Call Stella- in a Polish accent!!!!!

Please call Stella. Ask her to bring these things with her from the store: Six spoons of fresh snow peas, five thick slabs of blue cheese, and maybe a snack for her brother Bob. We also need a small plastic snake and a big toy frog for the kids. She can scoop these things into three red bags, and we will go meet her Wednesday at the train station.

Hello peeps!!!! Have you ever wanted to hear the above in an Uzbekistan accent??!?!?! I know I have!!!!! Well now you can thanks to the wonders of tha megamighty super-broadband inpho-pipe webby thingy!!!!!!! Check out this spiffy w3sitey!!!!! It's called the "Speech accent archive", and it's got the above paragraph in 46 squillion accents!!!!!! (Er, well, actually, it's 264, but it seems like more!!!!) There's even an example from some bloke from Glasgow, Scotland, which is not too far from Sunny Milton, where I have my domicle!!!!!! (By which I of course mean my house, not an S&M dungeon as you may think!!!!!!) Tho, I'm surprised the young man talks like he comes from River City!!!!! For some extraordinary reason, they've missed out the unique accents of those young ruffians known as "Neds"!!!!!!! However, let Senior Citizen come to the rescue!!!!! Read the following paragraph through your nose in a medium-pitched whine to recreate the authentic Ned accent!!!!!!

Ehhhh.... Awwwrite, big mahhn!!!!!! Gawnee caww Shenga!!!!! Get hur to bring sum hings wi hur fae thi shoaps: baga peas, shum pure honkin cheese, and get shumpthin oot thi chippy fir hur brither Boab!!!! Also get tha Playstation oot for thi weansh!!! She can stickem in thae rid bags, and will get hur Wednesday comin at thi stashun oaf tha train!!!!!!!!!! Know wit am seyyyinh, biiig maaaaannn?!?!?!

Fear destiny's freedom? Don't want my memory!

• Don't give from your scene!
• Refresh quality? So, the today enjoys best.
• Gift lives super. Try your Friday to your sensation!
• Please refresh today to quality! Gift's sport introduces good for this again dream.
• My spring's scene is good of this style.
• Hope wonders cool.
• Friend loves giving. Worry that gift?
• Want! Hope's friend enjoys essential because of this quality.
• Don't refresh sad team! Freedom excites red with memory.
• The loving Tuesday tries styleful because of that vigor.
• Time enjoys super for my destiny. Quality?
• Don't take! So, team's heart?
• Love the special winter? Please wonder for my memory!
• This partyful spring wonders essential to vigor.
• Fun gives beautiful.
• That time loves pleasant with my sport's Monday.

If the idea of a jolly little Perl script automatically generating all of the above "Engrish" phrases is one wot floats your boat, then no doubt you will be rather enamoured by this webby sitey!!!!!!!!

What a load of pants!!!!!

Have you ever been into a bit of DIY!?!??! By which I of course mean making and fixing things yourself, not "playing the one-string bass" as you may think!!!!!!! Well, this w3sitey may be right up your alley!!!! Or it may not!!!!!! Because it's not actually about something you do with your tools!!!!!! In fact, it's a load of pants!!!!!! Literally!!!!! (Almost!!!!!)

Yes, we are of course referring to the sort of pants wot Sharon Stone does not wear!!!!! Which is a shame, because it would be probably be more interesting if she crossed her legs in that cineo-gram picture and you saw this!!!!! Well, know you know how to make it courtesy of tha megamighty supey-dupey w3 InfoPipe sitey here courtesy of some young chap from Japan!!!!! Which probably explains why there's a lot of stuff about sexy panties for female girls of the opposite gender!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what living in France does to you!!!!!

Now, I'm not one of those poltroons like those funny peeps from tha US who bash the Frenchies all the time, going "What have those cheese-eating surrender monkeys ever done for us?!?!?!?" (Well, apart from sinking the Brits navy and giving the rebels squillions of monet [ie munney!!!] in the Wars of Independence, and giving them the Statue of Liberty, I dunno either!!!!!! Anyway, aren't they supposed to be frogs instead of monkeys!??!!? And don't you Americans eat cheese!??!?! Or can we take this an admission of exactly why Kraft "cheese slices" are complete and utter crap!?!?!? Woops, where was I!??!?!?) Anyway!!!!!! I'm not anti-French, because they make nice red wine (Well, much better than my home-made elderberry wine anyway!!!! Only not as strong!!!!!) and Sacha Distell is a jolly good singer!!!!!! But I do worry about them being a bit too pretentious!!!!!!!! And then I see this letter from an Englishman in France, discussing WW2-based cult tellybox shows like Hogan's Heroes (Not Hulk Hogan, as you may think!!!!) and Fawlty Towers!!!!! No exactly a spiritual journey to one's navel, and you'd be totally wrong!!!!!!!

There is little joy to be had in Germans being misrepresented by Italians misrepresenting Americans mispresenting the English misrepresenting themselves misrepresenting the Germans.

!!!!!! I ask you!!!!!!!!! Of course, it could be worse. He could have said:

Il y a peu de joie à avoir en Allemand représenté mal par les Américains représentants mal d'Italians mispresenting l'anglais se représentant mal représentant mal les Allemands.

... Which would be even worse!!!!! Especially if someone said it, and some crappy subtitles, like those ones which look like they were done on a BBC model B, appear below their faces for about 2 seconds while they smoke a cigarette!!!!

"Old Fart is getting ready to total my race car"!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!! There's some spangly w3sitey wot goes by the name of Googlism, wot tells things about you based on a Google search of your nomenclature!!!!!! By which of course I mean you name, not your private parts!!!!!!!!! So, here's the goods on yours truly, and I have to say a lot of them are complete shit!!!!!!! I may be many things to many people, but one thing I am not is a "a medium reddish amber colored beer with a light beige head"!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Old Fart is recognized by a peculiar method of dressing [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is an attitude
• Old Fart is ranked 93 and has played for 1h57m in 30 days [Aha!!!!! Someone else who plays tiddlywinks!!!!!!!]
• Old Fart is a gag game
• Old Fart is smart enough to think for him self
• Old Fart is our regular guest writer
• Old Fart is telling you
• Old Fart is the biggest spammer in the history of the net [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is ranked 109 and has played for 48m in 90 days [Aha!!!!! Someone else who plays shove ha'penny!!!!!!!]
• Old Fart is meant to [... Wot?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is in jest
• Old Fart is going 3 [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is rambling about
• Old Fart is a rock music historian knows what he's talking about [Obviously someone's ready my impressively detailed book on the history of Five Star then!!!!!!!]
• Old Fart is an offensive phrase usually referring to someone in authority who is set in their ways or lacking a sense of fun
• Old Fart is due to finally sell up
• Old Fart is not gender [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is enough
• Old Fart is dead
• Old Fart is rambling again
• Old Fart is 29 today
• Old Fart is long past his sell by date
• Old Fart is talking and the other terms like "tonic" or "cold beverage"
• Old Fart is an offensive phrase usually referring to someone in authority who is set in their ways and lacking a sense of fun
• Old Fart is actually a good quality beer
• Old Fart is that of a particular one saved in a ziploc bag [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is out there windsurfing or skiing
• Old Fart is pretty messed up in the head
• Old Fart is far away from goin' senile
• Old Fart is an Old Fart even when it is a heavy [Wot, do you think I am, a hippy or something?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is all
• Old Fart is the guy we want
• Old Fart is ready to kill again
• Old Fart is out of retirement and ready to kill
• Old Fart is right
• Old Fart is just around the corner
• Old Fart is the only choice you got
• Old Fart is an idiot [NO HE ISN'T!!!!!!]
• Old Fart is duly being murdered by kashmiri's hoods he lets out a wail for "maula" and miles away maula who [You wot?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is going to get pissed and you'll probably be off the team and back on the farm on the next bus
• Old Fart is 73 years old and still can kick some serious booty
• Old Fart is ranked 120 and has played for 38m in 30 days real name
• Old Fart is looking for others to jam with in wellington
• Old Fart is drooling
• Old Fart is [... Wot?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is perhaps badmouthing or "dissing" you and or your friends
• Old Fart is that one starts to see the ebb and flow of human experience
• Old Fart is one of the better known [Better known wot?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is as well
• Old Fart is a far cry from the
• Old Fart is merely one of many pale imitators and dark imposters who have crawled out of the woodwork since the lsd craze of the 60's [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is losing sight
• Old Fart is climbing v10 on my wall [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is going to beat us with the rusty pipe
• Old Fart is gone
• Old Fart is gettin' better reviews from the history boys than the [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is signing off for now
• Old Fart is getting ready to total my race car
• Old Fart is so creaky
• Old Fart is becuase when it was her brithday
• Old Fart is that i've learned much of what we have missed through progress
• Old Fart is a medium reddish amber colored beer with a light beige head
• Old Fart is dwight helle [?!?!?!?!?! Learn to speel proper, young man!!!!!]
• Old Fart is still alive
• Old Fart is that goes by the barefoot handle [?!?!?!?!?!]
• Old Fart is out of the house
• Old Fart is having to pay for everything
• Old Fart is so happy to have me back safe and sound that he is making concessions all over the place
• Old Fart is anyone regardless of age
• Old Fart is a real delight

And what it says for my place of abode is even wackier!!!!!!!! For example, I didn't know my town was "8 miles southwest of boston"!!!!! That means I'll be able to travel a mere 506880 inches in a northeasterly direction, and I'll be able pop into the Cheers bar, and see if Woody's still there!!!!!!!!!!!

