Thursday, January 25, 2001

Evolution: dead?!??!?!?!

Honestly!!!!! You wonder why all those wacky religious types in the US keep missing the flipping point!!!!! There all this business of them trying to question the teaching of evolution, (As opposed to the entirely scientifically credible scenario of a supernatural entity going "Hey Presto!!!!", and, blammo, there's the universe, or something like that!!!!!!!) when evolution might in fact be dead!!!!!!!

At least, for humans anyway!!!!!! In this spiffy article, it's argued that physically humans have hardly evolved from 50,000 years ago!!!!!!!!! Mind you, it also mentions that some people argue that in terms of brainpower and culture, we're actually evolving at Warp 9!!!!!!!!!!! (Hmmm... That's sounds a little familiar, doesn't it?!??!?!)

No doubt in future, when we'll all be communicating in "XML" through our "PDAs" about the latest data "packets", some idiots will be going around trying to ban the Sinclair ZX81 because it's "un-Godly"!!!!!! But, hey, that's evolution for you!!!!!!!

"A pint of Olaf Tit-bit, please!!!!!!!!"

Apparently some beer called Skullsplitter has won some sort of award!!!!!!!! Wot's more, the name comes from a number of similarly bizzarely named Vikings who in tha olden days maurauded the Orkneys where this beer is made!!!!!!!!!!!

Nowadays, our names tell people nothing. Tony Blair. William Hague. Not like Magnus Bare-legs, Einar Belly-Shaker, Arni-Pinleg, Botof the Stubborn, Halfdan Longleg, Olaf Tit-bit, Sigurd the Fake-Deacon, and all the other crazed characters who limp or slaughter their way through the Orkney sagas.

After this award, I can't wait for the flood of similarly Viking inspired beer names!!!!!! "Bellyshaker" sounds like a good one already!!!!!! Mind you, I dunno if a beer called "Fake Deacon" would be that successful!!!!!!!

Mark Knopfler is a dinosaur- literally!!!!!

Compared to the sorry state of the above gramophones, my purchase of Dire Straits' platter "Brothers In Arms" begins to look a little more palatable!!!!! So it's a jolly odd coincidence to read the following story today... Apparently archaeologists have found out what we all knew for ages: Mark Knopfler, the headband wearing frontman of Dire Straits, is a dinosaur!!!!!! To be exact he's called masiakasaurus knopfleri, and is "about 6ft long with peculiar teeth and jaws"!!!!!!!!

Yes, you guessed it!!!! Some archaelogists found a new dinosaur whilst playing a lot of Dire Straits on their CD-o-gram, and thought it would be a bit of a laff to name it after the venerable widdly guitar maestro!!!!!!

Wow!!!! Wot bunch of wacky cards they must be in Archaeology-land!!!!!!!!

The Worst Records in the World- ever!!!!!

OK, there's not actually not much to write about today, so here's a rant about the worst ever records wot I have purchased- like, with my own money!!!!!
  • "The Enraged Will Inherit The Earth" by McCarthy!!!!!! My second flipping indie purchase, and it was just so dire!!!! The worst late 80s indie musical cliches one can imagine, (jangly guitars, cheap organs, jumpy drums, crap cello+violin on the "thoughtful" songs!!!!) plus hilariously badly written right-on Socialist Worker style cliches!!!!

  • "Manhattan Shuffle" by Landscape!!!! "Wot, like the 'Einstien a Go Go' people?!??!?" I hear you peeps roar!!!!!! Erm, I'm not entirely sure!!!! If they were, they had by this album somehow mutated into some horrible "poppy" early 80s proto-"boy band" with 80s squiggly keyboard sounds, out-of-tune vocals, sub-pub band "tunes", and a "recorded in me shed in a couple of hours!!!!" style production!!!!!

