Friday, September 27, 2002

Microsoft: Piracy is OK- if you're a Chinaman!!!!!

Now, some of you peeps who are up on the old 'foreign strategic policy trends' malarkey might be aware that one of the major up-and-coming movers and shakers on tha hyperglobalistic world economy front is China!!!!!!!! Steve "Wacky!!!" Ballmer's chums in Microsoft certainly think so- they're selling their software there!!!! Strange thing is that they used to be completely down on piracy, but now they're a little less so- at least in the Far East!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently it's something to do with the main competition to Windows being completely free open source software like Linux, so what better way to compete with it than completely free hooky Windows software?!?!?! Except of course, if nobody actually buys a legit copy, then the whole argument falls down!!!! But then again, it's only Windows we're talking about here, for Cliff's sake!!!!!!!!!!

You may call it a bloody racket, we call it a design feature!!!!!!!!!!

This might make Jeremy Clarkson happy, or all those other funny blokes with whiny nasal voices that present "Top Gear"!!!!! Although I still can't see the point of people going on about "serious" cars and suchlike!!!!!! Or cars that are shaped like a todger!!!!! I mean, I used to drive a car that had a radiator resembling a female furry front-bottom, but I didn't go on about it!!!!!! Not that I need to advertise my magnetism to tha laydees anyway, it was pretty obvious, because it was, like, magnestism, really!!!!! But enough of my hectic sex life, let's get back to tha story!!!! Anyway, according to this story, you can now make your Reliant Robin sound like a Harley Davidson!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, we don't mean someone's glued Marlon Brando (From "The Wild One"!!!!!!!!!!) to the side of the car!!!!!!!!!!!!! No apparently, it's sensor controlled car radio that supplies some engine sound effects or some such lark!!!!! The inventors, the wonderfully named Jay and Jason Plugge, say that "we found we could make a Ford Escort sound like a Ferrari"!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmmm!!!!! I wonder if I could get the same technology to make my Skoda sound like a Scud missile?!?!?! That would really put the wind up the promenade next time I go to Margate!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Killing zombies is good for kids!!!!

And we're not talking about viewers of Hollyoaks either!!! I am of course talking about videogames on that PlayCubeStationX Ultra, or whatever they call the consoles this week!!!!!! Oh it wasn't like in tha olden days, when you had an ZX 453543452636562 (Model B) playing "Killer Ampersands"!!!! Those games really exercised one's imagination!!!!!!!!!!! Mainly because the actual graphics and sound were complete shit!!!!!!!! Unless of course you were one of those 12 year olds that wrote 'reviews' of games to "ZxxzZZzap!!!" (Or "Crash!!!", or "GOSUB!!!", or whatever games magazines were called back then!!!!) explaining the completely superfluous plot of the game in great detail, then leaving one line to say: "The graphics are brill and the sound is ace. 8/10."!!!!!!!!! Anyway!!! According to a group of boffins (Or should that be a "boffinete of boffins"?!?!?! Don't ask me, because I don't know!!!! OK, I'll calm down now!!!!!) apparently playing "Zombie Splatter Mayhem" or such like doesn't turn kids into junior-league fiends!!!!!!!!!!!! Which of course makes perfect sense!!!! I mean, if video games make a kid want to kill someone, what happens when the kid actually attempts it? Does he get out his joypad and try to "special move" his victim to death!??!?!?!? Somehow I think this is a bit unlikely!!!!


Scientists have found "cosmic polarisation", which is probably not too surprising as this bit of info about 'polarisation' arised at a pole- the South Pole that is!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently it's called 'Uploadphonix', now!!!!!!!!!