This game is a piece of piss- literally!!!! (Almost!!!!)

U-no, for some extraordinary reason, folks seem to think the entire raison d'etre of this site is that of a urine extraction exercise!!!!! Well, if so, you are talking absolute piffle!!!! If I were to extract urine all the time, my bladder would explode!!!!! Just ask Colostomy Bag!!!!! (!!!) I use the "little boys room" just as much as anyone!!!!! By which I of course mean the toilet for the purposes of urination, not the dressing room of Busted, for an entirely different purpose!!!!! Mind you, having said that, I wouldn't be against the idea of using their dressing room as a urinal, but perhaps we're getting off the beaten track now!!!!!!!

But back to tha urine!!!! Which of course I expel, as any healthy man does, through one's joystick into a urinal whilst in the standing position!!!! Now, you might at this point be bawling: "Why are you referring to your male member as a 'joystick', in a not-very-impressive attempt at a double entendre?!?!??!" To which I would say, you're completely wrong, you saps!!!!! Because the use of the word 'joystick' is entirely appropriate for the context of this story- because thanks to some boffins at MIT, in future when you go to the 'bog' for a 'Jimmy Riddle', you too can use your todger as a joystick- literally!!!!!!

They call it You're In Control, and subtitle it Urine Control, just in case you didn't get in the first place!!!!!! OK, the joke may be crap, but tha tech isn't!!!!! According to their 'paper' on the subject, they use 'a grid of piezoelectric ceramic buzzers mounted to a flexible mylar membrane', stuck right in the bit wot you pee on!!!! Why?!??! So that one can use their "stream" to control a videogram game displayed on a tellybox above the urinal!!!!!!

Of course some of you female girls of the opposite gender might be feeling left out of tha loo(p)!!!!!!(!) Well, don't worry, the female form was fully involved in the testing of this revolutionary piece of hardware, mainly thanks to this handy thing, (!!!) called P-Mate, which allows allows females the considerable innovation of facilitating the process of micturation in a vertical configuration!!!!!! So, ladies, now you too can piss against a wall when you get caught short!!!!!!!

A loan company for tits- literally!!!! (In more ways than one!!!!)

Have you ever been reading your electronic mailbox, and thought to yourself: "Hmmm!!!! Maybe it's about time I got plastic surgery in order to get a pair of sexy woman's jugs on my chest!!!"?!?!?! I know I haven't!!!!!! So all you pillocks sending me spam mail along those lines can 'hoof' off!!!!!! (And those of you who send me spam for ways to increase the size of my todger stop it as well!!!!! I have no complaints about the size of my pink truncheon, and neither do those who are party to my excursions in the bedroom dept either!!!!!!! Anyway, if it got any bigger, it would disrupt the gravitational balance of the planet and send it spiralling off into the Sun!!!! So, for the sake of Planet Earth, stop trying to increase the size of my willy!!!! Erm, where was I?!??!?!)

OK, enough about my hectic sex life!!!! Let's talk about female bazongas instead!!!!!! And I'm not talking about those apes who wash their potatoes in the sea either!!!!! I am course talking about the part of a woman that bounces when she plays tennis!!!!! (And I am not talking about the ball either!!!!!!! In fact, that's not even part of the human boddy!!!!!) If you're a woman, and you feel the need to get attacked by a scalpel wielding plastic surgeon in order to obtain unfeasibly large knockers, but don't have much munney, then you might like this next link!!!!

They're called Breast Loan!!!!!! Nope, it's not a mammary rental service, like a video shopp!!!! In fact, it's the 'fun bags' equivalent of the Co-op Mutal Savings Bank in the olden days!!!!!! If you want dosh for your chest expansion operation, then this organisation could be the solution!!!! Well, OK then, they're just a loan company that gives out loans specifically for operation to augment laydeez 'titties'!!!! (As all those tough guy rappy chappies rather amusingly call them!!!!!)

Dunno about you, but this seems a bit pointless!!!!! Why can't you just get a loan from a normal loan place!?!??!?! And anyway you could save l'argent (Belgian for munney!!!) by sticking a bicycle pump on your nipples and blowing them up!!!!!!

Seems to me a like a right bunch of tits!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!) And anyone making use of them would be making a huge 'boob'!!!!! (Arg!!!! Nurse, my sides!!!!!!!)

Teletubby-fearing God botherer compares corny country band to continental poultry!!!!

Now, I'm not one of those coves who thinks that lately the United States of America has somehow devolved from Land of the Free into something like the Taliban, only with money instead of braincells!!!! What bunkum and tummyrot!!!! Why, you've probably still got a few years to go before that happens!!!! So, until they ban smiling, like that Roman Emperor Justinineninen, (Not related to the angry young rappy chappy Eminemenenmineminem of course!!!!!) we can have a good laugh at some herbert called Jerry Falwell, who I gather is a bit of a Reverend in his country!!! Mind you, Robbie Williams is also registered as a Man of God in tha States, it's not exactly helped his chart career over the 'pond'!!!!!!

Anyway!!! I understand they do religion a bit differently stateside!!!! Instead of standing in a pulpit going on about how they watched a local football match and how in a funny way it reminded them of Jesus doing something, US preachers celebrate mass by acting like a complete spastic on live television!!!!! Then all the people watching feel sorry for them and send them money, and then the process is repeated until the preachers go bankrupt or get caught with a strumpet!!!!! Which, if you ask me, is much more exciting!!!! If a little expensive!!!!!

This Falwell bloke hasn't had either happen to him though, perhaps because he's really good at saying things that are guaranteed to make peeps say: "Phew, crikey, wot a complete wally!!!!" Previously he'd slammed Tinky-Wink of the Teletubbies (!!!!! I ask you!!!!) for encouraging toddlers to become lesbian witches, then apparently lesbians and lefties were to blame for jumbo jets flying into New York buildings!!!! Now he's aiming his fire at some dreary band called the Dixie Chicks, who play this type of music I've never understood, called "Country", which apparently evokes an image of America which never really existed, is nostalgic for a time that didn't really happen, and is expressed in terms of a genre of music which isn't really particularly interesting!!!! However, he doesn't like them for entirely different reasons!!!! Nope, he doesn't think they're lesbians!!!! But it would be funny if he did, because the main reason they're famous is that during a concert in London they said they didn't like Bush!!!!!!!

Anyway, he seems to be in vintage wally mode in making pronouncements on the Chicks treasonous slur against His Holiness, Tha Shrub!!!!! Using the current fave US swearword, he referred to them as "French hens"!!!!! French hens!??!?!?! (Wot, as opposed to a complete and utter US cock?!?!?!) But there's more!!!! "Politics should end at the shore when you leave the country"?!?!?!?! (So when US troops leave their own country and invade another, that's them being apolitical?!?!?) And even better!!!!! "You don't talk about your own country, especially during war" (So wot do you talk about then? Basket-weaving in Bulgaria?!?!?)

Honestly!!!! You'd think Fallwell gets up early in the morning and practises in order to be this silly!!!

Microsoft: Piracy is OK- if you're a Chinaman!!!!!

Now, some of you peeps who are up on the old 'foreign strategic policy trends' malarkey might be aware that one of the major up-and-coming movers and shakers on tha hyperglobalistic world economy front is China!!!!!!!! Steve "Wacky!!!" Ballmer's chums in Microsoft certainly think so- they're selling their software there!!!! Strange thing is that they used to be completely down on piracy, but now they're a little less so- at least in the Far East!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently it's something to do with the main competition to Windows being completely free open source software like Linux, so what better way to compete with it than completely free hooky Windows software?!?!?! Except of course, if nobody actually buys a legit copy, then the whole argument falls down!!!! But then again, it's only Windows we're talking about here, for Cliff's sake!!!!!!!!!!

You may call it a bloody racket, we call it a design feature!!!!!!!!!!

