Today's brainy quote!!!

The objective of a salesperson is not to make sales, but to make customers. [?!?!?!? I thought it was a bit of both!!!!]

The web's not safe anymore- in 16-bit!!!!!!

Ah, I remember the old days!!!!!!!! When you could only get 8 colours on a compute!!!!!! And they were mostly shades between red and muddy brown!!!!!!!!! And not so long ago, you have 16 bit computes with around 16 colours out of a choice of 512!!!!!

Yes, but those days are gone, aren't they, I hear you sob!!!!!!!!!! Well, not necessarily!!!!! You can return to the old days of limited pallettes by making your the colours in your website "websafe" in 16 bit "hi-colour" mode!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, Webmonkey, one of the few remaining relics left from the long dead Hotwired, have done a little investigation into the old traditional "web safe" color palette which was used on web browsers in the old 256-colour VGA days, and whether it worked any more or not!!!!!!

What they found was that in 16-bit "hi-colour" mode, only 22 of the original 216 websafe colors were actually websafe, and most of those colours are shade of green!!!!!!!!! So if you use this palette, not only will be websafe- it'll be reallly enviromentally friendly as well!!!!!!!!

This CD goes with a bang- literally!!!! (Almost!!!!!)

U-no, when I was studying the gentle art of computer science at Uni (back when Unis were unis, and not former High Street toilets with the word "uni" stuck on them!!!!!) Oops, there I go being my wacky off-the-wall self again!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyway- what we used to do at Uni was change the Mac system, so that it played funny samples when you did things!!!!! For example, set the keylcick to emit a gunshot FX, then an explosion for the Return key!!!!!! In fact, some of the more enterprising peeps (ie me!!!!!!) recorded our own samples!!!! When people did something wrong on my special system, they would hear an angry person saying: "You complete and utter dolt!!!!!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!!

How much easier our job would have been if this CD was around!!!! From those delightful chaps at Rhino, who have brightened many a day with their re-release of the entire Monkees back catalogue, have come up with another winner!!!!!!! "Crash! Bang! Boom! The Best of WB Sound FX"!!!!!!! Now your loony system can have Looney Toons sound FX!!!!!!!!!

Second Summer of Love- 12 years late!!!!!

Those lucky colonials!!!!!! Why, only 12 years after us "limeys" jumped about in fields to "acid house" and wore garish baggy clothing, prompting some people to call it a "Second Summer of Love", folks in the US are jumping about in fields to "acid house" and wearing garish baggy clothing, prompting some people to call it a "Second Summer of Love"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just like in 1988 in the UK, there's tons of "drugs menace" type stories in the mainstream media!!!!!!!!

I hate to think what happens when Big Beat hits the US in 2011!!!!!!!!! They'll have to bring Fatboy Slim over in a zimmer-frame by then!!!!!!!!!!!

Answers on a postcard, please- marked "Cosplay"!!!!!!!

What on earth is Cosplay?!?!?!?!?!?! I just saw this word the other day, and found loads of websites connected with it, and I still don't know what it is!!!!!!!!!

Apparently it has something to do with Anime and wearing costumes wot are based on Anime characters, and the people involved go to sci-fi stylee conventions a lot, but that's about as far as I can comprehend of it, because no-where in their websites does anyone actually explain wot Cosplay actually is!!!!!!! Even tho there's tons of websites devoted to this enigmatic cause!!!!!!

There's even CG Cosplay, which given my current lack of knowledge on the subject makes about as much sense as "CG Ballroom Dancing"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tom's Browned off about Weblish!!! (Doh!!!!!!)

You might have noticed that certain dead-tree-media (!!!!) folks have noticed that tha megamighty NetWeb Inpho-way hi-pipe has had an effect on language!!!!! Well, that realisation has finally hit Scotland's favourite grumpy slaphead, Tom Brown- columnist for the increasingly desperate Scottish tabloid the Daily Record!!!!!

