It's a F@£% Up- literally!!!!!!

Handy tip for TV broadcasters- if you have one channel showing a major public mass thingy in the Vatican City, and another showing hardcore rumpy pumpy- don't, whatever you do, get the soundtracks mixed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This site is really cheesy!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!!)

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought: "Hmmm!!!!!! I wonder what I would be if my personality could be represented by a dairy product!!!!!!!!!" I know I have!!!!! Well now you can find out with this fabby webby site called the Online Cheese Comparator!!!!!!!

So, for the record, here, apparently, is my "cheese rating"!!

Your name is: Old Fart!!!!
Your cheese rating is: Red Leicester

A hard, grainy cheese, coloured red with annatto. Red Leiceter ripens quickly, and is typically sold after maturing for 10 - 12 weeks, but can be left to ripen for up to 9 months.

?!?!??!?!?!?

Now that's wot I call a large "instrument"!!! (oo-er!!)

I've got a large organ!!!!!! And sometimes I even play it!!! But even that pales in comparision to this rather massive piece of equipment!!!!!

The Large Hot Pipe Organ is the world's only MIDI controlled,
propane powered explosion organ.

The only MIDI controlled instrument of this type??!?!?! I wonder why!?!??!?!

(Warning- some large image loading times at the end of tha webbypage!!!!!)

Today's little gem!!!!!

Love looks through a telescope, envy through a microscope. [And presumably people who write this look through an endoscope!!!!!]

Block Banner Ads- with a textfile!!!! (in Windows!!!)

U-no, the main prob with using cookies on your browsey-wowsey is thatwhen you're using a website on which cookies are vital, on the page there's usually some crap ad banner sending some "tracking" cookies you don't need!!!!!

Well, if you're using Windoze, then check this page, which contains infs on how to block ad hosts using a single text file!!!!!!!

It's cool- and it's pants!!!!!!!

If you want to really mess with the minds of "trendy" people with "media" glasses and not much hair, then point them to this product- because it's simultaneously "cool"- and "pants"!!!!!

How is this possible?!?!?!?! Erm, well, it's "cool pants" ie refrigerated underwear!!!!!!

Upmarket newspaper rips us off!!!!!

Well, now you know where the strange man in the above story is coming from!!!!!! So you probably won't be too surprised to see he's done something else fairly "with-it"... His latest column today is a flippin' printed weblog!!!!!!!!!!!

Upmarket newspaper says a naughty word!!!!

Didn't quite expect to see this sentence opening a piece in Scotland's oldest broadsheet newspaper, the Glasgow Herald!!!

"You should be allowed to press a "Bullshit Buzzer". When a politician tells a porky, when a car manufacturer claims their lump of steel will make you braver or slightly larger in the nether regions, or at any other time you sense that garbage is being talked in the pursuance of corporate or individual self-interest."

Cripes!!!!! If that was the Daily Record, it would be "bulls**t", "p*rky" and "n****r regions"!!!!!!!!

Itsa nother eddytorial!!!!!!

Well, this is the first post-submit-SC-to-loadsa-blog-portals issue, so let me say "greetings!!!!!!" to all the squillions of new readers!!!!!! You're probably wondering what the "fudge fancy" is going on!!!!!!! Well, good!!!!!! I like keeping you on your toes!!!!!!!! I'm not going to pre-digest this for you, intellectually speaking!!!!!!! And if you expect any intellectual regurgitation, then I'm afraid you're going to be a little disappointed!!!!!!!!! You've got some braincells in your noggin- flipping well use them!!!!!!!!!!!! Trouble with you young whippersnappers is that you don't learn to use the ol' grey matter!!!!!!!! Too busy watching flippin' "docusoaps" and listening to "Ibiza mixes"!!!!!!!!!! I remember when Ibiza was a decent place for dropout hippies!!!!!!!! In my day, you could get one "special" tablet, go to a "baelaric" club where young Mr Tong played stuff like "The Woodentops", and you could still have enough to get back to Cafe Del Mar and listen to some old Spanish bloke play hippy music!!!!! Now that's what I call a night out, my son!!!!!!

Ahem!!!!! Where was I?!?!?!?! Oh yes!!!!! I'm going to be adding a FAQ answering loads of questions wot I just made up!!!!!! And then the redesign of SC will move onto "Phase II", where there will be a proper index to the site, and you can browse previous issues of SC at your leisure!!!!! Until then, here's the old site!!!!!!!!

Luckily, there's no phases beyond "Phase II"!!!!!!! If we got to "Phase IV", then we'd all turn into ants!!!!!!!!!!!! And then it would be really hard to edit SC wouldn't it?!?!??!?! Unless we got ant-sized computers!!!!!!! Which would be possible if people making computers hadn't been turned into ants, but if they had, then we'd really be in a pickle!!!! We'd have to re-start computer technology all over again!!!!!! It would be years until we get anywhere near the level of technology required to operate a weblog!!!!!! Which would mean that there would be a bit of a delay in updating Senior Citizen!!!!!!!!

