Apres Holiday Cheesy Quote Fest!!!!!

Seeing as I've been away for almost a week, I've missed out a lot of the quotes from my calender!!!!!! So here's all the ones I missed!!!!!!!

Hold your seats!!!!!!

Plenty in the purse cannot prevent starvation in the soul. [But plenty in the purse is pretty handy when buying drinks in Paris!!!!!]

Retirement can be a great joy if you can figure out how to spend time woithout spending money. [Tell me about it!!!!! In fact, tell flippin' Gordon Brown about it- please!!!!!!!!]

It is what we value- not what we have- that makes us rich. [Explain Bill Gates then!!!!!!]

Many a parent sighs for the 'good old days' when a stocking could hold what a child wanted for Christmas. [So?!?!?!? This isn't the 1920s you know!!!!!!! Anyway, it would need to be a pretty tiny stocking that couldn't be filled by a flippin' Pokemon toy, or some such lark!!!!]

If it's a crime to be poor, then there must be a lot of people who have broken out of goal. [What is this- Money Moany Minnies Week?!??!? Think you know about being poor!??!?!? Ha!!!!! You young whippersnappers don't know you're born!!!!!!!!! I remember when having a colour telly was a luxury, you know!!!!!!!]

The best thing about the 'good old days' is that they're gone forever. [At last, some sense!!!!!!! Adapt or die, you idiots!!!! (Well, OK, strictly speaking, you adapt then die- eventually!!!!! Unless of course you are immortal.) OK then, scratch, the "die" part- just adapt!!!!!!!!)

Radiohead up the Rectum!!!!!!

Some of you might have possibly formed the impression, inside that lump of grey matter situated inside your cranium, that Radiohead's latest gramophone "Kid A" might be a gigantic left-field leap up the brown-eye!!!!!!!!!

Well, if so, this review won't exactly change your opinion, I think!!!!

US VH-1 viewers are idiots!!!!!

You might think I'm being a bit strong there!!!!!! But you'll be saying something similar when you read this story about VH-1's "100 Greatest" dance records!!!!!! Guess wot- Number 1 is flippin' Gloria Gaynor with "I Will Survive"!!!!! Which is more than I would wish on that crappy "record"!!!!!! And number 4- "Vogue" by Madonna!??!?!?!?!?

What are these people on?!?!?!??!?!

Lamacq- attack!!!!!!

Trendy BBC Radio 1 indie DJ Steve Lamacq might have wrote:

Well it was just another day at the Evening Session studios. After my brilliant show - featuring Bumhole in session - finished I went off to The Arrogant Bastard in Camden to see MFI Kitchen Sluts in concert - they were fantabulouso. They came off stage at 9pm - so I took a Sinclair C6/B Electric Unicycle Zike up the road to the The Westlife & Satan where The James Joyce Brain Tumour Explosion were playing a really low-key gig. They were scorching! I ambled home humming "Grandad" by Clive Dunn and set to work on my 25,000 word Molly Half-Head retrospective. By the time it was finished 34 minutes later it was only 60,001 words long, so I was happy! I set my alarm clock - which plays "System Addict" by Five Star when it goes off - and fell asleep dreaming of Daphne & Celeste. I love my job.

Well, not really!!!!!! But you can make him say something similar at this fabby w3site!!!!!!!

Old Fart is back- in Glasgow!!!!!!!

OK, I'm back in my humble domicle now!!!!! I'll stick my holiday snaps down tha chemist now!!!!!! (I'll bet they'll have never seen so many crappy "fun cameras" in one place!!!!!!!) And if I get my scanner working, I'll add some of the piccies to this site so you can see wot the "funk" I've been talking about for the past few days!!!!!!!

Old Fart a Paris- Vendredi!!!!!!!

(Cliquez pour les photies!!!!)

There's some dreadfully insipid jazz playing on tha CD-o-gram in the hostel ATM, and it's just putting me in the right mood to tell you about my trip this morning to the modern arrt emporium that is the Pompidou Centre- given that it was actually open this morning!!!!!!!

Well, it took bloody ages to queue to get in the front door, and then there was another queue to get a ticket!!!!!!! It was almost as bad as the Louvre!!!!!!!! Only it was much more "postmodern"!!!!!!!!!!! Well, after I finally got a ticket, I travelled up the famous "escalator on the outside" part of the centre until I arrived at the museum of Modern Art- which actually had more than 2 flippin' Picasso paintings in it!!!!!!!!! The squillions of Picasso and Jackson Pollocks were good, but even more interesting was the old Hi-Fis from the 1960s, which are apparently design classics!!!!!!!! Ho ho!!!!! Those art buffs should see my old radiogram then!!!!!!!!!!!

