Friday, December 29, 2000

Final quote of 2000!!!!!

Times arrow points fast-forward to the new Millenium. [?!!?!?!? And... ?!?!??!?! It's a bit like saying "Time points to it raining in 3:04"!!!!! It either does or it doesn't!!!!!!! Hardly wot, I'd call a piece of "wisdom"!!!!!!!!! I hope next years quotes are better than this!!!!!!!!!!]

Happy New Year, everyone!!!!!!!!

Predictions are a load of crap!!!!!!!!!

Well, wot wiv 2001 just 2 days away, all the usual boring gits are crawling out of the woodwork using the existance of a certain Stanley Kubrik movie to talk about the nature of science fiction, technology, and predictions about the future!!!!!!! It's about as tiresome as the bit between Nov 1983 and Feb 1984 when all the talking heads were yapping on about Orwell!!!!!!! (And I'm not referring to the talking duck here!!!!!!!! I am in fact alluding to the novelist who wrote "Nineteen Eighty Four"!!!!!!!! Tho why he chose to use the name of a talking green ventriloquist's duck when his real name was Eric is anyone's guess!!!!!!!!! Mind you, having read that flipping book, he does appear to be writing as tho something's stuck up his "ass"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And by "a talking green ventriloquist's duck" I am of course referring to a talking green duck as operated by a ventriloquist!!!!!!!! As opposed to a talking duck operated by a ventriloquist in the advanced stages of gangrene!!!!!!!!!!)

Ahem anyway!!!!!!!! Here's some slightly more interesting article about crap predictions!!!!!!!!! According to this one, there's some old book from ye olde days, written from the point of view of some bloke in 2027, that has some hilariously bad predictions about Scotland dissolving into sectarian anarchy kind of round abouts now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It includes gems such as: "Troops and armoured cars had twice been brought from England to re-establish military law in Lanarkshire"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And even:

You must recall that no newspaper of any importance has been published in the country for 20 years. There is no reason why one should be. There are excellent aeroplane services from London, Manchester, and Dublin.

Well there you go!!!!!!!! If you have any trouble getting a newspaper, just jump on a plane to Dublin!!!!!!!!!!

Time for a weblog cull!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!! Even the New York Times is plugging this webby loggy business!!!!!!! Wot with all this hype starting to do a "bubble" and stuff, it looks like it won't be too long before there's a "dotcom" style weblog crash!!!!!!!!!!

So it's survival of the fittest in Blogland!!!!!!! And to test the fitness of your weblog, why not try the "Kill Your Weblog" Test, which rates your weblogs chances of survival in the event of major 'log burn!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!!!!)

According to the test, which I answered completely at random and blindfolded, (Which of course perfectly mirrors the wild and wacky off-tha-wall style of our, erm, wild and wacky off-tha-wall w3zine!!!!!!) and got the following results!!!!!!!!!!

Your weblog rating is 61%
What a nice weblog you have! I imagine if you hang around the scene long enough someone might actually notice.

PS Please do not take screenshots of this dialog box.

Well, as you can see, I'm a man of my word!!!!!!!!

Snip Snip... It's The Simpsons!!!!!!!!

Hey!!!! I bet you never knew showings of The Simpsons are cut to ribbons in the UK!!!!!!!! Well, the bloke wot runs this next spiffy w3site does!!!!!!!!! Yes, apparently the TV "high heid yins" in the UK have, as usual, decided that cartoons, like Sci-Fi, is a load of kids stuff, and so are more than a little put out to discover that shows like The Simpsons are regarded as adult shows in the US!!!!! And as a result the Beeb and Blob (!!!!) tend to get their editing scissors out on occasion!!!!!! Which is a jolly big shame, as it means UK audiences have yet to experience the pleasure of Bart calling someone a "bastard"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Until they get the official (and uncut) Simpsons videos for their kids that is!!!!!!!!!

Why is there a national outcry about this counterproductive censorious outrage?!?!??!?!?! Well, you can make a start by going to the very wonderful "Snipsons" webby sitey!!!!!!!!!!!

Tsar/Czar Jinks!!!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!!!)

