Volcano might cause a big splash- literally!!!!

Well, it might destroy the Canary Islands, New York, Florida, a good part of Morocco and the Brazilian coast, but it'll cause a good "swell" in surfer regions in tha UK!!!!!

It's all to do with the Cumbre Vieja volcano on La Palma in the Canary Isles, where you get pigeons from!!!!!! Apparently, the next time it erupts, "part of a mountain twice the size of the Isle of Man falls into the Atlantic" and causes a "mega tsunami" (which sounds like some 8 year old receiving a Britney Spears CD, then sneezing whilst asking for their mumy!!!!) which will splosh New York, Miami, and large parts of the Brazil coastline out of existance!!!!!!!

Mind you, by the time it reaches the UK, it'll only be 40ft high, so no doubt a lot of "surf" dudes will be out to "ride" the "surf", or whatever it is these young whippersnappers do!!!!! And just think- if you can ride the wave, you'll be able to surf straight into town!!!!! Mind you, there might not be any town to surf into afterwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wired says Jupiter moons are "wierd"!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, really hip-to-beat newsy service Wired has found out that "Jupiter's Moons Are Weird Places"!!!!!!!!!!!

And here's me thinking they were just boring balls of rock!!!!!!!!!! (Mind you, maybe Wired News was thinking of the incredibly boring 80s UK "soap opera" Jupiter Moon!!!!!!!!!)

Shock news!!!!!! Men are not "emotional mummies"!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, dear readers!!!!!!!!! Are you a man?!?!?!?!? Well, OK, I don't mean: "is the entire collective readership of Senior Citizen composed of just myself!??!?!?"!!!!!!!!!! And I certainly don't mean to ask if all 23 readers of this venerable organ (By which I mean SC, not my other venerable organ, which few have seen, but those who have have been most impressed I can tell you!!!!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!??!) have been combined into a gestalt super-entity whose gender is of the male variety!!!!!! I was referring of course the the individual reader wot might be reading this doggerel, and not everyone!!!!!! Erm... Where was I again?!?!??!?!

Anyway!!!!!! If you (the individual reader) are of the not-so-fairer gender of the opposite sex, wot you might not realise is that some might mistake you for the the other fair gender of the other opposite sex!!!!!! And what's more, they might think you're a crybaby, and that a baby has popped out of your bum!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not because just such people are complete cretins!!!!!!! Apparently there's some widely-held belief that men are "emotional mummies"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I wasn't aware of this!!!!! But don't worry, apparently, it's a load of crap!!!!!!!!!!! Men are supposed to have no problems with their emotions according to boffins, which is just as well, because until then I was walking around like a robot, and asking women What It's Like To Human!!!!!!!! (Actually- I was joking there!!!!!!!!!!! Or am I?!??!?!?!)

Mind you, given all the claptrap that appears to be talked about gender relations these days, I'm not too surprised!!!!!!! Take a look at this!!!!!!!!!

"People fervently believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but the data consistently suggest that this is either inaccurate or grossly overstated"

Hmmm!!!!!! Innaccurate!??!?!? Overstated!??!?!?!? I'd say it's bloody impossible in fact!!!!!!!!!!! Neither Mars nor Venus can support human life, you idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conservative Catfight 5: One Nation Under a Tory Groove!!!!

Well, it's a bit quiet after last weekend when people were queuing up to give a good kicking to anyone with British Nazi Party associations in the Conservative party!!!!! The BNP claimed themselves, with typical cognitive dissonance, to not really being in favour of infiltrating the Tories, having just boasted about having 150-200 of their members in the party!!!! Still, nice to see they're being about "welcoming" their members working for other parties and not being too honest about it, unlike nearly evry politcal party in the UK!!!!!!!!! Sounds like the sort of "democratic" party you could always trust, eh!!!!!!!! Perhaps they should just be honest, and rename themselves to "Lying Fifth-Columnist Nazi Morons R Us!!!"!??!?!?!??!