Now some of you are probably all too aware of this thing that's been happening over the past few years where someone takes a vocal from Crap Pop Group A and sticks it on top of the music from Crap Pop Group B, thus making Crap Pop Gramophone C!!!!! In fact, there's been a jolly nice w3sitey called Boom Selection which has charted (!!!!) the growth of this phenomeneonenomom, culminating in the creditable Sugababes cover of a bootleg, which went all the way to the top of the hit parade!!!!!!!!!! Only problem is what do you call this movement?!?! Most appear to call it "MP3 bootlegs", but other, slightly more fashion-concious folks seem to be desperate to call it somethin a bit more "sexy"!!!! Like, "Bastard Pop" (I can imagine that one being used a lot on SM:TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and "Byterock" (I ask you!!!!!!!!!!!), but the latest is... "Uploadphonix"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least, so says some dude in this article with really big words!!!!!!!!!! Only thing, if he's so clever, how come he's only just found out about something that's been going on for flippin' ages??!?!?!?!?

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Bombay didn't "Forget About Dre"!!!!!!!!

Now this a bit of a turn up for the books!!!!! Dr Dre (Which I used to think was short for "Doctor Doctore"!!!!! Like he's a rap doctor that tears up things!!!!!!!!! But apparently I wrong!!!!! Apparently he's not really a doctor at all!!!! It's actually an abbreviated version of his real name, Andre!!!! Followed by a slightly less abbreviated version of his real name, Andre!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!?!) Anyway, he was previously in NWA, (Which stands for Niggaz With Attitude and not Norwich Womens Association, which lets face it would be a really silly name for a gansta rap combo, wouldn't it!!!!!!!) and was thus invovled in many of their toe-tapping gramophones such as "F@£% Tha Police", and has since settled into becoming the Tony Visconti of tha hip-hop generation, producing numerous top hit platters by that angry young rappy chappy Eminimienimeineimnem!!!!! And he has some rather stiff views about people who rip off his work on P2P proggies like Gnutella/KaazzazazAAzZA/OpenDonkey/PloppyTrader!!!!!! So it's a bit of a surprise to see him getting fingered for ripping off someone elses work!!!!! Even more surprising to see it's that stonking Truth Hurts thingy "Addictive", which uses that old tune by Lata Mangeshkar, and then Truth Hurts sings and Rakim raps over it!!!!! In fact, it's actually based on an instrumental track by DJ Quick, so it's not actually a rip-off, but a remake of a rip-off!!!!! Mind you, Dre did work with DJ Quick and Quick gets the producers credit!!!!! It's Lata Mangeshkar (Who's only one of the most recorded artists in the history of recorded music!!!!!) that's not too pleased, and her record company in Bombay (Which is only one of the biggest entertainment capitals in the entire flippin' planet!!!!!!!) are wanting to sue for squillions!!!!!! The bone of contention appears to be that not only was her track ripped off, but Rakim said a naughty word over it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Argh!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 20, 2002

"Already I do not know as have-of having me with this chaste one of people"!!!!!!!!!

Now!!! Some of you might dimly remember your fave w3zine (Senior Citizen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) doing a spot of el reportage on tha webby version of a jolly unusual tome named "English As She Is Spoke"!!!! Now of course, that was quite an ancient publication from tha olden days, so no doubt all you young whippersnappers were laughing and saying "Phew crikey Grandad!!!! Weren't old people in the olden days really thickoid?!?!?!?!?!" Well, laugh no more, because the boot's on the other side of the face now!!!!!!!! A rather smart young chap has decided to test the translations in this book against automatic translations from Altavista's Bablefish site, and has found out that Bablefish is just as bad if not worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Next time you're using tha mighty 'Fish (!!!!), don't forget, as the phrase translated from Portuguese to English goes: "The given horse if does not look at to it for the tooth."!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Oi!!!! Blunket!!!! Shut it!!!!!!!!!

Amazingly enough, those really quick people in the "upmarket presses" have finally come round the startling conclusion that the current UK Home Secretary David Blunkett is about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside!!!!!! U-no, I don't think people would be so nice to him if he wasn't blind!!!! But seeing as he's all down on all this "political correctness" malarkey, I think it would be interesting if people started making silly faces at him whilst he's speaking, or wearing "Wot a load of cobblers, Blunkett!!!" T-shirts in his presence!!!! And when he finds out wot happened afterwards, we'll see if he "whines" like an "airy-fairy" "bleeding-heart liberal" about people taking unfair advantage of his blindness!!!!!

