Friday, October 27, 2000

Thurdays Truly Terrible Pun!!!!

Nowadays the world revolves on it's taxes. [Nurse, my sides!!!!!!!]

Labarynthine Friday Quote!!!!

If it weren't for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn't know how he happy he isn't. [Ah, but if someone who is pessimistic about being optimistic is a pessimist, how come someone who's optimistic about being pessimistic is not an optimist?!?!?!?! Work that one out then, smartypants!!!!!!]

Eco car is hot air- literally!!!!!!

I've been seeing lots of politician types mouthing off on tha tellybox about the enviroment, and I've always wondered- why don't they (almost literally) put their money where their mouth is, and harness the vast amount of energy that comes from all the hot air they talk about the subject!??!?!?!? I mean, I'm pretty sure someone could take a few pipes out of the top of the Houses of Parliament and Lords for use in a massive Combined Heating Program scheme to heat the rest of London!!!!! And when Tony Blair's out around the country and making some speech, he could wear a mask which traps his hot air and use it to drive a turbine generator!!!!! This would of course have the additional advantage of obscuring his annoying grin as well!!!!! So everyone's a winner, really!!!!!!!!

Well, it looks like someone has finally taken notice of my simple but practical idea!!!!! Say hello to a car- which runs on air!!!!!!

Just think!!!!! John "Two Jags" Prescott will be able to drive himself around the country, just by talking a lot- which he does already!!!!!! And the Conservative party would be completely self-sufficient as far as transport costs are concerned!!!!!

And now the outlook: showers of meteors and "coronal mass ejections"!!!!

U-no, next time I'm taking a trip up in space, I'll check this w3site out- for the weather!!!!!

That's because it's a NetWeb site reporting on weather- in space!!!!!!!! Find out all the latest about avoiding the "Orionids" (Which sounds a bit painful!!!!! I'd recommend plenty of Preparation H, some Ovaltine, and a good night's rest!!!!!!!) and loads of info on "The Extraordinary Geomagnetic Perseid Meteor Shower"!!!!!!! (!!!)

At the time of writing the Solar Wind is 358.2 km/s, which sounds a bit like Gale Force 34!!!!!!! And there's 113 spots on the surface!!!!!!

Loads of acne- and it blows about a lot... Sounds like the Sun's a bit of a stroppy teenager, doesn't it!!!!!!!

Gilbert Ratchett- in Japanese!!!!!!!

One of my friends is getting a bit cheesed off at the way everyone seems to be doing comics in a Manga stylee!!!!!! Well, I don't have too much of a problem with that if it means you stuff like this Manga version of Viz!!!!!!

Wot a smart politician!!!!!

Seems like Scotland's new First Minister Henry McLeish has got off to a cracking start by pissing off the editors of four tabloid newspapers!!!!!!

Nothing like good publicity, eh!!!!!! And this was certainly nothing like good publicity!!!!!!!!!

Bloke wants to switch babies "off"!!!!!!!

There's this bloke in the Glasgow Herald, that writes all manner of whimsical "opinion" articles!!!!!! Usually they're uninteresting fluff!!!!! But this one isn't!!!!!!!! He's wittering on about mobile phones ringing in churches or some such nonsense!!!!! But then he says:

Another problem of noise intrusion at religious services which is less easy to solve. Babies are louder than mobile phones and cannot be switched off.

Switching "off" babies?!??!?!

I hope there aren't any genetic engineers reading this!!!!!!!!!

Young codgers talk about grey hair!!!!!

Ahhh!!!! It warms the heart of my cockles to see that even young whippersnappers are getting worried about grey hair!!!!!!!!!!

To which I say- who cares!!!!!! Let it grow grey!!!!! Or dye it puce if want!!!!!!!

Wot, no Thursday?!?!?!?

I was busy!!!!! There's a big demand on people with my talents, you know!!!! And unlike some people who do weblogs, some of us have to do "proper" work!!!!!!! Anyway, here's...

