Conservative Catfight 4: Watch out, Johnny Foreigner!!!!

Well, we've now had the debate on tha tellybox between the two Tory leadership candidates- and wasn't it a load of boring old shit?!??!?!? About the only notable thing about was Kenneth Clarke finally getting Iain-Duncan Smith to admit he wasn't too hot on joining the Euro!!!!!!!!! (Cue lots of bad "Clarke 'smokes' out IDS" type puns!!!!!!!)

Much more interesting is the increasingly bolshy ex-PM John Major, who decided to trash Thatcher yet again!!!!!!!!!! This time, apparently she's responsible for the early 90s recession, the 1997 defeat, and all those sleaze allegations which dogged Major!!!!! In fact, it's becoming a bit of a feeding frenzy in the Conservative party at the mo!!!!!!!

And as if things couldn't get any stranger, one of IDS' campaign has just been expelled from the Tories for being a bit too close to the British Nazi Party (BNP)!!!!! The old codger (Tho that'll earn no automatic sympathy vote from me!!!!) is one Martin Griffin, who is, erm, the dad of the current BNP leader, Nick Griffin!!!!

Of course, he's currently huffing and puffing about being hard done by, but I think if I were a member of the Tories since 1948, (This is just being hypothetical- please don't faint on me!!!!!!!!!!) I would tend not to do things like introducing my son to the pre-BNP "National Front" party!!!!! I would also think twice before manning the phones for my wife, who just happened to be standing for the BNP!!!!!!!! Indeed, the idea of installing a special BNP membership phone line in my house might suggest itself to be a little contrary to the idea of me being chairman of the local Tory association!!!!!!! And if I was found out, I certainly wouldn't go around saying things like:

The two parties are almost the same in terms of long-term plans. In terms of manifestos of the Tories and the BNP, you can hardly tell the difference.

... And then claim that I haven't damaged the party in any way!!!!!!!!

Of course, IDS is ultra quick to distance himself from such stuffs- which is rather odd, as he used to have rather similar views himself!!!!!!!!!!

Shock news!!! Holywood often rewrites history!!!!!!!

Apparently some folks in the wooly brigade broadsheet The Guardian have just found out that Hollywood movies often rewrite history with a pro-US slant!!!!!!!!!! (Why nobody has thought of doing it the other way around is beyond me!!!!!!!!!! Especially if it's some like The Comic Strip doing the honours.... )

Well, I never!!!!!!!! Next, we'll be finding out that even US webpubs are getting cheesed off at films comparing the British to the Nazis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shock news!!! Rich kids are spoiled brats!!!!!

I bet you didn't there's a lot of rich kids who are spoiled young whippersnappers!!!!! Actually, I'm being rather sarcastic there!!!!!!!!!! But this lot aren't!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently this is a new thing to them!!!!!!!!!!!

But luckily for these poor (OK, not literally "poor" obviously!!!!!!!! That would be a bit pointless wouldn't it!!!!!!!!!!!) people, along comes Dr. Susan Bradley, senior psychiatrist at The Hospital for Sick Children, professor at the University of Toronto and academic co-chairman of The Parenting Alliance says:

It doesn't matter how much you spend on your kids if you're teaching them to fend for themselves.

And luckily for parents worried about spending too much, they've finally found out about that Aibo robot doggy thingy we've known about for yonks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sony is planning a big splashy launch for a new high-end toy in Canada, a robotic pet that will "grow up," respond to its name, even learn words, all for the low, low price of $2,300.

Just the sort of hot info tip you might want if you still think it's last year!!!!!!!!!!

Radiohead- the new Beatles?!?!?!?

Bet Oasis are fuming now!!!!!!!!!!! All this received wisdom about having to make "classic" "traditional" "pop" songs, inspired by other "classic" "traditional" "pop" songs, that the average milk delivery sales assistant can whistle, in order to secure maximum Beatles Emulation Potential, Oasis do it to the full, and it doesn't work!!!!!!!!!!! (The obvious answer: why are you doing songs that milkmen can whistle?!??!?! The Beatles didn't become the biggest band in the world by appealing to such a narrow category of potential consumer!!!!!!!!!!!)

