Friday, December 21, 2001

Talk about "difficult" reviews!!!

U-no, some musinewsy peeps don't half write a wad of crapola in order to make themselves look interesting!!!!!!!!!! But even I didn't expect to see in this article, a review of Prefuse 73's elpee, which went like this:

... and that's just the first line!!! Who knew reviews in obsfucated Perl could be so hip 'n' trendy!??!?!?

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

Does this make me Grandmaster Old Fart?!?!??!

This is interesting!!!!!!!! Some bloke is giving us a a potted history of the early days of hip-hop, and then at the end of it says it's a bit like weblogging, really!!!!!!!! Quite exactly how it's similar isn't really explained tho!!!!!!! But apparently "Much like blogging, rap depended upon a long history, but somehow- in an almost undescribable way- [Well, certainly for the purposes of this article, there's no 'almost' about it!!!!!] seemed different."!!!!!!!!!! Which probably means blogging's a bit like Skiffle as well!!!!!!!!!!

Technology Tamed- debtors drained!!!!!!!!!!!!

See NTL?!?!?!? U-no, the UK cable folks wot do the cable tellybox wires up my end!!!!! They used to do quaint "local" ads on their channels for things like tha Greasy Spoon Caff on Bollokshaws Road, Kirkintilloch, where you would get some faded photoshots of some of my friends from down tha Old Folks Home eating a chip butty!!!!! With some 'Pumpin' house chunes from some "library music" CD done by a company from Swindon!!!!! And some funny woman does a voiceover through her nose!!!!!!!! And she says something muffled like: "Why not come along to the Greasy Spoon Caff, at 18573 Bollokshaws Road, Kirkintilloch??!?!?" At which point we shout: "Because you'll die of Botulism, that's why!!!!!!"

Ahem, anyway!!!!!! They stopped that!!!!! Now they do digital tellybox thingymajiggies which also allow you to surf tha megamighty NetWeb InphoPipeWay on the world's crappest w3browsa!!!! It's like an Anti-Opera!!!!!!!!! In fact, it's so far from the user experience of Opera, it might as well be called tha Robert Plant Browsey-wowsey!!!!!! Certainly it's slow enough that you can imagine the long haired ruffian from Led Zeppelin wailing "Wahahahrglhglgll... Push!!! Push!!!! Baybee, babybee, baybee!!!!! etc.", like he did in that duffoid "Song Remains The Same" cinematic "experince", in order to fill in the time before anything actually gets done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woops, where was I?!?!?!? Oh yes, NTL, the company wot gave us the catchphrase "Technology Tamed" look set to be tamed themselves- by tha Banks!!!!! Yep, they've got into the "red" in monetary terms!!!! (Wot, like they've become Communist?!?!?!??!) And now the Banks are going to take them over!!!!!!!!!! By which I presume they mean their bank people wot they do banking with!!!!!!! And no the family of Jeff Banks, the fashion designer!!!!!!!!!!! That would be really stupid!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, what would they do, apart from doing "The Clothes Show- channel!!!!"?!?!??!?!

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga!!!! The next Quake?!?!?!

What would you do if someone comes up to and pokes you in the eye?!??!?! Would you kick the "shit" of said personage?!?!?!? Nope!!!! What you would actually do is say "Aha!!!! You've been playing the latest in cult Japanese video games!!!!!" And then proceed to kick the "shit" out of said personage!!!!!!!

That's because the latest in Far East video games action is a game by the name of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, in which you poke someone in tha fizzog!!!!!! (By which I course mean the "face", not a "sherbet fountain"!!!!!! That would be really silly!!!! Or maybe not!!!! Maybe this person likes a bit of sherbet!!!!! OK I'll shut up now!!!!!!)

Slashdot: next for tha chop?!?!?!

Crikey!!!!! Wot's going on wiv all those bloshy slashdotty w3sites in tha US?!??!?! I mean,'s been down with server probs for over a week, with some concidental conspiracy theories floating around about US secret involvement with one of their posters, now Plastic's inbetween servers, as they say- in tha business!!!!!!

Wots next?!??!! Is Slashdot going to get it's dot slashed next?!?!?!?!? (!!!!)

Giving them a bad name- literally!!!!!

I must admit to being rather amused (in the laughter sense!!!) when I read this story: "'Wee Free' Church accused of giving christianity a bad name"!!!!!!

No wonder!!!!! They definately are given them a bad name!!!!! I mean, can you possibly give Christians a dafter name than "Wee Frees"?!??!?!?!?!?!? I think not!!!!!!!!!

"Oh no!!!! Shoppers!!!!! Quick, hide the 'EXIT' signs!!!!!"

U-no, once I went into this rather large shop!!!!!! And I while I was looking for tha longjohns, I found myself lost in the hosiery section!!!!!!!! A mistake anyone could have made, as I said to the police officer!!!!!! But it would have been even worse if the shop had been run the peeps who run the shops in this article!!!!! That's because they would have removed the "Exit" signs!!!!!! At least, that's what they've done in their Online Shopps!!!!!!!

Wow!!! Petrol prices rose in 1956!!!!

Hey, get this!!!! In this day in 1956, the Suez Crisis forced up UK petrol prices to an "astonishing" 30p a galleon!!!!! Just as well things are not like that today, eh!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 29, 2001

ET Phone home- to find out wots playing on tha radiogram!!!!!!!!

Have you ever heard some beat music group pumping on tha radiogram and though: "This is a load of complete shit!!!!!!!!! I'd better remember the title of the tune and the group so I can tell all my friends to boycott it!!!!!!"!??!??!?!?!? I know I have!!!!!!! The only problem is, the DJ usually goes: "And that was [mumble mumble] by [mumble mumble]. And next..."!!!!!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!!!

But in the spangly future when we're all wearing cheesy silver jumpsuits (Just like in "Buck Rodgers in the 25th Century"!!!!!!!!! Bidibidibidi... etc. !!!!) it might be different!!!!!!! That's because boffins at Phillips (Who are of course related to Mark Phillips, The Duke of Edinburgh, who is married to tha Queen Mum- until she pops her clogs, that is!!!!!!) have developed a spiffy new gizmo by which you can phone up a phone number (On your phone!!!!!!!! You couldn't exactly phone it up on the egg-whisk, could you!!!!! That would be really stupid!!!!!!!!) and place tha phone receiver to the radio for a few seccys- and it'll tell you wot you are listening to!!!!!!!!!!!

Only prob!!!! Wot if it's a really crap record!!!!!!!! Will this compute superserver call up tha police, who will then arrest you for improper use of a criminal record?!??!?!??! And wots wiv this "Kids From 'Fame'" picture with the above article?!?!??!

Beep beep CRASH!!!!!!!!!

Nope!!!!!!!! I'm not talking about Sinclair Spectrums here!!!!!!!!!! Or even PCees minus tha sound-o-gram card!!!!!!!! I am of course talking about mobile phones!!!!!!!!!

Wot!!!!!! You didn't know mobile phones could crash!!!!!!! Well, apparently they can, and can do by merely receiving a text msg!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, it's another bizzare tecchy security exploit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky it doesn't work on my phone!!!!!! But then again, that's because my phone's so ancient!!!!! I call people on it in town, and folks come up and ask me why I've stuck my laptop to my cranium!!!!!!!!!!!

Literally overusing "Literally"- literally!!!!!!!!!!!!!

U-no how some daft tabloidy hacks like using the word "literally" a lot?!?!? Stuff like:

"Literally all kinds of cars are at this motor show!!!!!!" [Wot!!! Even Reliant Robins?!?!??!]

"Literally everyone who was anyone was at this film premiere!!!!!" [Wot, like, did they dig up Perry Como so he could go along as well?!??!?!]

"This funky chune is literally a classic!!!!!!!!!!" [Wot, like Jane Austen or sometihng!??!?!?!?]

And so on!!!!!!!! Well, according to this bloke, such people are a bunch of planks!!!!!! Literally!!!!!! (Well, not really- but they are as thick as two short ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!) In any, it would be safe to say they are literally a bunch of cretins!!!!!!!!

Talk about manic depressive!!!!!!

"I make myself laugh at everything, for fear of having to weep at it" -Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais. [Crikey!!!!! If I had a name like yours, I might feel the same way too!!!!!!!]

Coincidence or wot?!?!?!

On this day in 1965, Mary Whitehouse started her "clean up tha tellybox" campaign!!!!!!!!! Which is jolly odd, because last Friday, she ended it- by dropping dead!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

Scrooge- with copyrights!!!!!

I suspect some young whippersnappers might not have read Charles Dicken's "A Christmas Carol"!!!!!! So, if you have to explain to them what it's about, don't go "Oh you know!!!!!!!! It's the one with Scrooge in it!!!!!! You know!!!!!!!!! SCROOGE!!!!!!!! The miser!!!!!!!! It's set in the Victorian... Oh forget it, go and watch Hollyoaks then!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!! What you really should be saying is: "It's about this guy called Scrooge, who's a bit like Lars Ullrich out of Metallica", and they'll immediately understand what you mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's because according to some legal boffin by the name of Lawrence Lessig says that todays equivalents of Scrooge are excessive "copyright hoarders"!!!!!!!!

Blimey!!!!!!! Does that mean Napster is Ghost of Xmas Past, and Bob Cratchit uses Gnutella/Musicity/Freenet/Ploppytrader?!?!?!?

Hack a site- with Google!!!!!!!

