A Fart In Dublin!!!! - Part 1!!!!!!!

Hello peeps from the city of Dublin!!!!!!!!! In the Republic of Ireland!!!!!!! If you don't know where that is, Old Fart 2 da rescue!!!!! Just take a world map, and search with a suitably ginormus looking glass for the little tiddly spots on the map marked "Great Britain"!!!!!!! The Republic of Ireland's in the little tiddly spot to the left!!!!! Well, the one that's not the Isle of Man!!!!!!!! Anyways, I'm in this jolly little net cafe in Grafton Street, as seen on this jolly useful map, typing in this crap!!!!!!!

Or rather, I would, because I'm now being told to get out because it's late and the owners want to go to bed!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well, C U (!!!!) 2morrow!!!!!!!!

Swimming- in simulated snot!!!!!

Hello peeps!!!!! Have you ever coughed some phlegm up, and then wondered what it would be like to swim in it?!?!?!?!? I know I haven't!!!!!!! But this lot have!!!!!!!!! They've stuck some "special ingredient" called Guar (So called presumably because it has the same consistency as fresh birdy-doo-dahs!!!!!!!!) into a University of Minnesota swimming pool to make the water more "gloopy", then swam around in it to see what it was like!!!!!!!! Dunno why tho!!!!!!! And they don't know either!!!!! But apparently it's "a lot more fun than casting membranes"!!!!!!!! Which to be honest, might mean the same as "a lot more fun than inserting a cruise missle up one's rectum" as far as I know!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chip on shoulder about chips on shoulders- about chips!!!!!

Now some of you might be dimly aware that with the crap weather and crap diet, all us Scottish folk are supposed to be dropping dead of heart attacks all the time!!!!!! Which is news to me I can tell you!!!!!! If I have dropped dead in the recent past I would certainly know about it!!!!!!!! So it's a nice breath of fresh air to read this article by some bloke, which also scores highly by declaring this previously unsaid truism:

Scotland's stony fields are in fact, particularly suited to growing turnips. People from other countries may wish for a clean tomato salad; dream longingly of freshly-picked mushrooms; yearn for Russian cabbage or sharp green peppers. Nobody in the history of the world has ever, ever thought, "What I really want tonight is a big plate of mashed spew" - which is what turnips taste of.

Give this gentleman a knighthood, I say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Straight Outta Westminster!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!!!! When I was a young man I didn't expect to hear of politicians cutting a hit record!!!!!!! But that's mainly because the gramphone didn't exist then!!!!! Which is a shame really, because I would have really liked to hear "The Sir Robert Peel Hot Five Go Beat Crazy!!!!!!" or "Benjamin Disraeli Hangs Loose!!!!!!"!!!!!!! But even in tha 60s, when everyone was supposed to be taking off all their clothes and smoking funny cigarettes, you wouldn't have heard of "The Sir Alec Douglas-Hume Jazz Explosion!!!!!" or "Harold Wilson Gets Funky!!!!!"!!!!!!!! In fact, the nearest we got was the Ted Heath Band, and that didn't even feature the real Ted Heath, but some bloke with the same name!!!!!! Talk about a swizz!!!!!!!!!!

So it's definately a bit of a shock to hear ancient Parliamentarian (By which I mean an old bloke wot was an MP!!!!!!! And not a former member of an influential funk band as you may think!!!!!) Tony Benn is now considered a rappy chappy!!!!!! At least according to this fabby webby sitey by CBM International, who are clearly down on their luck since people stopped buying their Amigas!!!!!!!!! "Tony Benn's Greatest Hits is a compilation album of memorable speeches delivered by one of the greatest orators of our time, set to music composed by a 21st century maestro." says some bloke. But they don't say which one is the bloke formerly known as Anthony Wedgewood-Benn!!!! For all we know, he might be a "21st century maestro", and all those speeches he made were complete and utter crap!!!!!!!!!!