And then along comes Radiohead, release their two most wonderfully obtuse long-playing gramophones to date, and they've apparently become the biggest US concert draws since the Beatles and hit the front cover of Rolling Stone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot's no doubt really miffing off certain record company execs in this Post-Napster climate (Wot, with US record sales actually going down for the first time in yonks!!!!!!) is that "Radiohead and Capitol encouraged fans to copy and circulate free bootlegs of Kid A in its entirety across their own sites three weeks in advance of the album's official release, upon which it went straight to number one with no radio airplay, no video and no hit single."!!!!!!!!!

(Of course, old duffer like me remember tha olden days when Capitol was alone in allowing radio stations to play their gramophones, whilst other record labels complained that, yup, airplay cost them record sales because people could hear the tunes for nowt!!!!!!!!)

Iggy Pop & The Seven Dwarfs- in Glasgow!!!!!!

Well, as my 7 readers from Glasgow might be dimly aware, there's this big popular music festival being held in my home town of Glasgow (not, Auchenshuggle, as some of you may think!!!!!!!) this weekend, featuring "God of F@£%" Marilyn Manson (Who's been been up to his usual tricks by publicly trying to arrange a visit to the Uni of Glasgow's Anatomy Department to see their Collection of Dead People's Bits In Formadelhyde!!!!!!!!!!!) and cheeky rappy chappy Eminimenimenineinemineinimnieminem!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, this other boring little story (Main bit: Various Christian groups go "Oh no!!!! It's Marilyn Manson and Emineimeineimeinem!!!!!!!! We need to save our children!!!!!!") gives us some interesting info on the "riders" ie those lists of stuffs that primadonna popstars seem to need up "backstage"!!!!!!!!

Iggy Pop, the American musician, [Cripes!!!!!!! I thought he was Norwegian!!!! You learn something new every day!!!!!!] has made a request for seven dwarfs, while an unnamed performer has asked for a bald stripper with no teeth. [Sundays headlines: "US shock rocker in 'Granny Stripper' fury!!!!!!!!!!"] There has also been a request for 47 watermelons.

Kylie Minogue is not due to perform at the show, but her presence will still be felt after an undisclosed person demanded that a life-size cardboard cut-out of the diminutive Australian pop star should be displayed. [Handy enough if you want to cut it down with, say, chainsaw or something!!!!!!!]

However, at least one thoughtful musician at the festival has demonstrated some taste by asking for a Peter Howson print. [??!??!?!]

47 Melons?!?!??!?! I would have thought there would have been enough melons backstage, what with all those "groupies" and that baldy stripper!!!!!!!!!!!!

That lady's a cow- literally!!!! (Almost!!!!)

Have you ever had a walk in the country, looked across a field full of cows, and thought: "Hmmmm!!!!!!!! I wonder what would be the result if I were to given one of those bovine quadrupeds a good hard rogering?!?!?!??!"

Well, to be honest, I haven't!!!!! But if you have, the result, in addition to the myriad colonies of insectoid beasties on your "goolies" and the RSPCA price on your head, might be this thingie wot US boffins have acheived: a fertisilied cow egg with human DNA in it!!!!!! And they didn't even need to "get jiggy" with the cow to do it!!!!!!!! "Melding man and beast may sound like the stuff of science fiction, but it's not." said some bloke.

To Be Or Not To Be... Porno!!!!!

Hmmm...!!!!! Looks like some folks in the wonderful world of broadsheets have discovered a hot new "trend" in filmaking called... "Shakespeare Porno"!!!!!!!!!! In other words, blue movies... done in the style of Shakespeare!!!!!! Titles include "A Midsummer Night's Cream", and

Tromeo and Juliet (1996)- in which Tromeo masturbates to an interactive porn CD-rom called "As You Lick It" and Juliet calls 1-900-FUL-STAF for phone sex

There's even a prof taking an interest in it- one Richard Burt, a professor of English at the University of Massachusetts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quite how this is different to the long list of "adult" "dramas" based on other genres (eg "Sex Trek", "Saturday Night Beaver", etc., etc., !!!!!!) is one question which the article somehow fails to answer!!!!!!! Maybe they haven't noticed it, because they're a bunch of stuck-up knobs- which would be strangely appropriate when you think of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Books + Frogs = Sex Scandal?!?!?!