Now!!!! Google!!!!! Rather tip-top searchy tool, no?!?!?!? And especially, if like, you have tha supey-dupey browsey-wowsey Opera, you'll be using it all the time for searching!!!!!! But it looks like some people are also using it- for hacking!!!!! Apparently you can use Google to search for vunerable NetWeb pages!!!!!!!!!

Now you'll have to find another boring Windoze game!!!!!

Some people said my decision to return to doing SC (By which I of course mean the venerable organ wot you are reading- with your eyes!!!!! And by organ I of course mean this w3page, not a Bontempi or Hammond "Leslie" thingy!!!!!! I mean, what would you be able to read there!!!!! Well, OK, maybe the labels on the buttons, but that would be really stupid!!!!!!) Erm, anyway!!!!!!!! They said the act of moi el returno to Senior Citizen would be like entering a minefield- literally!!!!!!!! I said: "Don't be so flipping stupid!!!! I have no plans to go anywhere near Afghanistan!!!!!"

Having said that, you can get a flavour of the unfortunate predicament of the Afghanis without risk to life and limb- by playing a game in Windoze!!!!!!!! Yes, I am of course talking about Minesweeper, the classic WinTelApp in which you randomly click at blank grey square until you die, or, if you're really good, carefully analyse each result in order to pick the next square to click, then when you have to make a guess, randomly click a square and die!!!!!!!!!!!!

But if you're playing Minesweeper as a sustained political thought experiment on the morality of landmines, what else do you play for fun?!?!?! Yes, that's right Freecell, the barely penetrable Windoze "card" game!!!!!! Until now!!!!!!! Yes, now there's a Freecell solver program!!!!!!!!

Now all we need is a "Minesweeper Solver", and show those US military folks in Afghanistan how to do it!!!!!!!!!

Clone claims crap!!!!!!!!!

Well, you might be dimly aware that some boffins have done a clone of a human bean!!!!!! Cue lotsa guff about Brave New World and Emergency Bills in the Houses of Parliament!!!!!!!!!!

But what our venerable representatives (By which I mean Members of tha UK Parliament, not Brian and Helen from Big Brother!!!!) might not know is that they might be passing a law against something which comes out of one's backside!!!!!!!!!!! Because it's increasinly looking like this "FIRST HUMAN BEING CLONED!!!!!!!!!!!" story is increasingly looking like a pile of crap!!!!!!!! And even worse, some "maverick" groups on the "fringe" are jumping on tha bandwaggon!!!!!!

Jack McConnell: The Next Osama BinLid!??!?!?

Well, Jack McConnell is now First Minister of the country wot I live in (Scotland!!!!! Not England, as some of you geographically challenged people might think!!!!!!! Actually, "geographically challenged" sounds like someone who is restricted in a geographical sense, and therefore might not be the most appropriate appelation at this juncture!!!!!! Unless of course you happen to be in prison!!!! Or you're in the US, have a slightly darker skin colour, and can speak other languages in addition to English!!!!!!!!! But in latter case, if you're educated enough to know more than one language, the chances are that you might be educated enough to know that Scotland and England are not the same flipping country!!!!!! Erm, where was I??!?!?!?) Oh yes!!!! McConnell!!!!! Comes across as a very nervous man, as tho he's manager of Partick Thistle Football Club!!!!!!!! (Or, as those who look at the tellybox scoreboard call it, "Partick Thistle Nil"!!!!!!!!!!!!!) But in the first couple of hours of being Top Scot Dog, he done away with 5 ministers from his cabinet!!!!!!! (Which is a jolly odd place to keep them if you ask me!!!!! Shouldn't they be in an office or something!??!??!) But it's even worse, according to this "analysis" article:

When Jack McConnell said there wouldn't be a night of the long knives he was right. This reshuffle was more like the St Valentine's Day massacre. Just when we thought we were in for a period of consolidation under the new first minister, suddenly there is blood all over the cabinet table and there are bodies lying on the steps of Bute House. Jack McConnell decided that he needed to impose his authority over a sometimes fractious ministerial team by the most ruthless means.

Crikey!!!!!!! Talk about Mr Dangerous!!!!!! Let's hope Georgy W doesn't decide to defend America against terrorism by straegically nuking Edinburgh!!!!!! That would really ruin the area!!!!! There wouldn't be any decent pubs left for a start!!!!!!!!

Make Your Compute Faster- cheat!!!!!

You know how it feels!!!!! Or maybe you don't!!!!!!! OK then, you can imagine how it feels!!!!!! Or maybe you can't!!!!!! But, anyway, if you can, you know how it feels!!!!!!!!!! Especially when you make bits of the insides for your PeeCee compute thingy!!!!!

Take for example, ATI, who made their lovely new videogram card for da PeeCee, and said it was really suped-dupey because it played Quake II faster than other cardz!!!!!! Then someone found out that when you rename Quake III to a different filename, it isn't faster!!!!!!!

Yep, you guessed it, the driver files for the card recognise the filename for Quake III, and slightly downgrade all the phung shading and texture raytracey bits so that it runs faster!!!!! And for some odd reason, some people are more than a little miffed at this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elvis- with a trowel!!!!!

Hmmmm... I would have thought people had stopped looking for an activity to be the "New Rock 'n' Roll" after "BritPop" was briefly the New Rock 'n Roll until someone realised that reheated rock 'n' roll actually wasn't really all that good!!!!!! But someone's still banging on about the New Rock 'n' Roll!!!!!! Which is, erm, Landscape Gardening!!!!!!!!!!!

So know you can swivel your pelvis in Shea Stadium- whilst doing the weeding!!!!!!!!!! Maybe they could get the Queen Mum to swivel her hips- it should be easy for her, as she's had so many hip replacement operations, she can probably spin her pelvis around, like a spinning top!!!!!!

Now it's not very funny- in Lego!!!!!

Now, this is a bit sad!!!!!! We've already mentioned people doing really sad things with Lego, like Lego album covers and Lego video nasties!!!!!!! But now Lego themselves have topped it all by merging one sad tradition with another to come up with what some folks might term to be "something completely different"!!!!!!!!! If they're complete pillocks!!!!!!!

Yes, I am of course talking about those young whippersnappers who decide to propel themselves up every right-thinking person's nostril by reciting sketches from Monty Python!!!!!!!!!! And the people who find it just as funny the 24 bazillionth time they've heard it!!!!!!!!!!! So wot do Lego do but give us, but Monty Python and the Holy Grail- The Lego Version!!!!!!!!! I ask you!!!!!!!!! What is the world coming to?!?!??!

Mind you, having though about it, maybe Lego are extracting tha urine in a very subtle way!!!!! After all the Lego People figures have a daft fixed grin- just like the prannets who re-enact Monty Python sketches 36 gazillion times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phew, crikey!!!!! Have I been in a TARDIS or wot!??!?!?

Here I was, just coming back into society after a couple of months hard coding as part of a megabucks ultraflashy XML w3project for a booze company, and I find the world's suddenly changed in my absence!!!!!!! Not only have a bunch of idiots flown planes into a major symbol of world capitalism causing untold death and destruction, and both financial and political ructions, the US is getting awfully angry about everything and seriously endangering it's "Land of the Free" tagline, and everyone else is getting all panicky!!!!! And that's even before all that Anthrax malarkey!!!!!!!!! I was waiting at the bus stop yesterday, and coughed a bit- and suddenly everyone speedily donned gasmasks!!!!!!!

Honestly!!!!!! Do I have to hold all your hands or something??!?!??!? What you young whippersnappers need is a bit of fortitude or whatnot!!!!!! Things might be bad now, but you'll get through if you don't all go mad running around like decapitated poultry of the avian variety!!!!!!! And I should know, I've been through the Blitz!!!!!

Maybe while Georgy W's still got high popularity ratings, he should rewrite that famous speech by Churchill!!!! (After all, he's ripped off "Those who are not with us are against us" from Jesus!!!!!!) You know the sort of thing: "We shall fight them on the beaches, erm, of Khandahar..." OK then, scratch that idea!!!!!!! Just bring back Vera Lynn!!!! It would be an improvement on Maria Carey, let's face it!!!!!!!!!!

Olympiad- gone mad?!??!?!

According to my calender, on this day in 1900, "after 5 months the Paris Olympic Games closed"!!!!! Why!??!?!? Had it run out of money?!?!??! Was everyone completely sick of it after 5 months, and started doing silly stuff!??!?!?! We need to know!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 07, 2001

Hey!!! It was Steven Wright, apparently!!!

Megathanx to Diana who emailed to say that the mysterious quote apparently from a stand-up comedian, actually probably was from a stand-up comedian!!! And the comedian was probably the very wonderful Steven Wright!!!! Not to be confused with the very wonderful Steve Wright In The Afternoon of course.

Tuesday, September 04, 2001

How to watch TV- be an idiot!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!!!! Even the folks in US-land are getting a bit hot under the collar about tha tellybox!!!!!!!! Accordingly to this angry young man, to watch the Tube (By which we of course mean tha Tellybox, not the ancient 80s beat music show on Channel Four!!!!!!!!!!!!), one must:
  • Have an extremely short term memory!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Believe everything one sees on tha tellybox!!!!!
  • Ignore the ads!!!!!!!!!!!!! (?!?!?!? Isn't that a bit off-putting to advertisers!??!?!?)

Well, OK, you might bawl, that was hardly rocket science!!!!!!!!! And maybe that is exactly the point!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe the writer's watched too much telly!!!!!

Miney- from tha Big Briney!!!!

