Friday, September 07, 2001

Hey!!! It was Steven Wright, apparently!!!

Megathanx to Diana who emailed to say that the mysterious quote apparently from a stand-up comedian, actually probably was from a stand-up comedian!!! And the comedian was probably the very wonderful Steven Wright!!!! Not to be confused with the very wonderful Steve Wright In The Afternoon of course.

Tuesday, September 04, 2001

How to watch TV- be an idiot!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!!!! Even the folks in US-land are getting a bit hot under the collar about tha tellybox!!!!!!!! Accordingly to this angry young man, to watch the Tube (By which we of course mean tha Tellybox, not the ancient 80s beat music show on Channel Four!!!!!!!!!!!!), one must:
  • Have an extremely short term memory!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Believe everything one sees on tha tellybox!!!!!
  • Ignore the ads!!!!!!!!!!!!! (?!?!?!? Isn't that a bit off-putting to advertisers!??!?!?)

Well, OK, you might bawl, that was hardly rocket science!!!!!!!!! And maybe that is exactly the point!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe the writer's watched too much telly!!!!!

Miney- from tha Big Briney!!!!

In the meantime!!!! While you're looking out to sea, waiting for tha big tsumaiamaini to give New York a thorough wash-up, what you might not know is that the mass of liquid H20 in which your eyeballz are trained is might be signposted "Warning!!! Extreme Ocean Mining Ocean No. 3!!!!!" in future!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's all thanks to a "lovely" bloke- literally!!!!!!!

Now I bet you didn't you know this, but when you go to Bridlington, Whitby or Skegness, apparently when you take a paddle (or piddle, as I sometimes do!!!!!!!!!!!) in tha big blue (By which I of course mean, the sea, not IBM!!!!!!!!!!!) that there could be molecules of dissolved gold under yur toenails!!!!! This is because the dissolved versh of the valuable yellow shiny stuff (Gold, not sulphur as you may think!!!!!!!!!!) is apparently readily available in tha big C- in dissolved form!!!!!!!! And the only reason Scarborough still looks like a dump, and not like Las Vegas, is that it's a bit hard to convert the dissolved versh into the non-dissolved versh wot you put in your lovley trinkets!!!!!!!

Until now that is!!!!!!!! A Umich Prof with the wonderful name Derek Lovley has found microbacteria called Extremophiles which can turn dissolved gold into solid gold!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately it's early days, and "Lovley says the process isn't efficient enough to interest jewelry makers, since it would take about a million microbes to generate a gram of solid gold dust."!!!!!!!! Erm, like, why not just use a million of them then!??!?!! It's not as though they're going to take up too much space, is it!??!?!?! Unless of course, they're as big as Norman Tebbit!!!!!!!!

Another reason to chuck your tellybox out tha window!!!!!!!

I don't believe this!!!!!!!!! OK, fair enough, Johnny Vaughn was probably the best presenter of UK TV CH4's "Big Breakfast" proggy- on tha tellybox!!!!!!! (Which is quickly scrabbling back to it's original format after a disasterous revamp!!!!!) But why someone has thought he'd be really great trying his hand at sitcoms is anyone's guess!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even worse, ITV seem to have got into their heads that what viewers really want is yet another bloody costume drama based on one of DIcken's tomes!!!!!!! In this case, it's Mr Micawber, from the Pickwick Papers, but it's virtually guaranteed to be some hammily acted overcooked costume disaster!!!!!!!!!!

The way things are going, it's not like one has to worry about the quality of digital telly these days, as the analogue stuffs seems to even worse!!!!!!!

Newsflash: you can cheat in web votes!!!!

Interestingly, the above article advances the interesting the UK indie shies away from reality, whilst US pop embraces it!!!!! So no doubt, the young whippersnapper Harris will be a bit miffed to learn that a certain MTV show might not exactly be following reality!!!!! It seems that certain miscreants at Interscope, record label to shouty metal beat combo Limp Bizkit and angry rappy chappy Eminimeinimeineimeininem, have been sending missives on their NetWeb MailyList to the effect that one should vote for their combos as much as poss on MTV's Total Request Live w3site!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!! Next, they'll be telling me some record companies pay good money to make DJ peeps play their latest gramophones on tha radiogram!!!!!!!!!!! Is nothing sacred?!?!??!?!?