Well, as you folks might know, I do have a bit of respect for our friends over the channel!!!!!!!1 By which I of course mean the French, not ITV!!!!!!!!!! But now my respect for them is even higher!!!!!! Apparently they seem to have an annual scandal, like, every year!!!!!!!!!! And it's about books!!!!!!!!!! You know, the paper thingies, wot you read- with your eyes!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, this year's scandal is about some "sex tourism" novel set in Bangkok (Which is really appropriate, given that the name "Bangkok" has two double-entendres for the price of one!!!!!!! Not that residents of Bangkok have actually to pay for such a priveledge of course!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, the book is of the opinion that ladies from Thailand are jolly good in the bedroom department!!!!! And it slags of some tourism guide, and the boss of said book has got a bit hot under the collar!!!!!! Maybe he should make a mug of Horlicks and lie down or something!!!!!!

Volcano Eruption Buries Roman Porno!!!!!!

Apparently Mount Vesuvius buried Pompeii and Herculaneum today in 79!!!!! (That's 79CE, not bloody 1979, Kate Thorton!!!!!!!!) Amongst stuff that was buried were a lot of "naughty" images!!!!!! Which must have caused a bit of a ruffle in the midships of the Victorians who discovered them!!!!!!!!!!

Strangley pro-censorship quote from Jefferson!!!!!!

No governmnent ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will. - Thomas Jefferson [OK then, so is a free press good or bad, then!??!?! Answer that one if can!!!!! Woops, sorry I forgot- you can't!!!!!!!! Because you're dead!!!!!!! Harumph!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Sequel to Trainspotting: Porno!!!!!!!

Well, if you like books filled with junkie Scots taking lots of drugs 'n' booze 'n' sex, and having a "square go" with each other, written in an prose style slightly less penetrable than their accents, then you're in luck!!!!!!!! The doyen of Jerry Springer meets William McIllvaney, Irvine Welsh is doing a sequel to Trainspotting, called Porno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course the Guardian is rolling over and going "diddums" at the mere prospect!!!!!!!!!

Actually, Welsh is doing his darndest to update his portrayal of the just-outside-Edinburgh "town" where it's set, Leith, (It's so "just-outside" that you could walk down a road in built-up area of Edinburgh and suddenly, without any warning, you're in Leith!!!!!!!!!!) because it's starting to get a bit yuppified!!!!!!!!!! "There's bits from London, Amsterdam, San Francisco and the south of France as well, but it's mainly Leith, which is more interesting anyway," Which is just as well, because the portrayal of Leith in that movie was complete and utter shit!!!!!!!!!! For the record, I actually lived in Leith for nearly a year, and only got mugged by junkies once!! And they weren't wearing any cool clothes!!! And there wasn't any sleazy 70s Glam-rock playing in the background, either!! As I said to the doctor who did my stitches, that director Danny Boyle has a lot to answer for!!!!

Tho, not all Scottish writers are pleased!!!!!! One Ronald Frame attacked the "cliched brand of novels celebrating such dark subjects as cannibalism, necrophilia and sado-masochism"!!!!!!!!!! And Kenneth White attacked certain unnamed novelists, comparing their "grittier-than-thou realism" to the "remains of last night's fish supper, sauced up with sordid naturalism"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, they might have a point!!!!!!!!! How come Chris Morris gets toasted by the sections of the media for his recent show, but Welsh gets celebrated (usually by the same people!!!!) for his "lets-have-a-laff-about-working-class-schemies-having-drugs-and-sex" novels?!?!?!?! Actually, I think I know the answer to that one- they're a bunch of snobby middle-class idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's contradictory quote!!!!!!!!

Neurosis is the way of avoiding non-being by avoiding being -Paul Tillich [Er, hang on!!!! If you're avoiding "being" then you're "non-being" anyway!!!!! I think I might have spotted amassive contradiction there!!!!! Wot!??! You were being sarcastic!??!? Oh!!!!!!!!]

London one-way system: it's really old!!!!!

Apparently the world's first one-way street was started in London in 1617!!!!!! If that's how old their system is, no wonder it caused so many traffic jams!!!!!!!!!!

SC to ISP: "Coochie-coochie Coo!!!!!!!"!!!!

Would you ever entrust the technical gubbins wot runs your cool webpub to a toddler?!?!?! We would- and we have!!!!!!!!!!!