Presumably since the paper's moved into that swish new building on Anderston Quay, apparently Mr Brown's been getting into the pleasures of email!!! In his column today, he notes how "rude" it is, because it doesn't start with "Dear sir..." or end with "yours sincerely"!!!! He's also noticed that some people abbreviate words!!!! Apparently "lol" means "Laugh Out Loud"!!!!! Well I never!!!! He also threatens to answer any nasty emails sent to him with the reply: "B*****s 2 U!" (Well, that's what it says here!!!!!!!)

You might notice that there's no weblink to the online webby version of his column- well, look we tried, but the Record's website is even more useless than the actual "newspaper"!!!!! We went along to Tom Brown's column (Ooh-errrr!!!!!!!!) which is helpfully titled "Untitled Document", and it's basically full of weeks old stuff!!!!!!!! In fact, it's dates from the time when his former editor wanted to give the give the government a good kicking!!!!! So you get an amusing rant where he claims to be an "old Labour supporter"!!!!! (Funny, I see no mention of when he was editor of the Scottish Daily Express, back when they still supported the Conservative party!!!!!!!)

Even more amusingly, he writes later: "Why hasn't there been a national outcry about the price of petrol?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Higgs- junk food for atoms!??!?!

How often have you passed McDonalds or Burger King and thought "I wonder if there's an equivalent of these fast food retailers for atomic particles?!?!?!??!"!!??!?!?!

Well, maybe not!!!!! But only because it wouldn't be called "McDonalds" or "Burger King", it would be called "Higgs"!!!!!!!!!

U C, (!!!!) it's this special type of "quark" thingy called a "boson"!!!! This particular type is called a "Higgs" boson, named after some dude called Higgs, presumably!!!!!!!!!

What is does, according to scientest bods, is that there's squillions of them all about, too small to be seen, and they cause "drag" on the bigger atommic particles, which shows up as "mass"!!!! In other words, they slow down atomic matter, and make them put on weight, just like your average junk-food "boutique"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that's the theory anyway!!!!! And some scientest think they might have found actual evidence of it's existance!!!! Apparently it's a bit "plump" itself- according to a scientest in this webby page: "We all hope that what we are seeing is the Higgs on the horizon"!!!!!!!!!!! Now that's what I call "big-boned"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's cheesy bon mot!!!

An opportunist hears opportunity at the door before it knocks.

Bust the joint- with a joint!!!!!!!!

What with militant protests happening every place (Even in our own little ol' island!!!) the average protester is going to have to be a bit smarter to stand out!!!!!

So expect more stunts like this one!!!!! A load of people called The Australian Cannabis Law Reform Movement, who are in favour of the law being a bit easier on "special" cigarettes, are intending to disrupt a meeting of the World Economic Forum in Melbourne, Australia- by battering down the door with a battering ram shaped like a big "Camberwell Carrot"!!!!!!!!!!! A spokesman says: "The Drug War is the pointy end of globalisation"!!!!!!!!!!!

If you find this easy to use- you're a woman!!!!!!!

U-no... (!!!!) After using loads of operating systems, (Coming to the conclusion that Windows is without doubt the biggest load of crap ever assembled in one place!!!!!) I've been surf-trolling tha megamighty W3 for loadsa infs about WIMPs, by which of course I mean the GUI, not the idiots from Big Brother!!!!!!!!!!!

One interesting thingy I found was this "essay" called The Ideology of Ease by the wonderfully named Bradley Dilger!!!!!!!!!! It starts off by noting the probs various computer students had FTPing and copying files to a floppy!!!!!! They're computer students forr flips sake, they should be learning these things!!!!!!!!!!! It's like trying to learn to drive without knowing what that big circular thing is on the dashboard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The other funny thing is the surprising assertion that the concept of ease of use is wimmen's stuff!!!!

"Women are expected to identify with ease; men are expected either not to need it or to use it in passing on their way to superior ability. I believe ease is closely connected to the identification of masculinity with mastery and power."