Nukes: Yaaawwwwnnn!!!!!

A jolly unusual point of view from one fiesty young woman here !!!! Zoe Williams argues that all this arguing about having Iraq potentially having nuclear weapons isn't going to impress a lot of people because during the Cold War, the "Evil Empire" back then (ie The Russians, and not Saudi Arabia as you may think!!!) had squillions of megatonnes of nukes, on rockets that could actually have a jolly good chance of hitting us, but that was OK because we had squillions of of megatonnes of nukes, on rockets that could actually have a jolly good chance of hitting them!!!! They called this little wheeze a "nuclear deterrent", and apparently a lot of people became comfortable enough with the concept that they are a bit blase about Saddam having them!!!!! Of course this line of argument assumes that the person in charge of the nukes isn't a complete "heid-banger"!!!! But then again, Brezhnev and Reagan managed to cope pretty well with them, didn't they!!!!!!!

Funny little man wot doesn't write for tha Herald!!!!

Wow, this is a jolly big surprise!!!! Long-term readers of my luvley organ (Senior Citizen of course!!!!) might dimly remember John MacLeod, that funny little man from the Western Isle wot writes for the Glasgow Herald!!!!! Except now he doesn't!!!!

It seems that writing eulogies about the Renfrew Ferry or writing fumilnations about homosexuals despite having been previously outed in gay magazine are OK, but it's apparently a bit of a no-no to write:

Had the parents of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman kept the Lord's Day, their daughters would still be alive. 'They would have spent the day at rest or the private and public worship of God, and not been wandering the countryside, prey for whatever evil finally befell them.
Or at least it was when the Herald got loads of complaints after it was published, leading the editor to give young MacLeod the order of the Shanks Pony via telephoney!!!!! Strangely enough, most of his collegues on the Herald are going all Voltaire on this affair!!!! U-no wot I mean: "I may not agree with wot you say, but I defend my job^H^H^H^H^Hyour right to say it!!!!!!" Actually the chaps in the Herald and elsewhere have been jolly nice to young MacLeod up until this point. After all, this sprightly 46 year-old has been a "former Young Scottish Journalist of the Year and Regional Columnist of the Year", (Which to be honest, says a lot about the state of Scottish journalism, youthful or otherwise!!!!!) and the Herald even moved his column to another day "to avoid the perception among fellow hard-line Presbyterians that he was writing on a Sunday"!!!!! Arrrgghh!!!!! Infamy!!!!! Still, perhaps if he did write another completely different column on the Sabbath, he might still be in his job!!!!! And there are even noises to the effect that he's might re-appear in the increasingly dotty Scotsman!!!! Right up there next to Bill "Europe = Satan!!!" Jamieson!!!! And Linda "Porn = Child Abuse!!!!" Watson-Browne!!!! And Kate "Politcal Correctness!!!!!" Grant!!!! And Martin "The Scottish Executive are a bunch of big girl's blouses!!!" Clarke!!!! Great, huh!?!?! Well, unless you're a Scotsman reader presumably!!!! Assuming such a creature still exists theze days of course!!!!

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

Who says punk is immature!!!!!!!!!

Now, the way this Queen's Jubilee malarkey was covered in the mass media, you'd think everyone in the entire British Isles was going "Cor blimey guv, God bless our Queen!!!!!" and had a Union Jack painted on their face!!!!!!!!! Well, I can tell you that's a lot of bunkum and tummyrot!!!!!!! It was just reported like that and then shown across the UK on big telly screens in public squares to an audience of about 4 tourists!!!!!! The main action was down in London where there was a truly awful pop concert (Which might have been more bearable if Will Young sung his current gramophone recording, "Light My Fire"!!!!) a really snazzy firework display with a few neat tricks borrowed from our continental friends, and a big parade thingy, which apparently drew a crowd of 1 million!!!! Mind you, that could have been the amount of people taking part in the parade!!!!! Anyway, it was a bit noticeably quieter up my end, in much the way that a Marcel Marceau performance could be said to be noticeably quieter than an exploding Doodlebug!!!!! So, in this end of civilisation, I can imagine this next innovation in popular music culture might catch on- Punk Lullabies For Kids!!!!