So, it's time for supercalifgragilisticexpialidocious 2nd Birthday Greets to the lovely people who host SC!!!!!!!!!!! By which we of course mean Blogger!!!! (Oh, and Freeserve are jolly nice too for hosting our old pages as well...)

Conservative Catfight 3: Return of the Grey Man!!!!!!!!

Well, after Thatch's backing of Iain Duncan-Smith yesterday, it wasn't too much of a surprise when today his Tory leadership nemesis Kenneth Clarke got plaudits from his old boss and ex-PM, John Major, who then goes on to slag off Thatcher, whom he happened to replace as PM!!!!!!!!! No doubt, this has nothing to do with IDS being one of a group of "rebel" MPs who kept annoying "Mr Grey" during his tenure as PM- to the point that he was inadvertedly recorded as referring to them, and one or two of his ministers, as "bastards"!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot's more surprising is that old bastion of Old Conservative "Bash Johnny Foreigner" culture, "quality" tabloid the Daily Mail has backed Mr Pro-Euro Clarke!!!!! Displaying a surprising pragmatism for a paper which is usually more at home complaining about How Things Were Better When Britain Had An Empire, the Mail today says:

This paper has great faith in the common sense of Tory members and their desire to see their party survive, which is why we endorse Kenneth Clarke.

So, whinging about "tradition" and "principles" is one thing, but backing the more electorally popular candidate, so that the Conservative party doesn't go down the plughole and they lose their entire readership is obviously a bit more of a pressing matter for the Mail!!!!!!!

But the behaviour of some non-Tory-supporting papers are even more interesting!!!!! Particularly vaguely (In more ways than one!!!!!!!) "New Labour" friendly broadsheet The Guardian, which devotes a portion of it's front page to linking Clarke with tobacco smuggling by his old employers in British American Tobacco (BAT)!!!!!!

BAT not merely colluded with smugglers in the past, but is centrally organising the process and collecting hundreds of millions of pounds worth of black market proceeds

Or, as the Beeb news said:

Mr Clarke has also been hit after claims of tobacco smuggling by British American Tobacco, of which he is a non-executive deputy chairman.

Hmmm....!!!!! If someone were to actually hit podgy old Clarke, he would lose his fist amongst multiple layers of fatty flesh!!!!!!!!!! I think somehow this is an unlikely situation!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, The Independent, as they keep banging on at every opportunity, have Clarke as a director of their newspaper, which can surely have nothing to do with this rather interesting column in todays issue, which basically calls supporters of IDS idiots!!!!!!!!!

Several party members have declared on the airwaves in recent days: "People dismissed Maggie when she first became leader. It is the same with Ian. He will be like Maggie." They said the same with Hague. "Maggie was unpopular in the polls when she first became leader, and look what happened. William will be like Maggie."

William is about to depart, having led his party to a massive defeat. [...]

Well, for all you non-UK folks, you can now find out what all this storm in a teacup is all about- there's a live TV debate on tonight at 2230BST (UK time!!!!) on BBC2's Newsnight proggy!!!! (Apparently it's "The programme that asks the awkward questions"!!!!!!!!!! Wot, like: "Minister.... Whjkfhg dsgjhds gjkhsdgjkdhg dshjgjsdgh?!?!??! Answer the question, please!!!!!!!!!!!!"?!?!??!?!)

Chaos- in your cranium!!!!!!

In any case!!!!!! Apparently, a little bit of randomness is not a bad thing!!!! In fact, according to one or two top boffins, a little bit of chaos in the brainbox department is quite normal!!!!!!!!!! "Quantitatively, such behavior is associated with a positive Lyapunov exponent, a hallmark of chaos" said some bloke.

Mind you, if they really wish to see some serious Lyapunov exponent action, then maybe they should stick their electrodes into Margaret Thatchers bonce!!!! Perhaps she might finally become of some use to Humankind!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you like videogames- you're brain-damaged!!!!!!

Well, this might not be of so much surprise to those who think that many games designers are themselves not exactly too full up in the intellectual department!!!!!!!! Apparently, some boffins have tested the braincells of kids play one game on an N64, and come to the surprising conclusion that it doesn't really stimulate the frontal lobe of one's mind in the same way as reading a book!!!!!!!