  • Some dreadful "progressive" house record I've never actually bothered to listen to all the way through, and whose name I have (purposefully) forgotten!!!!!! I must admit, I was fooled by this one when I saw this lying in a pile of bargain bin singles in a charity shop!!!! I think it was the "elevate your mind" and "higher plane" type title on the front that led me to think this might be some lost rave anthem!!!! I put it on and was assailed by the type of rubbish that in 1993 made "cheesy hardcore" seem an infinitely better proposition!!!! You know the drill- some inept "progressive" attempt to recapture the glory days of Chicago deep house: loads of piano stabs, terribly weedy string synths (usually doing some sort of high-note "hit" on the bar at the chorus, in the style of Soul II Souls' "Back to Life") and about 3 backing singers attempting a "gospel" style "choir"!!!

    Then the verse begins and the most insipid and melismatic voice ever starts intoning: "Mmmmm..Ahahahaarrggh... Peee-pulllll!!!!! Weee Gotta It Togeh-tha!!! Becaauusse the worrrllld..." (etc. Go on about how bad the world is for the entire flipping verse!!! Now it's time for the chorus...) "Sooo wee gotta get it togethaa-aa-aah!!!! Move yo-ourrr miinnd to a hhiiiggghhheer plaaa-haaiinnn-nn!!!!!!" At which point, I ripped the needle off the record, and put the single back in my collection, right at the top, as a permanent reminder to not be such a plank next time!!!!! (Still, I got U96's ace sicko Belgian hardcore tune "I Wanna Be A Kennedy!" at the same time, so it wasn't all bad!!!!)

A really boring day in history!!!!!!!

Nothing really happened today in history, apparently!!!!!! The only major thing was some bloke called Felix Mendelssohn did some Wedding March chune for Queen Victoria's daughter's wedding in 1858!!!!!!!! Rivetting, huh!!!!!!!

Thursday's slightly "rumpy-pumpy" obsessed cheesee quotee!!!!!

Two's company. Three's the result. [Eh?!?!? Wot if it's two inanimate objects!??!?!? Unless they have Trekky type "replicator" technologoy, I see this scenario as somehow a little unlikely!!!!!! Oh, wait a sec, you're talking about two folks... erm, OK, then!!!!! No, wait, hang on a mo!!!! Wot about if it's two blokes?!?!?!? Or an impotent bloke?!?!??!? Or a sterile woman?!?!??!?! You haven't exactly thought this one out, have you, sonny boy!!!!!!!!]

Wednesday, January 24, 2001

Rave- like a Scientologist!!!!!

This is a bit strange!!!!! Apparently some group connected to the Church of Scientology have gone and ripped off wads of content from some ravey w3site!!!!!!!!!!

Dunno why tho!!!!! Mind you, Scientologists use that "E-Meter" thing, so they possibly could have got a bit confused with ravey culture at some juncture!!!!!! In which case, I woudln't be surprised if John Travolta's working on "Battlefield Earth II", in which Johnny MulletBoy saves the Earth yet again from nasty aliens- by getting a whole load of people into a field and playing loads of "tuff" UK Garage on a "kickin'" sound system!!!!!!!!!!

Like a Virgin- taking it up tha Chocolate Starfish!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!! According to this "analysis" article thingy, there are a lot of strange messed-up young folk in tha US regarding attitudes to rumpy-pumpy!!!!!!! Apparently some blokes think that the virginity of a ladyfriend can be preserved despite rumpy-pumpy, as long as Tommy Todger takes a drive up Chocolate Lane!!!!!! Similarly some young womenfolk think that playing the Lollipop Game isn't exactly having it off either!!!!!!! There's even some more mature folk, whom one would think would know a little better, who further muddy the waters with the concept of a "technical virgin"!!!!!! (Wot, like someone who's new to the wonderful world of computing or suchlike?!??!?! Look you silly dolts!!!!! You've either had it "off" or not!!!!!!! "Technical Virgins"!??!?!?! It's a bit like calling you lot "technical buffoons"!!!!!!!!)

No flipping wonder Bill Clinton said he didn't have "sexual relations" with that Monica Lewinsky!!!! According to the logic displayed above, her playing his One String Bass wasn't exactly doing "it", was it?!?!??!?!

Hello- it's tha Hedghogs!!!!!