This might make Jeremy Clarkson happy, or all those other funny blokes with whiny nasal voices that present "Top Gear"!!!!! Although I still can't see the point of people going on about "serious" cars and suchlike!!!!!! Or cars that are shaped like a todger!!!!! I mean, I used to drive a car that had a radiator resembling a female furry front-bottom, but I didn't go on about it!!!!!! Not that I need to advertise my magnetism to tha laydees anyway, it was pretty obvious, because it was, like, magnestism, really!!!!! But enough of my hectic sex life, let's get back to tha story!!!! Anyway, according to this story, you can now make your Reliant Robin sound like a Harley Davidson!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, we don't mean someone's glued Marlon Brando (From "The Wild One"!!!!!!!!!!) to the side of the car!!!!!!!!!!!!! No apparently, it's sensor controlled car radio that supplies some engine sound effects or some such lark!!!!! The inventors, the wonderfully named Jay and Jason Plugge, say that "we found we could make a Ford Escort sound like a Ferrari"!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmmm!!!!! I wonder if I could get the same technology to make my Skoda sound like a Scud missile?!?!?! That would really put the wind up the promenade next time I go to Margate!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Killing zombies is good for kids!!!!

And we're not talking about viewers of Hollyoaks either!!! I am of course talking about videogames on that PlayCubeStationX Ultra, or whatever they call the consoles this week!!!!!! Oh it wasn't like in tha olden days, when you had an ZX 453543452636562 (Model B) playing "Killer Ampersands"!!!! Those games really exercised one's imagination!!!!!!!!!!! Mainly because the actual graphics and sound were complete shit!!!!!!!! Unless of course you were one of those 12 year olds that wrote 'reviews' of games to "ZxxzZZzap!!!" (Or "Crash!!!", or "GOSUB!!!", or whatever games magazines were called back then!!!!) explaining the completely superfluous plot of the game in great detail, then leaving one line to say: "The graphics are brill and the sound is ace. 8/10."!!!!!!!!! Anyway!!! According to a group of boffins (Or should that be a "boffinete of boffins"?!?!?! Don't ask me, because I don't know!!!! OK, I'll calm down now!!!!!) apparently playing "Zombie Splatter Mayhem" or such like doesn't turn kids into junior-league fiends!!!!!!!!!!!! Which of course makes perfect sense!!!! I mean, if video games make a kid want to kill someone, what happens when the kid actually attempts it? Does he get out his joypad and try to "special move" his victim to death!??!?!?!? Somehow I think this is a bit unlikely!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Scientists have found "cosmic polarisation", which is probably not too surprising as this bit of info about 'polarisation' arised at a pole- the South Pole that is!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently it's called 'Uploadphonix', now!!!!!!!!!

Now some of you are probably all too aware of this thing that's been happening over the past few years where someone takes a vocal from Crap Pop Group A and sticks it on top of the music from Crap Pop Group B, thus making Crap Pop Gramophone C!!!!! In fact, there's been a jolly nice w3sitey called Boom Selection which has charted (!!!!) the growth of this phenomeneonenomom, culminating in the creditable Sugababes cover of a bootleg, which went all the way to the top of the hit parade!!!!!!!!!! Only problem is what do you call this movement?!?! Most appear to call it "MP3 bootlegs", but other, slightly more fashion-concious folks seem to be desperate to call it somethin a bit more "sexy"!!!! Like, "Bastard Pop" (I can imagine that one being used a lot on SM:TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and "Byterock" (I ask you!!!!!!!!!!!), but the latest is... "Uploadphonix"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least, so says some dude in this article with really big words!!!!!!!!!! Only thing, if he's so clever, how come he's only just found out about something that's been going on for flippin' ages??!?!?!?!?

Bombay didn't "Forget About Dre"!!!!!!!!

Now this a bit of a turn up for the books!!!!! Dr Dre (Which I used to think was short for "Doctor Doctore"!!!!! Like he's a rap doctor that tears up things!!!!!!!!! But apparently I wrong!!!!! Apparently he's not really a doctor at all!!!! It's actually an abbreviated version of his real name, Andre!!!! Followed by a slightly less abbreviated version of his real name, Andre!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!?!) Anyway, he was previously in NWA, (Which stands for Niggaz With Attitude and not Norwich Womens Association, which lets face it would be a really silly name for a gansta rap combo, wouldn't it!!!!!!!) and was thus invovled in many of their toe-tapping gramophones such as "F@£% Tha Police", and has since settled into becoming the Tony Visconti of tha hip-hop generation, producing numerous top hit platters by that angry young rappy chappy Eminimienimeineimnem!!!!! And he has some rather stiff views about people who rip off his work on P2P proggies like Gnutella/KaazzazazAAzZA/OpenDonkey/PloppyTrader!!!!!! So it's a bit of a surprise to see him getting fingered for ripping off someone elses work!!!!! Even more surprising to see it's that stonking Truth Hurts thingy "Addictive", which uses that old tune by Lata Mangeshkar, and then Truth Hurts sings and Rakim raps over it!!!!! In fact, it's actually based on an instrumental track by DJ Quick, so it's not actually a rip-off, but a remake of a rip-off!!!!! Mind you, Dre did work with DJ Quick and Quick gets the producers credit!!!!! It's Lata Mangeshkar (Who's only one of the most recorded artists in the history of recorded music!!!!!) that's not too pleased, and her record company in Bombay (Which is only one of the biggest entertainment capitals in the entire flippin' planet!!!!!!!) are wanting to sue for squillions!!!!!! The bone of contention appears to be that not only was her track ripped off, but Rakim said a naughty word over it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Argh!!!!!!!!!

"Already I do not know as have-of having me with this chaste one of people"!!!!!!!!!

Now!!! Some of you might dimly remember your fave w3zine (Senior Citizen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) doing a spot of el reportage on tha webby version of a jolly unusual tome named "English As She Is Spoke"!!!! Now of course, that was quite an ancient publication from tha olden days, so no doubt all you young whippersnappers were laughing and saying "Phew crikey Grandad!!!! Weren't old people in the olden days really thickoid?!?!?!?!?!" Well, laugh no more, because the boot's on the other side of the face now!!!!!!!! A rather smart young chap has decided to test the translations in this book against automatic translations from Altavista's Bablefish site, and has found out that Bablefish is just as bad if not worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Next time you're using tha mighty 'Fish (!!!!), don't forget, as the phrase translated from Portuguese to English goes: "The given horse if does not look at to it for the tooth."!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oi!!!! Blunket!!!! Shut it!!!!!!!!!

Amazingly enough, those really quick people in the "upmarket presses" have finally come round the startling conclusion that the current UK Home Secretary David Blunkett is about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside!!!!!! U-no, I don't think people would be so nice to him if he wasn't blind!!!! But seeing as he's all down on all this "political correctness" malarkey, I think it would be interesting if people started making silly faces at him whilst he's speaking, or wearing "Wot a load of cobblers, Blunkett!!!" T-shirts in his presence!!!! And when he finds out wot happened afterwards, we'll see if he "whines" like an "airy-fairy" "bleeding-heart liberal" about people taking unfair advantage of his blindness!!!!!

Nukes: Yaaawwwwnnn!!!!!

A jolly unusual point of view from one fiesty young woman here !!!! Zoe Williams argues that all this arguing about having Iraq potentially having nuclear weapons isn't going to impress a lot of people because during the Cold War, the "Evil Empire" back then (ie The Russians, and not Saudi Arabia as you may think!!!) had squillions of megatonnes of nukes, on rockets that could actually have a jolly good chance of hitting us, but that was OK because we had squillions of of megatonnes of nukes, on rockets that could actually have a jolly good chance of hitting them!!!! They called this little wheeze a "nuclear deterrent", and apparently a lot of people became comfortable enough with the concept that they are a bit blase about Saddam having them!!!!! Of course this line of argument assumes that the person in charge of the nukes isn't a complete "heid-banger"!!!! But then again, Brezhnev and Reagan managed to cope pretty well with them, didn't they!!!!!!!

Funny little man wot doesn't write for tha Herald!!!!

Wow, this is a jolly big surprise!!!! Long-term readers of my luvley organ (Senior Citizen of course!!!!) might dimly remember John MacLeod, that funny little man from the Western Isle wot writes for the Glasgow Herald!!!!! Except now he doesn't!!!!

It seems that writing eulogies about the Renfrew Ferry or writing fumilnations about homosexuals despite having been previously outed in gay magazine are OK, but it's apparently a bit of a no-no to write:

Had the parents of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman kept the Lord's Day, their daughters would still be alive. 'They would have spent the day at rest or the private and public worship of God, and not been wandering the countryside, prey for whatever evil finally befell them.