Welcome to the New York Times, Mr p7d8n1BMMuIIC!!!!

When doing some Ll3l3kl35t5t3t33 (Funny way hackers, spell "elite", isn't it?!?!? Maybe they should bring out a "Spelling For Dummies" book like that jolly nice "Sex For Dummies" book not so long ago!!!!!! Mind you, not that I needed read it of course- in fact, you could say I wrote the book on the subject!!!!! Except that it's not technically true!!!! In fact, somebody else wrote the book!!!!) Erm, anyway!!!!!!! Where was I?!?!??! When you're doing some Ll3l3kl35t5t3t33 surphing on tha infos superpipeway to tha megamighty NetWeb on your w3browsey-wowsey, haven't you ever thought: "Hey!!!! it would be a really cool idea if I assumed the identity of ""!??!?!?!" I know I have!!!!! Especially if one wishes to read stuffs on tha New York Times w3sitey, where you would need to register and log in to see anything, even if New York was hit by meteorite!!!!!!!! So congratulations ("and tribulations", or however that crap Cliff Richard song goes!!!!) go to this enterprising chappie for doing an NYT Random Login Generator!!!!!!! Now all we need is a CGI proggy to rewrite the articles, so that they're actually worth logging on for!!!!!!!!!

Industry middlemen are against cutting out industry middlemen!!!!!!

Here's US Record Industry head honcho Hilary Rosen on a plan by KaZzZAzZAAa or whatever they're called, and various hip band people (No Doubt!!!!! By which I of course mean the band No Doubt!!!! Although there's probably very little doubt that other hip bands might like the idea!!!!) to cut out the industry and pay artists directly for music downloads:
the most disingenuous thing I've ever heard. It's ridiculous
So, obviously no personal interest there, eh!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 04, 2002


"The last thing you want is for your television to find out you have haemorrhoids", says this bloke!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 16, 2002


Wot a great acronym for a great program!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 04, 2002


Oops, a famous celebrity opened their own restaurant again!!!!!

Monday, March 25, 2002


Oi!!! Stop playing with your knob!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 23, 2002


Well, it´s certainly more interesting than "Kilroy Woz Here"!!!!!

Friday, March 22, 2002


Ali G is the new "Al Johnson"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Which to be honest, is probably more more amusing than his current cinematic excursion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yay!!!!! Miracles can happen!!!!

Thursday, March 14, 2002

Use an inkjet printer- and go to jail!!!!!!

By Jove!!!!!!! I knew a lot of US peeps are understandably still jumpy after all this terrible business with terrorists and so on, but this is taking caution a tad far!!!!!! Some zero-budget filmaker printed out a whole load of fake money to be used as props in his movie- then he gets arrested for forgery!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wot next- someone on a desert island waving a white flag to attract attention, and then getting arrested by tha Fuzz because it's not got the stars and stripes on it?!?!??!


Yay!!!! It's the Eurovision Song Content again!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be voting "Ping Pang-a-Pong" by Beligum's Hardrock Bert & His Hot Poogy Express!!!!! (Wot do you mean they didn't win the Beligan finals!??!?! Oh, fiddlesticks!!!!!!!!!)

Holidays in Glasgow: 'dogshit'!!!!!!!!!!!!

If wading through beer cans, curry packs, cigarette packets and dogshit is what turns you on, then Glasgow's your dream place for a holiday.
Crikey!!!! And that's from the Rev. Ron Ferguson, who is, like, a bishop!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 13, 2002


When Britney Spears fans grow up!!!!!!!!!!


Do you think if I say 'Senior Citizen is bloody brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!' enough, it'll get on Google?!??!?!