U-no, the other day, I went down the old Oxfam shop, and picked up a copy of Not The Nine O'Clock News's spiffy comedy album "Hedgehog Sandwich"!!!!!!!!!! And it made me think: "Why are there no resources on the NetWeb regarding our spiky nocturnal friends??!??" (By which I of course mean hedgehogs, not those young whippersnapper "neds" who hang around the bustop between 7pm and 2am, and whinily brag on in their distinctive nasal twang about how much they were out of their "box" on various substances "the other night" at "Shug's place"!!!!!!!!! Woops, where was I?!?!?!?)

Anyway- I was wrong!!!!! There are hedgehog resources on tha w3!!!!!!! Check out this Usenet Hedgehog FAQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It features such diverse subjects as "Hedgehogs as pets" and "Advanced Topics in Hedgehoggery"!!!!! (Which, actually, when I think on it, sounds a little rude!!!!!!)

In short, you could call it "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Hedgehogs But Were Afraid To Ask In case You Felt A Bit Of A Prick!!!!!!!" (Doh!!!!!!!!!)

SMS = SOS- for tin-pot dictators!!!!!!!!

I bet when you get crap text messages on your mobile telephone like "Hlo will B l8 CU l8r!" type stuffs, you never think: "Hmmmm, I wonder if this message has the potential to topple a ruthless dictator halfway around the world?!?!?"!!!!!!!!!! Well, to be honest, I have!!!!!!! But unfortunately I don't know the mobile phone numbers of any ruthless dictators!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway- here's some enterprising young folk have done just that!!!!!!!!!!!!

It does beg a question tho- if the old revolutionary Soviet flag was a hammer and sickle, will in future we have similarly revolution-themed flags depicting a mobile phone and a tommy gun!!?!??!?!?

Pop down to the Video shop- on tha NetWeb!!!!!!!

Well, OK, this isn't really too much of "Tommorow's World" type thing- I mean you can already order videos on tha w3 already!!!!!!! But one of the first "proper" mmovie studios is now trying to do it with a "rental" system whereby one downloads a film onto one's compute!!!!!!!

So it's like those wacky pirate folk who trade "hooky" movies over tha w3!!!!! Except:
  • It costs money!!!!!
  • You can only play it for 24 hours before it deletes itself!!!!!!
  • The films are usually about half an hour long!!!!!!
In fact, the only similarities are that you spend a long time on tha NetWeb and need wads of megabytes of HD space!!!!!! So I was basically talking crap, really!!!!!!

Anyway, it sounds like this wheeze will do really well, doesn't it?!?!??!?!?!? As long the licensing agreement don't ban you from speaking aloud about the movie to your friends- if you have any!!!!!!!!!

Bush- into tha Country!!!!!!

There seem to an awful lot of "analysis" pieces about the newly appointed El Prez de la US these days!!!!!!!! Consequently there's a bit of competition to see who can come up with the most original observation!!!!!!! So you start seeing levels of wackiness like the one reached in this article!!!!!!!!

The new suit'n'booted President and Nashville are a perfect match. In fact, some of Little George's best-known words and thoughts from the electoral campaign could easily be put to sweeping, pedal-steel accompaniment and turned into country songs: "Don't Misunderestimate Me", "America is Where Our Wings Take Dream" and - surely a country classic in the making - "If You Don't Stand For Anything, You Don't Stand For Anything".


_ot a bunch of _acky _ags!!!!!!!!

_ot do you mean "_hat's going on here you very strange man!??!?"!??!?! _ell, I'm emulating ho_ people in the _hitehouse must be _riting their memos today!!!!!! That's because some really really _acky souls from the outgoing presidency decided to remove all the "_" keys from type_riters before the ne_ prez George _ Bush and his cre_ came in!!!!!! Strangely enough the type_riters haven't been fiddled about _ith in one area of the _hitehouse... The _est _ing!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ripping off the Record!!!!!

Why haven't I heard of this brillibobs site before?!??!?!? It looks like I'm not the only one that's amazed at the (admittedly waning) popularity of Scotlands most popular newpaper, the Daily Record!!!!!! The bloody thing's like an embodiment of the Scottish Cringe in crap tabloid form!!!!!!!!! I certainly would not waste 30p on it, so I'm amazed that slightly less than half a million (and counting...) Scots would do as well!!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyway!!!! Someone has been whiling away his time doing a jolly good Scottish satire mag- cunningly disguised as a (horribly accurate) parody of the Daily Record!!!!!!!!