Well, so bloody wot, you might bawl!!!!! But apparently this is the beginning of the apocalypse according to the boffins behind this study!!!!!!!! U C, the frontal lobe is the gubbins wot does "play a crucial role in controlling behavior and in developing memory, emotion and learning"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"There is a problem we will have with a new generation of children- who play computer games--that we have never seen before," he said. "The implications are very serious for an increasingly violent society, and these students will be doing more and more bad things if they are playing games and not doing other things like reading aloud or learning arithmetic."

Er, well, the implications might be very serious for "an increasingly violent society", except that statistics show that we don't really live in one!!!!!!! And, anyway, I don't need scientfic research to tell me that anyone who plays videogames all the time is a socially maladjusted moron!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, given that the kids were only playing a single game on a discontinued console system, couldn't it be possible that the lack of frontal lobe antics might have something to do with the kids being extremely bored?!??!?! In which case, maybe for the sake of future society, we should ban "Crossroads"?!?!?!??! (That would certainly get my vote, I can tell you!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway, if you think the above quote was a bit over-the-top, "sober" UK broadsheet The Observer comes on all "News Of The World" with the same story!!!!!!!!!

COMPUTER GAMES STUNT TEEN BRAINS

Hi-tech maps of the mind show that computer games are damaging brain development and could lead to children being unable to control violent behaviour.

Blimey!!!! So if crappy videogames are "damaging brain development", how do we explain what's happened to the folks in The Observer?!?!?!??!

Still, probably the best comment on the subject was

They'll just grow up to be shitty gamereviewers who can't write. just like today's video game reviewers.

Dead actor says: I'm a childish masochistic exhibitionist!!!!

"Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult." - Laurence Oliver [Crikey!!!! Wot next?!?!?! Anthea Turner saying: "Presenting telly is really easy- if you're a complete moron!!!!!!!!!!"!??!?!?!?]

Conservative Catfight 2: Return of the old duffer!!!!!

Mind you, Toole might have a point!!!!!!!!!!! Never mind what she's like now, just take a look at flipping archive footage of Margaret Thatcher when she was PM!!!!! It was like the voters had entrusted the running of the UK to Dot Cotton from Eastenders!!!!!!!!! Luckily, at some point near the end of the 80s, the general public came to their senses, and her popularity plummeted!!!! At which point, the Tories quickly replaced her as leader before the lost the election (Or, at least, they put off massive election defeat for another 5 years!!!!!!!!!) Now she occupies the strange position of being God to Conservative activists whilst being an laughable lumbering old dinosaur and election liability to everyone else!!!!!!!!!

So you would have thought that any Tory "high heid yin" looking for electoral recovery after a second massive election defeat would try and keep her out of the way!!!!! But you'd be wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, she's just sunk their chances of recovering at the next election by writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph supporting the front-runner candidate Iain Duncan-Smith!!!!!!!! Hey Presto- tonz of news coverage, Tory activists jump over themselves to vote for The Anointed One, and the general public piss themselves laughing for the next 4 years!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the march of campaigning newspaper columnists continues!!!!!!!! The Scotsman's Bill Jamieson takes a rare break from his weekly paranoid "Europe=Satan!!!!!!" type columns to er, do a paranoid semi-"Europe=Satan!!!!!!" type column trashing Ken Clarke becuase he doesn't think "Europe=Satan!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!! (NB It even includes a contact address for a paranoid "Europe=Satan!!!!!!"-type pamphlet!!!!!)

Tool(e) to World Leaders: Are you a bunch of loonies?!??!?!

Let me warn you, dear readers, that age does not necessarily lead to wisdom!!!!! In fact, it's often quite the opposite!!!! It takes a lot of hard work to maintain one's level of intelligence at a later stage in life, and you'll no doubt be glad to learn that I am up to handling the responsibilities of being an elder spokesperson of my generation!!!!! (Which is not "Generation X" as you may think!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, it's probably more like "Generation F"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

So, if I were to, say, become an international world leader, then I think I could cope with this wizard wheeze!!!! A neuroscientest (Which means he's a brain surgeon, not a technition for "The Matrix" as you may think!!!!!!!!!!!) with the wonderful name of Dr James Toole is suggesting that world leaders get a regular check in case they go do-lally, and stick pencils up their nose, and a pair of underpants on their head!!!!!!!

It'll be interesting to see the Whitehouse's reaction to this proposal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Could Be Talking About A Certain Leadership Contest" type quote!!!!!