I'll certainly remember that one next time I find I've spontaneously re-assigned my gender as a direct result of interaction with a graphical user interface!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spamming- in C!!!!!

Have you ever completed a fabby new program in VIC Basic, and thought: "Hmmm!!! Maybe I should spam it to squillions of newsgroups!!!!!!!!!" Well, maybe not- but you might if it was someone else's!!!!!

Take this example... In amongst all those "Live Amsterdam Rumpy-Pumpy!!!!" type bollox spam was spread a C program!!!!!!

So what would possess someone to spam a C prog?!?!?!?! Well, take a closer look- it's our old friend, DeCSS, the DVD decrypter that the movie industry are not too hot on!!!!!!!

Of course, this could start a trend!!!!! Loads of people could release C program listings for one's compute, just like the old BBC Basic listings in BBC Micro User!!!!!! In fact, some spammer could be really nasty, label their C prog "DeCSS", someone downloads it and runs it, and it says on the screen: "Now we've caught your attention, why not point your browser to Live Amsterdam Rumpy-Pumpy at http://www.liveamsterdamrumpypumpy.com/"!!!!!!!!!

Big Brother is really really boring!!!!!!!!

Is it me, or is that Big Brother show on tha tellybox really really really boring?!??!?!?!??!!?!! I've only watched that episode where Nick gets turfed out, and even that was incredibly boring!!!!!! "Nasty Nick"!?!?!? More like "Not-very-interesting Nick"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he was the least uninteresting of the folk!!!!! Even worse was that Tom dude, who speaks very slowly!!!! And that Nicola woman who thinks shes really "extrovert" and an "individual", when in fact she comes across as someone who is about as subversive as a wacky "yoof" TV presenter!!!!!!!!! And people are apparently "addicted" to this tosh, because well, they're on TV, and therefore must be inherently more "interesting"!!!!!!!!!!!!

And guess wot!!!! It's even worse in the US, where in their versh of the show, at least the contestants have got enough backbone to start getting cheesed off with the producers trying to prod them to do silly "tasks" like fashion shows and "songs", and are threatening to stage a walkout!!!!!!!!!!!

They're not the only ones!!!!!! There are a couple of anti-BB sites on tha W3!!!!!!

Taking "body modification" to tha max!!!!!!!!

Yep, you've probably been seeing this one coming after we were talking about nanotechnology and "internal" ID chips last week!!!!!! So here it is!!!!!!

Move over, humans!!!!!!! Looks like the next hype is going to be "transhumans" and "posthumans"!!!!!!! The two terms of course referring to what humans will presumably be called in the post info-hiway-pipe nanobot revolution!!!! Apparently, "some signs of transhumanity include bodily augmentation with implants, androgyny, asexual reproduction, and distributed identity", which sounds a bit like those peeps in that Gap advert if you ask me!!!!!!!!!!

Ah!!!! This is just like the old days of the web, when people were going on about the internet turning the world into a global village where everyone just happened to act like burnt-out Californian hippies!!!!!! Talking of which, doesn't it all read a bit much like that dude Terence McKenna that those folks from The Shamen were hanging out with?!?!?!

Wot, do you mean: "Who TF is TK?!?!?!?"!!!!!!! Actually, he's been going around for some time... And if you thought that all those end-of-world people would be a bit quieter after the New Years celebrations passed off without the apocalypse spoiling things, you'd be wrong!!!!!!! Check this one out!!!!!!!

Apparently the pace at which life changes is accellerating so much that there it'll come to a "singularity" (as early as 2012!), where everything changes all the time in a really "psychedelic" fashion!!!!!!! You'll probably find yourself becoming "transhuman" or "posthuman" over a single lunchtime!!!!!! And if you don't watch out, and your brain will go foom!!!!!!

Answer!?!?!? Take lots of psychedelic drugs, apparently!!!!!!! And this interview with McKenna gives you some helpful hints on the "organic" variety, which you can get next time you're on a trip (!!!!!!) down to your local Amazonian Rain Forest!!!!!!

