions of stuff, like the theme tunes to Ghosts and Goblins and Castlevania!!!!!!!!!!

Of course the great thing about this is that if they say any naughty words in the songs, no-one will notice the extra bleepy noises if they beep it out!!!!!!!

Cats- the new Barbie?!?!??!?!?!?!?

Here's another bunch of people to steer clear of!!!!!! You know the sort of sick people who make paintings or sculptures of fluffy little kittens dressed up in ye olde worlde clothes?!??!?!?! Well, here's a webby equivalent who do it with Photoshop, and then construct vom-inducing stories around them!!!!!!!!!

Don't appear in a Chris Cunningham movie!!!!!!

As this "Before -> After" piccy shows, you never know what might happen to your face!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday's alleged "joke" quote

"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put". [Well, keep away from Yoda then!!!!!!!!!!!]

Weekend dreary quotee!!!

Those who in quarrels interpose
Must often wipe a bloody nose
[As do those to think it really great to rhyme
Erm... All of the flipping time!!!!!!!!!]