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. -JK Galbraith. [The only prob for the Tories is which one's which?!?!?!?!?]

Wind up the media- with a "wind-up the media" parody!!!!!!!! (And then tell them about it beforehand in case they're not wound up enough!!!!!)

Well, if "Mr Moral" IDS does get elected, it might be AOK if you want to get him morally PO'd PDQ!!!! So it could be a great 4 years for certain "satire" type folks who might want to knee him in his morals!!!!! And talking of which, no doubt even people on the furthest reaches of this great big onion (by which I mean of course, the Earth, not a literal great big onion!!!!!!!! That would be really nuts!!!!!!!!!!) must know about the media stink caused in reaction to Chris Morris' "Brass Eye" satire/edgy/alternative television show!!!! Indeed you're probably sick of hearing people saying "Oh isn't it funny that Mr Morris has provoked exactly the sort of media craptalk session that his show satirised!!!!!!"!!!!!!

Well, it might actually be funnier than that!!!! According to this little seen entry in the Scotsman Media Diary a few weeks before the broadcast, (Scroll down to the headline "OK Chris, you got us") when the Daily Mail got enough information about the show in order to make "Recommended TV Show Of The Day" on Thursday, and "The Sickest TV Show Ever?" on Friday, that they might got their information indirectly from a rather unusual source: Chris Morris himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!!)

Conservative Catfight!!!!!

Talking of which!!!!!!!! The former El Prez De La UK Tories has given his backing to Iain Duncan-Smith in the Conservative leadership battle, which to be honest is a little bit like Richard Madely paying tribute to the talents of Roland Rat!!!!!!!! Just in case he wins, and you're all worried about the bother of having to say "Conservative Leader Iain Duncan-Smith" all the time, don't worry- he's got a "Nice" nickname: IDS!!!!!!!!! Given that he appears to be ahead in the race at the mo, it looks like Her Majesty's Official Opposition will be lead by someone who sounds more like one of those treatments one gets at hospital for a rare tropical disease!!!!!!!!! The other choice is an old fat bloke (Kenneth Clarke- or "Ken" Clarke as he seems to be called now!!!!) who knows how to run the economy, but is disliked by most MPs in his own party!!!!! There was a third one by the name of Portillo, but he got voted out by the MPs for being too namby-pamby!!!! And now his supporters are even going on about the Tories getting even less popular than the Liberal-Democrats, led by "Cheeky Chappy" Charlie Kennedy!!!!!! (Not that some people think this a bad thing!!!!!!!)

All in all, it looks like the former "natural party of government" (Wot!??!?! Like, by genetics!??!?!) seems as cracked up as it's former female PM!!!!!!!! Mind you, it's not all laughs- there are also some really funny bits!!!!!!!!!!! Especially as some of the Conservative minded newspaper columnists start breaking ranks and pitch in for a particular candidate and trash the other one whilst trying to remain "objective" and deploring "backbiting"!!!!!!! Today's little beauty is from one Bruce Anderson, who claims to have been once a "deluded Marxist revolutionary", and is now presumably a deluded Conservative instead!!!! Well, at least if his bizzare but hilarious predictions about the Tories giving Labour a close-run race at the last election, and it's aftermath are anything to go by!!!!!!!! Anyway, he's telling whatever Conservative party members read his columns to go for IDS, after spending an entire article trashing Ken Clarke!!!!!!! (Not bad, considering who he originally supported...)

Mind you, it's not just the Tories!!! One fat-lipped former Labour heavyweight (Literally- almost!!!!) is getting a bit merry about various policy think-tanks that seem to be surprising the Labour govt by completely disagreeing with them!!!!!!

MP3 is dead- says clueless "tech" "reporter"!!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!! Apparently MP3 is dead!!!!! It must be, because Napster is dead!!!!! At least, so says this hilariously badly written article, which seems to think Gnutella is somehow MP3-free, and that lovely little services like this, this and even legit stuff like this don't exist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently while we've all been listening to our spangly "O-Town vs Anal C@%t vs DJ Blobhead Going Mental In A Sample Editor 'Tuff UK Garage' Mix" mp3s, there's actually been a battle in the corporate world between Microsofts WMA format and Realaudio's erm, Realaudio format for subscription audio listening stuffs!!!!! They also make some strange mention of people not being too keen on paying for music they've already bought!!!!!!!