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

It's "State The Bleeding Obvious" Wednesday!!!!

Advertising is what tells us which luxuries we can't do without. [No!!!!!! Really?!??!?!?!]

Album covers- with Lego people!!!!!!

For once, I am speechless!!!!!!!!

Napster is dead!!!!!!

Quick, before it's too late!!!!!!!!! Napster is dead!!!!!!! Switch to Gnutella/Freenet/PloppyTrader!!!!!

Well, OK, it's not that bad really, but Napster can't have too long to go!!!!! Because those well know trend-setters Chumbawumba are using it!!!!!!!!!! Even worse, they're taking part in one of the more interesting phenonemnomenons happenin' on tha Napster NetWeb- wacky bootleg remixes!!!!!!!

According to this article, The Chumbies have remixed one of their songs with samples of: (Watch out for a completely not-expected-in-any-way list here!!!!) Metallica, Dr Dre, Eminemenineminem, Lars Ulrich, Noam Chomsky and Jello Biafra!!!!!!

At least they didn't use Napster to spread the track!!!!!! Rather naively, they're put it on their own website!!!!!! It'll be interesting to see how long it lasts up there!!!!!

Railtrack Luftwaffe!!!!!!

Eeek!!! And I thought the railways in the UK were in a bad state!!!!!!! But check this out!!!!!! The West Coast line in Scotland has been closed down while techhy people do "ultrasound" tests on the track integrity!!!!!!!

But it gets worse!!!!!!! Look at what the "High Heid Yin" from the rail company says:

I would like to apologise to all rail passengers. It is going to be an extremely difficult week for them. We are now going to have to blitz the network and run it for safety.

Blitz the network?!??!?!?!??!?! What sort of hair-brained wheeze is this?!?!??!! I've been in the wars and I can tell you from experience that having an area blitzed does not neccessarily increase it's safety factor!!!!!!! In fact, it's usually the opposite!!!!!!!!

Anyway, how are they going to do it??!?!?! Are they going to borrow a couple of stealth bombers from someone?!??!?!?!? Or maybe they've bought their own, which would explain why the rail network's been so underfunded and is falling to bits!!!!!!!!!

Sort your priorities out, you saps!!!!!!!

Rave around tha Dome!!!!!!

U-no, I might be going to London in the next couple of weeks!!!!!!! If so, I think I'll pay a visit to that Millenium Dome!!!!!!!!!!! Why!?!?!? Because there's been so many "Dome = shit" stories in the UK media that it can't possibly be that awful!!!!!!!!

I mean, look at this story!!!! According to tha Glasgow Herald, when the Dome closes on Dec 31st, the folks are planning to throw a rave!!!!!! Mind you, the folks in charge of the Dome are not supposed to be that hip to the beat!!!!! So their idea of a "rave" might involve putting on Pink Floyd!!!!!! Still, it would be most amusing if Craig David come on at the same time, and they did a UK Garage version of "Comfortably Numb"!!!!! Imagine the scene: a nice big chunky beat with Craig David going: "Uh... Craig David... Uh, uh.... Bo Selecta!!!! etc" and David Gilmour widdling away on some guitar solo oddessy, with a slightly pained look on his face!!!!!!!!!

I'd certainly go down to London for this!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 24, 2000

Tuesday's ill thought out quote!!!!

If it's true the worlds getting smaller, why do they keep increasing the price of postage? [Because (a) Inflation!!!!! (b) It's not true!!!!! The world isn't literally getting smaller!!!!! That's just a metaphor, you buffoon!!!!!]

Go on a ferry- and write for a newspaper!!!!!!

Those folks in the dead tree media must be getting really desperate!!!!!! Especially now they're got competition from the likes of me!!!!!!

I mean, check this one out!!!!!! John MacLeod, the funny little man from the Western Isles who writes for The Glasgow Herald, has had a reputation of fulminating over some such subject or another in the past!!!!! But he's been rather quiet of late!!!!!! And wot does he write about today?!??!?!?!? "I decide to seize advantage of a rare Glasgow sojourn and visit an old friend."