In the meantime!!!! While you're looking out to sea, waiting for tha big tsumaiamaini to give New York a thorough wash-up, what you might not know is that the mass of liquid H20 in which your eyeballz are trained is might be signposted "Warning!!! Extreme Ocean Mining Ocean No. 3!!!!!" in future!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's all thanks to a "lovely" bloke- literally!!!!!!!

Now I bet you didn't you know this, but when you go to Bridlington, Whitby or Skegness, apparently when you take a paddle (or piddle, as I sometimes do!!!!!!!!!!!) in tha big blue (By which I of course mean, the sea, not IBM!!!!!!!!!!!) that there could be molecules of dissolved gold under yur toenails!!!!! This is because the dissolved versh of the valuable yellow shiny stuff (Gold, not sulphur as you may think!!!!!!!!!!) is apparently readily available in tha big C- in dissolved form!!!!!!!! And the only reason Scarborough still looks like a dump, and not like Las Vegas, is that it's a bit hard to convert the dissolved versh into the non-dissolved versh wot you put in your lovley trinkets!!!!!!!

Until now that is!!!!!!!! A Umich Prof with the wonderful name Derek Lovley has found microbacteria called Extremophiles which can turn dissolved gold into solid gold!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately it's early days, and "Lovley says the process isn't efficient enough to interest jewelry makers, since it would take about a million microbes to generate a gram of solid gold dust."!!!!!!!! Erm, like, why not just use a million of them then!??!?!! It's not as though they're going to take up too much space, is it!??!?!?! Unless of course, they're as big as Norman Tebbit!!!!!!!!

Another reason to chuck your tellybox out tha window!!!!!!!

I don't believe this!!!!!!!!! OK, fair enough, Johnny Vaughn was probably the best presenter of UK TV CH4's "Big Breakfast" proggy- on tha tellybox!!!!!!! (Which is quickly scrabbling back to it's original format after a disasterous revamp!!!!!) But why someone has thought he'd be really great trying his hand at sitcoms is anyone's guess!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even worse, ITV seem to have got into their heads that what viewers really want is yet another bloody costume drama based on one of DIcken's tomes!!!!!!! In this case, it's Mr Micawber, from the Pickwick Papers, but it's virtually guaranteed to be some hammily acted overcooked costume disaster!!!!!!!!!!

The way things are going, it's not like one has to worry about the quality of digital telly these days, as the analogue stuffs seems to even worse!!!!!!!

Newsflash: you can cheat in web votes!!!!

Interestingly, the above article advances the interesting the UK indie shies away from reality, whilst US pop embraces it!!!!! So no doubt, the young whippersnapper Harris will be a bit miffed to learn that a certain MTV show might not exactly be following reality!!!!! It seems that certain miscreants at Interscope, record label to shouty metal beat combo Limp Bizkit and angry rappy chappy Eminimeinimeineimeininem, have been sending missives on their NetWeb MailyList to the effect that one should vote for their combos as much as poss on MTV's Total Request Live w3site!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!! Next, they'll be telling me some record companies pay good money to make DJ peeps play their latest gramophones on tha radiogram!!!!!!!!!!! Is nothing sacred?!?!??!?!?

Newsflash from US musinewsyhack- Britpop is crap!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, only about 4 years after muso journos over in the UK suddenly decided that Britpop wasn't all that up to much, a similar attitude seems to have been imported to tha US along with the latest UK Garage compil!!!!!!!! And like Wycliff Jean's rather clunky recent attempt at UK Garage, it's got a rather US-ian spin on it- to wit: "UK invasion" style-hype stories are complete crap!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially with the current acts being hyped as "Britpop", like Coldplay, Travis, David Gray (?!?!?), and erm, The Corrs (!??!?!? I'm surprised they didn't stick Boyzone and Westlife in for a laugh as well!!!!!!!!!!!)

Well, so bloody wot, you might say!!!!! Over here in the UK, we're well aware that the aforementioned bands are a bit tepid to say the least!!!!! And most of these "British Invasion" type stories are complete crap anyway, usually written by bored writers on either side of "The Pond" (A funny name for an ocean sized gap, given that it's generally bigger than your average horticultural water puddle!!!!) who wish they could have seen The Beatles at Shea Stadium!!!!!!

Apparently tho, this is really important, because hip 'n' trendy US maggy Spin says it's important, and we all know how important it is if Spin says it's important!!!!!!! The other important thing is that is by Keith Harris, who seems to be a rather narky man these days!!!!!! Also, he rather amusingly notes that the UK's "chief cultural exports over the past decade include the Spice Girls and the Teletubbies", forgetting to mention his artistic contribution to the previous decade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Also, a bit much, considering the amount of hyping The Strokes and Michael Jackson are getting over here!!!!!!) Actually, some of his critisms of the acts concerned are pretty fair- it's when he starts applying his slagoffs of the UK Indie scene to the entirety of UK culture that it really starts becoming amusing!!!!!!!!!!! (Mind you, if he tried to aim at just UK pop, he might have a point!!!!)

As per flipping usual, it dengerates into blinkered US/UK musinewsy hack in-fighting, as though the entire world seems to revolve around the usual tepid guitar band bollox!!! Don't expect anything about the increasing links between US and UK r'n'b/garage styles!!!!!!!! Nearly every big US rap/r'n'b act seems to be sticking some uptempo d'n'b/garage flavoured tune on their albums these days, and many of the newer producers are starting to put sounds reminiscent of the 90s Euro techno-hardcore stuffs used on early jungle tracks. Timbaland seems to be putting bleep 'n' bass elements on nearly all his tracks these days, not to mention a rather blatant "Dominator" style Beltram Hoover blast on Aaliyah's last single!!!!! And even Wyclef Jean has done a UK Garage powered single, for flips sake!!!!!!!!! OK, it's a bit clunky, (in the sense that the surface of the sun is a little warmish!!!) but at least he's made the effort!!!!!! And that's even before we get to UK acts like Craig David and So Solid Crew, who are actively pursuing the US market....

In the other direction, nearly every US rap/r'n'b single hitting the UK gets a UK Garage remix- in case of some rap tracks, the remix is actually an improvement over the original!!!!!!!! In fact, the idea of rap + UK Garage is already becoming popular in the underground, and is coinciding with a perceived "coming of age" of UK based rap, so there might be an "invasion" yet- just don't expect Spin to cover until they play guitars, paint their faces white and sound like the feckin Bootleg Beatles!!!!!!

If you ask me, those US folks should be grateful that we even gave them skiffle!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like a real Eastenders fan, eh!!!!!!!!!

"I am not the only person to question the wisdom of the BBC's decision to put EastEnders on three times a week." says the Guardian's on-the-ball TV "correspondant" Charlotte Raven!!!!!!!!!

Erm, I'm not entirely sure about that!!!!!!! In fact, most people would be questioning the wisdom of the popular BBC soap expanding to four days a week from it's existing format of three a week, which is what it's been doing for flipping yonks!!!!!!!!

Wot next!??!?! "I'm sure I'm not the only person to question whether this new fangled CD thingy will ever become as popular as 8-tracks cartidges!!!!!!"?!??!?!?!?

Mysterious unattributed quote day!!!!!!!

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. [Inclusing presumably the person who knew which stand-up comic did this little jape?!??!?!]

The Forth Bridge!!!!!!

Did U know tha Forth Road Bridge, that big suspsension bridge over some Scottish river next to the huge exoskeleton that is the Forth Rail Bridge, wot featured in Hitchcock's "39 Nine Steps", was opened today in 1964 by Her Majesty!!!!!!!! (By which I mean of course The Queen, not Prince Florian Wolfgang Von Stusselhauffen IV as you may think!!!!!!!) And anyway what happened to the other three road and rail bridges!?!??!?!

Wednesday, August 29, 2001

Volcano might cause a big splash- literally!!!!

Well, it might destroy the Canary Islands, New York, Florida, a good part of Morocco and the Brazilian coast, but it'll cause a good "swell" in surfer regions in tha UK!!!!!

It's all to do with the Cumbre Vieja volcano on La Palma in the Canary Isles, where you get pigeons from!!!!!! Apparently, the next time it erupts, "part of a mountain twice the size of the Isle of Man falls into the Atlantic" and causes a "mega tsunami" (which sounds like some 8 year old receiving a Britney Spears CD, then sneezing whilst asking for their mumy!!!!) which will splosh New York, Miami, and large parts of the Brazil coastline out of existance!!!!!!!

Mind you, by the time it reaches the UK, it'll only be 40ft high, so no doubt a lot of "surf" dudes will be out to "ride" the "surf", or whatever it is these young whippersnappers do!!!!! And just think- if you can ride the wave, you'll be able to surf straight into town!!!!! Mind you, there might not be any town to surf into afterwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wired says Jupiter moons are "wierd"!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, really hip-to-beat newsy service Wired has found out that "Jupiter's Moons Are Weird Places"!!!!!!!!!!!

And here's me thinking they were just boring balls of rock!!!!!!!!!! (Mind you, maybe Wired News was thinking of the incredibly boring 80s UK "soap opera" Jupiter Moon!!!!!!!!!)

Shock news!!!!!! Men are not "emotional mummies"!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, dear readers!!!!!!!!! Are you a man?!?!?!?!? Well, OK, I don't mean: "is the entire collective readership of Senior Citizen composed of just myself!??!?!?"!!!!!!!!!! And I certainly don't mean to ask if all 23 readers of this venerable organ (By which I mean SC, not my other venerable organ, which few have seen, but those who have have been most impressed I can tell you!!!!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!??!) have been combined into a gestalt super-entity whose gender is of the male variety!!!!!! I was referring of course the the individual reader wot might be reading this doggerel, and not everyone!!!!!! Erm... Where was I again?!?!??!?!

