Swimming- in simulated snot!!!!!

Hello peeps!!!!! Have you ever coughed some phlegm up, and then wondered what it would be like to swim in it?!?!?!?!? I know I haven't!!!!!!! But this lot have!!!!!!!!! They've stuck some "special ingredient" called Guar (So called presumably because it has the same consistency as fresh birdy-doo-dahs!!!!!!!!) into a University of Minnesota swimming pool to make the water more "gloopy", then swam around in it to see what it was like!!!!!!!! Dunno why tho!!!!!!! And they don't know either!!!!! But apparently it's "a lot more fun than casting membranes"!!!!!!!! Which to be honest, might mean the same as "a lot more fun than inserting a cruise missle up one's rectum" as far as I know!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chip on shoulder about chips on shoulders- about chips!!!!!

Now some of you might be dimly aware that with the crap weather and crap diet, all us Scottish folk are supposed to be dropping dead of heart attacks all the time!!!!!! Which is news to me I can tell you!!!!!! If I have dropped dead in the recent past I would certainly know about it!!!!!!!! So it's a nice breath of fresh air to read this article by some bloke, which also scores highly by declaring this previously unsaid truism:

Scotland's stony fields are in fact, particularly suited to growing turnips. People from other countries may wish for a clean tomato salad; dream longingly of freshly-picked mushrooms; yearn for Russian cabbage or sharp green peppers. Nobody in the history of the world has ever, ever thought, "What I really want tonight is a big plate of mashed spew" - which is what turnips taste of.

Give this gentleman a knighthood, I say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Straight Outta Westminster!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!!!! When I was a young man I didn't expect to hear of politicians cutting a hit record!!!!!!! But that's mainly because the gramphone didn't exist then!!!!! Which is a shame really, because I would have really liked to hear "The Sir Robert Peel Hot Five Go Beat Crazy!!!!!!" or "Benjamin Disraeli Hangs Loose!!!!!!"!!!!!!! But even in tha 60s, when everyone was supposed to be taking off all their clothes and smoking funny cigarettes, you wouldn't have heard of "The Sir Alec Douglas-Hume Jazz Explosion!!!!!" or "Harold Wilson Gets Funky!!!!!"!!!!!!!! In fact, the nearest we got was the Ted Heath Band, and that didn't even feature the real Ted Heath, but some bloke with the same name!!!!!! Talk about a swizz!!!!!!!!!!

So it's definately a bit of a shock to hear ancient Parliamentarian (By which I mean an old bloke wot was an MP!!!!!!! And not a former member of an influential funk band as you may think!!!!!) Tony Benn is now considered a rappy chappy!!!!!! At least according to this fabby webby sitey by CBM International, who are clearly down on their luck since people stopped buying their Amigas!!!!!!!!! "Tony Benn's Greatest Hits is a compilation album of memorable speeches delivered by one of the greatest orators of our time, set to music composed by a 21st century maestro." says some bloke. But they don't say which one is the bloke formerly known as Anthony Wedgewood-Benn!!!! For all we know, he might be a "21st century maestro", and all those speeches he made were complete and utter crap!!!!!!!!!!

So, sort it out el pronto, you buffoons!!!

Hip-hop: minus the foreskins!!!!!

Well, tha megamighty UK rap scene has already brought us the genius of MC Pitman, so it's about time the US caught up instead of giving us all the usual angry rappy chappies who go on about going to a club, drinking a lot of expensive alcoholic beverages, smoking a few "Jazz cigarettes", getting in a fight over who is biggest in the trouser department, then copping off with some female of the fairer sex!!!!!!!! Sounds like an average night down my local pub if you ask me!!!!!!!!!

Erm, where was I?!??!? Oh yes, the new trend in the US apppears to be: Jewish Hip-hop!!!!!!! Apparently, it's like ordinary hip-hop except it's not anti-semitec!!!!!!! Anyway, here's three new ones from this burgeoning new avenue of musical expression!!!!

• 50 Shekel!!!!!!!!
• Solomon & Socalled!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Two Live Jews!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I'm not entirely sure, but the last one may be a "joke" act!!!!!!!!!!

Hold ya mouf- about tha (Beautiful) Souf!!!!!

