Thursday, January 18, 2001

Start tha Universe- with dumbo quarks!!!

Talking of boy band fans, here's a new concept for you: Dense Matter!!!!!!!! Yes, this matter is not-too-bright and a bit slow moving!!!!!! And it might be the type of matter that existed a few "millionths" of a second into the existance of tha Universe, then disappeared!!!!! Presumably by the end of that time it had went to school or something!!!!!!!!!!! Mind you, it's said to still exist in neutron stars, which are reknowned for being spectacularly "thick" and "dim"!!!!!!!!!

Fans zapped!!!!!

U-no, I saw some crap boy band on tha tellybox the other night!!!!! But what I didn't know what that I was watching the future of computing!!!!!! (Which was jolly ironic, as I was thinking at the time that I was actually watching the future of robotics!!!!!!!!!!) Yep, fresh faced youngsters like A1 might have something in common with the computes of tomorrow- they depend on "armies of very small fans"!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course there will be a difference!!!! According to this article, the fans in the computes will be 8 millimetres across, use "scratch drives", and will cool microchips!!!!!!! And they'll be a bit more intelligent presumably.

A galaxy of music- literally!!!!! (Almost!!!!)

Crikey!!!!!! The new epoch of digital audio has finally arrived, and I didn't realise it!!!!!!! This is truly a Big Day for tha NetWeb!!!!!!!!

Wot do you mean "Oh calm down, you silly old man!!!!"?!??!? OK, here's the story... Wot with Napster going all fee-paying, and also due to the fact that, thanks to Napster's not-very-user-friendly interface, one can download a file called "BRITN~1.MP3", and listen to it, and hear some crap "alternative" band from "Austin" do a really dire song called something like "Britney Sucks!!!!!!" type nonsense, I've been looking for an alternative Nappy clone that's much better!!!!!!

So here's a jolly nice one called called Audiogalaxy!!!!!!! You just download a nice little P2P client, and let their spiffy w3site interface do the rest!!!!! Even better it recognises the ID3 tags on mpeggies, and keeps track of identical copies of files, so as to allow for sensible distribution of popular files!!!! There's also a growing database of songs and artists which can allow you to find even not-so-popular stuffs!!!

Anyway, that's by the by- what's really exciting is that the Audiogalaxy "satellite" has finally passed the "Grandad Test"!!!! Yes!!!! As postulated in an early issue of SC, the Grandad Test was a measure of how mainstream NetWeb audio file distribution had become!!!! Now we know that file-swapping has truly hit the big time, when you can now get a copy of "Grandad" by Clive Dunn in mpeggy format!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been this impressed by the marvels of science since I first saw Man Walk on the Moon, or played Kerplunk!!!!!

(Thanks to NTK for alerting us to this site!!!!!)

Watch out Westlife- it's a negative growth rate!!!!!

Apparently the world market might be going into a bit of a downturn!!!!!!!!! But if it does, don't worry!!!!! You'll be able to turn on the radio and not suffer S Club 7 or such simmilar dross again!!!!! That's because according to this bloke, a recession is good for pop music!!!!!!!! Except that of course a lot of people won't be able to afford these brillibobs pop records!!!!

This ain't no small beer!!!!! (Doh!!!!)

Well, if you want to really extend your pursuit of ecological conciousness, then you can apply it to the pursuit of diminishing ones conciousness- at tha pub, that is!!!! Yes, you can now get loadsa "real ale" type drinks at watering holes now- and even at pubs!!!!!!! And you don't even have to wear a wooly jumper or don a fake bushy beard to drink them now!!!!

So, it's about time a wacky w3site like The Real Beer Page has appeared isn't it?!?!?! And I see one Michael Jackson is doing reviews for it!!!!!! No wonder he's taking so long to finish that album of his!!!!! He must be getting drunk all the time on industrial strength Real Ale!!!!!! Mind you, I dunno if that picture him is the right one!!!!!! Unless of course, he's had plastic surgery.

Farmers: get rid of your ploughs!!!!!!

Well, here's one way to improve the quality of one's "ecological footprint"!!!!! Apparently there's this thingy called "sustainable farming", which is becoming all the rage (And no doubt really cheesing off those Monsanto type peeps) by ditching all the big business end of farming, including ploughs!!!!!! Apparently, the amount of farmland using this technique is "an area the size of Italy"!!!!!! (Though no mention is made of whether this inlcudes the Vatican City or not!!!!!!!!) And wot's more impressive is that it's so popular because it works jolly well and sends farm yields "soaring"!!!!!!! Erm, wouldn't one need a rocket or something for that!??!?!??!