Who's he talking about?!?!? Only the flippin Renfrew Ferry!!!!!!!! He goes to the ferry, gets on it, then crosses the river, then gets off!!!!!!

Like, wow!!!!!!!! Serious competition for all you diary weblogs there!!!!!!!! How can you compete??!?!?!??!?

Wot a great advert for UK democracy!!!!!!!

U-no, that olde parliament down in Westminster has got some new bloke to bang his gavel and shuffle his wig!!!!! I dunno why he does it tho!!!!!!! But apparently this bloke, who comes from just up the road from me, is the new "Speaker" of the Houses of Parliament!!!!!! Er, hang on, I thought everyone spoke there!!!!!! It would be a bit difficult for the Speaker to a ventriliquoist act with every MP!!!!!!!!! Tho it would explain why everyone there talks so funny!!!!!!!!

Erm, where was I?!?!?!? Oh yes, the Glasgow Herald has been wittering on about the vote for the Speaker being a "farce" and putting Westminster into "disrepute"!!!!!! (!!!!) But that's Nothing compared what I read later in this article...

In traditional style he was dragged to the chair, which he has occupied from time to time since 1997 as a Deputy Speaker. MPs applauded heartily.

U wot??!?!?!? "Dragged" to the chair?!!??!?! On the first day of his new job!??!?!? What sort of state was he in that he had to be "dragged" to the chair?!?!?!?! And MPs actually applauded this!??!?!?!?! And this is supposed to be traditional?!??!??!?!?!?!?!

Blimey!!!!!!!!! If this is the way Parliament works, I don't think they have to be too worried about the voting system bringing them into disrepute!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 23, 2000

Monday's vom-inducingly trite quote!!!!

As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point your way. [Believe me sonny, it would not be as big a pain in the bum as that ultra-cheesy quote!!!!!!!]

The word on tha street: Paul McCartney and Forrest Gump!!!!!!!

Hello!!!!! Have you ever wanted to know what the "buzz" was on tha sttreet?!?!?!?!?! And I'm not talking about the soundtracker here!!!!!!! I'm talking about what's "in" in today's crazy multimedia world!!!!!!!!!

Well, to be honest I'm not!!!!!!! I'm old enough to see the "big picture" and know that fashion is a load of complete and utter bollox!!!!! It doesn't matter whether you're "hip" or not ATM, because even if it isn't whatever you're doing will be fashionable 10-20 years later and everyone will pretend they always thought it was cool, like a bunch of idiot lemmings!!!!!!!

Fume, fume!!!!! Erm, anyway!!!! Here's another reason to avoid "What's In" lists- Yahoo has just started an online version called Buzz, and at the time of writing amongst the Top of Buzz is such hipsters as Paul McCartney and Forrest Gump!!!!!!!! Even more bizzare- the number 1 of number 1s is:

Derek Jeter - leading the Yankees into the battle of New York.


A weed- with sunglassess!!!

Remember the old days before "dumbed down" TV, when kids had prrogrammes with such taxing dialogue as: "Flobalobalob!!!! Weee-eee-eeed!!!!!"!?!??!?!??!

Yes I am of course talking about Bill & Benn The Flowerpot Men!!!!! Apparently, it's getting remade for tha tellybox!!!!!!! Some bloke at the Independent isn't too pleased tho!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies & Gentlemen... The greatest Rock 'n' Roll band in the world... 386 DX / 4Mb RAM / EGA / 40 Mb HD Synchronized text-to-speech and midi synthesis!!!!!

But in future, the likes of Westlife had better watch out!!!!!! Never mind E17, it'll soon be time for 386DX!!!!!!!