Anyway!!!!!! If you (the individual reader) are of the not-so-fairer gender of the opposite sex, wot you might not realise is that some might mistake you for the the other fair gender of the other opposite sex!!!!!! And what's more, they might think you're a crybaby, and that a baby has popped out of your bum!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not because just such people are complete cretins!!!!!!! Apparently there's some widely-held belief that men are "emotional mummies"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I wasn't aware of this!!!!! But don't worry, apparently, it's a load of crap!!!!!!!!!!! Men are supposed to have no problems with their emotions according to boffins, which is just as well, because until then I was walking around like a robot, and asking women What It's Like To Human!!!!!!!! (Actually- I was joking there!!!!!!!!!!! Or am I?!??!?!?!)

Mind you, given all the claptrap that appears to be talked about gender relations these days, I'm not too surprised!!!!!!! Take a look at this!!!!!!!!!

"People fervently believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but the data consistently suggest that this is either inaccurate or grossly overstated"

Hmmm!!!!!! Innaccurate!??!?!? Overstated!??!?!?!? I'd say it's bloody impossible in fact!!!!!!!!!!! Neither Mars nor Venus can support human life, you idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conservative Catfight 5: One Nation Under a Tory Groove!!!!

Well, it's a bit quiet after last weekend when people were queuing up to give a good kicking to anyone with British Nazi Party associations in the Conservative party!!!!! The BNP claimed themselves, with typical cognitive dissonance, to not really being in favour of infiltrating the Tories, having just boasted about having 150-200 of their members in the party!!!! Still, nice to see they're being about "welcoming" their members working for other parties and not being too honest about it, unlike nearly evry politcal party in the UK!!!!!!!!! Sounds like the sort of "democratic" party you could always trust, eh!!!!!!!! Perhaps they should just be honest, and rename themselves to "Lying Fifth-Columnist Nazi Morons R Us!!!"!??!?!?!??!

Ahem, anyway!!!!! Iain Duncan-Smith is a little upset after all this malarkey, and is making a jolly big effort to tell everyone he'll be nice to Johnny Foreigner, (Unless they come Europe, presumably!!!) and even that he's a "One Nation" Tory!!!! Which has caused much hilarity amongst certain columnists!!!! Mind you, some columnists are even more confusing in their reasoning!!!! One in particular, thinks that IDS might "drawn the poison" from the BNP if he becomes leader, as he will be an alternative to the current "consensus" on race relations, forgetting that:
  1. The current consensus from Labour/Tory on race is: "Racism is bad, but Asylum Seekers are worse!!!! So we'll just call them Asylum Seekers instead, because everyone (Or, at least, the Sun) knows they're a bunch of filthy lying scroungers anyway!!!!!!!!!!"
  2. As the columns notes itself, having a mainstream politician (Assuming of course IDS were ever to do this...) talk a load of racist cobblers will just encourage the boneheads on the fringes!!!
  3. This assumes that the Tories will be the only opposition, and race is the only issue anyone's interested in!!!! But there's already serious talk of the Libdems, under "Cheeky Chappy" Charlie Kennedy, actually in danger of replacing the Tories as a serious oppostion party on a wide range of issues, which people might actually give a Scooby Doo about, thus providing an actual proper alternative to the Labour/Tory "consensus"!!!!!!!!!!!

The other big story was a little opinion poll for IDS-supporting broadsheet The Sunday Telegraph, which put IDS' support amongst Conservative members at 76% compared to 24% for his rival Kenneth Clarke, who immediately attacked the poll for perhaps being a little biased!!!!!! Of course, the "Torygraph" might have another reason!!!!! This interesting article hints that editors might have sided behind particular candidates because they hope to get knighthoods from them when/if they become PM!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I bet you never thought all this malarky might actually be due to Conservative party activists regressing their DNA to Cretacious Tertiary terms as a result of some people with long hair smoking a "French" cigarette in a field whilst listening to a "rave" with The Pink Floyd and Soft Machine in tha olden days!!!!!!!! But apparently it's really be the fault of the hippies in tha flowerpower era that the Tory party looks like a bunch of dinosaurs in tha new YK2 milleniumiunmimum!!!! U C, wot wiv the average age of Tories being around 63, apparently they missed all that "counterculture" type stuff in the 60s, and are supposedly too washed-up to understand Da Real World in 2001!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call that an excuse!??!?!? I'm an old duffer, and I've not been left behind by the Sixties, Seventies, Eighties, Nineties, or Zeros-ies!!!! So put that in your pipe and smoke it- and inhale!!!!! Unless of course, you're a non-smoker.

I know how he feels!!!!!!!!

A friend that ain't in need is a friend indeed - Frank McKinney Hubbard [Well, your mum's cupboard might be bare, but your noggin certainly isn't!!!!!!!!!!]

Boring golf tournament established yonks ago!!!!!!

Bet you didn't know the Walker Golf Cup Tournament was established today in 1922!!!!!!!! And I bet you didn't care too much either!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 24, 2001

Conservative Catfight 4: Watch out, Johnny Foreigner!!!!

Well, we've now had the debate on tha tellybox between the two Tory leadership candidates- and wasn't it a load of boring old shit?!??!?!? About the only notable thing about was Kenneth Clarke finally getting Iain-Duncan Smith to admit he wasn't too hot on joining the Euro!!!!!!!!! (Cue lots of bad "Clarke 'smokes' out IDS" type puns!!!!!!!)

Much more interesting is the increasingly bolshy ex-PM John Major, who decided to trash Thatcher yet again!!!!!!!!!! This time, apparently she's responsible for the early 90s recession, the 1997 defeat, and all those sleaze allegations which dogged Major!!!!! In fact, it's becoming a bit of a feeding frenzy in the Conservative party at the mo!!!!!!!

And as if things couldn't get any stranger, one of IDS' campaign has just been expelled from the Tories for being a bit too close to the British Nazi Party (BNP)!!!!! The old codger (Tho that'll earn no automatic sympathy vote from me!!!!) is one Martin Griffin, who is, erm, the dad of the current BNP leader, Nick Griffin!!!!

Of course, he's currently huffing and puffing about being hard done by, but I think if I were a member of the Tories since 1948, (This is just being hypothetical- please don't faint on me!!!!!!!!!!) I would tend not to do things like introducing my son to the pre-BNP "National Front" party!!!!! I would also think twice before manning the phones for my wife, who just happened to be standing for the BNP!!!!!!!! Indeed, the idea of installing a special BNP membership phone line in my house might suggest itself to be a little contrary to the idea of me being chairman of the local Tory association!!!!!!! And if I was found out, I certainly wouldn't go around saying things like:

The two parties are almost the same in terms of long-term plans. In terms of manifestos of the Tories and the BNP, you can hardly tell the difference.

... And then claim that I haven't damaged the party in any way!!!!!!!!

Of course, IDS is ultra quick to distance himself from such stuffs- which is rather odd, as he used to have rather similar views himself!!!!!!!!!!

Shock news!!! Holywood often rewrites history!!!!!!!

Apparently some folks in the wooly brigade broadsheet The Guardian have just found out that Hollywood movies often rewrite history with a pro-US slant!!!!!!!!!! (Why nobody has thought of doing it the other way around is beyond me!!!!!!!!!! Especially if it's some like The Comic Strip doing the honours.... )

Well, I never!!!!!!!! Next, we'll be finding out that even US webpubs are getting cheesed off at films comparing the British to the Nazis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shock news!!! Rich kids are spoiled brats!!!!!

I bet you didn't there's a lot of rich kids who are spoiled young whippersnappers!!!!! Actually, I'm being rather sarcastic there!!!!!!!!!! But this lot aren't!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently this is a new thing to them!!!!!!!!!!!

But luckily for these poor (OK, not literally "poor" obviously!!!!!!!! That would be a bit pointless wouldn't it!!!!!!!!!!!) people, along comes Dr. Susan Bradley, senior psychiatrist at The Hospital for Sick Children, professor at the University of Toronto and academic co-chairman of The Parenting Alliance says:

It doesn't matter how much you spend on your kids if you're teaching them to fend for themselves.

And luckily for parents worried about spending too much, they've finally found out about that Aibo robot doggy thingy we've known about for yonks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sony is planning a big splashy launch for a new high-end toy in Canada, a robotic pet that will "grow up," respond to its name, even learn words, all for the low, low price of $2,300.

Just the sort of hot info tip you might want if you still think it's last year!!!!!!!!!!

Radiohead- the new Beatles?!?!?!?

Bet Oasis are fuming now!!!!!!!!!!! All this received wisdom about having to make "classic" "traditional" "pop" songs, inspired by other "classic" "traditional" "pop" songs, that the average milk delivery sales assistant can whistle, in order to secure maximum Beatles Emulation Potential, Oasis do it to the full, and it doesn't work!!!!!!!!!!! (The obvious answer: why are you doing songs that milkmen can whistle?!??!?! The Beatles didn't become the biggest band in the world by appealing to such a narrow category of potential consumer!!!!!!!!!!!)

And then along comes Radiohead, release their two most wonderfully obtuse long-playing gramophones to date, and they've apparently become the biggest US concert draws since the Beatles and hit the front cover of Rolling Stone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot's no doubt really miffing off certain record company execs in this Post-Napster climate (Wot, with US record sales actually going down for the first time in yonks!!!!!!) is that "Radiohead and Capitol encouraged fans to copy and circulate free bootlegs of Kid A in its entirety across their own sites three weeks in advance of the album's official release, upon which it went straight to number one with no radio airplay, no video and no hit single."!!!!!!!!!