There was also a lot of architectural models of apparently famous buildings, which were most amusing!!!!!!! I'd love to see the faces of the people who use these unsafe looking structures when they fall down to the ground!!!!!!!!!

Afterwards, I decided to try one of those "waffle" thingies I saw in some of those cafes!!! Very nice- it wasn't potato based, but more like a pancake in a funny shape!!!!! I also had a good laugh when I was sitting outside in the nearby square eating it, and throwing bits to the pidgeons, and misdirecting them all over the place!!!! Well, it was a hoot until a huge cloud of them flew out of nowhere a la "The Birds", divebombing at my waffle!!!!!!! Luckily I jumped out of the way at just the right time, and they all went splat on the ground!!!!! After picking myself off the ground after I feel over in a fit of guffaws, I made my way tha Metro!!!!!

All this talk of unsafe buildings gave me a mind to try one really unsafe looking building I saw yesterday!!!! La Defense arch!!!!! This time I was able to get on the lift to the top!!!!!

I must admit my poor heart was given a bit of a jolt on the epic journey!!!!!!! The Effeil Tower lift-to-the-top was pretty unimpressive compared to this!!!!!! One could then get out the top and take a look at Paris!!!! Unfortunately it was just starting to rain and you couldn't see much because it was "dreich" (As we say in "Ecosse"!!!!!!)!!!!! Harumph!!!!!!

There was an internet machine on the top, but unfortunately (a) it had a French keyboard!!!! (b) it was crap!!!!!! And so I left!!!!!!!

Well, that's almost it from me from France!!!! See you in the UK tomorow!!!!!!!

Old Fart a Paris- Mardi!!!!! (part deux)

(Cliquez pour les photies!!!!)

OK, I'm back on now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, quietly making my excuses and leaving the Effiel Tower, I went along the Seine to the Museum of Modern Art!!!!! Why, you might be bawling, are you going to see a load of arty-farty shit!!!!!!!! Well, there's some Picasso stuffs there, and he's (or was!!!!) a grumpy old man, just like me!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, there wasn't too much of his stuff!!!!!! Mind you, there was an interesting video projection "installation" with 3 different films of the same play- in French, English and German!!!!!!! The French one was completely different to the other two, but the German version was exactly the same as the English version, but 2 minutes behind!!!!!!!!! If you spoke both English and German, you could guess exactly what the folks in the German versh were about to say!!!!!!! There was also some dog hanging around outside the museum for no apparent reason!!!!!

Disappointed with lack of Picasso, I decided to go to the Pompidou Centre, presumably so called because it houses a lot of pompous art "do"s!!!!!!! It looks pretty impressive- like a big shoebox covered with lots of multicoloured pipes!!!!!!! Unfortunately it was shut!!!!!!! Harumph!!!!!!!!!

I sat down to have a nice beer in a cafe nearby in Igor Stravinsky square- named after another grumpy old man like me!!!! I asked for what I thought was a 40cl ("Quarante"!!!!!!) measure of beer- unfortunately I asked for "Quatorze" (14cl in French!!!!!!!), and was most disappointed with the results!!!!!!!!

After talking with some young whippersnappers last night, I was recommended to go to a strange place I would not normally go!!!!! OK, how does this grab you: cheap food, music you can listen to on headphones, leather seats, and you can get a good beer with your meal..... Wot is this place!??!?!? Only flippin' MacDonalds on the Champs Elysees!!!!! No wonder this "restaurant" is hidden underground in a shopping mall!!!!!!

Next on my whirlwind tour was Notre Dame!!!!!!! Wot a flippin' disappointment!!!!! A big church, basically!!!!! I had much more enjoyment afterwards when I was walking along the Seine, waving at the folks in the tourist boats sailing along, then mooning at them when they waved back!!!!!!!

After another bit of lubrication at another cafe, I decided to take a trip to some big place called "La Defence". When I emerged from the Metro there, it was like I had been transported to another planet!!!!!!! There were space aged skyscrapers everywhere, and in the middle was a massive square arch composed of two tower blocks with another on it's side, plonked on top, connecting the two!!!!!! And there's a few lifts down to the ground suspended from the top!!!! There's some "Imax" cinema nearby, but apart from that, it was a bloody boring place!!!!!!!! I couldn't even get onto the lift to the top of the arch, as it was shut!!!!!! The only interesting bit was that you could look down the hill and see the Arc de Triomphe!!!!!!

I went back to the hostel eventually, and found my feet had expanded by 200% in size!!!!!! Eek!!!!!

Old Fart a Paris- Mardi!!!!!!!

(Cliquez pour les photies!!!!)