Ahem, anyway!!!!! Iain Duncan-Smith is a little upset after all this malarkey, and is making a jolly big effort to tell everyone he'll be nice to Johnny Foreigner, (Unless they come Europe, presumably!!!) and even that he's a "One Nation" Tory!!!! Which has caused much hilarity amongst certain columnists!!!! Mind you, some columnists are even more confusing in their reasoning!!!! One in particular, thinks that IDS might "drawn the poison" from the BNP if he becomes leader, as he will be an alternative to the current "consensus" on race relations, forgetting that:

1. The current consensus from Labour/Tory on race is: "Racism is bad, but Asylum Seekers are worse!!!! So we'll just call them Asylum Seekers instead, because everyone (Or, at least, the Sun) knows they're a bunch of filthy lying scroungers anyway!!!!!!!!!!"
   
2. As the columns notes itself, having a mainstream politician (Assuming of course IDS were ever to do this...) talk a load of racist cobblers will just encourage the boneheads on the fringes!!!
   
3. This assumes that the Tories will be the only opposition, and race is the only issue anyone's interested in!!!! But there's already serious talk of the Libdems, under "Cheeky Chappy" Charlie Kennedy, actually in danger of replacing the Tories as a serious oppostion party on a wide range of issues, which people might actually give a Scooby Doo about, thus providing an actual proper alternative to the Labour/Tory "consensus"!!!!!!!!!!!
   

The other big story was a little opinion poll for IDS-supporting broadsheet The Sunday Telegraph, which put IDS' support amongst Conservative members at 76% compared to 24% for his rival Kenneth Clarke, who immediately attacked the poll for perhaps being a little biased!!!!!! Of course, the "Torygraph" might have another reason!!!!! This interesting article hints that editors might have sided behind particular candidates because they hope to get knighthoods from them when/if they become PM!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I bet you never thought all this malarky might actually be due to Conservative party activists regressing their DNA to Cretacious Tertiary terms as a result of some people with long hair smoking a "French" cigarette in a field whilst listening to a "rave" with The Pink Floyd and Soft Machine in tha olden days!!!!!!!! But apparently it's really be the fault of the hippies in tha flowerpower era that the Tory party looks like a bunch of dinosaurs in tha new YK2 milleniumiunmimum!!!! U C, wot wiv the average age of Tories being around 63, apparently they missed all that "counterculture" type stuff in the 60s, and are supposedly too washed-up to understand Da Real World in 2001!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call that an excuse!??!?!? I'm an old duffer, and I've not been left behind by the Sixties, Seventies, Eighties, Nineties, or Zeros-ies!!!! So put that in your pipe and smoke it- and inhale!!!!! Unless of course, you're a non-smoker.

I know how he feels!!!!!!!!

A friend that ain't in need is a friend indeed - Frank McKinney Hubbard [Well, your mum's cupboard might be bare, but your noggin certainly isn't!!!!!!!!!!]

Boring golf tournament established yonks ago!!!!!!

Bet you didn't know the Walker Golf Cup Tournament was established today in 1922!!!!!!!! And I bet you didn't care too much either!!!!!!!!!!

Conservative Catfight 4: Watch out, Johnny Foreigner!!!!

Well, we've now had the debate on tha tellybox between the two Tory leadership candidates- and wasn't it a load of boring old shit?!??!?!? About the only notable thing about was Kenneth Clarke finally getting Iain-Duncan Smith to admit he wasn't too hot on joining the Euro!!!!!!!!! (Cue lots of bad "Clarke 'smokes' out IDS" type puns!!!!!!!)

Much more interesting is the increasingly bolshy ex-PM John Major, who decided to trash Thatcher yet again!!!!!!!!!! This time, apparently she's responsible for the early 90s recession, the 1997 defeat, and all those sleaze allegations which dogged Major!!!!! In fact, it's becoming a bit of a feeding frenzy in the Conservative party at the mo!!!!!!!

And as if things couldn't get any stranger, one of IDS' campaign has just been expelled from the Tories for being a bit too close to the British Nazi Party (BNP)!!!!! The old codger (Tho that'll earn no automatic sympathy vote from me!!!!) is one Martin Griffin, who is, erm, the dad of the current BNP leader, Nick Griffin!!!!