Or at least it was when the Herald got loads of complaints after it was published, leading the editor to give young MacLeod the order of the Shanks Pony via telephoney!!!!! Strangely enough, most of his collegues on the Herald are going all Voltaire on this affair!!!! U-no wot I mean: "I may not agree with wot you say, but I defend my job^H^H^H^H^Hyour right to say it!!!!!!" Actually the chaps in the Herald and elsewhere have been jolly nice to young MacLeod up until this point. After all, this sprightly 46 year-old has been a "former Young Scottish Journalist of the Year and Regional Columnist of the Year", (Which to be honest, says a lot about the state of Scottish journalism, youthful or otherwise!!!!!) and the Herald even moved his column to another day "to avoid the perception among fellow hard-line Presbyterians that he was writing on a Sunday"!!!!! Arrrgghh!!!!! Infamy!!!!! Still, perhaps if he did write another completely different column on the Sabbath, he might still be in his job!!!!! And there are even noises to the effect that he's might re-appear in the increasingly dotty Scotsman!!!! Right up there next to Bill "Europe = Satan!!!" Jamieson!!!! And Linda "Porn = Child Abuse!!!!" Watson-Browne!!!! And Kate "Politcal Correctness!!!!!" Grant!!!! And Martin "The Scottish Executive are a bunch of big girl's blouses!!!" Clarke!!!! Great, huh!?!?! Well, unless you're a Scotsman reader presumably!!!! Assuming such a creature still exists theze days of course!!!!

Who says punk is immature!!!!!!!!!

Now, the way this Queen's Jubilee malarkey was covered in the mass media, you'd think everyone in the entire British Isles was going "Cor blimey guv, God bless our Queen!!!!!" and had a Union Jack painted on their face!!!!!!!!! Well, I can tell you that's a lot of bunkum and tummyrot!!!!!!! It was just reported like that and then shown across the UK on big telly screens in public squares to an audience of about 4 tourists!!!!!! The main action was down in London where there was a truly awful pop concert (Which might have been more bearable if Will Young sung his current gramophone recording, "Light My Fire"!!!!) a really snazzy firework display with a few neat tricks borrowed from our continental friends, and a big parade thingy, which apparently drew a crowd of 1 million!!!! Mind you, that could have been the amount of people taking part in the parade!!!!! Anyway, it was a bit noticeably quieter up my end, in much the way that a Marcel Marceau performance could be said to be noticeably quieter than an exploding Doodlebug!!!!! So, in this end of civilisation, I can imagine this next innovation in popular music culture might catch on- Punk Lullabies For Kids!!!!

Welcome to the New York Times, Mr p7d8n1BMMuIIC!!!!

When doing some Ll3l3kl35t5t3t33 (Funny way hackers, spell "elite", isn't it?!?!? Maybe they should bring out a "Spelling For Dummies" book like that jolly nice "Sex For Dummies" book not so long ago!!!!!! Mind you, not that I needed read it of course- in fact, you could say I wrote the book on the subject!!!!! Except that it's not technically true!!!! In fact, somebody else wrote the book!!!!) Erm, anyway!!!!!!! Where was I?!?!??! When you're doing some Ll3l3kl35t5t3t33 surphing on tha infos superpipeway to tha megamighty NetWeb on your w3browsey-wowsey, haven't you ever thought: "Hey!!!! it would be a really cool idea if I assumed the identity of "mqD36TbEWsWaseD@FP8ofB.com"!??!?!?!" I know I have!!!!! Especially if one wishes to read stuffs on tha New York Times w3sitey, where you would need to register and log in to see anything, even if New York was hit by meteorite!!!!!!!! So congratulations ("and tribulations", or however that crap Cliff Richard song goes!!!!) go to this enterprising chappie for doing an NYT Random Login Generator!!!!!!! Now all we need is a CGI proggy to rewrite the articles, so that they're actually worth logging on for!!!!!!!!!

Industry middlemen are against cutting out industry middlemen!!!!!!

Here's US Record Industry head honcho Hilary Rosen on a plan by KaZzZAzZAAa or whatever they're called, and various hip band people (No Doubt!!!!! By which I of course mean the band No Doubt!!!! Although there's probably very little doubt that other hip bands might like the idea!!!!) to cut out the industry and pay artists directly for music downloads:

the most disingenuous thing I've ever heard. It's ridiculous

So, obviously no personal interest there, eh!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

"The last thing you want is for your television to find out you have haemorrhoids", says this bloke!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Wot a great acronym for a great program!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Oops, a famous celebrity opened their own restaurant again!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Oi!!! Stop playing with your knob!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Well, it´s certainly more interesting than "Kilroy Woz Here"!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Ali G is the new "Al Johnson"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Which to be honest, is probably more more amusing than his current cinematic excursion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Yay!!!!! Miracles can happen!!!!

Use an inkjet printer- and go to jail!!!!!!

By Jove!!!!!!! I knew a lot of US peeps are understandably still jumpy after all this terrible business with terrorists and so on, but this is taking caution a tad far!!!!!! Some zero-budget filmaker printed out a whole load of fake money to be used as props in his movie- then he gets arrested for forgery!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wot next- someone on a desert island waving a white flag to attract attention, and then getting arrested by tha Fuzz because it's not got the stars and stripes on it?!?!??!

Linkoid!!!

Yay!!!! It's the Eurovision Song Content again!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be voting "Ping Pang-a-Pong" by Beligum's Hardrock Bert & His Hot Poogy Express!!!!! (Wot do you mean they didn't win the Beligan finals!??!?! Oh, fiddlesticks!!!!!!!!!)

Holidays in Glasgow: 'dogshit'!!!!!!!!!!!!

If wading through beer cans, curry packs, cigarette packets and dogshit is what turns you on, then Glasgow's your dream place for a holiday.

Crikey!!!! And that's from the Rev. Ron Ferguson, who is, like, a bishop!!!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

When Britney Spears fans grow up!!!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Do you think if I say 'Senior Citizen is bloody brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!' enough, it'll get on Google?!??!?!

Linkoid!!!

Shock horror!!!!!!!!! Televisual advertisiments are a bit deafening on the old earhole!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

When all those bowler hat types say to hackers: "Why don't you use your skills for a proper job!??!?!?!??!", I don't think they meant this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Full Confidence" Alert!!!!!

Hey!!!! Here's a breaking news story!!!!! UK Transport Minister Stephen Byers (Wot a great name for a Cash 'n' Carry!!!!!!) has been in a bit a of a row with some people that might have resigned from his office, or he might have sacked!!!!!!! We don't know which!!!!!!!! And top of that he's been in a bit of a spot over problems with the railways, roads, the airports, and, well, basically everything he touches, and some peeps want King Blair to go el-choppo on him!!!!!!!! (By which I of course mean sack him, not... Er, actually I don't really think anyone suspected otherwise!!!!!!!!!! Unless they're really mad!!!!!! Or have similar thoughts about Anne Widdlecome!!!!! But I repeat myself...) But anyway, old Tone's just announced his backing for Byers, so that's OK then, apparently!!!!!!!! So bloody wot, you might howl!!!!!!!!! But, this is actually a great time for a political experiment!!!!!!!!! When Number 10 backed Byers, they were quoted as saying that they had their "full confidence" in him!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, that's right, UK political watchers!!!!!!!! The magic phrase "full confidence" has been invoked!!!!!!! So, according to past form by the UK govt in announcing their "full confidence" for troubled ministers, we can expect Stephen Byers resignation letter within the month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or can we?!?!? As an experiment, let's observe what happens in the next few weeks, and see if this magic phrase of doom still has it's legendary power!!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

U-no, I always thought those wacky US fundie types were flogging a dead horse, but I didn't think they meant it literally!!!!!!!!!!!!! (BTW Do they have a different Bible over there?!?!?! One that misses out the "Thou Shalt Not Lie" bit?!?!?!?)

Linkoid!!!

Now the Invisible Man can use IRC!!!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

If you decided to do a spiffy new "ad hoc" network with your wireless, would you give a name which sounds like something that nice young chap Will Smith would come up with?!?!?!??!?!

Go to tha Offies- in your Drawing Room!!!!!

Honestly!!!!!!! It's getting a bit hairy at the off-licenses these days!!!!!! Nope!!!! I don't mean they've turned into hippies and started selling Jazz ciggies!!!!!!!!! No, it's the to the millionz of "neds" outside chucking tenners at you and asking for "ah boattle of Buckie, big maahhhn!!!!!!!! etc. etc."!!!!!!! It's getting to the point where I need a tommy gun to get a bottle of gin!!!!!! Hopefully that funny Bush chappie won't subsequently lump me in with that Access Of Evil malarkey!!!!! (Anyway, I always thought Visa were better!!!!!!!!!!!!) Ahem, anyway!!!!! It could be get worse!!!! The neds could be hanging outside your house instead!!!!! And it's all thanks to tha NetWeb!!!!!!!!!That's because according to this slightly confusing article, there's a chance that selling stuffs on the w3 might lead to NetWebby Offies selling booze for motorcylce courier delivery- from someone's Sitting Room!!!!!!!!!!!! So in future, you'll be able to have a Lounge- in your lounge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Curling- the new Rock 'n' Roll?!??!?!