So, sort it out el pronto, you buffoons!!!

Hip-hop: minus the foreskins!!!!!

Well, tha megamighty UK rap scene has already brought us the genius of MC Pitman, so it's about time the US caught up instead of giving us all the usual angry rappy chappies who go on about going to a club, drinking a lot of expensive alcoholic beverages, smoking a few "Jazz cigarettes", getting in a fight over who is biggest in the trouser department, then copping off with some female of the fairer sex!!!!!!!! Sounds like an average night down my local pub if you ask me!!!!!!!!!

Erm, where was I?!??!? Oh yes, the new trend in the US apppears to be: Jewish Hip-hop!!!!!!! Apparently, it's like ordinary hip-hop except it's not anti-semitec!!!!!!! Anyway, here's three new ones from this burgeoning new avenue of musical expression!!!!

• 50 Shekel!!!!!!!!
• Solomon & Socalled!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Two Live Jews!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I'm not entirely sure, but the last one may be a "joke" act!!!!!!!!!!

Hold ya mouf- about tha (Beautiful) Souf!!!!!

U-no, I've been occasionally gabbing away on the boards!!!!!! By which I of course mean conversing on the internet, not vomiting profusely on stage!!!!! And today I notice there's some discussion about "Defending the Indefensible: The Beautiful South"!!!!!!!! Which refers to the apparently impossible task of saying nice things about the popular music band of that nomenclature, not a strategy to defend The Channels Islands from The Germans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyway!!!!! Some folks were saying that some "ironic" combo called Black Box Recorder are like "The Beautiful South with cred" Hmmm!!!!! Does that make The BS (!!!!!!) the Black Box Recorder with decent tunes??!?! :) I dunno exactly what's "indefensible" about the South, as opposed to, say, Savage Garden or some other vaguely innoffensive middle of the road popuplar beat combo!!!!! I wouldn't exactly want to buy their albums, but I have to admit, they're a pretty decent singles band!!!!! In fact they're probably one of those band who in future will sell their "Ultimate Greatest Hits!!!!" type album with adverts that go "You may know more of their songs than you think you do!!!!" type voiceovers like they did with Crowded House compils and so on. I mean anyone remember:

• Song For Whoever?!?!
• Old Red Eyes Is Back?!??!?!
• A Little Time!??!?! (Which I think is pretty underrated, you know!!!! Espcially since it inched all the way to the top of the brit hit parade!!!!)
• Rotterdam!??!?!
• Don't Marry Her?!?!?!
• Even Perfect 10 is not too bad either!!!!!!

OK, they're not exactly the Jesus and Mary Chain, but their acheivement in the singles department certainly beats that of the Nolan Sisters, and I don't see no Nolan-hataz on tha NetWeb, so "Don't Make Waves" with the South!!!!!!!!

Call Stella- in a Polish accent!!!!!

Please call Stella. Ask her to bring these things with her from the store: Six spoons of fresh snow peas, five thick slabs of blue cheese, and maybe a snack for her brother Bob. We also need a small plastic snake and a big toy frog for the kids. She can scoop these things into three red bags, and we will go meet her Wednesday at the train station.

Hello peeps!!!! Have you ever wanted to hear the above in an Uzbekistan accent??!?!?! I know I have!!!!! Well now you can thanks to the wonders of tha megamighty super-broadband inpho-pipe webby thingy!!!!!!! Check out this spiffy w3sitey!!!!! It's called the "Speech accent archive", and it's got the above paragraph in 46 squillion accents!!!!!! (Er, well, actually, it's 264, but it seems like more!!!!) There's even an example from some bloke from Glasgow, Scotland, which is not too far from Sunny Milton, where I have my domicle!!!!!! (By which I of course mean my house, not an S&M dungeon as you may think!!!!!!) Tho, I'm surprised the young man talks like he comes from River City!!!!! For some extraordinary reason, they've missed out the unique accents of those young ruffians known as "Neds"!!!!!!! However, let Senior Citizen come to the rescue!!!!! Read the following paragraph through your nose in a medium-pitched whine to recreate the authentic Ned accent!!!!!!