Shock horror!!!!!!!!! Televisual advertisiments are a bit deafening on the old earhole!!!!!!!!


When all those bowler hat types say to hackers: "Why don't you use your skills for a proper job!??!?!?!??!", I don't think they meant this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, February 25, 2002

"Full Confidence" Alert!!!!!

Hey!!!! Here's a breaking news story!!!!! UK Transport Minister Stephen Byers (Wot a great name for a Cash 'n' Carry!!!!!!) has been in a bit a of a row with some people that might have resigned from his office, or he might have sacked!!!!!!! We don't know which!!!!!!!! And top of that he's been in a bit of a spot over problems with the railways, roads, the airports, and, well, basically everything he touches, and some peeps want King Blair to go el-choppo on him!!!!!!!! (By which I of course mean sack him, not... Er, actually I don't really think anyone suspected otherwise!!!!!!!!!! Unless they're really mad!!!!!! Or have similar thoughts about Anne Widdlecome!!!!! But I repeat myself...) But anyway, old Tone's just announced his backing for Byers, so that's OK then, apparently!!!!!!!! So bloody wot, you might howl!!!!!!!!! But, this is actually a great time for a political experiment!!!!!!!!! When Number 10 backed Byers, they were quoted as saying that they had their "full confidence" in him!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, that's right, UK political watchers!!!!!!!! The magic phrase "full confidence" has been invoked!!!!!!! So, according to past form by the UK govt in announcing their "full confidence" for troubled ministers, we can expect Stephen Byers resignation letter within the month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or can we?!?!? As an experiment, let's observe what happens in the next few weeks, and see if this magic phrase of doom still has it's legendary power!!!!!!!!!


U-no, I always thought those wacky US fundie types were flogging a dead horse, but I didn't think they meant it literally!!!!!!!!!!!!! (BTW Do they have a different Bible over there?!?!?! One that misses out the "Thou Shalt Not Lie" bit?!?!?!?)


Now the Invisible Man can use IRC!!!!!!!!!!


If you decided to do a spiffy new "ad hoc" network with your wireless, would you give a name which sounds like something that nice young chap Will Smith would come up with?!?!?!??!?!

Go to tha Offies- in your Drawing Room!!!!!

Honestly!!!!!!! It's getting a bit hairy at the off-licenses these days!!!!!! Nope!!!! I don't mean they've turned into hippies and started selling Jazz ciggies!!!!!!!!! No, it's the to the millionz of "neds" outside chucking tenners at you and asking for "ah boattle of Buckie, big maahhhn!!!!!!!! etc. etc."!!!!!!! It's getting to the point where I need a tommy gun to get a bottle of gin!!!!!! Hopefully that funny Bush chappie won't subsequently lump me in with that Access Of Evil malarkey!!!!! (Anyway, I always thought Visa were better!!!!!!!!!!!!) Ahem, anyway!!!!! It could be get worse!!!! The neds could be hanging outside your house instead!!!!! And it's all thanks to tha NetWeb!!!!!!!!!That's because according to this slightly confusing article, there's a chance that selling stuffs on the w3 might lead to NetWebby Offies selling booze for motorcylce courier delivery- from someone's Sitting Room!!!!!!!!!!!! So in future, you'll be able to have a Lounge- in your lounge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Curling- the new Rock 'n' Roll?!??!?!

Well, congrats are obviously in order to Rhona Martin & co, for winning the first Brit Gold medal in the Winter Olympics since Tovrill & Dean fell down at the end of their interminable Bolero routine in nineteen-canteen!!!!!!! Wot a shame, it's for flipping Curling, which is exactly like bowling- only in Lapland!!!!!!! Still, it's quite amusing to see an incredibly boring sport which has had loads of TV coverage for squillions of years up my end suddenly become hip 'n' happening amongst London media types!!!!!!

Monday, February 18, 2002

Blog off, Blogs!!!!!!!!!!