Old Fart's feet: smaller than that of a US citizen- ecologically speaking!!!!

Well, to be honest, I didn't know my tootsies were that small!!!!!! By which I of course mean my ecological footprint as found by this spiffy site!!!!! Despite the apparently "leading" questions, I still managed to score the following:

Food Footprint: 1.8 hectares or 4.5 acres
Transportation Footprint: 0.6 hectares or 1.5 acres
Housing Footprint: 0.6 hectares or 1.6 acres
Other Footprints: 1.1 hectares or 2.8 acres
Total Footprint: per person 4.2 hectares or 10.4 acres
Your Eco-Footprint measures 41.2 % of an average
American Footprint.
Worldwide, the biologically productive space available per
person is 2.2 hectares or 5.4 acres.

Well, OK, I'm not quite at the "biologically productive" level yet- tho certain individuals party to my antics in the bedroom department might strongly disagree!!!!!

The Big Dog's Breakfast, more like!!!!

Dunno about you, but I personally cannot wait to get this week over with!!!!! Next week, Channel 4's early morning stalwart, the Big Breakfast is getting relaunched after presenters Johnny Vaughn and Denise Van-Outen said their farewells last week!!!!!! In the interim period, most of the house is getting done up in preparation for the relaunch, and cramped into the spare spaces in the house are a procession of guest presenters on the show, and... Arrrggghh!!!! The weakest link in the BB chain- Richard Bacon!!!!!

Honestly!!!! I don't think I've seen a show plummet so fast!!!!!!! Even the new weather presenter, plucked at random from a crowd of hopefuls in rehearsals is better than this buffoon!!!!! Imagine a cross between Jeremy Paxman (without the intellect!!!) and Terry Christian (without the vaguely amusing fluffs and bumbling bits!!!!!) and then imagine this creature being as rude and patronising to everyone as possible!!!!! I've lost count of the amount of times he's told people to "shut up" in a vaguely "ironic" way!!! Even when he attempts to tell "jokes", it's completely ruined by a delivery and look that screams out: "I'm being really funny here, you know!!!!!! So would you shut up and pay attention!!!!!!!!!" And the way he orders people about: "Right, now go over there!!!!! No, over there!!!!! Now, stop!!!!! Right, now shut up, I'm talking!!!!!!!" He might as well grow a toothbrush moustache!!!!!!!!!

And he's one of the five new presenters starting next week!!!!!!! So, sort yourself out, Richard!!!!! Or you soon might not have a Big Breakfast crew to order about!!!!!!

Prisioner: Cell Block A!!!!!

Apparently the modern versh of Australia as we know it started today in 1788 with a bunch of "crims" in Botany Bay!!!!!!! We dunno if there was any "Top Dog" called "Bea" tho!!!! [Memo to self- add in crap "jokes" about nations descended from convicts here...]

Todays dire attempt at a "pearl" of wisdom!!!!!!

Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer. [Next week: taking a dump is what you "do" when you "do" what you "do" until you can't "do" anymore because you have to stop to "do" a do-do!!!!!!]

Americans buy virgin from Denmark!!!!!

On Jan 17 1917, the US paid Denmark $25 million for the Virgin Islands!!!! So if you wonder why the US folks kept out of WW1 for most of it's duration, it was because they were saving up for a nice little holiday home in the sea!!!!!

Utterly mystifying Wednesday quote!!!!!

A food is not necessarily essential just because you child hates it. [!??!?! Well, I would have thought that one was obvious!!!!! I mean, even adults would draw the line at eating old boots for dinner!!!!!]

Spooky Tuesday!!!!

Apparently on Jan 16 1981, "John Lennon released 'Woman'"... Which, when you think of it, is not bad going for someone who had just been shot dead less than a month before!!!!!!!

An abundance of stupidity!!!!!!!

The two most adundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidty. [And the spooky thing is... We still don't know exactly how abundant hydrogen is!!!!!!!]

Monday, January 15, 2001


Blimey!!!! The venerable ancient Scottish broadsheet The Glasgow Herald must be starting to get a little "bolshy" in it's old age when it starts printing letters like this!!!!!!!!!

Happy people: get rid of economists!!!!!!

Mind you, if the economists start including the concept of "happiness" in their economic polices, they might be doing themselves out of a job!!!!!!!! That's because according to this article, there's some folks that believe that globalistic capitalism can be defeated- by smiling!!!!!! "When these capitalist bastards see everyone smiling, they won't know what to do." said some (evidently very jolly) bloke.

Economists: make people happy!!!!!!