Newsflash from US musinewsyhack- Britpop is crap!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, only about 4 years after muso journos over in the UK suddenly decided that Britpop wasn't all that up to much, a similar attitude seems to have been imported to tha US along with the latest UK Garage compil!!!!!!!! And like Wycliff Jean's rather clunky recent attempt at UK Garage, it's got a rather US-ian spin on it- to wit: "UK invasion" style-hype stories are complete crap!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially with the current acts being hyped as "Britpop", like Coldplay, Travis, David Gray (?!?!?), and erm, The Corrs (!??!?!? I'm surprised they didn't stick Boyzone and Westlife in for a laugh as well!!!!!!!!!!!)

Well, so bloody wot, you might say!!!!! Over here in the UK, we're well aware that the aforementioned bands are a bit tepid to say the least!!!!! And most of these "British Invasion" type stories are complete crap anyway, usually written by bored writers on either side of "The Pond" (A funny name for an ocean sized gap, given that it's generally bigger than your average horticultural water puddle!!!!) who wish they could have seen The Beatles at Shea Stadium!!!!!!

Apparently tho, this is really important, because hip 'n' trendy US maggy Spin says it's important, and we all know how important it is if Spin says it's important!!!!!!! The other important thing is that is by Keith Harris, who seems to be a rather narky man these days!!!!!! Also, he rather amusingly notes that the UK's "chief cultural exports over the past decade include the Spice Girls and the Teletubbies", forgetting to mention his artistic contribution to the previous decade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Also, a bit much, considering the amount of hyping The Strokes and Michael Jackson are getting over here!!!!!!) Actually, some of his critisms of the acts concerned are pretty fair- it's when he starts applying his slagoffs of the UK Indie scene to the entirety of UK culture that it really starts becoming amusing!!!!!!!!!!! (Mind you, if he tried to aim at just UK pop, he might have a point!!!!)

As per flipping usual, it dengerates into blinkered US/UK musinewsy hack in-fighting, as though the entire world seems to revolve around the usual tepid guitar band bollox!!! Don't expect anything about the increasing links between US and UK r'n'b/garage styles!!!!!!!! Nearly every big US rap/r'n'b act seems to be sticking some uptempo d'n'b/garage flavoured tune on their albums these days, and many of the newer producers are starting to put sounds reminiscent of the 90s Euro techno-hardcore stuffs used on early jungle tracks. Timbaland seems to be putting bleep 'n' bass elements on nearly all his tracks these days, not to mention a rather blatant "Dominator" style Beltram Hoover blast on Aaliyah's last single!!!!! And even Wyclef Jean has done a UK Garage powered single, for flips sake!!!!!!!!! OK, it's a bit clunky, (in the sense that the surface of the sun is a little warmish!!!) but at least he's made the effort!!!!!! And that's even before we get to UK acts like Craig David and So Solid Crew, who are actively pursuing the US market....

In the other direction, nearly every US rap/r'n'b single hitting the UK gets a UK Garage remix- in case of some rap tracks, the remix is actually an improvement over the original!!!!!!!! In fact, the idea of rap + UK Garage is already becoming popular in the underground, and is coinciding with a perceived "coming of age" of UK based rap, so there might be an "invasion" yet- just don't expect Spin to cover until they play guitars, paint their faces white and sound like the feckin Bootleg Beatles!!!!!!

If you ask me, those US folks should be grateful that we even gave them skiffle!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like a real Eastenders fan, eh!!!!!!!!!

"I am not the only person to question the wisdom of the BBC's decision to put EastEnders on three times a week." says the Guardian's on-the-ball TV "correspondant" Charlotte Raven!!!!!!!!!

Erm, I'm not entirely sure about that!!!!!!! In fact, most people would be questioning the wisdom of the popular BBC soap expanding to four days a week from it's existing format of three a week, which is what it's been doing for flipping yonks!!!!!!!!

Wot next!??!?! "I'm sure I'm not the only person to question whether this new fangled CD thingy will ever become as popular as 8-tracks cartidges!!!!!!"?!??!?!?!?

Mysterious unattributed quote day!!!!!!!

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. [Inclusing presumably the person who knew which stand-up comic did this little jape?!??!?!]

The Forth Bridge!!!!!!

Did U know tha Forth Road Bridge, that big suspsension bridge over some Scottish river next to the huge exoskeleton that is the Forth Rail Bridge, wot featured in Hitchcock's "39 Nine Steps", was opened today in 1964 by Her Majesty!!!!!!!! (By which I mean of course The Queen, not Prince Florian Wolfgang Von Stusselhauffen IV as you may think!!!!!!!) And anyway what happened to the other three road and rail bridges!?!??!?!