Ehhhh.... Awwwrite, big mahhn!!!!!! Gawnee caww Shenga!!!!! Get hur to bring sum hings wi hur fae thi shoaps: baga peas, shum pure honkin cheese, and get shumpthin oot thi chippy fir hur brither Boab!!!! Also get tha Playstation oot for thi weansh!!! She can stickem in thae rid bags, and will get hur Wednesday comin at thi stashun oaf tha train!!!!!!!!!! Know wit am seyyyinh, biiig maaaaannn?!?!?!

Fear destiny's freedom? Don't want my memory!

• Don't give from your scene!
• Refresh quality? So, the today enjoys best.
• Gift lives super. Try your Friday to your sensation!
• Please refresh today to quality! Gift's sport introduces good for this again dream.
• My spring's scene is good of this style.
• Hope wonders cool.
• Friend loves giving. Worry that gift?
• Want! Hope's friend enjoys essential because of this quality.
• Don't refresh sad team! Freedom excites red with memory.
• The loving Tuesday tries styleful because of that vigor.
• Time enjoys super for my destiny. Quality?
• Don't take! So, team's heart?
• Love the special winter? Please wonder for my memory!
• This partyful spring wonders essential to vigor.
• Fun gives beautiful.
• That time loves pleasant with my sport's Monday.

If the idea of a jolly little Perl script automatically generating all of the above "Engrish" phrases is one wot floats your boat, then no doubt you will be rather enamoured by this webby sitey!!!!!!!!

What a load of pants!!!!!

Have you ever been into a bit of DIY!?!??! By which I of course mean making and fixing things yourself, not "playing the one-string bass" as you may think!!!!!!! Well, this w3sitey may be right up your alley!!!! Or it may not!!!!!! Because it's not actually about something you do with your tools!!!!!! In fact, it's a load of pants!!!!!! Literally!!!!! (Almost!!!!!)

Yes, we are of course referring to the sort of pants wot Sharon Stone does not wear!!!!! Which is a shame, because it would be probably be more interesting if she crossed her legs in that cineo-gram picture and you saw this!!!!! Well, know you know how to make it courtesy of tha megamighty supey-dupey w3 InfoPipe sitey here courtesy of some young chap from Japan!!!!! Which probably explains why there's a lot of stuff about sexy panties for female girls of the opposite gender!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what living in France does to you!!!!!

Now, I'm not one of those poltroons like those funny peeps from tha US who bash the Frenchies all the time, going "What have those cheese-eating surrender monkeys ever done for us?!?!?!?" (Well, apart from sinking the Brits navy and giving the rebels squillions of monet [ie munney!!!] in the Wars of Independence, and giving them the Statue of Liberty, I dunno either!!!!!! Anyway, aren't they supposed to be frogs instead of monkeys!??!!? And don't you Americans eat cheese!??!?! Or can we take this an admission of exactly why Kraft "cheese slices" are complete and utter crap!?!?!? Woops, where was I!??!?!?) Anyway!!!!!! I'm not anti-French, because they make nice red wine (Well, much better than my home-made elderberry wine anyway!!!! Only not as strong!!!!!) and Sacha Distell is a jolly good singer!!!!!! But I do worry about them being a bit too pretentious!!!!!!!! And then I see this letter from an Englishman in France, discussing WW2-based cult tellybox shows like Hogan's Heroes (Not Hulk Hogan, as you may think!!!!) and Fawlty Towers!!!!! No exactly a spiritual journey to one's navel, and you'd be totally wrong!!!!!!!

There is little joy to be had in Germans being misrepresented by Italians misrepresenting Americans mispresenting the English misrepresenting themselves misrepresenting the Germans.

