Tuesday, January 09, 2001

X-Rated Lego!!!!!

Looks like old friend Lego is undergoing a bit a rennaisance at the mo!!!!!!!! First they added robotics, now they're adding Steven Speilberg!!!!!!!! Yes, the director of Jurassic Park 2 and other classic movies has lent his name to a new Lego set which includes a digicam and PC software, which allows afficionadios of tha mighty brick to make their own Lego Movies!!!!!!!!!!!

And movies are starting to appear on tha NetWeb now!!!!!!!! Already we've got Lego Video Nasties and Lego Porno!!!!!!!!!!

No doubt, we'll be having Lego Reality Docu-soaps next!!!!!!! At least they'll be more interesting than the real thing!!!!!!!!!

Are rivers next for tha chop?!?!?!?

Hello people!!!! Have any of you folk been on tha NetWeb 2day??!?! Well, obviously, you're on it now!!!!!! Trying to get hold of Senior Citizen without being on tha NetWeb is a bit difficult!!!!!! Unless you've rreceived an offline copy of this page from a friend- in which case, you can get your friend to read this story instead!!!!

Woops, where was I!??!?!? Anyway!!!! You folks on tha w3!!!!!! Have you been listening to any streaming audio/vid stuffs!??!?!?! Well, isn't it annoying how crap they are!?!??!?! They usually look like they've been recorded on a Super 8 in 1968, transferred to a home videogram in 1974, digitised on a Acorn Electron in 1985, and then encoded into MPEG format using a 286 PC in 1994!!!!!! And that's before we get to the "transferred over a 1432 baud connection by a server running on a Sinclair Spectrum" type speeds!!!!!!!!!

So wot can we do?!?!?! Well, you could help solve the problem by streaming some stuff by Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain!!!! That's because they're both dead!!!!!!!

Yes, that's right, some bod is proposing the "death" of streaming!!!!!!!!!!

It's like Dateline- with crap music!!!!!!!!!!

Well, as you might know, it's Lunar Eclipse Night here on Bonney Scotland!!!!!!!! So for all you 98% of readers from outside the UK, you'll have to find something else to do!!!!!! Especially if you're a sad indie spod!!!!!!!! Well, help is on the way, thanks to a spiffy w3site called The Make Out Club- a "courting" service for... sad indie spods!!!!!! Which is amusing given the popularity, amongst such souls, of a beat combo called Limp Bizkit!!!!!! Mind you, it could be worse!!!! It could be a UK band called "Half Mast"!!!!!!!

It's like the ocean- only with digital media!!!!!!

U-no, when all this handheld computing malarkey starts taking off, you're going to have a new problem to content with- where do you stick all your data!??!?!?! You can't exactly go walking around with about 20 squillion Zip disks in your pockets, can you?!??!?! If everybody did that, and had loads of magnetic media on their person, compasses would stop pointing north and aeroplanes would arrive in the wrong place!!!!!!!!

So how to solve this pressing problem!?!?!? Well, one way would be to toddle along to the Western Isles and jump off a cliff into tha Big Briney!!!!!!! (By which I of course mean the Atlantic Ocean, not the innards of a rotund bloke called Brian!!!!!)

Seems unlikely?!??!?! Well, you'd be wrong!!!!!!!!! In fact, the boffins at DARPA, the original brains behind tha NetWeb, are working on a Freenet/Gnutella/PloppyTrader stylee data storage network called OceanStore!!!!!!!!!! Only prob- won't the data get a little soggy?!??!?!?

Today's interesting dictionary definition!!!

budget, n. A method for going broke methodically. [I don't remember seeing this in any dictionary I've read, and I've read a lot!!!!!! U C, I know a lot of big words, I do!!!!!!! And I have amassed a significantly sizeable quoitent of capital in the area of vocabulary!!!!!! So ya boo sucks!!!!!! etc. OK, I'll shut up now!!!!!!]

X-Rated Tuesday!!!!!

Hey!!!! Apparently today in 1951 was when they gave the first ever "X" rating to a film in the UK!!!!!! It was called "Life After Tommorrow"!!!!!!!! And they probably show on Channel 4 in the afternoon these days!!!!!!!! Otherwise I would have heard of it!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 08, 2001

Bedtime stories: banned!!!!!!!