Blimey!!!! Is it that long since the second day versh 2 of SC that I noted that some 1st generation bloggers were getting a little miffed off as 2nd generation bloggers who used stuff like, erm, Blogger!??!?!?!?!? Well, it seems like the mainstream press have finally caught up, like only 17 months afterwards!!!!!!! So, top markxzzx to Wired for really being on-the-ball and up-to-tha-minute there!!!! Especially as they're being a bit sniffy about a column by John Dvorak of PC World, which basically said the same things about blogs that Wired themselves said about Matt Drudge and online reporting in general!!!!!!!!!!! (Tho to be fair, they do give both "F&%£edcompany" and"F&%3ked Weblog" a mention...)

Friday, February 08, 2002

Talk about 'revealing sources'!!!!!!

U-no!!! I was reading some story in tha Wooly Brigade's fave papier, Tha Guardian!!!! It was about the usual music industry woes re Morpheus/Gnuttella/Limewire/PloppyTrader/Bearshare (Wot?!?!?! Is that a P2P thingy for "blue movies"?!?!?!? I think we should be told!!!!!!) and wasn't too much to write about, to be honest!!!!

Except for this!!!!!! The GuardyPeeps put their usual load of "related links" at the end of their story, just like any tired "old media" w3sitey!!!! And look at what they put as the top link!!!!!!!!! Before the linkos to the National Crime Sqaud!!!!!!

Thursday, February 07, 2002


They finally picked the replacement member for Kym in failing made-uppie beat combo Hear"Say, and peeps are really pleased about it!!!!!!!


Fractals- in Javascript!!!!!!!

Friday, February 01, 2002


If you're a multisquillion comglomeratery thingy and you're trying to swing a vote, it's a good idea not to get caught!!!!!!!

Naughty words- on "This Morning"!!!!

Just as well Richard & Judy missed this one!!!!!!! Apparently some young lady called Caprice was on Britain's deadly-dull morning TV show "This Morning" talking about taking part in some thingy she's involved in called "The Vagina Monologues", which, as the name suggests, is a dull-but-worthy "piece in which various ladies stand up and give the audience an earful about their furry front-bottoms!!!!

So bloody wot, you might roar!!!!! Well, OK, it's not really that contraversial these days!!!! I mean, we've already had Pupperty of the Penis performing live on the Big Breakfast at 8am in the morning!!!! (Albiet filmed from behind and from the waist up!!!!!) However, that was merely the horse doovre for a truly groundbreaking moment in tha anals of UK Daytime TV!!!!! "One of my monologues is called 'Reclaiming C@%$' It is very challenging." she said on a live telly-o-gram broadcast!!!!!! Which provoked the wrath of... one person!!!!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!! You just wondered how Richard Madley would have handled this one!!!!! He probably would have done a crap Ali G impersonation and said: "Errr!!!! Oh my God!!!! Oops, I mean, nah woman, innit!!! I is using the word 'punani', err, instead!!!! Aiii?!?!?!?"!!!!!!!!!!


Damn you Microsoft and your full raw socket API!!!!!!

Monday, January 07, 2002

The Fast & The Furious- and that's just the customers!!!!!!!!

You might be dimly aware that by now a lot of breadheads in the gramophone industries are getting a little put out by the fact that Napster/Gnutella/LimeWire/MusicCity/P2P-Plopster are showing that the average consumer never was quite the loyal "revenue stream" they thought they were!!! To remedy this scourge of free music (And presumably, given the extent to which the music industry relies on freebies in the first place, "rationalise" their industry in tha proces!!!!!), they're now starting to make CDs that don't play on anything that uses CD-Roms!!! Or indeed, a great deal of "proper" CD players!!!!! Presumably this is meant to prevent piracy, or indeed any concept of fair use!!!!

Mind you, one other thing that it appears to be preventing is record sales!!!! According to this bloke, the first US release containing copy protection hasn't even scraped into the US top 200!!! And the "reviews" on Amazon haven't been too complimentary either!!!! Woops!!!!