!!!!!! I ask you!!!!!!!!! Of course, it could be worse. He could have said:

Il y a peu de joie à avoir en Allemand représenté mal par les Américains représentants mal d'Italians mispresenting l'anglais se représentant mal représentant mal les Allemands.

... Which would be even worse!!!!! Especially if someone said it, and some crappy subtitles, like those ones which look like they were done on a BBC model B, appear below their faces for about 2 seconds while they smoke a cigarette!!!!

"Old Fart is getting ready to total my race car"!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!! There's some spangly w3sitey wot goes by the name of Googlism, wot tells things about you based on a Google search of your nomenclature!!!!!! By which of course I mean you name, not your private parts!!!!!!!!! So, here's the goods on yours truly, and I have to say a lot of them are complete shit!!!!!!! I may be many things to many people, but one thing I am not is a "a medium reddish amber colored beer with a light beige head"!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Old Fart is recognized by a peculiar method of dressing [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is an attitude
• Old Fart is ranked 93 and has played for 1h57m in 30 days [Aha!!!!! Someone else who plays tiddlywinks!!!!!!!]
• Old Fart is a gag game
• Old Fart is smart enough to think for him self
• Old Fart is our regular guest writer
• Old Fart is telling you
• Old Fart is the biggest spammer in the history of the net [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is ranked 109 and has played for 48m in 90 days [Aha!!!!! Someone else who plays shove ha'penny!!!!!!!]
• Old Fart is meant to [... Wot?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is in jest
• Old Fart is going 3 [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is rambling about
• Old Fart is a rock music historian knows what he's talking about [Obviously someone's ready my impressively detailed book on the history of Five Star then!!!!!!!]
• Old Fart is an offensive phrase usually referring to someone in authority who is set in their ways or lacking a sense of fun
• Old Fart is due to finally sell up
• Old Fart is not gender [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is enough
• Old Fart is dead
• Old Fart is rambling again
• Old Fart is 29 today
• Old Fart is long past his sell by date
• Old Fart is talking and the other terms like "tonic" or "cold beverage"
• Old Fart is an offensive phrase usually referring to someone in authority who is set in their ways and lacking a sense of fun
• Old Fart is actually a good quality beer
• Old Fart is that of a particular one saved in a ziploc bag [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is out there windsurfing or skiing
• Old Fart is pretty messed up in the head
• Old Fart is far away from goin' senile
• Old Fart is an Old Fart even when it is a heavy [Wot, do you think I am, a hippy or something?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is all
• Old Fart is the guy we want
• Old Fart is ready to kill again
• Old Fart is out of retirement and ready to kill
• Old Fart is right
• Old Fart is just around the corner
• Old Fart is the only choice you got
• Old Fart is an idiot [NO HE ISN'T!!!!!!]
• Old Fart is duly being murdered by kashmiri's hoods he lets out a wail for "maula" and miles away maula who [You wot?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is going to get pissed and you'll probably be off the team and back on the farm on the next bus
• Old Fart is 73 years old and still can kick some serious booty
• Old Fart is ranked 120 and has played for 38m in 30 days real name
• Old Fart is looking for others to jam with in wellington
• Old Fart is drooling
• Old Fart is [... Wot?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is perhaps badmouthing or "dissing" you and or your friends
• Old Fart is that one starts to see the ebb and flow of human experience
• Old Fart is one of the better known [Better known wot?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is as well
• Old Fart is a far cry from the
• Old Fart is merely one of many pale imitators and dark imposters who have crawled out of the woodwork since the lsd craze of the 60's [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is losing sight
• Old Fart is climbing v10 on my wall [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is going to beat us with the rusty pipe
• Old Fart is gone
• Old Fart is gettin' better reviews from the history boys than the [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is signing off for now
• Old Fart is getting ready to total my race car
• Old Fart is so creaky
• Old Fart is becuase when it was her brithday
• Old Fart is that i've learned much of what we have missed through progress
• Old Fart is a medium reddish amber colored beer with a light beige head
• Old Fart is dwight helle [?!?!?!?!?! Learn to speel proper, young man!!!!!]
• Old Fart is still alive
• Old Fart is that goes by the barefoot handle [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is out of the house
• Old Fart is having to pay for everything
• Old Fart is so happy to have me back safe and sound that he is making concessions all over the place
• Old Fart is anyone regardless of age
• Old Fart is a real delight