Remember when your old folks used to tell you bedtime stories?!?!??!?!? I know I do!!!!!!! Classic stories like Cinderella, Snow White, The St Valentines Day Massacre, and whatnot!!!!!!!! But it looks like there's one classic that one won't be able to read to one's progeny!!!!!!!!! According to the finding of this clever young chap, the newly published e-book version of Lewis Caroll's Alice In Wonderland has a rather unusual user license requirement- reading it aloud ain't allowed!!!!!!!!! Presumably if you try it, you'll get "busted" by "fuzz"!!!!!!!!

No doubt in future this will lead to numerous children being drawn into a seedy underworld of "speakeasies" where they can listen to popular childrens books or something!!!!!!!!!!!! Mind you, I wouldn't want to be the equivalent of "Elliot Ness" in such an enviroment!!!!!!! If I had never touched a drop of illicit literature in my life, I would probably be about as intelligent as a Radio Clyde DJ!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Devil is a right Charlie- literally!!!!

Don't you just love End-Of-World doomsters!??!?!?! As soon as one "end-of-the-world" scenario fails to materialise, they go and look for another!!!!!!! Now that it's patently obvious that Y2K has failed to cause the usual floods, famines, breakdown in society, etc, ... it looks like wacky US "survivalist" types have found another dire threat!!!!!! Apparently the new Prince of Darkness is the Prince of Wales!!!!!!!!!! And it's about time as well!!!!!! I was wondering when the armies of God would be riding on in to save humanity from a load of waffly speeches about architecture and GM crops!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rod Stewart: he doesn't have an "unbelievably small backside"!!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!! Even Rod Stewart's starting to admit to feeling a bit old now!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm still very presentable but I just can't keep up with Mick," he said, referring to Mick Jagger, the Rolling Stones frontman. "He has an unbelievably small backside and that's what women go for," he said.

Mysteriously enough, he's promoting a new album called "Human", which presumably expands on this "I'm just an ordinary bloke now" type stuffs!!!!!!! Mind you, it could be worse!!!!! He could have titled it "Rod Stewart And His Unfeasibly Large Backside"!!!!!!!!!!

Wot would Leonard Cohen say!??!?!?!?

Mind you, that's not the only case of mistaken memory in today's old fogey press!!!!!!! Some bloke called Fergal (tho he's no Sharkey!!!!!!!) is getting all wibbly about reaching 40 and feeling "past it"!!!!!! (You're only as old as you feel, young man!!!!!!!!)

Which is jolly ironic is he mentions in the article that he is "40, still wearing Levi's and workshirts and listening to Neil Young and James Taylor and Joni Mitchell. And yes, from to time I even sneak a listen to Songs of Leonard Cohen: "I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel..." " Which is of course complete crap, as said Leonard Cohen song does not in fact appear on the Songs Of Leonard Cohen album but the New Skin For The Old Ceremony album!!!!!!!!!

See?!??!?! If a more mature man such as myself can remember such vital facts, then there's no excuse for some mere fortysomething to lose his memory cells!!!!!!!!!!

Predict the future of the Single European Currency- and become a serial killer!!!!!!

Here's an interesting declaration from that brillibobs Indie scribe Simon "Two Brains" Carr:

"The euro has already begun to strengthen against the dollar, and that will probably continue," said John Monks, the union leader, quite as if he knew what he was talking about.

The fact is, he doesn't know. The other fact is that nobody knows. And the last, most interesting fact is that nobody can know. Anyone who says they know is a salesman or a psycho.

Crikey!!!!! Imagine that!!!!!!!!!! Arthur Daley or Norman Bates advising governments on economic matters!!!!!!!!!

Just as well that this situation is a little unlikely!!!!! Especially given that they are fictional characters!!!!!!!!!!

Watch out- it's the gastrobots!!!!!!!!!