Of course, he's currently huffing and puffing about being hard done by, but I think if I were a member of the Tories since 1948, (This is just being hypothetical- please don't faint on me!!!!!!!!!!) I would tend not to do things like introducing my son to the pre-BNP "National Front" party!!!!! I would also think twice before manning the phones for my wife, who just happened to be standing for the BNP!!!!!!!! Indeed, the idea of installing a special BNP membership phone line in my house might suggest itself to be a little contrary to the idea of me being chairman of the local Tory association!!!!!!! And if I was found out, I certainly wouldn't go around saying things like:

The two parties are almost the same in terms of long-term plans. In terms of manifestos of the Tories and the BNP, you can hardly tell the difference.

... And then claim that I haven't damaged the party in any way!!!!!!!!

Of course, IDS is ultra quick to distance himself from such stuffs- which is rather odd, as he used to have rather similar views himself!!!!!!!!!!

Shock news!!! Holywood often rewrites history!!!!!!!

Apparently some folks in the wooly brigade broadsheet The Guardian have just found out that Hollywood movies often rewrite history with a pro-US slant!!!!!!!!!! (Why nobody has thought of doing it the other way around is beyond me!!!!!!!!!! Especially if it's some like The Comic Strip doing the honours.... )

Well, I never!!!!!!!! Next, we'll be finding out that even US webpubs are getting cheesed off at films comparing the British to the Nazis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shock news!!! Rich kids are spoiled brats!!!!!

I bet you didn't there's a lot of rich kids who are spoiled young whippersnappers!!!!! Actually, I'm being rather sarcastic there!!!!!!!!!! But this lot aren't!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently this is a new thing to them!!!!!!!!!!!

But luckily for these poor (OK, not literally "poor" obviously!!!!!!!! That would be a bit pointless wouldn't it!!!!!!!!!!!) people, along comes Dr. Susan Bradley, senior psychiatrist at The Hospital for Sick Children, professor at the University of Toronto and academic co-chairman of The Parenting Alliance says:

It doesn't matter how much you spend on your kids if you're teaching them to fend for themselves.

And luckily for parents worried about spending too much, they've finally found out about that Aibo robot doggy thingy we've known about for yonks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sony is planning a big splashy launch for a new high-end toy in Canada, a robotic pet that will "grow up," respond to its name, even learn words, all for the low, low price of $2,300.

Just the sort of hot info tip you might want if you still think it's last year!!!!!!!!!!

Radiohead- the new Beatles?!?!?!?

Bet Oasis are fuming now!!!!!!!!!!! All this received wisdom about having to make "classic" "traditional" "pop" songs, inspired by other "classic" "traditional" "pop" songs, that the average milk delivery sales assistant can whistle, in order to secure maximum Beatles Emulation Potential, Oasis do it to the full, and it doesn't work!!!!!!!!!!! (The obvious answer: why are you doing songs that milkmen can whistle?!??!?! The Beatles didn't become the biggest band in the world by appealing to such a narrow category of potential consumer!!!!!!!!!!!)

And then along comes Radiohead, release their two most wonderfully obtuse long-playing gramophones to date, and they've apparently become the biggest US concert draws since the Beatles and hit the front cover of Rolling Stone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot's no doubt really miffing off certain record company execs in this Post-Napster climate (Wot, with US record sales actually going down for the first time in yonks!!!!!!) is that "Radiohead and Capitol encouraged fans to copy and circulate free bootlegs of Kid A in its entirety across their own sites three weeks in advance of the album's official release, upon which it went straight to number one with no radio airplay, no video and no hit single."!!!!!!!!!

(Of course, old duffer like me remember tha olden days when Capitol was alone in allowing radio stations to play their gramophones, whilst other record labels complained that, yup, airplay cost them record sales because people could hear the tunes for nowt!!!!!!!!)

Iggy Pop & The Seven Dwarfs- in Glasgow!!!!!!