And what it says for my place of abode is even wackier!!!!!!!! For example, I didn't know my town was "8 miles southwest of boston"!!!!! That means I'll be able to travel a mere 506880 inches in a northeasterly direction, and I'll be able pop into the Cheers bar, and see if Woody's still there!!!!!!!!!!!

This game is a piece of piss- literally!!!! (Almost!!!!)

U-no, for some extraordinary reason, folks seem to think the entire raison d'etre of this site is that of a urine extraction exercise!!!!! Well, if so, you are talking absolute piffle!!!! If I were to extract urine all the time, my bladder would explode!!!!! Just ask Colostomy Bag!!!!! (!!!) I use the "little boys room" just as much as anyone!!!!! By which I of course mean the toilet for the purposes of urination, not the dressing room of Busted, for an entirely different purpose!!!!! Mind you, having said that, I wouldn't be against the idea of using their dressing room as a urinal, but perhaps we're getting off the beaten track now!!!!!!!

But back to tha urine!!!! Which of course I expel, as any healthy man does, through one's joystick into a urinal whilst in the standing position!!!! Now, you might at this point be bawling: "Why are you referring to your male member as a 'joystick', in a not-very-impressive attempt at a double entendre?!?!??!" To which I would say, you're completely wrong, you saps!!!!! Because the use of the word 'joystick' is entirely appropriate for the context of this story- because thanks to some boffins at MIT, in future when you go to the 'bog' for a 'Jimmy Riddle', you too can use your todger as a joystick- literally!!!!!!

They call it You're In Control, and subtitle it Urine Control, just in case you didn't get in the first place!!!!!! OK, the joke may be crap, but tha tech isn't!!!!! According to their 'paper' on the subject, they use 'a grid of piezoelectric ceramic buzzers mounted to a flexible mylar membrane', stuck right in the bit wot you pee on!!!! Why?!??! So that one can use their "stream" to control a videogram game displayed on a tellybox above the urinal!!!!!!

Of course some of you female girls of the opposite gender might be feeling left out of tha loo(p)!!!!!!(!) Well, don't worry, the female form was fully involved in the testing of this revolutionary piece of hardware, mainly thanks to this handy thing, (!!!) called P-Mate, which allows allows females the considerable innovation of facilitating the process of micturation in a vertical configuration!!!!!! So, ladies, now you too can piss against a wall when you get caught short!!!!!!!

A loan company for tits- literally!!!! (In more ways than one!!!!)

Have you ever been reading your electronic mailbox, and thought to yourself: "Hmmm!!!! Maybe it's about time I got plastic surgery in order to get a pair of sexy woman's jugs on my chest!!!"?!?!?! I know I haven't!!!!!! So all you pillocks sending me spam mail along those lines can 'hoof' off!!!!!! (And those of you who send me spam for ways to increase the size of my todger stop it as well!!!!! I have no complaints about the size of my pink truncheon, and neither do those who are party to my excursions in the bedroom dept either!!!!!!! Anyway, if it got any bigger, it would disrupt the gravitational balance of the planet and send it spiralling off into the Sun!!!! So, for the sake of Planet Earth, stop trying to increase the size of my willy!!!! Erm, where was I?!??!?!)

OK, enough about my hectic sex life!!!! Let's talk about female bazongas instead!!!!!! And I'm not talking about those apes who wash their potatoes in the sea either!!!!! I am course talking about the part of a woman that bounces when she plays tennis!!!!! (And I am not talking about the ball either!!!!!!! In fact, that's not even part of the human boddy!!!!!) If you're a woman, and you feel the need to get attacked by a scalpel wielding plastic surgeon in order to obtain unfeasibly large knockers, but don't have much munney, then you might like this next link!!!!