U-no, I've been occasionally gabbing away on the boards!!!!!! By which I of course mean conversing on the internet, not vomiting profusely on stage!!!!! And today I notice there's some discussion about "Defending the Indefensible: The Beautiful South"!!!!!!!! Which refers to the apparently impossible task of saying nice things about the popular music band of that nomenclature, not a strategy to defend The Channels Islands from The Germans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyway!!!!! Some folks were saying that some "ironic" combo called Black Box Recorder are like "The Beautiful South with cred" Hmmm!!!!! Does that make The BS (!!!!!!) the Black Box Recorder with decent tunes??!?! :) I dunno exactly what's "indefensible" about the South, as opposed to, say, Savage Garden or some other vaguely innoffensive middle of the road popuplar beat combo!!!!! I wouldn't exactly want to buy their albums, but I have to admit, they're a pretty decent singles band!!!!! In fact they're probably one of those band who in future will sell their "Ultimate Greatest Hits!!!!" type album with adverts that go "You may know more of their songs than you think you do!!!!" type voiceovers like they did with Crowded House compils and so on. I mean anyone remember:

• Song For Whoever?!?!
• Old Red Eyes Is Back?!??!?!
• A Little Time!??!?! (Which I think is pretty underrated, you know!!!! Espcially since it inched all the way to the top of the brit hit parade!!!!)
• Rotterdam!??!?!
• Don't Marry Her?!?!?!
• Even Perfect 10 is not too bad either!!!!!!

OK, they're not exactly the Jesus and Mary Chain, but their acheivement in the singles department certainly beats that of the Nolan Sisters, and I don't see no Nolan-hataz on tha NetWeb, so "Don't Make Waves" with the South!!!!!!!!

Call Stella- in a Polish accent!!!!!

Please call Stella. Ask her to bring these things with her from the store: Six spoons of fresh snow peas, five thick slabs of blue cheese, and maybe a snack for her brother Bob. We also need a small plastic snake and a big toy frog for the kids. She can scoop these things into three red bags, and we will go meet her Wednesday at the train station.

Hello peeps!!!! Have you ever wanted to hear the above in an Uzbekistan accent??!?!?! I know I have!!!!! Well now you can thanks to the wonders of tha megamighty super-broadband inpho-pipe webby thingy!!!!!!! Check out this spiffy w3sitey!!!!! It's called the "Speech accent archive", and it's got the above paragraph in 46 squillion accents!!!!!! (Er, well, actually, it's 264, but it seems like more!!!!) There's even an example from some bloke from Glasgow, Scotland, which is not too far from Sunny Milton, where I have my domicle!!!!!! (By which I of course mean my house, not an S&M dungeon as you may think!!!!!!) Tho, I'm surprised the young man talks like he comes from River City!!!!! For some extraordinary reason, they've missed out the unique accents of those young ruffians known as "Neds"!!!!!!! However, let Senior Citizen come to the rescue!!!!! Read the following paragraph through your nose in a medium-pitched whine to recreate the authentic Ned accent!!!!!!

Ehhhh.... Awwwrite, big mahhn!!!!!! Gawnee caww Shenga!!!!! Get hur to bring sum hings wi hur fae thi shoaps: baga peas, shum pure honkin cheese, and get shumpthin oot thi chippy fir hur brither Boab!!!! Also get tha Playstation oot for thi weansh!!! She can stickem in thae rid bags, and will get hur Wednesday comin at thi stashun oaf tha train!!!!!!!!!! Know wit am seyyyinh, biiig maaaaannn?!?!?!

Fear destiny's freedom? Don't want my memory!

• Don't give from your scene!
• Refresh quality? So, the today enjoys best.
• Gift lives super. Try your Friday to your sensation!
• Please refresh today to quality! Gift's sport introduces good for this again dream.
• My spring's scene is good of this style.
• Hope wonders cool.
• Friend loves giving. Worry that gift?
• Want! Hope's friend enjoys essential because of this quality.
• Don't refresh sad team! Freedom excites red with memory.
• The loving Tuesday tries styleful because of that vigor.
• Time enjoys super for my destiny. Quality?
• Don't take! So, team's heart?
• Love the special winter? Please wonder for my memory!
• This partyful spring wonders essential to vigor.
• Fun gives beautiful.
• That time loves pleasant with my sport's Monday.

If the idea of a jolly little Perl script automatically generating all of the above "Engrish" phrases is one wot floats your boat, then no doubt you will be rather enamoured by this webby sitey!!!!!!!!

What a load of pants!!!!!

Have you ever been into a bit of DIY!?!??! By which I of course mean making and fixing things yourself, not "playing the one-string bass" as you may think!!!!!!! Well, this w3sitey may be right up your alley!!!! Or it may not!!!!!! Because it's not actually about something you do with your tools!!!!!! In fact, it's a load of pants!!!!!! Literally!!!!! (Almost!!!!!)

Yes, we are of course referring to the sort of pants wot Sharon Stone does not wear!!!!! Which is a shame, because it would be probably be more interesting if she crossed her legs in that cineo-gram picture and you saw this!!!!! Well, know you know how to make it courtesy of tha megamighty supey-dupey w3 InfoPipe sitey here courtesy of some young chap from Japan!!!!! Which probably explains why there's a lot of stuff about sexy panties for female girls of the opposite gender!!!!!!!!!!!