Well, congrats are obviously in order to Rhona Martin & co, for winning the first Brit Gold medal in the Winter Olympics since Tovrill & Dean fell down at the end of their interminable Bolero routine in nineteen-canteen!!!!!!! Wot a shame, it's for flipping Curling, which is exactly like bowling- only in Lapland!!!!!!! Still, it's quite amusing to see an incredibly boring sport which has had loads of TV coverage for squillions of years up my end suddenly become hip 'n' happening amongst London media types!!!!!!

Blog off, Blogs!!!!!!!!!!

Blimey!!!! Is it that long since the second day versh 2 of SC that I noted that some 1st generation bloggers were getting a little miffed off as 2nd generation bloggers who used stuff like, erm, Blogger!??!?!?!?!? Well, it seems like the mainstream press have finally caught up, like only 17 months afterwards!!!!!!! So, top markxzzx to Wired for really being on-the-ball and up-to-tha-minute there!!!! Especially as they're being a bit sniffy about a column by John Dvorak of PC World, which basically said the same things about blogs that Wired themselves said about Matt Drudge and online reporting in general!!!!!!!!!!! (Tho to be fair, they do give both "F&%£edcompany" and"F&%3ked Weblog" a mention...)

Talk about 'revealing sources'!!!!!!

U-no!!! I was reading some story in tha Wooly Brigade's fave papier, Tha Guardian!!!! It was about the usual music industry woes re Morpheus/Gnuttella/Limewire/PloppyTrader/Bearshare (Wot?!?!?! Is that a P2P thingy for "blue movies"?!?!?!? I think we should be told!!!!!!) and wasn't too much to write about, to be honest!!!!

Except for this!!!!!! The GuardyPeeps put their usual load of "related links" at the end of their story, just like any tired "old media" w3sitey!!!! And look at what they put as the top link!!!!!!!!! Before the linkos to the National Crime Sqaud!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

They finally picked the replacement member for Kym in failing made-uppie beat combo Hear"Say, and peeps are really pleased about it!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Fractals- in Javascript!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

If you're a multisquillion comglomeratery thingy and you're trying to swing a vote, it's a good idea not to get caught!!!!!!!

Naughty words- on "This Morning"!!!!

Just as well Richard & Judy missed this one!!!!!!! Apparently some young lady called Caprice was on Britain's deadly-dull morning TV show "This Morning" talking about taking part in some thingy she's involved in called "The Vagina Monologues", which, as the name suggests, is a dull-but-worthy "piece in which various ladies stand up and give the audience an earful about their furry front-bottoms!!!!

So bloody wot, you might roar!!!!! Well, OK, it's not really that contraversial these days!!!! I mean, we've already had Pupperty of the Penis performing live on the Big Breakfast at 8am in the morning!!!! (Albiet filmed from behind and from the waist up!!!!!) However, that was merely the horse doovre for a truly groundbreaking moment in tha anals of UK Daytime TV!!!!! "One of my monologues is called 'Reclaiming C@%$' It is very challenging." she said on a live telly-o-gram broadcast!!!!!! Which provoked the wrath of... one person!!!!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!! You just wondered how Richard Madley would have handled this one!!!!! He probably would have done a crap Ali G impersonation and said: "Errr!!!! Oh my God!!!! Oops, I mean, nah woman, innit!!! I is using the word 'punani', err, instead!!!! Aiii?!?!?!?"!!!!!!!!!!

Linkoid!!!

Damn you Microsoft and your full raw socket API!!!!!!

The Fast & The Furious- and that's just the customers!!!!!!!!

You might be dimly aware that by now a lot of breadheads in the gramophone industries are getting a little put out by the fact that Napster/Gnutella/LimeWire/MusicCity/P2P-Plopster are showing that the average consumer never was quite the loyal "revenue stream" they thought they were!!! To remedy this scourge of free music (And presumably, given the extent to which the music industry relies on freebies in the first place, "rationalise" their industry in tha proces!!!!!), they're now starting to make CDs that don't play on anything that uses CD-Roms!!! Or indeed, a great deal of "proper" CD players!!!!! Presumably this is meant to prevent piracy, or indeed any concept of fair use!!!!

Mind you, one other thing that it appears to be preventing is record sales!!!! According to this bloke, the first US release containing copy protection hasn't even scraped into the US top 200!!! And the "reviews" on Amazon haven't been too complimentary either!!!! Woops!!!!

Talk about "difficult" reviews!!!

U-no, some musinewsy peeps don't half write a wad of crapola in order to make themselves look interesting!!!!!!!!!! But even I didn't expect to see in this article, a review of Prefuse 73's elpee, which went like this:

"+87aZ{{skZixmZRJ+tbeatBY[:%?F&6&*;11))!!kccZRR
{{kkscc1î{cRRasmMRMJCACD
?IE)W\7;.-4%&/,51($$(6"

... and that's just the first line!!! Who knew reviews in obsfucated Perl could be so hip 'n' trendy!??!?!?

Does this make me Grandmaster Old Fart?!?!??!

This is interesting!!!!!!!! Some bloke is giving us a a potted history of the early days of hip-hop, and then at the end of it says it's a bit like weblogging, really!!!!!!!! Quite exactly how it's similar isn't really explained tho!!!!!!! But apparently "Much like blogging, rap depended upon a long history, but somehow- in an almost undescribable way- [Well, certainly for the purposes of this article, there's no 'almost' about it!!!!!] seemed different."!!!!!!!!!! Which probably means blogging's a bit like Skiffle as well!!!!!!!!!!

Technology Tamed- debtors drained!!!!!!!!!!!!

See NTL?!?!?!? U-no, the UK cable folks wot do the cable tellybox wires up my end!!!!! They used to do quaint "local" ads on their channels for things like tha Greasy Spoon Caff on Bollokshaws Road, Kirkintilloch, where you would get some faded photoshots of some of my friends from down tha Old Folks Home eating a chip butty!!!!! With some 'Pumpin' house chunes from some "library music" CD done by a company from Swindon!!!!! And some funny woman does a voiceover through her nose!!!!!!!! And she says something muffled like: "Why not come along to the Greasy Spoon Caff, at 18573 Bollokshaws Road, Kirkintilloch??!?!?" At which point we shout: "Because you'll die of Botulism, that's why!!!!!!"

Ahem, anyway!!!!!! They stopped that!!!!! Now they do digital tellybox thingymajiggies which also allow you to surf tha megamighty NetWeb InphoPipeWay on the world's crappest w3browsa!!!! It's like an Anti-Opera!!!!!!!!! In fact, it's so far from the user experience of Opera, it might as well be called tha Robert Plant Browsey-wowsey!!!!!! Certainly it's slow enough that you can imagine the long haired ruffian from Led Zeppelin wailing "Wahahahrglhglgll... Push!!! Push!!!! Baybee, babybee, baybee!!!!! etc.", like he did in that duffoid "Song Remains The Same" cinematic "experince", in order to fill in the time before anything actually gets done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woops, where was I?!?!?!? Oh yes, NTL, the company wot gave us the catchphrase "Technology Tamed" look set to be tamed themselves- by tha Banks!!!!! Yep, they've got into the "red" in monetary terms!!!! (Wot, like they've become Communist?!?!?!??!) And now the Banks are going to take them over!!!!!!!!!! By which I presume they mean their bank people wot they do banking with!!!!!!! And no the family of Jeff Banks, the fashion designer!!!!!!!!!!! That would be really stupid!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, what would they do, apart from doing "The Clothes Show- channel!!!!"?!?!??!?!

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga!!!! The next Quake?!?!?!

What would you do if someone comes up to and pokes you in the eye?!??!?! Would you kick the "shit" of said personage?!?!?!? Nope!!!! What you would actually do is say "Aha!!!! You've been playing the latest in cult Japanese video games!!!!!" And then proceed to kick the "shit" out of said personage!!!!!!!

That's because the latest in Far East video games action is a game by the name of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, in which you poke someone in tha fizzog!!!!!! (By which I course mean the "face", not a "sherbet fountain"!!!!!! That would be really silly!!!! Or maybe not!!!! Maybe this person likes a bit of sherbet!!!!! OK I'll shut up now!!!!!!)

Slashdot: next for tha chop?!?!?!

Crikey!!!!! Wot's going on wiv all those bloshy slashdotty w3sites in tha US?!??!?! I mean, Kuro5hin.org's been down with server probs for over a week, with some concidental conspiracy theories floating around about US secret involvement with one of their posters, now Plastic's inbetween servers, as they say- in tha business!!!!!!

Wots next?!??!! Is Slashdot going to get it's dot slashed next?!?!?!?!? (!!!!)

Giving them a bad name- literally!!!!!