Right!!!!!!!! This was a really busy day!!!!!!!!

First of all, I decided to actually go all the way to the top of the Effeil Tower thingy to see if this lark is all that it's cracked up to be!!!!! I originally wanted to walk to it from my suloubrious backpackers hostel, but got bored and took the Metro, after seeing too many "boucheries" with "cheveaux" in the window!!!!!!

I am proud to say that despite my age and infirmity, I managed to walk up to the first and second levels using the stairs in order to save money!!!!!!! I still had to take the lift up to the top tho!!!! So I got up there and looked out- and it was a bit boring!!!!!!! The only interesting bit was that someone was flying a hot air balloon over the city for some reason!!!!!!! Unfortunately the guards stopped me before I could shoot at it with my blunderbuss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erm... I'm running out of time on tha NetWeb connection!!!!!!!!!! More laters!!!!!!!!

Old Fart a Paris- Part Deux!!!!!

(Cliquez pour les photies!!!!)

Well, I had a good ol natter with the various folks at the hostel about the good ol' days last night!!!!!! But today I decided to go and laugh at some dead people!!!!!!!!!! There's this rather large place called the Pere Lachaise cemetary, with loads of them!!!! So wot you might think, but a few of them really got on my wick!!!!! For example, Jim Morisson, wot an overrated twat!!!! Oscar Wilde- not as smart as he thinks he is (or was!!!!)!!!! Moleiere, you may be the French Shakespeare, but you really got up my left nostril!!!!!! I knew you'd rue the day you crossed me!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem anyway!!!!! After that I went to The Louvre. I was advised to enter from the Metro via some underground shopping mall to avoid massive queues!!!! Which is unfortunate, as it meant I didn't see how bloody big the thing actually was!!!! It's an entire flippin' royal palace stuffed full of artistic stuffs!!! I took me half an hour to find the flippin' Mona Lisa!!!! Then another half hour to fight my way past the crowds to actually see it!!!!! Then I went along to see the Venus de Milo, and two hours later found myself lost in the 18th Century Dutch paintings section!!!!!

When I eventually found a way out, I sat down at one of those nice Cafes with a cool beer!!!! Ah, this is the life!!!! Unfortunately, it wasn't the only cold thing- so was the flipping weather!!!!!! I had to fight to keep onto my walking stick in the face of the icy arctic galeforce winds!!!!!!!! (OK, they weren't actually that bad, but you get the idea!!!!!)

Then I went to the Sacre Couer!!!! Another gigantic hill to climb!!!!!! When I puffed my way to the top, I then found there was actually a small lift up!!!!!!!! Harumph!!!!!!!!!!

Old Fart does Paris!!!! Day 1!!!

(Cliquez pour les photies!!!!)

Bonjour mes enfants!!!!!!!!!!!!! (That means "Hello you young whippersnappers!!!!!!!!!") I just popped out after writing the above stuffs and decided to see what this Champs Elysees lark is all about!!!!!!! So I jumped on a Metro train!!!! Well, not literally, obviously!!!!!! That would be pretty dim!!!!!!!

I arrived in "L'Etoile", which is this bloody big roundabout with the Arc de Triomphe plonked in the middle of it!!!!! After some lubrication at a nice looking bar, I ventured up the arc thingy staircase- it was free today!!!!! Normally it costs XX FF, which is probably what I would have been saying if I was asked to pay to go up that bloody great big staircase!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, nice view and all that, but it looked a bit puny next to the Effiel Tower- so I went down there!!!!! Unfortunately you have to pay loadsamoney to get in a lift!!!! And there's loads of people waiting for them!!!!! So, it was up the stairs again!!!!!!!!! Harumph!!!! Paris isn't a city for old folks!!!!!

Even worse, to get up to the top, you have to take a lift anyway, as there isn't any stairs!!!!!!! So I decided to do that another day!!!! And so, after briefly pausing to kick some crap mime artist up the "derriere", I left!!!!!!!

Now I'm off to tha pub!!!!!!

I'm on holiday!!!!!

In Paris!!!!!!!

(Cliquez pour les photies!!!!)

Bet you didn't expect that one!!!!!!!! Well, to be honest, neither did I!!!!!!!! But I got this el-cheapo flight on tha aeroplane so I'm here in Paris typing this crap!!!!!!!!!!! I dunno wot I'm doing yet, but I'll no doubt go to a few "famous places", and talk to the French- in French!!!!!!!!! Of course I can talk French!!!!!!! Check this out- un, deux, trois... Bonjour!!!!!!! See?!?!?!??!?!?!?

More later!!!! If I'm not to drunk to type, that is!!!!!!!