Favourites of the wooly-jumper brigade, the Guardian newspaper has come up with a real scoop!!!!!!! Apparently, money doesn't make you happy!!!!!!!

So wot, you might bawl!!!!!! But apparently economists have only just come to this startling conclusion!!!!! And apparently, they're now calling for notions of happiness to be included in economic policy!!!!!!!!

Apparently, this is really new stuff to them!!!!!! Mentioned in the article are ideas inspired by Jung and E.F. Schumacher's 30 year-old tome "Small is Beautiful"!!!!!!

Wow!!!! These folks are really on the ball, aren't they!!!!! Just the sort of dudes we need to help us through the projected economic downturn!!!!!!!

That banner on the top of the page is even crapper now!!!!!!

By Jove!!!!!!!! Apparently the ad revenues for Yahoo!(!!!!) and Doubleclick are going downhill el pronto!!!!!!!!!!! Looks like a lot of people are starting to form the opinion than banner ads aren't really very effective!!!!!!!!!

Quake III: "the Lord would not touch this with a forty-foot pole"!!!!!!

Of course, certain folks might not like the above item!!!!! So just for them, here's a novel idea: video games reviews conducted by fundamentalist Christians!!!!!!!! Here's a review of that all-round wholesome game Quake III, which apparently this reviewer did not particularly like!!!!!! "I played hours of it before the Lord sincerely convicted me to the heart about the sinful nature of the game."!!!!!!

Erm, small question- why did you play it for hours regardless of how "sinful" it was?!?!??! And you required divine intervention to come to such a realisation!??!?!??! I mean, I would have thought that the big pentagram dripping blood on the front cover of the box would have been a vague enough hint that this might possibly be a rather "naughty" game!!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!!! No wonder people like this need to be guided by a "higher power" if this example of consumer apathy is any indication!!!!!!!

Keep "abreast" of your sleeping situation- literally!!!!!!!

Well, as those nice young folks in that beat combo Cornershop once sang: "Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow"!!!!!!!!!! And now you can have a bosom for a pillow- literally!!!!!!!! Well, almost literally!!!!!! Check this one out- TitPillows!!!!!!!!! Two quids of the price for one of these "busty" bed implements goes to charity- tho I hope it's not Breast Cancer Research or something!!!!!!! That would be a pretty big "Boob"!!!! (Doh!!!!!!)

Oh no, it's cricket again!!!!!!

Apparently Mike Gatting did pretty well in a game of cricket today in 1985... Big deal!!!!!!

Habitual Monday!!!!!!

An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones. [Well, I personally find listening to Westlife a stupendously easy habit to give up!!!!!!!! Wot a shame others don't share my powers of determination!!!!!!!!]

Too busy thinking about- Sitwell!!!!!

I have often wished I had timme to cultivate modesty... But I am too nust thinking about myself.
- Dame Edith Sitwell. [Well, with such a ridiculous name, anyone would be pretty obsessed with their self-image!!!!!!!!]

Don't forget the dividend!!!!!!

Hey, the Co-op first opened a supermarket in 1948!!!!!!!!! Wot a shame they don't have to many Co-ops up in Scotland now!!!!! Apart from the funeral parlours obviously!!!!!!! But I don't exactly want to go there to get my Fresh 'n Lo!!!!!!!!]

Friday's discretionary quote!!!!!!

A clever man can always tell a woman's age; a wise one never does. [Of course, in this age of equal opportunities, it also applies to ladies regarding the age of the more mature man!!!!!!!!! So, Ladies, I would appreciate a little less of comments along the lines of "You look very good for someone who should be dead!!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!]

Sexy Tuplets Day!!!!

The first surviving sextuplets were born today in 1974!!!!!!!!! I hope their dad wasn't drinking too much before the birth!!!!!!!! If he was seeing double, who knows what trouble might have resulted!!!!!!!!!]

!!!!!nagolS sdrawkcaB s'yadruhT (Thursday's Backwards Slogan!!!!!!!!)

Invention is the mother of necessity. [... And as those young Beach Boys chaps once sang, "The Child Is The Father Of The Man"!!!!!!!!!!!]

Italy splits up Germany!!!!!

Well, this factoid seems a bit strange to say the least!!!!! Apparently 2day on Jan 10 1997, Italy's new 1000 lire coin showed a divided Germany on it's map!!!!!!!!! Er, doesn't that mean it's a bit out of date then!??!??!?!?

Wednesday bizzaro quoto!!!!!

Weed- a plant whose vitures have not yet been discovered.
- Ralph Waldo Emmerson. [Somehow I think some hippies would disagree with that!!!!!!!!]