I must admit to being rather amused (in the laughter sense!!!) when I read this story: "'Wee Free' Church accused of giving christianity a bad name"!!!!!!

No wonder!!!!! They definately are given them a bad name!!!!! I mean, can you possibly give Christians a dafter name than "Wee Frees"?!??!?!?!?!?!? I think not!!!!!!!!!

"Oh no!!!! Shoppers!!!!! Quick, hide the 'EXIT' signs!!!!!"

U-no, once I went into this rather large shop!!!!!! And I while I was looking for tha longjohns, I found myself lost in the hosiery section!!!!!!!! A mistake anyone could have made, as I said to the police officer!!!!!! But it would have been even worse if the shop had been run the peeps who run the shops in this article!!!!! That's because they would have removed the "Exit" signs!!!!!! At least, that's what they've done in their Online Shopps!!!!!!!

Wow!!! Petrol prices rose in 1956!!!!

Hey, get this!!!! In this day in 1956, the Suez Crisis forced up UK petrol prices to an "astonishing" 30p a galleon!!!!! Just as well things are not like that today, eh!!!!!!!!

ET Phone home- to find out wots playing on tha radiogram!!!!!!!!

Have you ever heard some beat music group pumping on tha radiogram and though: "This is a load of complete shit!!!!!!!!! I'd better remember the title of the tune and the group so I can tell all my friends to boycott it!!!!!!"!??!??!?!?!? I know I have!!!!!!! The only problem is, the DJ usually goes: "And that was [mumble mumble] by [mumble mumble]. And next..."!!!!!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!!!

But in the spangly future when we're all wearing cheesy silver jumpsuits (Just like in "Buck Rodgers in the 25th Century"!!!!!!!!! Bidibidibidi... etc. !!!!) it might be different!!!!!!! That's because boffins at Phillips (Who are of course related to Mark Phillips, The Duke of Edinburgh, who is married to tha Queen Mum- until she pops her clogs, that is!!!!!!) have developed a spiffy new gizmo by which you can phone up a phone number (On your phone!!!!!!!! You couldn't exactly phone it up on the egg-whisk, could you!!!!! That would be really stupid!!!!!!!!) and place tha phone receiver to the radio for a few seccys- and it'll tell you wot you are listening to!!!!!!!!!!!

Only prob!!!! Wot if it's a really crap record!!!!!!!! Will this compute superserver call up tha police, who will then arrest you for improper use of a criminal record?!??!?!??! And wots wiv this "Kids From 'Fame'" picture with the above article?!?!??!

Beep beep CRASH!!!!!!!!!

Nope!!!!!!!! I'm not talking about Sinclair Spectrums here!!!!!!!!!! Or even PCees minus tha sound-o-gram card!!!!!!!! I am of course talking about mobile phones!!!!!!!!!

Wot!!!!!! You didn't know mobile phones could crash!!!!!!! Well, apparently they can, and can do by merely receiving a text msg!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, it's another bizzare tecchy security exploit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky it doesn't work on my phone!!!!!! But then again, that's because my phone's so ancient!!!!! I call people on it in town, and folks come up and ask me why I've stuck my laptop to my cranium!!!!!!!!!!!

Literally overusing "Literally"- literally!!!!!!!!!!!!!

U-no how some daft tabloidy hacks like using the word "literally" a lot?!?!? Stuff like:

"Literally all kinds of cars are at this motor show!!!!!!" [Wot!!! Even Reliant Robins?!?!??!]

"Literally everyone who was anyone was at this film premiere!!!!!" [Wot, like, did they dig up Perry Como so he could go along as well?!??!?!]

"This funky chune is literally a classic!!!!!!!!!!" [Wot, like Jane Austen or sometihng!??!?!?!?]

And so on!!!!!!!! Well, according to this bloke, such people are a bunch of planks!!!!!! Literally!!!!!! (Well, not really- but they are as thick as two short ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!) In any, it would be safe to say they are literally a bunch of cretins!!!!!!!!

Talk about manic depressive!!!!!!

"I make myself laugh at everything, for fear of having to weep at it" -Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais. [Crikey!!!!! If I had a name like yours, I might feel the same way too!!!!!!!]

Coincidence or wot?!?!?!

On this day in 1965, Mary Whitehouse started her "clean up tha tellybox" campaign!!!!!!!!! Which is jolly odd, because last Friday, she ended it- by dropping dead!!!!!!!!!!

Scrooge- with copyrights!!!!!

I suspect some young whippersnappers might not have read Charles Dicken's "A Christmas Carol"!!!!!! So, if you have to explain to them what it's about, don't go "Oh you know!!!!!!!! It's the one with Scrooge in it!!!!!! You know!!!!!!!!! SCROOGE!!!!!!!! The miser!!!!!!!! It's set in the Victorian... Oh forget it, go and watch Hollyoaks then!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!! What you really should be saying is: "It's about this guy called Scrooge, who's a bit like Lars Ullrich out of Metallica", and they'll immediately understand what you mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's because according to some legal boffin by the name of Lawrence Lessig says that todays equivalents of Scrooge are excessive "copyright hoarders"!!!!!!!!

Blimey!!!!!!! Does that mean Napster is Ghost of Xmas Past, and Bob Cratchit uses Gnutella/Musicity/Freenet/Ploppytrader?!?!?!?

Hack a site- with Google!!!!!!!

Now!!!! Google!!!!! Rather tip-top searchy tool, no?!?!?!? And especially, if like, you have tha supey-dupey browsey-wowsey Opera, you'll be using it all the time for searching!!!!!! But it looks like some people are also using it- for hacking!!!!! Apparently you can use Google to search for vunerable NetWeb pages!!!!!!!!!

Now you'll have to find another boring Windoze game!!!!!

Some people said my decision to return to doing SC (By which I of course mean the venerable organ wot you are reading- with your eyes!!!!! And by organ I of course mean this w3page, not a Bontempi or Hammond "Leslie" thingy!!!!!! I mean, what would you be able to read there!!!!! Well, OK, maybe the labels on the buttons, but that would be really stupid!!!!!!) Erm, anyway!!!!!!!! They said the act of moi el returno to Senior Citizen would be like entering a minefield- literally!!!!!!!! I said: "Don't be so flipping stupid!!!! I have no plans to go anywhere near Afghanistan!!!!!"

Having said that, you can get a flavour of the unfortunate predicament of the Afghanis without risk to life and limb- by playing a game in Windoze!!!!!!!! Yes, I am of course talking about Minesweeper, the classic WinTelApp in which you randomly click at blank grey square until you die, or, if you're really good, carefully analyse each result in order to pick the next square to click, then when you have to make a guess, randomly click a square and die!!!!!!!!!!!!

But if you're playing Minesweeper as a sustained political thought experiment on the morality of landmines, what else do you play for fun?!?!?! Yes, that's right Freecell, the barely penetrable Windoze "card" game!!!!!! Until now!!!!!!! Yes, now there's a Freecell solver program!!!!!!!!

Now all we need is a "Minesweeper Solver", and show those US military folks in Afghanistan how to do it!!!!!!!!!

Clone claims crap!!!!!!!!!

Well, you might be dimly aware that some boffins have done a clone of a human bean!!!!!! Cue lotsa guff about Brave New World and Emergency Bills in the Houses of Parliament!!!!!!!!!!

But what our venerable representatives (By which I mean Members of tha UK Parliament, not Brian and Helen from Big Brother!!!!) might not know is that they might be passing a law against something which comes out of one's backside!!!!!!!!!!! Because it's increasinly looking like this "FIRST HUMAN BEING CLONED!!!!!!!!!!!" story is increasingly looking like a pile of crap!!!!!!!! And even worse, some "maverick" groups on the "fringe" are jumping on tha bandwaggon!!!!!!

Jack McConnell: The Next Osama BinLid!??!?!?

Well, Jack McConnell is now First Minister of the country wot I live in (Scotland!!!!! Not England, as some of you geographically challenged people might think!!!!!!! Actually, "geographically challenged" sounds like someone who is restricted in a geographical sense, and therefore might not be the most appropriate appelation at this juncture!!!!!! Unless of course you happen to be in prison!!!! Or you're in the US, have a slightly darker skin colour, and can speak other languages in addition to English!!!!!!!!! But in latter case, if you're educated enough to know more than one language, the chances are that you might be educated enough to know that Scotland and England are not the same flipping country!!!!!! Erm, where was I??!?!?!?) Oh yes!!!! McConnell!!!!! Comes across as a very nervous man, as tho he's manager of Partick Thistle Football Club!!!!!!!! (Or, as those who look at the tellybox scoreboard call it, "Partick Thistle Nil"!!!!!!!!!!!!!) But in the first couple of hours of being Top Scot Dog, he done away with 5 ministers from his cabinet!!!!!!! (Which is a jolly odd place to keep them if you ask me!!!!! Shouldn't they be in an office or something!??!??!) But it's even worse, according to this "analysis" article:

When Jack McConnell said there wouldn't be a night of the long knives he was right. This reshuffle was more like the St Valentine's Day massacre. Just when we thought we were in for a period of consolidation under the new first minister, suddenly there is blood all over the cabinet table and there are bodies lying on the steps of Bute House. Jack McConnell decided that he needed to impose his authority over a sometimes fractious ministerial team by the most ruthless means.