In the continuing effort to make the First Minister smile, Henry Mcleish was asked yesterday why the chicken crossed the road.

Big Hen insisted that the chicken had in fact hit the ground running and contingency plans were being drawn up in order for it to make a robust contribution to the prosperity of the nation.

See?!?! So, check out the Daily Reckless. Defiantely a better bet than Scotland The Raw anyway!!!!!

The new Manic Street Preachers: Limp Bizkit!!!!!!!

Well, as our UK readers (all 23 of them!!!!!) know, shouty metal beat combo Limp Bizkit are currently nestling at the top spot in our Popular Music charts with their latest gramophone "Rollin'"!!!!!!!!! And already there's a number of young fans writing into TV letters pages about the event!!!!!! And they're mostly not very complimentary!!!!!! In fact, they tend to go along the lines of:

Limp Bizkit have sold out!!!! Their records are now bought by trendy people!!!! Their No. 1 hit proves how they have they turned into a shallow commercialised manufactured pap group catering to mindless robotic vegetable teenybopper sheep who just buy records to fit in rather than listen to real music played with real instruments, and with really meaningful lyrics!!!!! Enjoy your sucess, Judas Durst!!!!! I'll be listening to my "New Acoustic Movement" compilations from now on!!!!!!!

Insane Voice of Meaningfullness

And no, I am not exaggerating!!!!! Well, OK, only a little!!!!! Still, it's most amusing to see people whining about tha Biz "selling out" when at around the same time last year the same band were doing the flipping movie theme tune to Mission Impossible 2!!!!! (And it was a jokey novelty re-working of the really rather ace original MI theme tune!!!!!!!) And it's also interesting to see Limp Bizkit, of all bands, inspiring a generation gap of "new/old" fan emnity that seriously rivals the Manics Street Preachers "old/new" fan battles!!!!!!!!

The Iron Lady: created by Commies!!!!!!

On 24 Jan 1976 some Soviet newspaper called Red Star called Margaret Thatcher the "Iron Lady"!!!!!!!!

Today's rather bizzare idea!!!!!!!

If you don't want to get old, hang yourself when you're young. [Alternatively, just grow old and realise that being young wasn't exactly all it was cracked up to be!!!!!!!!!!!]

Monday, January 22, 2001

Mixing ones metaphors- like a bull in a china shop!!!!!!

Apparently, Scotland has a good reputation for it's education!!!!!! Wot a shame some of our local political folk don't avail themselves of it a bit more!!!!!!! Presumably they are of the opinion, in the sage words of a certain local councillor, that "a leopard cannae change it's horses midstream!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!

Still, you'd expect some enobled gent to at least know a few things about nursery rhymes!!!!!!! According to this story:

"He [Henry MacLeish] has marched us to the top of the hill on this. People would take it remiss if he marched us down again," said Sir Stewart Sutherland

Erm, well, if Mr MacLeish is genuinely being likened to The Grand Old Duke of York, then people would in fact "take it remiss" if he failed to follow in the Duke's footsteps and march down tha hill, only to repeat said up/down manouvere numerous times!!!!! Unless of course Mr MacLeish is not supposed to follow the Duke's example, in which case, the comparision is completely irrelevent, until such time as he were to echo the movements of the Grand Old Duke of York!!!!!! But given that such an eventuality is in the future, then it's a bit of a waste of time, really!!!!! Because... OK, I'll shut up now!!!!!!!!!!

Tony Blair: "a shit"!!!!!!!

And continuing the "feacal" f(th)eme (!!!!) .... Blimey!!!!!!! The Glasgow Herald is getting even more "liberal" in it's use of "direct" language!!!!!! We've already had the "Bullshit Buzzer", now they've dropped the "bull"!!!!!!!! And had it applied to no less a personage than tha PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He told them he thought Blair was a shit, a comment I would find difficult to challenge on the grounds of objective accuracy, but parliamentary language it isn't.

One would thought that young chap William Hague would have picked up on that one!!!!!!! After all, he's used nearly every other possible crap insult!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop light reaching your glasses- by availing yourself of "optical molasses"!!!!!!!