(Of course, old duffer like me remember tha olden days when Capitol was alone in allowing radio stations to play their gramophones, whilst other record labels complained that, yup, airplay cost them record sales because people could hear the tunes for nowt!!!!!!!!)

Iggy Pop & The Seven Dwarfs- in Glasgow!!!!!!

Well, as my 7 readers from Glasgow might be dimly aware, there's this big popular music festival being held in my home town of Glasgow (not, Auchenshuggle, as some of you may think!!!!!!!) this weekend, featuring "God of F@£%" Marilyn Manson (Who's been been up to his usual tricks by publicly trying to arrange a visit to the Uni of Glasgow's Anatomy Department to see their Collection of Dead People's Bits In Formadelhyde!!!!!!!!!!!) and cheeky rappy chappy Eminimenimenineinemineinimnieminem!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, this other boring little story (Main bit: Various Christian groups go "Oh no!!!! It's Marilyn Manson and Emineimeineimeinem!!!!!!!! We need to save our children!!!!!!") gives us some interesting info on the "riders" ie those lists of stuffs that primadonna popstars seem to need up "backstage"!!!!!!!!

Iggy Pop, the American musician, [Cripes!!!!!!! I thought he was Norwegian!!!! You learn something new every day!!!!!!] has made a request for seven dwarfs, while an unnamed performer has asked for a bald stripper with no teeth. [Sundays headlines: "US shock rocker in 'Granny Stripper' fury!!!!!!!!!!"] There has also been a request for 47 watermelons.

Kylie Minogue is not due to perform at the show, but her presence will still be felt after an undisclosed person demanded that a life-size cardboard cut-out of the diminutive Australian pop star should be displayed. [Handy enough if you want to cut it down with, say, chainsaw or something!!!!!!!]

However, at least one thoughtful musician at the festival has demonstrated some taste by asking for a Peter Howson print. [??!??!?!]

47 Melons?!?!??!?! I would have thought there would have been enough melons backstage, what with all those "groupies" and that baldy stripper!!!!!!!!!!!!

That lady's a cow- literally!!!! (Almost!!!!)

Have you ever had a walk in the country, looked across a field full of cows, and thought: "Hmmmm!!!!!!!! I wonder what would be the result if I were to given one of those bovine quadrupeds a good hard rogering?!?!?!??!"

Well, to be honest, I haven't!!!!! But if you have, the result, in addition to the myriad colonies of insectoid beasties on your "goolies" and the RSPCA price on your head, might be this thingie wot US boffins have acheived: a fertisilied cow egg with human DNA in it!!!!!! And they didn't even need to "get jiggy" with the cow to do it!!!!!!!! "Melding man and beast may sound like the stuff of science fiction, but it's not." said some bloke.

To Be Or Not To Be... Porno!!!!!

Hmmm...!!!!! Looks like some folks in the wonderful world of broadsheets have discovered a hot new "trend" in filmaking called... "Shakespeare Porno"!!!!!!!!!! In other words, blue movies... done in the style of Shakespeare!!!!!! Titles include "A Midsummer Night's Cream", and

Tromeo and Juliet (1996)- in which Tromeo masturbates to an interactive porn CD-rom called "As You Lick It" and Juliet calls 1-900-FUL-STAF for phone sex

There's even a prof taking an interest in it- one Richard Burt, a professor of English at the University of Massachusetts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quite how this is different to the long list of "adult" "dramas" based on other genres (eg "Sex Trek", "Saturday Night Beaver", etc., etc., !!!!!!) is one question which the article somehow fails to answer!!!!!!! Maybe they haven't noticed it, because they're a bunch of stuck-up knobs- which would be strangely appropriate when you think of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Books + Frogs = Sex Scandal?!?!?!

Well, as you folks might know, I do have a bit of respect for our friends over the channel!!!!!!!1 By which I of course mean the French, not ITV!!!!!!!!!! But now my respect for them is even higher!!!!!! Apparently they seem to have an annual scandal, like, every year!!!!!!!!!! And it's about books!!!!!!!!!! You know, the paper thingies, wot you read- with your eyes!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, this year's scandal is about some "sex tourism" novel set in Bangkok (Which is really appropriate, given that the name "Bangkok" has two double-entendres for the price of one!!!!!!! Not that residents of Bangkok have actually to pay for such a priveledge of course!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, the book is of the opinion that ladies from Thailand are jolly good in the bedroom department!!!!! And it slags of some tourism guide, and the boss of said book has got a bit hot under the collar!!!!!! Maybe he should make a mug of Horlicks and lie down or something!!!!!!

Volcano Eruption Buries Roman Porno!!!!!!

Apparently Mount Vesuvius buried Pompeii and Herculaneum today in 79!!!!! (That's 79CE, not bloody 1979, Kate Thorton!!!!!!!!) Amongst stuff that was buried were a lot of "naughty" images!!!!!! Which must have caused a bit of a ruffle in the midships of the Victorians who discovered them!!!!!!!!!!

Strangley pro-censorship quote from Jefferson!!!!!!

No governmnent ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will. - Thomas Jefferson [OK then, so is a free press good or bad, then!??!?! Answer that one if can!!!!! Woops, sorry I forgot- you can't!!!!!!!! Because you're dead!!!!!!! Harumph!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Thursday, August 23, 2001

Sequel to Trainspotting: Porno!!!!!!!

Well, if you like books filled with junkie Scots taking lots of drugs 'n' booze 'n' sex, and having a "square go" with each other, written in an prose style slightly less penetrable than their accents, then you're in luck!!!!!!!! The doyen of Jerry Springer meets William McIllvaney, Irvine Welsh is doing a sequel to Trainspotting, called Porno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course the Guardian is rolling over and going "diddums" at the mere prospect!!!!!!!!!

Actually, Welsh is doing his darndest to update his portrayal of the just-outside-Edinburgh "town" where it's set, Leith, (It's so "just-outside" that you could walk down a road in built-up area of Edinburgh and suddenly, without any warning, you're in Leith!!!!!!!!!!) because it's starting to get a bit yuppified!!!!!!!!!! "There's bits from London, Amsterdam, San Francisco and the south of France as well, but it's mainly Leith, which is more interesting anyway," Which is just as well, because the portrayal of Leith in that movie was complete and utter shit!!!!!!!!!! For the record, I actually lived in Leith for nearly a year, and only got mugged by junkies once!! And they weren't wearing any cool clothes!!! And there wasn't any sleazy 70s Glam-rock playing in the background, either!! As I said to the doctor who did my stitches, that director Danny Boyle has a lot to answer for!!!!

Tho, not all Scottish writers are pleased!!!!!! One Ronald Frame attacked the "cliched brand of novels celebrating such dark subjects as cannibalism, necrophilia and sado-masochism"!!!!!!!!!! And Kenneth White attacked certain unnamed novelists, comparing their "grittier-than-thou realism" to the "remains of last night's fish supper, sauced up with sordid naturalism"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, they might have a point!!!!!!!!! How come Chris Morris gets toasted by the sections of the media for his recent show, but Welsh gets celebrated (usually by the same people!!!!) for his "lets-have-a-laff-about-working-class-schemies-having-drugs-and-sex" novels?!?!?!?! Actually, I think I know the answer to that one- they're a bunch of snobby middle-class idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's contradictory quote!!!!!!!!

Neurosis is the way of avoiding non-being by avoiding being -Paul Tillich [Er, hang on!!!! If you're avoiding "being" then you're "non-being" anyway!!!!! I think I might have spotted amassive contradiction there!!!!! Wot!??! You were being sarcastic!??!? Oh!!!!!!!!]

London one-way system: it's really old!!!!!

Apparently the world's first one-way street was started in London in 1617!!!!!! If that's how old their system is, no wonder it caused so many traffic jams!!!!!!!!!!

SC to ISP: "Coochie-coochie Coo!!!!!!!"!!!!

Birthday Blogger!!!! Would you ever entrust the technical gubbins wot runs your cool webpub to a toddler?!?!?! We would- and we have!!!!!!!!!!!

So, it's time for supercalifgragilisticexpialidocious 2nd Birthday Greets to the lovely people who host SC!!!!!!!!!!! By which we of course mean Blogger!!!! (Oh, and Freeserve are jolly nice too for hosting our old pages as well...)

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

Conservative Catfight 3: Return of the Grey Man!!!!!!!!

Well, after Thatch's backing of Iain Duncan-Smith yesterday, it wasn't too much of a surprise when today his Tory leadership nemesis Kenneth Clarke got plaudits from his old boss and ex-PM, John Major, who then goes on to slag off Thatcher, whom he happened to replace as PM!!!!!!!!! No doubt, this has nothing to do with IDS being one of a group of "rebel" MPs who kept annoying "Mr Grey" during his tenure as PM- to the point that he was inadvertedly recorded as referring to them, and one or two of his ministers, as "bastards"!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot's more surprising is that old bastion of Old Conservative "Bash Johnny Foreigner" culture, "quality" tabloid the Daily Mail has backed Mr Pro-Euro Clarke!!!!! Displaying a surprising pragmatism for a paper which is usually more at home complaining about How Things Were Better When Britain Had An Empire, the Mail today says:

This paper has great faith in the common sense of Tory members and their desire to see their party survive, which is why we endorse Kenneth Clarke.