Crikey!!!!!!! Talk about Mr Dangerous!!!!!! Let's hope Georgy W doesn't decide to defend America against terrorism by straegically nuking Edinburgh!!!!!! That would really ruin the area!!!!! There wouldn't be any decent pubs left for a start!!!!!!!!

Make Your Compute Faster- cheat!!!!!

You know how it feels!!!!! Or maybe you don't!!!!!!! OK then, you can imagine how it feels!!!!!! Or maybe you can't!!!!!! But, anyway, if you can, you know how it feels!!!!!!!!!! Especially when you make bits of the insides for your PeeCee compute thingy!!!!!

Take for example, ATI, who made their lovely new videogram card for da PeeCee, and said it was really suped-dupey because it played Quake II faster than other cardz!!!!!! Then someone found out that when you rename Quake III to a different filename, it isn't faster!!!!!!!

Yep, you guessed it, the driver files for the card recognise the filename for Quake III, and slightly downgrade all the phung shading and texture raytracey bits so that it runs faster!!!!! And for some odd reason, some people are more than a little miffed at this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elvis- with a trowel!!!!!

Hmmmm... I would have thought people had stopped looking for an activity to be the "New Rock 'n' Roll" after "BritPop" was briefly the New Rock 'n Roll until someone realised that reheated rock 'n' roll actually wasn't really all that good!!!!!! But someone's still banging on about the New Rock 'n' Roll!!!!!! Which is, erm, Landscape Gardening!!!!!!!!!!!

So know you can swivel your pelvis in Shea Stadium- whilst doing the weeding!!!!!!!!!! Maybe they could get the Queen Mum to swivel her hips- it should be easy for her, as she's had so many hip replacement operations, she can probably spin her pelvis around, like a spinning top!!!!!!

Now it's not very funny- in Lego!!!!!

Now, this is a bit sad!!!!!! We've already mentioned people doing really sad things with Lego, like Lego album covers and Lego video nasties!!!!!!! But now Lego themselves have topped it all by merging one sad tradition with another to come up with what some folks might term to be "something completely different"!!!!!!!!! If they're complete pillocks!!!!!!!

Yes, I am of course talking about those young whippersnappers who decide to propel themselves up every right-thinking person's nostril by reciting sketches from Monty Python!!!!!!!!!! And the people who find it just as funny the 24 bazillionth time they've heard it!!!!!!!!!!! So wot do Lego do but give us, but Monty Python and the Holy Grail- The Lego Version!!!!!!!!! I ask you!!!!!!!!! What is the world coming to?!?!??!

Mind you, having though about it, maybe Lego are extracting tha urine in a very subtle way!!!!! After all the Lego People figures have a daft fixed grin- just like the prannets who re-enact Monty Python sketches 36 gazillion times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phew, crikey!!!!! Have I been in a TARDIS or wot!??!?!?

Here I was, just coming back into society after a couple of months hard coding as part of a megabucks ultraflashy XML w3project for a booze company, and I find the world's suddenly changed in my absence!!!!!!! Not only have a bunch of idiots flown planes into a major symbol of world capitalism causing untold death and destruction, and both financial and political ructions, the US is getting awfully angry about everything and seriously endangering it's "Land of the Free" tagline, and everyone else is getting all panicky!!!!! And that's even before all that Anthrax malarkey!!!!!!!!! I was waiting at the bus stop yesterday, and coughed a bit- and suddenly everyone speedily donned gasmasks!!!!!!!

Honestly!!!!!! Do I have to hold all your hands or something??!?!??!? What you young whippersnappers need is a bit of fortitude or whatnot!!!!!! Things might be bad now, but you'll get through if you don't all go mad running around like decapitated poultry of the avian variety!!!!!!! And I should know, I've been through the Blitz!!!!!

Maybe while Georgy W's still got high popularity ratings, he should rewrite that famous speech by Churchill!!!! (After all, he's ripped off "Those who are not with us are against us" from Jesus!!!!!!) You know the sort of thing: "We shall fight them on the beaches, erm, of Khandahar..." OK then, scratch that idea!!!!!!! Just bring back Vera Lynn!!!! It would be an improvement on Maria Carey, let's face it!!!!!!!!!!

Olympiad- gone mad?!??!?!

According to my calender, on this day in 1900, "after 5 months the Paris Olympic Games closed"!!!!! Why!??!?!? Had it run out of money?!?!??! Was everyone completely sick of it after 5 months, and started doing silly stuff!??!?!?! We need to know!!!!!!!!!!

Hey!!! It was Steven Wright, apparently!!!

Megathanx to Diana who emailed to say that the mysterious quote apparently from a stand-up comedian, actually probably was from a stand-up comedian!!! And the comedian was probably the very wonderful Steven Wright!!!! Not to be confused with the very wonderful Steve Wright In The Afternoon of course.

How to watch TV- be an idiot!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!!!! Even the folks in US-land are getting a bit hot under the collar about tha tellybox!!!!!!!! Accordingly to this angry young man, to watch the Tube (By which we of course mean tha Tellybox, not the ancient 80s beat music show on Channel Four!!!!!!!!!!!!), one must:

• Have an extremely short term memory!!!!!!!!!!!
  
• Believe everything one sees on tha tellybox!!!!!
  
• Ignore the ads!!!!!!!!!!!!! (?!?!?!? Isn't that a bit off-putting to advertisers!??!?!?)

Well, OK, you might bawl, that was hardly rocket science!!!!!!!!! And maybe that is exactly the point!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe the writer's watched too much telly!!!!!

Miney- from tha Big Briney!!!!

In the meantime!!!! While you're looking out to sea, waiting for tha big tsumaiamaini to give New York a thorough wash-up, what you might not know is that the mass of liquid H₂0 in which your eyeballz are trained is might be signposted "Warning!!! Extreme Ocean Mining Ocean No. 3!!!!!" in future!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's all thanks to a "lovely" bloke- literally!!!!!!!

Now I bet you didn't you know this, but when you go to Bridlington, Whitby or Skegness, apparently when you take a paddle (or piddle, as I sometimes do!!!!!!!!!!!) in tha big blue (By which I of course mean, the sea, not IBM!!!!!!!!!!!) that there could be molecules of dissolved gold under yur toenails!!!!! This is because the dissolved versh of the valuable yellow shiny stuff (Gold, not sulphur as you may think!!!!!!!!!!) is apparently readily available in tha big C- in dissolved form!!!!!!!! And the only reason Scarborough still looks like a dump, and not like Las Vegas, is that it's a bit hard to convert the dissolved versh into the non-dissolved versh wot you put in your lovley trinkets!!!!!!!

Until now that is!!!!!!!! A Umich Prof with the wonderful name Derek Lovley has found microbacteria called Extremophiles which can turn dissolved gold into solid gold!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately it's early days, and "Lovley says the process isn't efficient enough to interest jewelry makers, since it would take about a million microbes to generate a gram of solid gold dust."!!!!!!!! Erm, like, why not just use a million of them then!??!?!! It's not as though they're going to take up too much space, is it!??!?!?! Unless of course, they're as big as Norman Tebbit!!!!!!!!

Another reason to chuck your tellybox out tha window!!!!!!!

I don't believe this!!!!!!!!! OK, fair enough, Johnny Vaughn was probably the best presenter of UK TV CH4's "Big Breakfast" proggy- on tha tellybox!!!!!!! (Which is quickly scrabbling back to it's original format after a disasterous revamp!!!!!) But why someone has thought he'd be really great trying his hand at sitcoms is anyone's guess!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even worse, ITV seem to have got into their heads that what viewers really want is yet another bloody costume drama based on one of DIcken's tomes!!!!!!! In this case, it's Mr Micawber, from the Pickwick Papers, but it's virtually guaranteed to be some hammily acted overcooked costume disaster!!!!!!!!!!

The way things are going, it's not like one has to worry about the quality of digital telly these days, as the analogue stuffs seems to even worse!!!!!!!

Newsflash: you can cheat in web votes!!!!

Interestingly, the above article advances the interesting the UK indie shies away from reality, whilst US pop embraces it!!!!! So no doubt, the young whippersnapper Harris will be a bit miffed to learn that a certain MTV show might not exactly be following reality!!!!! It seems that certain miscreants at Interscope, record label to shouty metal beat combo Limp Bizkit and angry rappy chappy Eminimeinimeineimeininem, have been sending missives on their NetWeb MailyList to the effect that one should vote for their combos as much as poss on MTV's Total Request Live w3site!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!! Next, they'll be telling me some record companies pay good money to make DJ peeps play their latest gramophones on tha radiogram!!!!!!!!!!! Is nothing sacred?!?!??!?!?