Honestly!!!!!!!! Wot a bunch of wimps we are over here!!!!!!!!! A little bit of freak snow on tha roads and everyone goes crazy!!!!!! Now someone's calling for the appointment of yet another flipping czar/csar/tsar/tzar/xsar/xzar/zzar/zsar/szar/etc!!!!!!!! This time, it's to be a "roads czar"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, someone needs to tell everyone that they should be vigilant towards the possiblility of snow and icy roads during winter!!!!!!!!! Funny how such situations seem to handled each year by folks in the Nordic regions!!!!!! Where winter temperatures regularly reach what the Glasgow Herald describes as:

between -10[[ordmasculine]]C and -14[[ordmasculine]]C

Anyway, how many "czars" would that be that we've got now!??!?!??! And what do they all do?!?!?! Why are they called "czars" anyway?!?!??! Is because they get a lot of money and nobody really knows what they actually do to merit their position?!?!??!?!?!?

Episode II: "Shambles"!!!!!!!!!

Well, here's a w3site we haven't linked to for a long time- Ain't It Cool News!!!!!!!!! Apparently, there's a bit of "discussion" about whether the much vaunted Star Wars Episode II is getting rewritten or not!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, as usual with AICN, we always have to say... Remember the "ZX Shrink Chamber" story....!!!!!!!!

"Nuclear Winter"... In Oregon!!!!!!!

Looks like much predicted floods didn't happen to Glasgow!!!!!!! But something else did!!!!!!!!! And the previous predictions weren't too good in that area either!!!!!!!!

Yes, that right!!!!!!! Bazillions of inches of snow have blanketed us over the past couple of days!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a result, I have been partaking of a significant number of hot toddies in the interim period, I can tell you!!!!!!!

But even our inclement weather pales into insignifcance compared to a nuclear winter!!!!!!!!!! But apparently that's what has happened to some place in the US called Oregon!!!!!!!! And they didn't even "nuke" it either!!!!!!!!!!! Tho I have heard from certain US correspondants that it needn't neccessarily be a bad thing.

Thursday's "State The Flipping Obvious" quote!!!!!!!

Wisdom is better than rubles. [Well, of course it is!!!!! The value of Russian currency compared to the pound is absolutely atrocious at the moment!!!!!!! Where have you you been!??!?!??! On the Moon or something?!??!?!?!??!

Hello again!!!!!

Yes!!!!! I've managed to sober up from my drunken festive haze long enough to say hello to all you nice people again for wot looks like the final Senior Citizen missive of 2000!!!!! And I'll be glad to see the back of it!!!!!!! (The year 2000 of course, not SC!!!!! Not that SC's actually going of course!!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!?!)

Anyway, good riddance to Y2K!!!!!! Not least because it finally means we'll get a rest from all the usual bores who go "Oh, the millenium really starts in 2001!!!!!!!!! It didn't really start in 2000!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!! Look, you twerps!!!!!!! It probably isn't starting in 2001 either, because we don't know for sure exactly when "Year 1" actually began!!!!!!! In fact, the best guesses are that the new millenium actually started in the mid-90s!!!!!!! So marking the millenium is just a matter of marking an important date and having a jolly big party to celebrate!!!!!!!! So I picked 2000!!!!!!!!

Mind you, I'm having second thoughts now!!!!!!!! Maybe 2001 was a better date after all!!!!!! Tell you wot, I think I'll have a jolly big party to celebrate the new millenium now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday's "Talking Out Of One's Ringpiece" quote!!!!

In a dream you are never eighty. [Well, I can tell you young man, that in my dreams, I am always at least eighty!!!!!!! Mind you, that might be because I'm exceptionally advanced in my years!!!!!!!!!!!]

Friday's Pro-Prostitution Slogan!!!!!!!

Love is like any other luxury: you can no right to it unless you can afford it. [Sounds like a line straight out of Cynthia Payne's manifesto!!!!!!!!!!]

Rather problematic holiday weekend quotees!!!!

Progress is a neccessary part of nature. [Wot about that decomposing hedgehog I saw the other day!??!?!? Not exactly "progress" on the part of the hedgehog, is it?!??!?!?]

Rather silly Boxing Day Bon Mot!!!!

Everyone lives by selling something. [Wot about librarians, then?!?!??!?! Get out of that one, smartypants!!!!!!!]

Potentially Cultish Xmas Slogan!!!!!

Comments are free, but facts are sacred. [Look, my good man!!!!! I know Westlife are crap, but I do not neccessarily desire to have this fact enshrined in religious doctrine for the purpose of regular worship!!!!!!!!!!!]