Needless to say, the Transhuman folks are a more "respectable" bunch, and don't spend loads of time talking about the effects of various "special" fungi!!!!!!!!!

Nanobots- the Next Generation!!!!

Never mind big rings, wot about small bots?!?!?!?! By which I of course mean Nanobots!!!!!!!

You might remember that tortuous nanobots storyline in Red Dwarf VII!!!! Well, this lot of nanobots scientests know absolutely nothing about it- but they are big fans of Star Trek!!!!!! "I was a dyed-in-the-wool Trekkie" says one!!!!! So that's all right then!!!!! They're also into "2001: A Space Oddessy", even tho it's obviously out of date!!!!!!

Rather annoyingly, the article in question is on this single page "edition" of something called Edge, but no direct link to the article in question!!!!!!! Just search for the text "Beyond 2001: HAL's Legacy for the Enterprise Generation".

Today's (slightly topical) quote!!!

If you're not mature enough to accept criticism, you're too immature for praise.

A dark age- literally!!!

You might heard of this "dark age" lark, which happened way back in the olden days when the Roman Empire went kaput!!!!!!!! But it might have been literally dark!!!!!! Or at least a little dimmer.

Some scientest dude has found evidence that the beginning of the Dark Ages coincided with an apparent meteorite strike somewhere on the planet, which might have messed up the climate a tad!!!!

And he found all this by looking at some tree rings!!! I hope he kept a "log" of the results!!!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!!!!!)

Young Whippersnappers- you're rubbish!!!!!!!!

At least, you are according to this vaguely amusing article in today's Glasgow Herald. Apparently the "wee weans" are too well behaved or something!!!!!!!

Frankly, my daughter's pals let the side down. They were a disgrace to their generation. They were so damned polite and pleasant and well-behaved. None of them fell over. They didn't shout and swear. Nothing was smashed. Not one fight broke out. They didn't get elephant's trunk. No-one disgraced themselves. In fact, they were perfect company.

And that's why they ought to be ashamed of themselves. Whatever happened to the outrageous behaviour of youth? How are old geezers like us supposed to enjoy a party if we don't have their laddish antics to complain about? Don't they realise that they're depriving us oldies of the pleasure of being able to say things like: "For God's sake, turn that bloody music down. You can't hear yourself speak in here!" Or: "Put that funny cigarette out, my lad, and put it out now!" Or even: "That's it, I'm calling the police!"

It even rains in Gleneagles!!!!

How about this for a useful picture of the scenic countryside surrounding the famous Gleneagles Hotel in Scotland, taken courtesy of a webcam!!!! Great view, huh!!!!!!!

It's a Bad Word- Literally!!!!!!!!!

Looks like someone has overconfigured their MS Word toolbar!!!!!!!!!!

Today's (vaguely appropriate) cheesy quote!!!

Public opinion is private gossip which has reached epidemic proportions.

Overturn the Second Law of Thermodynamics- for a joke!!!!!

We don't normally plug "humor" pages that much, but check out the great quote from this one!!!!!!

"Were the second law [of Thermodynamics] to be repealed, random particles would collect and organize themselves instead of dissipating, which could affect such basic processes as combustion, digestion, evaporation, convection--that sort of thing," Columbia University superstring theorist Dr. Brian Greene said. "There wouldn't be much sunlight, either, because all stars, including our sun, would be collecting photons from surrounding space instead of emitting solar radiation. Oh, and the universe would begin to contract rather than expand, which could possibly turn back the flow of time itself, sending our cosmos spiraling inward toward a reverse Big Bang, a sort of 'Big Crunch,' if you will."

"In light of all this, I would sincerely hope that our nation's legislators think long and hard before making any decisions to amend or repeal this law."

Monty Python: History ripped us off!!!!