So, whinging about "tradition" and "principles" is one thing, but backing the more electorally popular candidate, so that the Conservative party doesn't go down the plughole and they lose their entire readership is obviously a bit more of a pressing matter for the Mail!!!!!!!

But the behaviour of some non-Tory-supporting papers are even more interesting!!!!! Particularly vaguely (In more ways than one!!!!!!!) "New Labour" friendly broadsheet The Guardian, which devotes a portion of it's front page to linking Clarke with tobacco smuggling by his old employers in British American Tobacco (BAT)!!!!!!

BAT not merely colluded with smugglers in the past, but is centrally organising the process and collecting hundreds of millions of pounds worth of black market proceeds

Or, as the Beeb news said:

Mr Clarke has also been hit after claims of tobacco smuggling by British American Tobacco, of which he is a non-executive deputy chairman.

Hmmm....!!!!! If someone were to actually hit podgy old Clarke, he would lose his fist amongst multiple layers of fatty flesh!!!!!!!!!! I think somehow this is an unlikely situation!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, The Independent, as they keep banging on at every opportunity, have Clarke as a director of their newspaper, which can surely have nothing to do with this rather interesting column in todays issue, which basically calls supporters of IDS idiots!!!!!!!!!

Several party members have declared on the airwaves in recent days: "People dismissed Maggie when she first became leader. It is the same with Ian. He will be like Maggie." They said the same with Hague. "Maggie was unpopular in the polls when she first became leader, and look what happened. William will be like Maggie."

William is about to depart, having led his party to a massive defeat. [...]

Well, for all you non-UK folks, you can now find out what all this storm in a teacup is all about- there's a live TV debate on tonight at 2230BST (UK time!!!!) on BBC2's Newsnight proggy!!!! (Apparently it's "The programme that asks the awkward questions"!!!!!!!!!! Wot, like: "Minister.... Whjkfhg dsgjhds gjkhsdgjkdhg dshjgjsdgh?!?!??! Answer the question, please!!!!!!!!!!!!"?!?!??!?!)

Chaos- in your cranium!!!!!!

In any case!!!!!! Apparently, a little bit of randomness is not a bad thing!!!! In fact, according to one or two top boffins, a little bit of chaos in the brainbox department is quite normal!!!!!!!!!! "Quantitatively, such behavior is associated with a positive Lyapunov exponent, a hallmark of chaos" said some bloke.

Mind you, if they really wish to see some serious Lyapunov exponent action, then maybe they should stick their electrodes into Margaret Thatchers bonce!!!! Perhaps she might finally become of some use to Humankind!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you like videogames- you're brain-damaged!!!!!!

Well, this might not be of so much surprise to those who think that many games designers are themselves not exactly too full up in the intellectual department!!!!!!!! Apparently, some boffins have tested the braincells of kids play one game on an N64, and come to the surprising conclusion that it doesn't really stimulate the frontal lobe of one's mind in the same way as reading a book!!!!!!!

Well, so bloody wot, you might bawl!!!!! But apparently this is the beginning of the apocalypse according to the boffins behind this study!!!!!!!! U C, the frontal lobe is the gubbins wot does "play a crucial role in controlling behavior and in developing memory, emotion and learning"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"There is a problem we will have with a new generation of children- who play computer games--that we have never seen before," he said. "The implications are very serious for an increasingly violent society, and these students will be doing more and more bad things if they are playing games and not doing other things like reading aloud or learning arithmetic."

Er, well, the implications might be very serious for "an increasingly violent society", except that statistics show that we don't really live in one!!!!!!! And, anyway, I don't need scientfic research to tell me that anyone who plays videogames all the time is a socially maladjusted moron!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, given that the kids were only playing a single game on a discontinued console system, couldn't it be possible that the lack of frontal lobe antics might have something to do with the kids being extremely bored?!??!?! In which case, maybe for the sake of future society, we should ban "Crossroads"?!?!?!??! (That would certainly get my vote, I can tell you!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway, if you think the above quote was a bit over-the-top, "sober" UK broadsheet The Observer comes on all "News Of The World" with the same story!!!!!!!!!


Hi-tech maps of the mind show that computer games are damaging brain development and could lead to children being unable to control violent behaviour.

Blimey!!!! So if crappy videogames are "damaging brain development", how do we explain what's happened to the folks in The Observer?!?!?!??!

Still, probably the best comment on the subject was

They'll just grow up to be shitty gamereviewers who can't write. just like today's video game reviewers.

Dead actor says: I'm a childish masochistic exhibitionist!!!!

"Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult." - Laurence Oliver [Crikey!!!! Wot next?!?!?! Anthea Turner saying: "Presenting telly is really easy- if you're a complete moron!!!!!!!!!!"!??!?!?!?]

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

Conservative Catfight 2: Return of the old duffer!!!!!

Mind you, Toole might have a point!!!!!!!!!!! Never mind what she's like now, just take a look at flipping archive footage of Margaret Thatcher when she was PM!!!!! It was like the voters had entrusted the running of the UK to Dot Cotton from Eastenders!!!!!!!!! Luckily, at some point near the end of the 80s, the general public came to their senses, and her popularity plummeted!!!! At which point, the Tories quickly replaced her as leader before the lost the election (Or, at least, they put off massive election defeat for another 5 years!!!!!!!!!) Now she occupies the strange position of being God to Conservative activists whilst being an laughable lumbering old dinosaur and election liability to everyone else!!!!!!!!!

So you would have thought that any Tory "high heid yin" looking for electoral recovery after a second massive election defeat would try and keep her out of the way!!!!! But you'd be wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, she's just sunk their chances of recovering at the next election by writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph supporting the front-runner candidate Iain Duncan-Smith!!!!!!!! Hey Presto- tonz of news coverage, Tory activists jump over themselves to vote for The Anointed One, and the general public piss themselves laughing for the next 4 years!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the march of campaigning newspaper columnists continues!!!!!!!! The Scotsman's Bill Jamieson takes a rare break from his weekly paranoid "Europe=Satan!!!!!!" type columns to er, do a paranoid semi-"Europe=Satan!!!!!!" type column trashing Ken Clarke becuase he doesn't think "Europe=Satan!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!! (NB It even includes a contact address for a paranoid "Europe=Satan!!!!!!"-type pamphlet!!!!!)

Tool(e) to World Leaders: Are you a bunch of loonies?!??!?!

Let me warn you, dear readers, that age does not necessarily lead to wisdom!!!!! In fact, it's often quite the opposite!!!! It takes a lot of hard work to maintain one's level of intelligence at a later stage in life, and you'll no doubt be glad to learn that I am up to handling the responsibilities of being an elder spokesperson of my generation!!!!! (Which is not "Generation X" as you may think!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, it's probably more like "Generation F"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

So, if I were to, say, become an international world leader, then I think I could cope with this wizard wheeze!!!! A neuroscientest (Which means he's a brain surgeon, not a technition for "The Matrix" as you may think!!!!!!!!!!!) with the wonderful name of Dr James Toole is suggesting that world leaders get a regular check in case they go do-lally, and stick pencils up their nose, and a pair of underpants on their head!!!!!!!

It'll be interesting to see the Whitehouse's reaction to this proposal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Could Be Talking About A Certain Leadership Contest" type quote!!!!!

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. -JK Galbraith. [The only prob for the Tories is which one's which?!?!?!?!?]

Monday, August 20, 2001

Wind up the media- with a "wind-up the media" parody!!!!!!!! (And then tell them about it beforehand in case they're not wound up enough!!!!!)

Well, if "Mr Moral" IDS does get elected, it might be AOK if you want to get him morally PO'd PDQ!!!! So it could be a great 4 years for certain "satire" type folks who might want to knee him in his morals!!!!! And talking of which, no doubt even people on the furthest reaches of this great big onion (by which I mean of course, the Earth, not a literal great big onion!!!!!!!! That would be really nuts!!!!!!!!!!) must know about the media stink caused in reaction to Chris Morris' "Brass Eye" satire/edgy/alternative television show!!!! Indeed you're probably sick of hearing people saying "Oh isn't it funny that Mr Morris has provoked exactly the sort of media craptalk session that his show satirised!!!!!!"!!!!!!

Well, it might actually be funnier than that!!!! According to this little seen entry in the Scotsman Media Diary a few weeks before the broadcast, (Scroll down to the headline "OK Chris, you got us") when the Daily Mail got enough information about the show in order to make "Recommended TV Show Of The Day" on Thursday, and "The Sickest TV Show Ever?" on Friday, that they might got their information indirectly from a rather unusual source: Chris Morris himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!!)

Conservative Catfight!!!!!

Talking of which!!!!!!!! The former El Prez De La UK Tories has given his backing to Iain Duncan-Smith in the Conservative leadership battle, which to be honest is a little bit like Richard Madely paying tribute to the talents of Roland Rat!!!!!!!! Just in case he wins, and you're all worried about the bother of having to say "Conservative Leader Iain Duncan-Smith" all the time, don't worry- he's got a "Nice" nickname: IDS!!!!!!!!! Given that he appears to be ahead in the race at the mo, it looks like Her Majesty's Official Opposition will be lead by someone who sounds more like one of those treatments one gets at hospital for a rare tropical disease!!!!!!!!! The other choice is an old fat bloke (Kenneth Clarke- or "Ken" Clarke as he seems to be called now!!!!) who knows how to run the economy, but is disliked by most MPs in his own party!!!!! There was a third one by the name of Portillo, but he got voted out by the MPs for being too namby-pamby!!!! And now his supporters are even going on about the Tories getting even less popular than the Liberal-Democrats, led by "Cheeky Chappy" Charlie Kennedy!!!!!! (Not that some people think this a bad thing!!!!!!!)