Yikes!!!!!! Some folks have managed to work out how to "stop" light using what they call "optical molasses"!!!!!!!!!!! "It's as if you stretched a silk thread across a railroad track and a train vanishes into it" said some bloke.

U-no, they would have of couse achieved such an objective quicker if they had followed my suggestions from an old ish of SC!!!!!!! And it would have been less expensive!!!!! Instead of using an expensive physics experiment, they could have just got Bob The Builder in!!!!!!!

Brit Poop, more like!!!!!! (!!!)

Thanks to those jolly nice peeps at "New York, London, Paris, Munich", I have been alerted to this one!!!!! Some music w3zine called "Dancing About Architecture" (As in the famous statement that to the effect that writing about about music is akin to dancing about architecture, which makes one wonder why these folks named their music writing zine thusly!!!!!!! I mean, one might as well call it "Completely pointless!!!!!!" or "We're Crap!!!!!!!!!!"!!!!!! Er, where was I again?!?!??!?! Oh yes!!!!!)

These folks at the bizzarely named NetWebPub (!!!!!!!) have come up with a rather amusing "British" themed zine!!!!! Actually, it's a nice idea, given the current US dominance of UK pop media (ie if a band get 10 number 1s in the UK, but only one top 10 in US, don't expect them to get a nice write-up in VH1's "Behind The Music"!!!!!) but look at the flippin' CD revoo section, which includes such hot tips as Coldplay and The Beautiful South!!!!!!!!!! I mean, haven't these folks even heard of Gilbert O'Sullivan!??!?!??!!

Juvenille deliquents = Vampires!!!!!!!

I've been having a look at my calender to see if I've fallen alseep for a couple of months, and inadvertedly woken up on April 1st!!!!!!!!!!!

Why?!?? Well, read this, and no doubt you'll be put in the same "time-warp" delusion mode!!!!!!! Apparently one of the world's most famous comic writers, a young Scottish chap by the name of Mark Millar, is creating a new tellybox series for Channel 4!!!!!!!!!!!

So wot, you might moan!!!!!!! Well, check this out for the idea behind the series: young ruffians living on a housing estate in Coatbridge- (just outside Glasgow, Scotland for all you folks in other regions!!!!) who are vampires!!!!!!! It's billed as a kind of "Buffy meets Trainspotting"!!!!!!!! And it's called... "Neds"!!!!!!!!!!!

US President Causes Massive Tectonic Plate Shift!!!!!!

This might be the last Senior Citizen ever!!!!!! Because I might be drowned tonight!!!!!! Why?!?!?! Well, I'm expecting a rather massive tidal wave to be sweeping around the world, eventually reaching our shores and submerging everything in sight!!!!!!!!!

Hmmmmm!!!!! So you wonder what would cause such a calamitous event?!?!! Well, it appears the United States of America has shifted massively West-ward!!!!!!! In an otherwise run-of-the-mill article about George "Dubya" (Some nice young man told me that "Dubya" was "Texan for 'reformed cokehead' "- but I could be wrong!!!!!!! And, while we're on the subject, what exactly is wrong with drinking Coca-Cola anyway?!?!?) Bush, there is contained within a sentence of extraordinary ramifications for humankind!!!!!!!!!!

The day Bush was sworn in, the Atlantic doubled in width.

Errr... This tidal wave does seem to be taking it's time tho!!!!!! Still- enough time to finish of a couple more stories!!!!!! Great, huh!!!!!!!

So much for "dour" Scots!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!! Apparently us Scots are not a bunch of humourless cretins after all!!! According to some survey, we were the the happiest folks in the UK last year!!!!!!!!

Next they'll be finding out we don't all wear kilts all the time or venture out of our "crofts" to go running around the "glens" and "lochs" shooting "haggis"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The Goon Show started today in 1952!!!!!!!!!! Apparently it was really good!!!!!!!! Unfortunately I was at the "ballroom dancing" when it was on!!!!!!!!

Monday's "Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before!!!" Quote!!!!

"Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewellery."
- John Lennon [Cripes!!! That one keeps coming back more often than yet another flipping Beatles compilation!!!!!!!!!]