Erm...!!!! I can see some problems with this "business model" straight away!!!!!!!!! That's even before the vaguely interesting mention of antitrust "inquiries" against the services!!!!!!!!

Hmmm... Maybe the record companies really need all those miscreants trading MP3s after all!!!! To show that they still have competition!!!!! And you can bet that our reporter Mr Haig will be saying at said juncture: "You might have thought MP3s died with Napster- but you were wrong!!!!!!!!" Speak for yourself, Haig!!! You're about as "with it" as your former Conservative leader namesake!!!!!!!!!! Ahem, where was I?!?!?!?

These pages are bugged- literally!!!!!!!! (Almost!!!!)

Well, of course, w3pagez with bugz are not exactly amongst the most unexpected of problems encountered by the average w3surfa!!!!! In fact, it's extremely common for one to go to a page and have some alert flashing "Javascript Fatal Error XXVVXVII in line 4321563456" just because some prannet doesn't know how to set up their jazzy "mouseover" script!!!!!!!!! (And I bet the mice are pretty cross too, at having to hang around the website whilst the script is getting "debugged"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) But here's one "bug" that's not obviously apparent- because it's 1x1 pixels in size!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this is apparently called a "bug"- or a tracking 1x1 invisible .gif file which can send and receive cookies for the usual "consumer profiling" so beloved by the idiot ad banner mob!!!!!!! Hang on a mo, isn't this extremely (as in 2 or 3 years) old news?!?!?!? I mean, ad banners and "web trackers" have been doing the same thing for yonks!!!! Why is it important now it's 1 pixel in size!?!??!! Because it's less easy to see?!?!?! Well, it's not as though you can't get webpages to track visitors without any graphics whatsoever- any big company can simply get their pages to track users at the server side level!!!!!!!

And hasn't the word "bug" already been used anyway?!?!?! Sounds like this version of "bug" was coined by some technophobic sub-editor who, when he books a flight online then catches a cold after the flight, wants to do a new front-page investigation on the problem of "viruses"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trust the Dutch to put a "dam" in it!!!! (Doh!!!!)

Maybe the unfortunate fellow in the story above should have emigrated to Holland before calling the newspaper!!!!!! Because a humungous hacker festival has happened there!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently there was a lot of talk about "laptop" and "wireless" hacking. Arg!!!! Does that mean that they can now hack my wireless, and make it tune itself to Radio Luxembourg!??!?!?! And how on Earth will they hack into the top of my lap!??!?!?!? Sounds a tad painful if you ask me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Troubleshoot a NetWeb Gremloid- and get shafted by spooks!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly!!!! I often wonder if the real reason our US-ian cousins are so "Big" on this Freedom of Speach malarky is that it makes it easier to shoot the messenger!!!!!!!!!!

Take this example!!!!!!!!! Some techie dude in an InterNetWeb SuperProvider noticed that a local newspaper w3sitey, run by a rival ISP, could be edited using Frontpage on a normal home PC compute- even if it was connected to tha SupeyDupey Inphoway Hi-Pipe with a really old (28.8K!!!!!!!) modem transceiver with one of those "acoustic couplings" with big suckers you stuck your 1970s phone handset into!!!!!!!!! (As opposed to other "couplings" where you stick something rather different in!!!!!!! But that's completely irrelevant to this story!!!!)

So, he kindly informed the newspaper of the whopping great big hole in their editorial quality control, netweb-wise!!!!!! Then he gets arrested by the FBI for some reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As usual, it's starting the usual paranoid "guns/freedom" type debate in some circles!!!!!!!! But I can tell you this, FBI peeps!!!!!! Next time I'm in the US, and I spot some dire security bug in the FBI's server which allows the FBI site to be edited via SpanglyW3Editor v0.2342242b on tha desktop, don't worry, I won't inform you lot- in order to save FBI time and resources!!!!!! You'll be needing that to track down all those hacker types re-editing the pages to "FBI suckxzkzz!!!!!111", won't you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, then- Planet of the Apes was crap after all!!!!!!!!!