Remember the old days when they taught you history?!?!?!? Well, if you do, how many times did you hear about an event, then the teacher says: "Of course, it was all ripped off Monty Python!!!!!"!??!?!?!

Well, maybe not very often!!!!!!! But Terry Jones of the Python dudes apparently thinks so!!!!!! And he also manages to summarise his recent "Gladiators" documentary in a nice easy-to-read article, so we don't have to bother watching the bloody thing on TV again!!!!!

Grafitti Art- "Electro" stylee!!!!! (Literally!!!!!!)

You know that crap car advert for some "customised" version of a car, and it's called Picasso!!!!! For some reason, there's a whole load of robots spraying Picasso-style art all over the car, then another one cleaning it off!!!!!

What you might not know is that this is not just science fiction, but science fact!!!!!!!! There's now a robot which can do spray can art!!!!!!! Which is really good, because it means if you're wanting to put your latest artist creation on a New York subway train, then you can program this robot to jump on a plane, then go round to a subway, then paint the completed work on train!!!!! Which is much more convenient than actually doing it yourself, obviously.

Don't march unless you can install SuSe 6.2!!!!!!!!

As reported earlier, US geeks are starting to organise, agitate, and erm, smash the "Know-nothing" state!!!!!! And now they're really starting to kick bottom- next month in San Francisco, it's Geek Pride!!!!!!

Get your Deely Boppers out!!!!

As you have probably guessed, even if you are one of those ironic twats!!!!! The 70s is getting "played out" in nostalgic terms!!!!! There's stuff like the BBC's "I Love the 70s" which grimly extracts all the "wacky" stuff from a year per episode, making it a bit like the 70s nostalgia equivalent of an empty toothpaste tube being rolled up to extract the last drops of nostalgic funky toothpaste!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet you can guess what's happening next!!!!!! Yes, it'll be the 80s coming back into fashion and being the "decade that taste forgot" this time around!!!!!! Which is jolly funny, because in the 80s, they said that the 70s was the "decade that taste forgot"!!!!!!!!!!

So, no doubt you'll be ready to withstand all those people who are about to pretend that they always liked Classix Nouveaux and Latin Quarter!!!!! But just in case you're asked an awkward question about the 80s, here's a helpful 80s trivia webbysite!!!!!!! And here's another one!!!!! OK, they're both a bit US-biased, but then again these days, but then again UK folks don't appear to mind!!!!! Even the lemmings over here don't jump off the cliffs, but take a plane to New York and jump off the Statue of Liberty instead!!!!!!

That race is a draw- literally!!!!

Hey!!! Check out my really ace Murrary Walker impersonation!!!!!

When!!!! You're!!!! Watch!!!!! Ing!!!! Form!!! U!!! La!!!! One!!!! Racing!!!! And!!!! You!!!!! See!!!! That!!!!! Michael!!!! Schumacher!!! (You know, the German dude whose face looks like The Man On The Moon, and does that advert where he goes: "ItsLorealAndI'mWorthIt!!!!!!!!!!" faster than he drives his flippin' car!!!!!!!) Ahem... I !!!!! Bet!!!! You!!! Nev!!! Ver!!!! Thought!!!! Of!!!!! Tom!!!!!! And!!!!! Jerry!!!!

Well, until now that is!!!!!! Because here's the Formula One Cartoon Archive!!!!!!!!!!!

Slashdot Wibble Week!!!!!!

You know, I'm an old man!!!!!!!!!!! But I feel even older now!!!!!!! Because one of the things I remember from my youth is now being talked of in the same terms as those old pre-Web bulletin boards in California that all those boring sociologists thought marked the beginning of the bloody Age of Aquarius!!!!!!!!!!! Even more, amazing, it's flippin' Slashdot, which this bunch are looking at as a model of a "public space"!!!!!!!!! For the past couple of years, it's been more like space for Public Assholes!!!!!!!! And it seems someone on tha NetWeb finally agrees with me!!!!!!!!

Today's cheesy quotee!!!!

