Wednesday, May 07, 2003

This game is a piece of piss- literally!!!! (Almost!!!!)

U-no, for some extraordinary reason, folks seem to think the entire raison d'etre of this site is that of a urine extraction exercise!!!!! Well, if so, you are talking absolute piffle!!!! If I were to extract urine all the time, my bladder would explode!!!!! Just ask Colostomy Bag!!!!! (!!!) I use the "little boys room" just as much as anyone!!!!! By which I of course mean the toilet for the purposes of urination, not the dressing room of Busted, for an entirely different purpose!!!!! Mind you, having said that, I wouldn't be against the idea of using their dressing room as a urinal, but perhaps we're getting off the beaten track now!!!!!!!

But back to tha urine!!!! Which of course I expel, as any healthy man does, through one's joystick into a urinal whilst in the standing position!!!! Now, you might at this point be bawling: "Why are you referring to your male member as a 'joystick', in a not-very-impressive attempt at a double entendre?!?!??!" To which I would say, you're completely wrong, you saps!!!!! Because the use of the word 'joystick' is entirely appropriate for the context of this story- because thanks to some boffins at MIT, in future when you go to the 'bog' for a 'Jimmy Riddle', you too can use your todger as a joystick- literally!!!!!!

They call it You're In Control, and subtitle it Urine Control, just in case you didn't get in the first place!!!!!! OK, the joke may be crap, but tha tech isn't!!!!! According to their 'paper' on the subject, they use 'a grid of piezoelectric ceramic buzzers mounted to a flexible mylar membrane', stuck right in the bit wot you pee on!!!! Why?!??! So that one can use their "stream" to control a videogram game displayed on a tellybox above the urinal!!!!!!

Of course some of you female girls of the opposite gender might be feeling left out of tha loo(p)!!!!!!(!) Well, don't worry, the female form was fully involved in the testing of this revolutionary piece of hardware, mainly thanks to this handy thing, (!!!) called P-Mate, which allows allows females the considerable innovation of facilitating the process of micturation in a vertical configuration!!!!!! So, ladies, now you too can piss against a wall when you get caught short!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

A loan company for tits- literally!!!! (In more ways than one!!!!)

Have you ever been reading your electronic mailbox, and thought to yourself: "Hmmm!!!! Maybe it's about time I got plastic surgery in order to get a pair of sexy woman's jugs on my chest!!!"?!?!?! I know I haven't!!!!!! So all you pillocks sending me spam mail along those lines can 'hoof' off!!!!!! (And those of you who send me spam for ways to increase the size of my todger stop it as well!!!!! I have no complaints about the size of my pink truncheon, and neither do those who are party to my excursions in the bedroom dept either!!!!!!! Anyway, if it got any bigger, it would disrupt the gravitational balance of the planet and send it spiralling off into the Sun!!!! So, for the sake of Planet Earth, stop trying to increase the size of my willy!!!! Erm, where was I?!??!?!)

OK, enough about my hectic sex life!!!! Let's talk about female bazongas instead!!!!!! And I'm not talking about those apes who wash their potatoes in the sea either!!!!! I am course talking about the part of a woman that bounces when she plays tennis!!!!! (And I am not talking about the ball either!!!!!!! In fact, that's not even part of the human boddy!!!!!) If you're a woman, and you feel the need to get attacked by a scalpel wielding plastic surgeon in order to obtain unfeasibly large knockers, but don't have much munney, then you might like this next link!!!!

They're called Breast Loan!!!!!! Nope, it's not a mammary rental service, like a video shopp!!!! In fact, it's the 'fun bags' equivalent of the Co-op Mutal Savings Bank in the olden days!!!!!! If you want dosh for your chest expansion operation, then this organisation could be the solution!!!! Well, OK then, they're just a loan company that gives out loans specifically for operation to augment laydeez 'titties'!!!! (As all those tough guy rappy chappies rather amusingly call them!!!!!)

Dunno about you, but this seems a bit pointless!!!!! Why can't you just get a loan from a normal loan place!?!??!?! And anyway you could save l'argent (Belgian for munney!!!) by sticking a bicycle pump on your nipples and blowing them up!!!!!!

Seems to me a like a right bunch of tits!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!) And anyone making use of them would be making a huge 'boob'!!!!! (Arg!!!! Nurse, my sides!!!!!!!)

Monday, May 05, 2003

Teletubby-fearing God botherer compares corny country band to continental poultry!!!!

Now, I'm not one of those coves who thinks that lately the United States of America has somehow devolved from Land of the Free into something like the Taliban, only with money instead of braincells!!!! What bunkum and tummyrot!!!! Why, you've probably still got a few years to go before that happens!!!! So, until they ban smiling, like that Roman Emperor Justinineninen, (Not related to the angry young rappy chappy Eminemenenmineminem of course!!!!!) we can have a good laugh at some herbert called Jerry Falwell, who I gather is a bit of a Reverend in his country!!! Mind you, Robbie Williams is also registered as a Man of God in tha States, it's not exactly helped his chart career over the 'pond'!!!!!!

Anyway!!! I understand they do religion a bit differently stateside!!!! Instead of standing in a pulpit going on about how they watched a local football match and how in a funny way it reminded them of Jesus doing something, US preachers celebrate mass by acting like a complete spastic on live television!!!!! Then all the people watching feel sorry for them and send them money, and then the process is repeated until the preachers go bankrupt or get caught with a strumpet!!!!! Which, if you ask me, is much more exciting!!!! If a little expensive!!!!!

This Falwell bloke hasn't had either happen to him though, perhaps because he's really good at saying things that are guaranteed to make peeps say: "Phew, crikey, wot a complete wally!!!!" Previously he'd slammed Tinky-Wink of the Teletubbies (!!!!! I ask you!!!!) for encouraging toddlers to become lesbian witches, then apparently lesbians and lefties were to blame for jumbo jets flying into New York buildings!!!! Now he's aiming his fire at some dreary band called the Dixie Chicks, who play this type of music I've never understood, called "Country", which apparently evokes an image of America which never really existed, is nostalgic for a time that didn't really happen, and is expressed in terms of a genre of music which isn't really particularly interesting!!!! However, he doesn't like them for entirely different reasons!!!! Nope, he doesn't think they're lesbians!!!! But it would be funny if he did, because the main reason they're famous is that during a concert in London they said they didn't like Bush!!!!!!!

Anyway, he seems to be in vintage wally mode in making pronouncements on the Chicks treasonous slur against His Holiness, Tha Shrub!!!!! Using the current fave US swearword, he referred to them as "French hens"!!!!! French hens!??!?!?! (Wot, as opposed to a complete and utter US cock?!?!?!) But there's more!!!! "Politics should end at the shore when you leave the country"?!?!?!?! (So when US troops leave their own country and invade another, that's them being apolitical?!?!?) And even better!!!!! "You don't talk about your own country, especially during war" (So wot do you talk about then? Basket-weaving in Bulgaria?!?!?)

Honestly!!!! You'd think Fallwell gets up early in the morning and practises in order to be this silly!!!