U-no, I used to think that the reason that all those crap "blockbuster" movies (The sort that makes one wish to "bust" the "blocks" of the cretins who "greenlighted" it!!!! Or, alternatively, tie the miscreants to a train line, and "greenlight" a twenty squillion pound project to build a really spangly choo-choo train to travel in their vague direction!!!!!!!!! Woops were was I?!?!?!?!?!) Anyway, I always thought the reason that these movies always had posters with newspaper review quotes like

BRILLIANT!!! FAB!!! -The Sun

THE BEST MOVIE OF THE TRILLENIUM!!! -The Mirror

BETTER THAN 'DAD'S ARMY'!!!!! -The Mail

IT WAS SO BRILLIANT, MY HEAD EXPLODED!!!!!!! -The Star

was because the people in the aforementioned newspapers are complete and utter buffoons!!!!

But I was wrong!!!!!!!!! It turns out that the real reason is that they didn't watch the movie well enough and wrote a review ultra-quicko!!!!!!!! At least, that's this guy's excuse!!!!!! He also claims to have been overawed by the special effects to the extent that he didn't notice how boring the story was!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!! It seems even film critics are human!!!!!!!!!!! What exciting times we live in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW If you want a whole range of movie reviews, from the twerps to the brainyboxes, go here!!!!!!!!

Non-Blogger Blogger- from Blogger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, you might have thought they were completely dead!!!! Deader than a dead mans dead bits, including his dead mans handle!!!!!!!!!! In fact, you might have thought they were deader than me!!!!!!!! Only of course, I'm not dead, and neither is Blogger!!!!! In fact, there's some interesting new stuffs from Blogger which might be the next "paradigm shift" for the superinphopipeway netwebby!!!!! Which either means it's the next "Netscape" type thing, or the next "Pointcast"!!!!!!!!!! And it's all to do with the fact that I'm not actually posting this to Blogger!!!!!!!!!! Confused?!?!??! I certainly was!!!!!!!!!!!

But this page marginally helps!!!!!!!!!! There's some spiffy XML "protocol" thingy called XML-RPC that allows one to run a proggy on a NetWeb superserver by sending a little text file containg an XML command-line thingy!!!!!! If everything's fine in the XML command, it'll run the command, and give you back an XML message saying hello!!!!!!!! If it's not OK tho, it'll still send you an XML message back- telling you to go forth and multiply!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So bloody wot, I hear you roar!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, Blogger, the previously-really-"happening"-but-now-a-one-man-operation-automatic-netweb-online-webpub-website has made some of their website work on this new-fangled XML-RPC wheeze, and released the spec to all peeps!!!!!!!! Already there's tonz of little progs which can post to Blogland without going through tha w3sitey!!!!!!!!!!! And here's one, wot I used to post, like, this story!!!!

Amazing, huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's also getting a "this is a new paradigm shift!!!" type histrionics from Dave Winer, who, by a spectacular coincidence, is pretty big on XML-RPC!!!!!!!!!!! According to him, it's right up there with "Quark XPress, FileMaker, PageMaker, Eudora, Netscape, MSIE, StuffIt, and all kinds of other scriptable apps."!!!!!!!!!!

George Bernard-Shaw says: how to despair- be hopeful!!!!!!!!!!!!

He who has never hoped can never despair -George Bernard-Shaw [Unless of course he has had the misfortune to watch "Big Brother 2"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Back from the grave!!!!!!!

As I type this doggerel, one of the big superserver computes next to me is making a very strange noise through one of it's Pentium [Insert spangly "Intel Inside" jingle here, Mr Ad-man!!!!] fans!!!!!! It's going all squeaky and gurgling, and every so often it stops to make a WHUMP!!!!!!!-type noise like a "muckle" big "broadsword"!!!!!!!! (Not to be confused with my own "muckle" big "broadsword" of course!!!!!!!!!!!) It's sounds just like Madame Guillotine going to the dentists!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope it doesn't need an orthodontist before I can send this message!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot do you mean "Where the four fruit marmalade were you, you silly old duffer?!?!?!? I thought you were a corpse or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?!?!?!?!? Well, strangely enough, I was!!!!!!!! But now, I'm back!!!!!!!!!! Only, having come back from certain death, I shall have to take a it a little easier!!! So in fact, I shall only post when I bloody well feel like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quality, not quantity, that's my motto!!!! At least, that's what those party to my antics in the bedroom department might say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!