You can destroy men and cripple nations, but you cannot kill a good idea. [Explain Betamax, then!!!!!!!]

Scandanavians- don't fly a Lion Rampant flag at St. Andrews golf course!!!!!!

Why!??!?! Well, apparently Lord Lyon will get cross!!!!!!! Because, erm, apparently, you might be mistaken for Lord Lieutenant of Aberdeenshire!!!!!! Thus you might be destroying ancient Scottish culture!!!!!! At least, that's the reason according to Lord Lyon, reported in a rather amusing letter about a Scandanavian golf trip to St Andrews, published in last week's Glasgow Herald, which is a really serious broadsheet newspaper, and still read by "well-to-do" people in Scotland, who talk complete crap from a bygone age!!!!

"In order to illustrate the point, if every Tom, Dick, and Harry is going to turn up at the Aboyne Games with the lion rampant flag on their cars, how are we able to know at a glance when the car of the Lord Lieutenant of Aberdeenshire is appearing? In the same way, at the gathering, St Andrew's Cross is flown on the main flagstaff in the forenoon, but the moment the Lord Lieutenant arrives a trumpet call is sounded, the pipes play a failte, and the tressured lion rampant flag is raised. This is commonsense ceremonial as it has come down through the ages of Scottish law and history."

Parochial Scottish Lairds- don't you just love them?!?!?!?! I'm going get my battered old Mini up to St Andrews with loads of lion rampants on it, and if Lord Lyon throws a fit, I'll say: "How dare you!!!!!!! I'm the Lord Lieutenant of Aberdeenshire!!!!!!"!!!!

Radical Monday Editorial!!!!!!

Amazing!!!! Rather than complaining about the French, the Brits are complaining with the French!!!!!!!! Cripes!!! I'd never thought I'd see the day when UK folks join a Europe-wide industrial action!!!!! The fact that they actually got off the backsides and actually did anything at all is a bloody miracle!!!!!!! I'm shocked!!!!! In a pleasant way of course- and it's mainly old blokes as well!!!! Young whippersnappers please take note!!!!!!

And on this Radical Monday, I bet you can't help to notice the radical "new-look" layout of Senior Citizen, which uses CSS and other bells and whistles!!!!!! I think it looks bloody brilliant myself!!!!!!! There will be a few tweaks and so on, and I also want to add a FAQ and stuff, so the upgrade is not totally finished yet, but it's nearly there!!!!!

Like the crap daily quotes?!??!?! I've got this cheesy calendar at work with a crap quote per day!!!!! I thought I might as well use it to fill space!!!!!!!! Of course, if you've got any better quotes, why not mail us!?!?!

Today's cheesy aphorism!!!

Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice. [Which in my experience, is absolute pants!!!!!!!!!!]

Yesterdays Trite Quote

Most of us would be in more trouble than we are if all our prayers had been answered.

A big foamhole!!!!!!!!!

One of my friends often calls random people "foamholes"- at random times!!!!!!!!! When I ask what a "foamhole" is, he says he doesn't know, but it sounds "cool"!!!!!!!!! Well, this week, we could have found a possible candidature for this somewhat undefinable word!!!! There's a big hole in Spain, and it's been foaming away for 6 weeks, and no-one has the foggiest why!!!!!!!!!

Don't be too flash- with Flash!!!!!!!

Guess wot!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently they've found out that a lot of w3surfers are getting a little cheesed off at loading ginormus Flash jobbies when they goto a webby site!!! You know that ones: they flash some logo from a company, and then they fade in and out words like "innovation" and "creation" and loadsa other "-ion" words!!!!!! And you have to wait a minute for it to load!!!!!!

Mind you, if try and say it, you run the risk of getting thousands of arty designers mailing you back, saying "phew crickey grandad, you're so square!!!!"!!!!!!!! Harumph!!!!!!!!!!!!

The W3C Speaks.... Literally!!!!