So, perhaps it just as well that the chances of this scenario happening are remote in the extreme!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old Fart reviews some weblogs that are really "big" in the London Evening Standard!!!!

Well, OK, maybe I am being a bit harsh about the above story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I might as well be fair and give the weblogs mentioned in the article a quick lookee over!!!!!!!!!!!

Now as usual with reviews, this is my personal opinion etc etc!!!!!!! One thing I notice is that a great amount of folks seem to have stopped using capitals on their titles!!!! Presumably because, it's a little bit boring!!!!!!!!!! (In which case, look at our logo for some tips on how to really use caps and lowercase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

• plasticbag.org- Boring!!!!!!!!
  
• No-so-soft- not bad!!!!!!!!!!
  
• riothero- nice design, shame about the content!!!!!!!!
  
• Kitschbitch- ace design, (especially the piccy!!!) but a bit boring on the content front!!!!!!!!
  
• Momblog- not entirely my cup of tea, but it's got a nice design and it's pretty well written!!!!!!!!
  
• fourohfour- Just like MTV's "The Real World" as a weblog- bllleeeuuurrrghhhh!!!!!!!!!
  
• vavatch orbital - this is more interesting!!! A man with a plan- Mars!!!!!!!! And he writes a lot!!!!!!!!!! And he's even discovered that old warhorse of sci-fi ezines, Intertext!!!! Cripes, I thought everyone had forgotten about that lot!!!!!!!!!
  
• The Breast Chronicles- a weblog, by and for mammaries!!!!!!!!!!! Erm, interesting "analysis" of the "issues" surrounding (often quite literally!!!!!!!!!) the upper region of womenfolk of course...
  
• Kylie and Scott go to London- Aussies paint the town red!!!!!!!! Well, they could have, I suppose- it would have made for a much more interesting weblog!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
• Confessions of a Wannabee Actor- Oh dear, that ominous word "confession"!!!! And a quote from Anne flippin' DiFranco!!!!!!!!! And an actor!!!!!!!!!! Head-up-anus time?!??!?! Well, it's not actually that bad really, as our Brian Molko lookalike heroine discuss the difference between fillm butterfiles and theatre butterflies, and other such minutae!!!!!!!!!! Nice design as well...
  
• Damaged- Nice design on the main weblog site, but not really that much to it... The journal section is decent tho.
  
• The Smack- Hey!!!!!! This one's quite good!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
• Doglog- hey!!! Slashdot for dogs!!!!!! In fact, they could have called it SlashDog, except that the RSPCA might get a bit cross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
• Cocky Bastard- Hoho!!!!!!! And he thinks he's cocky does he?!?!?!?! Still nice design- and good to see someone's out there kicking bottom, even if they're not doing as well as I am of course!!!!!!!!!!!!
  

So, in general some not-too-bad ones out there!!!!!!! Just wait till they get as good as SenCit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then they'll really be cooking!!!!!!

Old Fart fails to get mentioned in the London Evening Standard!!!!!!!!

I notice our esteemed publication fails to get mentioned in this article about UK based webloggers!!!!!!!! Probably because we're not some bunch of "bohemian" type people plastering our egos over tha W3 I suspect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As usual, you middle-class "feature" writers seem to miss the real story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's little piece of wisdom!!!

The New Year gives people a fresh start on their old habits.

Be a picturemaster- of your Viewmaster!!!!!!!

Remember ViewMaster!??!?!?!? You know!!!!! That funny red plastic "binoculars" type thing with a circular selection of slides, and you looked into the contraption, and it allegedly shows the slides in "3D"!!!!!!! Then you flip some springy switch and it moves onto the next "slide"!!!!!!

OK then, so you don't know what the four fruit marmalade I'm gabbling on about!!!!!!!!! But if by some microscopic chance you do, then you might be interested in this!!!!! The dudes who made ViewMaster are still around- and now they're letting you make custom slides from your own piccies!!!!!!! Tho I think they might draw the line at some of the piccies I might supply them!!!!!!!! Which is a shame, as I'd really like to send some ViewMaster slides to certain Songs of Praise presenters!!!!!!!!!!

This jewellery is arse- literally!!!!!!!!

Erm, I don't know what to make of this site!!!!!!!!!! It's called Rosebuds, although a more appropriate title would be Bumhole Jewellery!!!!!! Because that's what it is- lovely sparklers wot you put on your posterior!!!!!!!!

I can imagine it might be a bit of a bother when one wishes to do a "number 2"!!!!!!!!! But for those suffering from chronic diaorreah, then it could function as a very swish and upwardly mobile way to "plug" yourself up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Web Man predicts Web Log!!!!!