Well, as my 7 readers from Glasgow might be dimly aware, there's this big popular music festival being held in my home town of Glasgow (not, Auchenshuggle, as some of you may think!!!!!!!) this weekend, featuring "God of F@£%" Marilyn Manson (Who's been been up to his usual tricks by publicly trying to arrange a visit to the Uni of Glasgow's Anatomy Department to see their Collection of Dead People's Bits In Formadelhyde!!!!!!!!!!!) and cheeky rappy chappy Eminimenimenineinemineinimnieminem!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, this other boring little story (Main bit: Various Christian groups go "Oh no!!!! It's Marilyn Manson and Emineimeineimeinem!!!!!!!! We need to save our children!!!!!!") gives us some interesting info on the "riders" ie those lists of stuffs that primadonna popstars seem to need up "backstage"!!!!!!!!

Iggy Pop, the American musician, [Cripes!!!!!!! I thought he was Norwegian!!!! You learn something new every day!!!!!!] has made a request for seven dwarfs, while an unnamed performer has asked for a bald stripper with no teeth. [Sundays headlines: "US shock rocker in 'Granny Stripper' fury!!!!!!!!!!"] There has also been a request for 47 watermelons.

Kylie Minogue is not due to perform at the show, but her presence will still be felt after an undisclosed person demanded that a life-size cardboard cut-out of the diminutive Australian pop star should be displayed. [Handy enough if you want to cut it down with, say, chainsaw or something!!!!!!!]

However, at least one thoughtful musician at the festival has demonstrated some taste by asking for a Peter Howson print. [??!??!?!]

47 Melons?!?!??!?! I would have thought there would have been enough melons backstage, what with all those "groupies" and that baldy stripper!!!!!!!!!!!!

That lady's a cow- literally!!!! (Almost!!!!)

Have you ever had a walk in the country, looked across a field full of cows, and thought: "Hmmmm!!!!!!!! I wonder what would be the result if I were to given one of those bovine quadrupeds a good hard rogering?!?!?!??!"

Well, to be honest, I haven't!!!!! But if you have, the result, in addition to the myriad colonies of insectoid beasties on your "goolies" and the RSPCA price on your head, might be this thingie wot US boffins have acheived: a fertisilied cow egg with human DNA in it!!!!!! And they didn't even need to "get jiggy" with the cow to do it!!!!!!!! "Melding man and beast may sound like the stuff of science fiction, but it's not." said some bloke.

To Be Or Not To Be... Porno!!!!!

Hmmm...!!!!! Looks like some folks in the wonderful world of broadsheets have discovered a hot new "trend" in filmaking called... "Shakespeare Porno"!!!!!!!!!! In other words, blue movies... done in the style of Shakespeare!!!!!! Titles include "A Midsummer Night's Cream", and

Tromeo and Juliet (1996)- in which Tromeo masturbates to an interactive porn CD-rom called "As You Lick It" and Juliet calls 1-900-FUL-STAF for phone sex

There's even a prof taking an interest in it- one Richard Burt, a professor of English at the University of Massachusetts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quite how this is different to the long list of "adult" "dramas" based on other genres (eg "Sex Trek", "Saturday Night Beaver", etc., etc., !!!!!!) is one question which the article somehow fails to answer!!!!!!! Maybe they haven't noticed it, because they're a bunch of stuck-up knobs- which would be strangely appropriate when you think of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Books + Frogs = Sex Scandal?!?!?!

Well, as you folks might know, I do have a bit of respect for our friends over the channel!!!!!!!1 By which I of course mean the French, not ITV!!!!!!!!!! But now my respect for them is even higher!!!!!! Apparently they seem to have an annual scandal, like, every year!!!!!!!!!! And it's about books!!!!!!!!!! You know, the paper thingies, wot you read- with your eyes!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, this year's scandal is about some "sex tourism" novel set in Bangkok (Which is really appropriate, given that the name "Bangkok" has two double-entendres for the price of one!!!!!!! Not that residents of Bangkok have actually to pay for such a priveledge of course!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, the book is of the opinion that ladies from Thailand are jolly good in the bedroom department!!!!! And it slags of some tourism guide, and the boss of said book has got a bit hot under the collar!!!!!! Maybe he should make a mug of Horlicks and lie down or something!!!!!!