When you listen to newspapers, you generally don't hear a lot from them!!!!! At the most, you get "rustle" from them!!!!! And the online webby news-sites tend to be even less useful in the noise department!!!! But that might not be the case in the future!!!!!! There's a new XML-base webby language out now called VoiceXML!!! It allows you to do webpages which can be read by special "voice browsers" will read out your webpages!!!!! A lot of this can be applied as stylesheets to existing webpages, and add background music, select a different voice "font", and so on!!!!!!!!

Hmmmm.... I wonder if I would be able to fix up a sound stylesheet in such as way that when a voice browser reads a webpage, it sounds like a crazy wacky radio show?!??!? Dunno wot those tabloids would sound like put through a voice browser tho!!!!!!!!!! Probably sound like that annoying bloke down the pub!!!!!!!!!

Beep Beep Beep beep- it's The Vengaboys!!!!!!!

There has a been a major-change at SDHQ whilst SC got "rested"!!! I've got a mobile phone!!!!!! Yes, I got it as my social life amongst the old dears has expanded somewhat of late!!!!! I also got it to really annoy people on the buses by going into "HELLLOOOOO!!!!!!! [pause] I'M ON THE BUUUS!!!! etc." But an even better way to annoy those young whippersnappers would be to have a really nauseating mobile phone ring!!!!!! Well, you can program tunes on the thingies these days, so why not program in something from The Vengaboys or Ace of Base!??!! You can find out at this interesting webbysitey called "Mobile edge"!!!!!!!!!

Stick a compute- up your "brown eye"!!!!!

You know that spiffing bit in that otherwise overrated movie "Quadrophenia" (Which I thought was supposed to be some Sci-Fi move about people with four ears, until I saw it, and it was actually about some bunch of beatnik "mods"- and they didn't even use a soundtracker!!!!!!!!!!!!) Ahem anyway, if you've seen the movie, there's a pretty good bit where the hero (Well, he's supposed to be the hero, but for what reason is another matter!!!! I mean what does he do?!?!? Goes to a couple of parties, goes to Brighton and fights some rockers, loses his job, takes a load of drugs, then drives his bike off a cliff!!!!! Not exactly Arnie material here!!!!!!!!) Woops, where was I?!?!?! Oh yes, the good bit- he tells his boss to take his job and stick it right up his "arse"!!!!!!

So bloody wot, I hear you say!!!!!!!!!! Well, if he was from the company in this article, his boss would have said "OK, then!!!!"!!!!!!!! That's because the "job" would refer to a computerised ID tracking chip, to be inserted in a certain place!!!!!!!!!

Well, at least, that's the impression from this article, which seems to think that the most likely place human ID would be implanted would be the "left butt cheek"!!!!!!!!!!! If it's going to be a small glass capsule, like the one in this bloke, isn't that going to make sitting down a little uncomfortable?!?!??!?!?!?

Surf tha W3- and create a new language!!!!!!

You know, being such an old codger, it really warms the cockles of my heart to see an article which predicts my existance!!!!!!! Apparently, the NetWeb is giving rise to a new international language which has been termed Weblish!!!!! (Only prob with this is that "weblish" is also used as a term for publishing on tha W3!!!!!!!!) Apparently it's really "rich" (Which is total crap, because I don't get any money off it!!!!) and it really cheeses off some linguist dinosaurs!!!!!!!!

Goodness knows what they'll think of my spiffy "dialect" versh of it as displayed here!!!!! I dunno what I would call it, but here are a few suggestions!!!!

• Fart-ish!!!!!!
  
• Senior-Speak!!!!!
  
• Fart-talk!!!!!!
  
• Citizen-Craptalk!!!!!
  
• Dada-Gaga!!!!!
  
• Fartophone!!!!!
  
• Dad-Mouthing!!!!
  
• Farty-Gab!!!
  
• Senio-Sound!!!!
  
• Old Farts!!!
  
• Gas!!!!
  
• Crap!!!!
  
• Erm, I'm out of ideas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!