I had (and still have) a dream that the web could be less of a television channel and more of an interactive sea of shared knowledge. I imagine it immersing us as a warm, friendly environment made of the things we and our friends have seen, heard, believe or have figured out. I would like it to bring our friends and colleagues closer, in that by working on this knowledge together we can come to better understandings. [...] The dream is that if everybody works from day to day using the web as their notebook, mailer and calendar, [...] then the scaling problems of teams and organizations could somehow be solved.

So!!!! Who's this far-sighted fellow who sees the likes of Blogger as a step towards global harmony!?!?!?!? Why, it's good ol' Tim Berners-Lee, every European's favourite three word answer to some US person who goes: "We invented the web you limey assholes!!!!!!!!!!!".

Of course he's not exactly saying even this mighty organ (Ooo-err missus!!!!! Oh crikey, vicar!!!! etc.) will bring about world harmony!!!!! But in this lecture thingy he does called "Hypertext and Our Collective Destiny" he mentions that it goes someway to doing what this bloke called Dr Vannevar Bush was trying to do!!!!!!

Er, hang on!!!! Isn't that former US Prez George Bush's dad or something!??!?!?!?!? Does that mean we're going to have to suffer a Presedential Campaign with Al Gore claiming he invented tha NetWeb, and George W claiming his grandaddy invented tha W3?!?!??!?!?!?

MP3- it's like Shakespeare!!!!!

Nope!!!!! I'm not being my usual wacky self here!!!!! Some person in this article is comparing the two thingies!!!!!

Apparently the amount of bizzare bootlegs and pirated stuffs being traded on Napster/Freenet/Gnutella/PloppyTrader is starting to get a bit like the olden days, round about ol' Shake's time, when people used to rip off each others printed work and mess around with it!!!!!!!!

To be honest, it's not too much of a surprise- I mean, we've already had MP3s, like the Slim-Shady/Enya Remix, and there's even the suspciuous "remix" of Aqua's "Barbie Girl" I mentioned way back an old 1998 Senior Citizen!!!!!! But now you can record any crap punk band really badly, label it as a "Nirvana Bootleg (rare)", and peeps will download it like mad!!!!!!

The bloke in this article suggests "fixing" the official versh of a song by recording it onto a CD!!!! (Or put it on the band's official website, surely?!?!?!?!)

Protesters- learn web design!!!!!!!!

Looks like there's some hackers in the UK Fuel Protestors crowd!!!! Dis little webbysite got zapped by one of those new-fangled "hacktivist" peeps with his little public address on tha UK petrol tax "stramash"!!!!!

Nice one!!!!!! But why like most hacked sites, is the web design so bloody awful!??!?!?!? OK, you might not have been able to upload any GFX, but surely in this day and age you can add some stylesheet directives, and use some more tasteful colours, instead of the flipping ST Degas Elite system colors used here!!!!!!!!!! I mean, this is 2000AD, for Cliff's sake!!!!!!!!

Winer: don't "wine" about Open Source!!!!! (Doh!!!!)

You know those funny computing and business trends magazines who seem to pounce on everything new like it's the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, and then say it's complete crap when it fails to live up to their expectations within 6 weeks!!!!!! It's happened before with Java, now it seems like it's "Open source is complete crap!!!!" season!!!!!

There's been enough of them, that open source fan Dave Winer has taken it upon himself to write a nice detailed article about them, slagging them off!!!!

A bloke called "Winer" slagging off whiners?!??! Wot next? A bloke called "Windows" slagging off Microsoft?!?!??!?!?!

Mozilla- it's not crap!!!!!!

Looks like that highly amusing Suck article which decided, in typical Suck-y unreadable fashion, that Mozilla was "out", has encouraged more people to give it a go!!!!!!! I know it has in my case!!!!!!!! And the latest versh is actually getting pretty useable, as well as having a lot of interesting XML-based backend technology which is blurring the differences between tha browsey-wowsey and tha compute OS!!!! (Which in the case of Windows is a definate boon!!!!) Looks like the official Mozilla has got definate potential- and you can even get a not-so-big versh of it for all you Linux propeller-heads!!!!

And it looks like I'm not the only to notice it either- so has the person, who giving it a plug- complete with big screenshots!!!!! Of course, you get the usual Slashdot-type moaning gits adding comments afterwards, but then you would expect that, wouldn't you!!!!!!!!!!

The solution to MP3- format it!!!!

Well, no doubt you're probably a bit sick of hearing record company execs saying they want to cut the balls off Napster users, and sell their children into slavery!!!!!!! So here instead is an old MTV hack, who has an interesting idea for MP3- format it!!!!!!!!!!!

Nope!!!!!!! He doesn't mean format the hard drive!!!!!!!! In fact, he's making a vaguely interesting argument about being able to stitch MP3 in a fashion not unlike a radio playlist!!!!!!!!!

So even on your MP3 player, you're going to get some idiot blathering all over the end of the song, just like a BBC Radio 1 DJ!!!!! Either that or pause for a bit and make some comment that they think is terribly clever and witty, and pause again for people to laugh heartily and worship the very ground they walk upon- just like MTV VJs!!!!!!