All in all, it looks like the former "natural party of government" (Wot!??!?! Like, by genetics!??!?!) seems as cracked up as it's former female PM!!!!!!!! Mind you, it's not all laughs- there are also some really funny bits!!!!!!!!!!! Especially as some of the Conservative minded newspaper columnists start breaking ranks and pitch in for a particular candidate and trash the other one whilst trying to remain "objective" and deploring "backbiting"!!!!!!! Today's little beauty is from one Bruce Anderson, who claims to have been once a "deluded Marxist revolutionary", and is now presumably a deluded Conservative instead!!!! Well, at least if his bizzare but hilarious predictions about the Tories giving Labour a close-run race at the last election, and it's aftermath are anything to go by!!!!!!!! Anyway, he's telling whatever Conservative party members read his columns to go for IDS, after spending an entire article trashing Ken Clarke!!!!!!! (Not bad, considering who he originally supported...)

Mind you, it's not just the Tories!!! One fat-lipped former Labour heavyweight (Literally- almost!!!!) is getting a bit merry about various policy think-tanks that seem to be surprising the Labour govt by completely disagreeing with them!!!!!!

MP3 is dead- says clueless "tech" "reporter"!!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!! Apparently MP3 is dead!!!!! It must be, because Napster is dead!!!!! At least, so says this hilariously badly written article, which seems to think Gnutella is somehow MP3-free, and that lovely little services like this, this and even legit stuff like this don't exist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently while we've all been listening to our spangly "O-Town vs Anal C@%t vs DJ Blobhead Going Mental In A Sample Editor 'Tuff UK Garage' Mix" mp3s, there's actually been a battle in the corporate world between Microsofts WMA format and Realaudio's erm, Realaudio format for subscription audio listening stuffs!!!!! They also make some strange mention of people not being too keen on paying for music they've already bought!!!!!!!

Erm...!!!! I can see some problems with this "business model" straight away!!!!!!!!! That's even before the vaguely interesting mention of antitrust "inquiries" against the services!!!!!!!!

Hmmm... Maybe the record companies really need all those miscreants trading MP3s after all!!!! To show that they still have competition!!!!! And you can bet that our reporter Mr Haig will be saying at said juncture: "You might have thought MP3s died with Napster- but you were wrong!!!!!!!!" Speak for yourself, Haig!!! You're about as "with it" as your former Conservative leader namesake!!!!!!!!!! Ahem, where was I?!?!?!?

These pages are bugged- literally!!!!!!!! (Almost!!!!)

Well, of course, w3pagez with bugz are not exactly amongst the most unexpected of problems encountered by the average w3surfa!!!!! In fact, it's extremely common for one to go to a page and have some alert flashing "Javascript Fatal Error XXVVXVII in line 4321563456" just because some prannet doesn't know how to set up their jazzy "mouseover" script!!!!!!!!! (And I bet the mice are pretty cross too, at having to hang around the website whilst the script is getting "debugged"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) But here's one "bug" that's not obviously apparent- because it's 1x1 pixels in size!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this is apparently called a "bug"- or a tracking 1x1 invisible .gif file which can send and receive cookies for the usual "consumer profiling" so beloved by the idiot ad banner mob!!!!!!! Hang on a mo, isn't this extremely (as in 2 or 3 years) old news?!?!?!? I mean, ad banners and "web trackers" have been doing the same thing for yonks!!!! Why is it important now it's 1 pixel in size!?!??!! Because it's less easy to see?!?!?! Well, it's not as though you can't get webpages to track visitors without any graphics whatsoever- any big company can simply get their pages to track users at the server side level!!!!!!!

And hasn't the word "bug" already been used anyway?!?!?! Sounds like this version of "bug" was coined by some technophobic sub-editor who, when he books a flight online then catches a cold after the flight, wants to do a new front-page investigation on the problem of "viruses"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trust the Dutch to put a "dam" in it!!!! (Doh!!!!)

Maybe the unfortunate fellow in the story above should have emigrated to Holland before calling the newspaper!!!!!! Because a humungous hacker festival has happened there!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently there was a lot of talk about "laptop" and "wireless" hacking. Arg!!!! Does that mean that they can now hack my wireless, and make it tune itself to Radio Luxembourg!??!?!?! And how on Earth will they hack into the top of my lap!??!?!?!? Sounds a tad painful if you ask me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Troubleshoot a NetWeb Gremloid- and get shafted by spooks!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly!!!! I often wonder if the real reason our US-ian cousins are so "Big" on this Freedom of Speach malarky is that it makes it easier to shoot the messenger!!!!!!!!!!

Take this example!!!!!!!!! Some techie dude in an InterNetWeb SuperProvider noticed that a local newspaper w3sitey, run by a rival ISP, could be edited using Frontpage on a normal home PC compute- even if it was connected to tha SupeyDupey Inphoway Hi-Pipe with a really old (28.8K!!!!!!!) modem transceiver with one of those "acoustic couplings" with big suckers you stuck your 1970s phone handset into!!!!!!!!! (As opposed to other "couplings" where you stick something rather different in!!!!!!! But that's completely irrelevant to this story!!!!)

So, he kindly informed the newspaper of the whopping great big hole in their editorial quality control, netweb-wise!!!!!! Then he gets arrested by the FBI for some reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As usual, it's starting the usual paranoid "guns/freedom" type debate in some circles!!!!!!!! But I can tell you this, FBI peeps!!!!!! Next time I'm in the US, and I spot some dire security bug in the FBI's server which allows the FBI site to be edited via SpanglyW3Editor v0.2342242b on tha desktop, don't worry, I won't inform you lot- in order to save FBI time and resources!!!!!! You'll be needing that to track down all those hacker types re-editing the pages to "FBI suckxzkzz!!!!!111", won't you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, then- Planet of the Apes was crap after all!!!!!!!!!

U-no, I used to think that the reason that all those crap "blockbuster" movies (The sort that makes one wish to "bust" the "blocks" of the cretins who "greenlighted" it!!!! Or, alternatively, tie the miscreants to a train line, and "greenlight" a twenty squillion pound project to build a really spangly choo-choo train to travel in their vague direction!!!!!!!!! Woops were was I?!?!?!?!?!) Anyway, I always thought the reason that these movies always had posters with newspaper review quotes like

BRILLIANT!!! FAB!!! -The Sun




was because the people in the aforementioned newspapers are complete and utter buffoons!!!!

But I was wrong!!!!!!!!! It turns out that the real reason is that they didn't watch the movie well enough and wrote a review ultra-quicko!!!!!!!! At least, that's this guy's excuse!!!!!! He also claims to have been overawed by the special effects to the extent that he didn't notice how boring the story was!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!! It seems even film critics are human!!!!!!!!!!! What exciting times we live in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW If you want a whole range of movie reviews, from the twerps to the brainyboxes, go here!!!!!!!!

Non-Blogger Blogger- from Blogger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, you might have thought they were completely dead!!!! Deader than a dead mans dead bits, including his dead mans handle!!!!!!!!!! In fact, you might have thought they were deader than me!!!!!!!! Only of course, I'm not dead, and neither is Blogger!!!!! In fact, there's some interesting new stuffs from Blogger which might be the next "paradigm shift" for the superinphopipeway netwebby!!!!! Which either means it's the next "Netscape" type thing, or the next "Pointcast"!!!!!!!!!! And it's all to do with the fact that I'm not actually posting this to Blogger!!!!!!!!!! Confused?!?!??! I certainly was!!!!!!!!!!!

But this page marginally helps!!!!!!!!!! There's some spiffy XML "protocol" thingy called XML-RPC that allows one to run a proggy on a NetWeb superserver by sending a little text file containg an XML command-line thingy!!!!!! If everything's fine in the XML command, it'll run the command, and give you back an XML message saying hello!!!!!!!! If it's not OK tho, it'll still send you an XML message back- telling you to go forth and multiply!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So bloody wot, I hear you roar!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, Blogger, the previously-really-"happening"-but-now-a-one-man-operation-automatic-netweb-online-webpub-website has made some of their website work on this new-fangled XML-RPC wheeze, and released the spec to all peeps!!!!!!!! Already there's tonz of little progs which can post to Blogland without going through tha w3sitey!!!!!!!!!!! And here's one, wot I used to post, like, this story!!!!

Amazing, huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's also getting a "this is a new paradigm shift!!!" type histrionics from Dave Winer, who, by a spectacular coincidence, is pretty big on XML-RPC!!!!!!!!!!! According to him, it's right up there with "Quark XPress, FileMaker, PageMaker, Eudora, Netscape, MSIE, StuffIt, and all kinds of other scriptable apps."!!!!!!!!!!

George Bernard-Shaw says: how to despair- be hopeful!!!!!!!!!!!!

He who has never hoped can never despair -George Bernard-Shaw [Unless of course he has had the misfortune to watch "Big Brother 2"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Back from the grave!!!!!!!