Volcano Eruption Buries Roman Porno!!!!!!

Apparently Mount Vesuvius buried Pompeii and Herculaneum today in 79!!!!! (That's 79CE, not bloody 1979, Kate Thorton!!!!!!!!) Amongst stuff that was buried were a lot of "naughty" images!!!!!! Which must have caused a bit of a ruffle in the midships of the Victorians who discovered them!!!!!!!!!!

Strangley pro-censorship quote from Jefferson!!!!!!

No governmnent ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will. - Thomas Jefferson [OK then, so is a free press good or bad, then!??!?! Answer that one if can!!!!! Woops, sorry I forgot- you can't!!!!!!!! Because you're dead!!!!!!! Harumph!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Sequel to Trainspotting: Porno!!!!!!!

Well, if you like books filled with junkie Scots taking lots of drugs 'n' booze 'n' sex, and having a "square go" with each other, written in an prose style slightly less penetrable than their accents, then you're in luck!!!!!!!! The doyen of Jerry Springer meets William McIllvaney, Irvine Welsh is doing a sequel to Trainspotting, called Porno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course the Guardian is rolling over and going "diddums" at the mere prospect!!!!!!!!!

Actually, Welsh is doing his darndest to update his portrayal of the just-outside-Edinburgh "town" where it's set, Leith, (It's so "just-outside" that you could walk down a road in built-up area of Edinburgh and suddenly, without any warning, you're in Leith!!!!!!!!!!) because it's starting to get a bit yuppified!!!!!!!!!! "There's bits from London, Amsterdam, San Francisco and the south of France as well, but it's mainly Leith, which is more interesting anyway," Which is just as well, because the portrayal of Leith in that movie was complete and utter shit!!!!!!!!!! For the record, I actually lived in Leith for nearly a year, and only got mugged by junkies once!! And they weren't wearing any cool clothes!!! And there wasn't any sleazy 70s Glam-rock playing in the background, either!! As I said to the doctor who did my stitches, that director Danny Boyle has a lot to answer for!!!!

Tho, not all Scottish writers are pleased!!!!!! One Ronald Frame attacked the "cliched brand of novels celebrating such dark subjects as cannibalism, necrophilia and sado-masochism"!!!!!!!!!! And Kenneth White attacked certain unnamed novelists, comparing their "grittier-than-thou realism" to the "remains of last night's fish supper, sauced up with sordid naturalism"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, they might have a point!!!!!!!!! How come Chris Morris gets toasted by the sections of the media for his recent show, but Welsh gets celebrated (usually by the same people!!!!) for his "lets-have-a-laff-about-working-class-schemies-having-drugs-and-sex" novels?!?!?!?! Actually, I think I know the answer to that one- they're a bunch of snobby middle-class idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's contradictory quote!!!!!!!!

Neurosis is the way of avoiding non-being by avoiding being -Paul Tillich [Er, hang on!!!! If you're avoiding "being" then you're "non-being" anyway!!!!! I think I might have spotted amassive contradiction there!!!!! Wot!??! You were being sarcastic!??!? Oh!!!!!!!!]

London one-way system: it's really old!!!!!

Apparently the world's first one-way street was started in London in 1617!!!!!! If that's how old their system is, no wonder it caused so many traffic jams!!!!!!!!!!

SC to ISP: "Coochie-coochie Coo!!!!!!!"!!!!

Would you ever entrust the technical gubbins wot runs your cool webpub to a toddler?!?!?! We would- and we have!!!!!!!!!!!

So, it's time for supercalifgragilisticexpialidocious 2nd Birthday Greets to the lovely people who host SC!!!!!!!!!!! By which we of course mean Blogger!!!! (Oh, and Freeserve are jolly nice too for hosting our old pages as well...)