They're called Breast Loan!!!!!! Nope, it's not a mammary rental service, like a video shopp!!!! In fact, it's the 'fun bags' equivalent of the Co-op Mutal Savings Bank in the olden days!!!!!! If you want dosh for your chest expansion operation, then this organisation could be the solution!!!! Well, OK then, they're just a loan company that gives out loans specifically for operation to augment laydeez 'titties'!!!! (As all those tough guy rappy chappies rather amusingly call them!!!!!)

Dunno about you, but this seems a bit pointless!!!!! Why can't you just get a loan from a normal loan place!?!??!?! And anyway you could save l'argent (Belgian for munney!!!) by sticking a bicycle pump on your nipples and blowing them up!!!!!!

Seems to me a like a right bunch of tits!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!) And anyone making use of them would be making a huge 'boob'!!!!! (Arg!!!! Nurse, my sides!!!!!!!)

Teletubby-fearing God botherer compares corny country band to continental poultry!!!!

Now, I'm not one of those coves who thinks that lately the United States of America has somehow devolved from Land of the Free into something like the Taliban, only with money instead of braincells!!!! What bunkum and tummyrot!!!! Why, you've probably still got a few years to go before that happens!!!! So, until they ban smiling, like that Roman Emperor Justinineninen, (Not related to the angry young rappy chappy Eminemenenmineminem of course!!!!!) we can have a good laugh at some herbert called Jerry Falwell, who I gather is a bit of a Reverend in his country!!! Mind you, Robbie Williams is also registered as a Man of God in tha States, it's not exactly helped his chart career over the 'pond'!!!!!!

Anyway!!! I understand they do religion a bit differently stateside!!!! Instead of standing in a pulpit going on about how they watched a local football match and how in a funny way it reminded them of Jesus doing something, US preachers celebrate mass by acting like a complete spastic on live television!!!!! Then all the people watching feel sorry for them and send them money, and then the process is repeated until the preachers go bankrupt or get caught with a strumpet!!!!! Which, if you ask me, is much more exciting!!!! If a little expensive!!!!!

This Falwell bloke hasn't had either happen to him though, perhaps because he's really good at saying things that are guaranteed to make peeps say: "Phew, crikey, wot a complete wally!!!!" Previously he'd slammed Tinky-Wink of the Teletubbies (!!!!! I ask you!!!!) for encouraging toddlers to become lesbian witches, then apparently lesbians and lefties were to blame for jumbo jets flying into New York buildings!!!! Now he's aiming his fire at some dreary band called the Dixie Chicks, who play this type of music I've never understood, called "Country", which apparently evokes an image of America which never really existed, is nostalgic for a time that didn't really happen, and is expressed in terms of a genre of music which isn't really particularly interesting!!!! However, he doesn't like them for entirely different reasons!!!! Nope, he doesn't think they're lesbians!!!! But it would be funny if he did, because the main reason they're famous is that during a concert in London they said they didn't like Bush!!!!!!!

Anyway, he seems to be in vintage wally mode in making pronouncements on the Chicks treasonous slur against His Holiness, Tha Shrub!!!!! Using the current fave US swearword, he referred to them as "French hens"!!!!! French hens!??!?!?! (Wot, as opposed to a complete and utter US cock?!?!?!) But there's more!!!! "Politics should end at the shore when you leave the country"?!?!?!?! (So when US troops leave their own country and invade another, that's them being apolitical?!?!?) And even better!!!!! "You don't talk about your own country, especially during war" (So wot do you talk about then? Basket-weaving in Bulgaria?!?!?)

Honestly!!!! You'd think Fallwell gets up early in the morning and practises in order to be this silly!!!