As I type this doggerel, one of the big superserver computes next to me is making a very strange noise through one of it's Pentium [Insert spangly "Intel Inside" jingle here, Mr Ad-man!!!!] fans!!!!!! It's going all squeaky and gurgling, and every so often it stops to make a WHUMP!!!!!!!-type noise like a "muckle" big "broadsword"!!!!!!!! (Not to be confused with my own "muckle" big "broadsword" of course!!!!!!!!!!!) It's sounds just like Madame Guillotine going to the dentists!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope it doesn't need an orthodontist before I can send this message!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot do you mean "Where the four fruit marmalade were you, you silly old duffer?!?!?!? I thought you were a corpse or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?!?!?!?!? Well, strangely enough, I was!!!!!!!! But now, I'm back!!!!!!!!!! Only, having come back from certain death, I shall have to take a it a little easier!!! So in fact, I shall only post when I bloody well feel like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quality, not quantity, that's my motto!!!! At least, that's what those party to my antics in the bedroom department might say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 25, 2001

Evolution: dead?!??!?!?!

Honestly!!!!! You wonder why all those wacky religious types in the US keep missing the flipping point!!!!! There all this business of them trying to question the teaching of evolution, (As opposed to the entirely scientifically credible scenario of a supernatural entity going "Hey Presto!!!!", and, blammo, there's the universe, or something like that!!!!!!!) when evolution might in fact be dead!!!!!!!

At least, for humans anyway!!!!!! In this spiffy article, it's argued that physically humans have hardly evolved from 50,000 years ago!!!!!!!!! Mind you, it also mentions that some people argue that in terms of brainpower and culture, we're actually evolving at Warp 9!!!!!!!!!!! (Hmmm... That's sounds a little familiar, doesn't it?!??!?!)

No doubt in future, when we'll all be communicating in "XML" through our "PDAs" about the latest data "packets", some idiots will be going around trying to ban the Sinclair ZX81 because it's "un-Godly"!!!!!! But, hey, that's evolution for you!!!!!!!

"A pint of Olaf Tit-bit, please!!!!!!!!"

Apparently some beer called Skullsplitter has won some sort of award!!!!!!!! Wot's more, the name comes from a number of similarly bizzarely named Vikings who in tha olden days maurauded the Orkneys where this beer is made!!!!!!!!!!!

Nowadays, our names tell people nothing. Tony Blair. William Hague. Not like Magnus Bare-legs, Einar Belly-Shaker, Arni-Pinleg, Botof the Stubborn, Halfdan Longleg, Olaf Tit-bit, Sigurd the Fake-Deacon, and all the other crazed characters who limp or slaughter their way through the Orkney sagas.

After this award, I can't wait for the flood of similarly Viking inspired beer names!!!!!! "Bellyshaker" sounds like a good one already!!!!!! Mind you, I dunno if a beer called "Fake Deacon" would be that successful!!!!!!!

Mark Knopfler is a dinosaur- literally!!!!!

Compared to the sorry state of the above gramophones, my purchase of Dire Straits' platter "Brothers In Arms" begins to look a little more palatable!!!!! So it's a jolly odd coincidence to read the following story today... Apparently archaeologists have found out what we all knew for ages: Mark Knopfler, the headband wearing frontman of Dire Straits, is a dinosaur!!!!!! To be exact he's called masiakasaurus knopfleri, and is "about 6ft long with peculiar teeth and jaws"!!!!!!!!

Yes, you guessed it!!!! Some archaelogists found a new dinosaur whilst playing a lot of Dire Straits on their CD-o-gram, and thought it would be a bit of a laff to name it after the venerable widdly guitar maestro!!!!!!

Wow!!!! Wot bunch of wacky cards they must be in Archaeology-land!!!!!!!!

The Worst Records in the World- ever!!!!!

OK, there's not actually not much to write about today, so here's a rant about the worst ever records wot I have purchased- like, with my own money!!!!!
  • "The Enraged Will Inherit The Earth" by McCarthy!!!!!! My second flipping indie purchase, and it was just so dire!!!! The worst late 80s indie musical cliches one can imagine, (jangly guitars, cheap organs, jumpy drums, crap cello+violin on the "thoughtful" songs!!!!) plus hilariously badly written right-on Socialist Worker style cliches!!!!

  • "Manhattan Shuffle" by Landscape!!!! "Wot, like the 'Einstien a Go Go' people?!??!?" I hear you peeps roar!!!!!! Erm, I'm not entirely sure!!!! If they were, they had by this album somehow mutated into some horrible "poppy" early 80s proto-"boy band" with 80s squiggly keyboard sounds, out-of-tune vocals, sub-pub band "tunes", and a "recorded in me shed in a couple of hours!!!!" style production!!!!!

  • Some dreadful "progressive" house record I've never actually bothered to listen to all the way through, and whose name I have (purposefully) forgotten!!!!!! I must admit, I was fooled by this one when I saw this lying in a pile of bargain bin singles in a charity shop!!!! I think it was the "elevate your mind" and "higher plane" type title on the front that led me to think this might be some lost rave anthem!!!! I put it on and was assailed by the type of rubbish that in 1993 made "cheesy hardcore" seem an infinitely better proposition!!!! You know the drill- some inept "progressive" attempt to recapture the glory days of Chicago deep house: loads of piano stabs, terribly weedy string synths (usually doing some sort of high-note "hit" on the bar at the chorus, in the style of Soul II Souls' "Back to Life") and about 3 backing singers attempting a "gospel" style "choir"!!!

    Then the verse begins and the most insipid and melismatic voice ever starts intoning: "Mmmmm..Ahahahaarrggh... Peee-pulllll!!!!! Weee Gotta It Togeh-tha!!! Becaauusse the worrrllld..." (etc. Go on about how bad the world is for the entire flipping verse!!! Now it's time for the chorus...) "Sooo wee gotta get it togethaa-aa-aah!!!! Move yo-ourrr miinnd to a hhiiiggghhheer plaaa-haaiinnn-nn!!!!!!" At which point, I ripped the needle off the record, and put the single back in my collection, right at the top, as a permanent reminder to not be such a plank next time!!!!! (Still, I got U96's ace sicko Belgian hardcore tune "I Wanna Be A Kennedy!" at the same time, so it wasn't all bad!!!!)

A really boring day in history!!!!!!!

Nothing really happened today in history, apparently!!!!!! The only major thing was some bloke called Felix Mendelssohn did some Wedding March chune for Queen Victoria's daughter's wedding in 1858!!!!!!!! Rivetting, huh!!!!!!!

Thursday's slightly "rumpy-pumpy" obsessed cheesee quotee!!!!!

Two's company. Three's the result. [Eh?!?!? Wot if it's two inanimate objects!??!?!? Unless they have Trekky type "replicator" technologoy, I see this scenario as somehow a little unlikely!!!!!! Oh, wait a sec, you're talking about two folks... erm, OK, then!!!!! No, wait, hang on a mo!!!! Wot about if it's two blokes?!?!?!? Or an impotent bloke?!?!??!? Or a sterile woman?!?!??!?! You haven't exactly thought this one out, have you, sonny boy!!!!!!!!]

Wednesday, January 24, 2001

Rave- like a Scientologist!!!!!

This is a bit strange!!!!! Apparently some group connected to the Church of Scientology have gone and ripped off wads of content from some ravey w3site!!!!!!!!!!

Dunno why tho!!!!! Mind you, Scientologists use that "E-Meter" thing, so they possibly could have got a bit confused with ravey culture at some juncture!!!!!! In which case, I woudln't be surprised if John Travolta's working on "Battlefield Earth II", in which Johnny MulletBoy saves the Earth yet again from nasty aliens- by getting a whole load of people into a field and playing loads of "tuff" UK Garage on a "kickin'" sound system!!!!!!!!!!

Like a Virgin- taking it up tha Chocolate Starfish!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!! According to this "analysis" article thingy, there are a lot of strange messed-up young folk in tha US regarding attitudes to rumpy-pumpy!!!!!!! Apparently some blokes think that the virginity of a ladyfriend can be preserved despite rumpy-pumpy, as long as Tommy Todger takes a drive up Chocolate Lane!!!!!! Similarly some young womenfolk think that playing the Lollipop Game isn't exactly having it off either!!!!!!! There's even some more mature folk, whom one would think would know a little better, who further muddy the waters with the concept of a "technical virgin"!!!!!! (Wot, like someone who's new to the wonderful world of computing or suchlike?!??!?! Look you silly dolts!!!!! You've either had it "off" or not!!!!!!! "Technical Virgins"!??!?!?! It's a bit like calling you lot "technical buffoons"!!!!!!!!)

No flipping wonder Bill Clinton said he didn't have "sexual relations" with that Monica Lewinsky!!!! According to the logic displayed above, her playing his One String Bass wasn't exactly doing "it", was it?!?!??!?!

Hello- it's tha Hedghogs!!!!!

U-no, the other day, I went down the old Oxfam shop, and picked up a copy of Not The Nine O'Clock News's spiffy comedy album "Hedgehog Sandwich"!!!!!!!!!! And it made me think: "Why are there no resources on the NetWeb regarding our spiky nocturnal friends??!??" (By which I of course mean hedgehogs, not those young whippersnapper "neds" who hang around the bustop between 7pm and 2am, and whinily brag on in their distinctive nasal twang about how much they were out of their "box" on various substances "the other night" at "Shug's place"!!!!!!!!! Woops, where was I?!?!?!?)

Anyway- I was wrong!!!!! There are hedgehog resources on tha w3!!!!!!! Check out this Usenet Hedgehog FAQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It features such diverse subjects as "Hedgehogs as pets" and "Advanced Topics in Hedgehoggery"!!!!! (Which, actually, when I think on it, sounds a little rude!!!!!!)

In short, you could call it "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Hedgehogs But Were Afraid To Ask In case You Felt A Bit Of A Prick!!!!!!!" (Doh!!!!!!!!!)