U-no, you might dimly remember the olden days when as a young sprite you were given dinner by your parents, and told to eat the savoury stuff before the sweets!!!!!!!!! Much as I would protest that it should be other way round, and serve sweet stuff before the crappy brussell sprouts, they wouldn't take any notice, instead giving some feeble excuse about the savoury stuff apparently being more essential and nutritious!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, now I can laugh in their faces!!!!!!! Well, not literally, obviously!!!!!! I'd have to dig them up first!!!!!!!! And there wouldn't be any faces left for me to laugh at!!!!!!!! But I'm sure they would turn in their graves at the mention of this next story!!!!!! Especially because the coffins were buried with inbuilt "grave rotation devices", which allows the corpses to safely turn 360 degrees in their graves when I press a special button on the mantlepiece in my Drawing Room!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway!!!!!! The parental tyranny of "savoury before sweets" has finally been toppled by a "gastrobot"!!!!!!! Nope, we're not talking about a snail with a tummy ache!!!!!!!!! In fact, we're talking about a robot- which lives on sugar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So if you're making a cup of tea for this chap, remember to put at least 3 spoonfulls of sugar in it!!!!!!!!!!!

The next HAL: Twiki!!!!!!!

Well, now 2001 is upon is, it looks like there isn't too many years designated in any "significant" sci-fi book/movies coming up in the near future!!!!!!!!! Which is a jolly good thing if you ask me!!!!!!!! Because it means that we won't get any unoriginal rentaquote buffons pointing that such and such "predictions" made in some science fiction tale from "ninteen canteen" weren't really very good!!!!!!!!!

So how long have we got until the next "big" year?!?!?! According to this article, about 400 years!!!!!!!! That's because the next date in the "sci-fi calender" is Buck Rogers in the 25th Century!!!!!!!!!

BTW This article is notable for being written by someone who clearly doesn't actually remember watching Mr Glen "A" Larsons ground breaking tellybox serial!!!!!!! All she seems to remember is that there was a robot called "Tweakey" who went "Beagley, beagley!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Maybe she's getting mixed up with K9 or something!!!!!!!)

Jackie gets the Bird!!!!!!!!

So, how was your New Year!??!?! (Or "Hogmany", as we shout around these regions!!!!!!) I had an extremely good piss-up at the Old Folks Home party!!!!!!!!!!! And we had a right good sing-a-long, which broke a few windows!!!!!!! Mind you, it was far preferable to enduring The Proclaimers on the increasingly rubbish tellybox Hogmany coverage!!!!!!!!!!!!

And we weren't the only ones to come to such an informed decision!!!!!!!! In fact, the entire non-TV Scottish media spent a couple of days slagging it off, and taking a particular interest in the "glamourous" dress worn by the presenter of BBC1's effort, Jackie Bird!!!!!!!

John Davidson, The Herald's fashion director, speculated that Ms Bird was following in the perilously high-heeled footsteps of such tele-babes as Carol Vorderman.

But Ms Bird was having none of it. "My gingham, laced-top pinafore was at the cleaners and it was all I had in the wardrobe," she said.

"Anyway, I work damn hard to get into something like that and Hogmanay is the only time to wear it. Your fashion director should join the 21st century."

Some "marketing" student also makes some "naughty" comment!!! "Anyone sad enough to stay in on Hogmanay deserves to be subjected to crap TV."

Wooo!!!! How controversial!!!!!!! Mind you, I think it's a bit "off" to wish The Proclaimers and Deacon Blue even on your worst enemies!!!!!! Still, this is a marketing student we're talking about here!!!!!!!!!!

OK, back to proper work now!!!!!!!

Believe it or not, I've got one or two stories to write today!!!!!!!!!!

A King is born!!!!!!!!!!!

Elvis was born today in 1935!!!!!! No doubt he sounded like this: "Wahhhhh!!!!! Wahhhhh!!!! Wahhhhh!!!!! Thankyouverymuchladies&gentlemen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) weekend quote?!?!

Real friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel that you've done a permanent job.

[Like for example when one stupidly gets knocked down and killed in the course of an investigation, then returns as a ghost and gets stranded, just like in "Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased)"!!!!!!!!! What do you mean "It's the wrong Randall!!!"??!?!?!?!?]

Brilliantly cynical Monday morning quotee!!!!

Early morning cheerfullness can be extremely abnoxious.
-William Feather

[Ready, everyone... 1, 2, 3... "Well, you could knock me down with a feather!!!!!!!!"]