As predicted by a story reported in a really ancient issue of this very organ, we're now starting to see computers making rock music, and here's one such "combo" from Russia!!!!!!!!! The music made by MIDI, and the vocals by speach synthesisiser!!!!! Hence the name "386 DX / 4Mb RAM / EGA / 40 Mb HD Synchronized text-to-speech and midi synthesis"!!!!! I can't wait to download their version of Smells Like Teen Spirit!!!!!! But I'll probably have to!!!!!! Because it's on a Russian server!!!!!!!!!

Whilst they're sorting out the server probs, we reckon they should fix their name as well!!!!! Maybe shorten it to:

  • MIDI Magicians!!!!
  • EGAd!!!!!
  • RAMRock!!!!!!!
  • The Virtual Voice Karaoke Experience!!!!
  • AC-PC!!!!!! (Doh!!!!)
  • DX Disco!!!!
  • PCB Popsters!!!!!
  • VGA Videostars!!!!
  • Electric Light Orchestra!!!! (Oh no!!!! Someone's thought of that one!!!!)
  • Electrix!!!!! (Damn, someone's thought of that one as well!!!!)

And even better, they could get some crap Metal Mickey lookalike robot to dance along in their videos!!!!!!!!

Wipe your bottom- on Bill Gates face!!!!!

Have you ever seen some buffon on tha tellybox and thought: "That face would make great toilet paper!!!!!" I know I have!!!!!!! Well, now, thanks to the miracle that is tha w3, you can now do this!!!!! And it's all thanks to ... erm, Carlsberg!!!!!! No, not the squiffy drinks people!!!! Some "grafix inc." (Which is a funny way to spell "graphics" if you ask me!!!!! And their spelling of "ink" is not too hot either!!!!!!)

Woops, where was I!??!?!? Anyway!!!! This lot do custom toilet paper, for which you can supply the "grafix"!!!!! So you can print on them any number of famous faces (Or should be that be "faeces"!??!?! Guffaw guffaw!!!! Wot a wacky off-the-wall person I must be!!!!!) Erm, anyway!!! You can print them on it and stuff...

I was seriously thinking of ordering my own custom made "TP" with the various members of Westlife printed on it, but then I realised that if wiped my "bunghole" with it, I'd probably end up with more crap than when I started!!!!!!!!

Robbie Williams: "Emo"!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!! Obviously Robbie Williams is a bit more broadminded than we gave him credit for!!!!!!!! There's this netWeb siteWeb on some new-fangled grunge/rock/plop guitary stuff called "emo"!!!!!!! On the opening page is a photo of a band called "Still Life"- and look who the lead singer is!!!!!!!!!!

Gary Numan: "Old School"!!!!!!

"Listen: I know without doubt that I am the best artist in the world and have been for the last seven years. Not because my music is the best, but because there's never been any compromise. The only artists who've done that are old school: Bob Dylan, James Brown, Public Enemy and Gary Numan."

At last- recognition for Numan!!!!!!! So, who is this glorious pretender to Gazzas throne?!?! None other than good ol' Tricky in this most interesting interview!!!! He's got some new record out apparently.

Al Gore is paranoid!!!!!

Well, we didn't have any complaints when we linked to a story calling George W Bush a "loser", so we'll probably have no problem with calling Al Gore "paranoid"!!!!!!!

Why?!?!?!? Well, if you take a look at his campaign website... So wot you might roar!!!!!! Well, look at the source code of the webpage, and you get:

Thanks for checking out our source code! I plan to use this space to post special messages to those who are helping to improve our web site -- by making our site the best it can be. The fact that you are peeking behind the
scenes at our site means you can make an important difference to this Internet effort. I'm grateful for your help and support in this campaign. Now let's keep working to build the 21st Century of our dreams!

Al Gore

Crickey!!!!! This dude's so tight on media coverage he's even put his own stuff into the source code of his website!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about flippin' paranoid!!!!!!

A Fart in Paris!!!!!

OK, some of you are wondering what happened to all those wonderful photies I took of my stay in Paris!!!!!!!!!

Well, here they are!!!!! In a wonderful new "special" section called A Fart in Paris!!!!!!!!!!