Newsflash from US musinewsyhack- Britpop is crap!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, only about 4 years after muso journos over in the UK suddenly decided that Britpop wasn't all that up to much, a similar attitude seems to have been imported to tha US along with the latest UK Garage compil!!!!!!!! And like Wycliff Jean's rather clunky recent attempt at UK Garage, it's got a rather US-ian spin on it- to wit: "UK invasion" style-hype stories are complete crap!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially with the current acts being hyped as "Britpop", like Coldplay, Travis, David Gray (?!?!?), and erm, The Corrs (!??!?!? I'm surprised they didn't stick Boyzone and Westlife in for a laugh as well!!!!!!!!!!!)

Well, so bloody wot, you might say!!!!! Over here in the UK, we're well aware that the aforementioned bands are a bit tepid to say the least!!!!! And most of these "British Invasion" type stories are complete crap anyway, usually written by bored writers on either side of "The Pond" (A funny name for an ocean sized gap, given that it's generally bigger than your average horticultural water puddle!!!!) who wish they could have seen The Beatles at Shea Stadium!!!!!!

Apparently tho, this is really important, because hip 'n' trendy US maggy Spin says it's important, and we all know how important it is if Spin says it's important!!!!!!! The other important thing is that is by Keith Harris, who seems to be a rather narky man these days!!!!!! Also, he rather amusingly notes that the UK's "chief cultural exports over the past decade include the Spice Girls and the Teletubbies", forgetting to mention his artistic contribution to the previous decade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Also, a bit much, considering the amount of hyping The Strokes and Michael Jackson are getting over here!!!!!!) Actually, some of his critisms of the acts concerned are pretty fair- it's when he starts applying his slagoffs of the UK Indie scene to the entirety of UK culture that it really starts becoming amusing!!!!!!!!!!! (Mind you, if he tried to aim at just UK pop, he might have a point!!!!)

As per flipping usual, it dengerates into blinkered US/UK musinewsy hack in-fighting, as though the entire world seems to revolve around the usual tepid guitar band bollox!!! Don't expect anything about the increasing links between US and UK r'n'b/garage styles!!!!!!!! Nearly every big US rap/r'n'b act seems to be sticking some uptempo d'n'b/garage flavoured tune on their albums these days, and many of the newer producers are starting to put sounds reminiscent of the 90s Euro techno-hardcore stuffs used on early jungle tracks. Timbaland seems to be putting bleep 'n' bass elements on nearly all his tracks these days, not to mention a rather blatant "Dominator" style Beltram Hoover blast on Aaliyah's last single!!!!! And even Wyclef Jean has done a UK Garage powered single, for flips sake!!!!!!!!! OK, it's a bit clunky, (in the sense that the surface of the sun is a little warmish!!!) but at least he's made the effort!!!!!! And that's even before we get to UK acts like Craig David and So Solid Crew, who are actively pursuing the US market....

In the other direction, nearly every US rap/r'n'b single hitting the UK gets a UK Garage remix- in case of some rap tracks, the remix is actually an improvement over the original!!!!!!!! In fact, the idea of rap + UK Garage is already becoming popular in the underground, and is coinciding with a perceived "coming of age" of UK based rap, so there might be an "invasion" yet- just don't expect Spin to cover until they play guitars, paint their faces white and sound like the feckin Bootleg Beatles!!!!!!

If you ask me, those US folks should be grateful that we even gave them skiffle!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like a real Eastenders fan, eh!!!!!!!!!

"I am not the only person to question the wisdom of the BBC's decision to put EastEnders on three times a week." says the Guardian's on-the-ball TV "correspondant" Charlotte Raven!!!!!!!!!

Erm, I'm not entirely sure about that!!!!!!! In fact, most people would be questioning the wisdom of the popular BBC soap expanding to four days a week from it's existing format of three a week, which is what it's been doing for flipping yonks!!!!!!!!

Wot next!??!?! "I'm sure I'm not the only person to question whether this new fangled CD thingy will ever become as popular as 8-tracks cartidges!!!!!!"?!??!?!?!?

Mysterious unattributed quote day!!!!!!!

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. [Inclusing presumably the person who knew which stand-up comic did this little jape?!??!?!]

The Forth Bridge!!!!!!

Did U know tha Forth Road Bridge, that big suspsension bridge over some Scottish river next to the huge exoskeleton that is the Forth Rail Bridge, wot featured in Hitchcock's "39 Nine Steps", was opened today in 1964 by Her Majesty!!!!!!!! (By which I mean of course The Queen, not Prince Florian Wolfgang Von Stusselhauffen IV as you may think!!!!!!!) And anyway what happened to the other three road and rail bridges!?!??!?!

Volcano might cause a big splash- literally!!!!

Well, it might destroy the Canary Islands, New York, Florida, a good part of Morocco and the Brazilian coast, but it'll cause a good "swell" in surfer regions in tha UK!!!!!

It's all to do with the Cumbre Vieja volcano on La Palma in the Canary Isles, where you get pigeons from!!!!!! Apparently, the next time it erupts, "part of a mountain twice the size of the Isle of Man falls into the Atlantic" and causes a "mega tsunami" (which sounds like some 8 year old receiving a Britney Spears CD, then sneezing whilst asking for their mumy!!!!) which will splosh New York, Miami, and large parts of the Brazil coastline out of existance!!!!!!!

Mind you, by the time it reaches the UK, it'll only be 40ft high, so no doubt a lot of "surf" dudes will be out to "ride" the "surf", or whatever it is these young whippersnappers do!!!!! And just think- if you can ride the wave, you'll be able to surf straight into town!!!!! Mind you, there might not be any town to surf into afterwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wired says Jupiter moons are "wierd"!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, really hip-to-beat newsy service Wired has found out that "Jupiter's Moons Are Weird Places"!!!!!!!!!!!

And here's me thinking they were just boring balls of rock!!!!!!!!!! (Mind you, maybe Wired News was thinking of the incredibly boring 80s UK "soap opera" Jupiter Moon!!!!!!!!!)

Shock news!!!!!! Men are not "emotional mummies"!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, dear readers!!!!!!!!! Are you a man?!?!?!?!? Well, OK, I don't mean: "is the entire collective readership of Senior Citizen composed of just myself!??!?!?"!!!!!!!!!! And I certainly don't mean to ask if all 23 readers of this venerable organ (By which I mean SC, not my other venerable organ, which few have seen, but those who have have been most impressed I can tell you!!!!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!??!) have been combined into a gestalt super-entity whose gender is of the male variety!!!!!! I was referring of course the the individual reader wot might be reading this doggerel, and not everyone!!!!!! Erm... Where was I again?!?!??!?!

Anyway!!!!!! If you (the individual reader) are of the not-so-fairer gender of the opposite sex, wot you might not realise is that some might mistake you for the the other fair gender of the other opposite sex!!!!!! And what's more, they might think you're a crybaby, and that a baby has popped out of your bum!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not because just such people are complete cretins!!!!!!! Apparently there's some widely-held belief that men are "emotional mummies"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I wasn't aware of this!!!!! But don't worry, apparently, it's a load of crap!!!!!!!!!!! Men are supposed to have no problems with their emotions according to boffins, which is just as well, because until then I was walking around like a robot, and asking women What It's Like To Human!!!!!!!! (Actually- I was joking there!!!!!!!!!!! Or am I?!??!?!?!)

Mind you, given all the claptrap that appears to be talked about gender relations these days, I'm not too surprised!!!!!!! Take a look at this!!!!!!!!!

"People fervently believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but the data consistently suggest that this is either inaccurate or grossly overstated"

Hmmm!!!!!! Innaccurate!??!?!? Overstated!??!?!?!? I'd say it's bloody impossible in fact!!!!!!!!!!! Neither Mars nor Venus can support human life, you idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conservative Catfight 5: One Nation Under a Tory Groove!!!!

Well, it's a bit quiet after last weekend when people were queuing up to give a good kicking to anyone with British Nazi Party associations in the Conservative party!!!!! The BNP claimed themselves, with typical cognitive dissonance, to not really being in favour of infiltrating the Tories, having just boasted about having 150-200 of their members in the party!!!! Still, nice to see they're being about "welcoming" their members working for other parties and not being too honest about it, unlike nearly evry politcal party in the UK!!!!!!!!! Sounds like the sort of "democratic" party you could always trust, eh!!!!!!!! Perhaps they should just be honest, and rename themselves to "Lying Fifth-Columnist Nazi Morons R Us!!!"!??!?!?!??!

Ahem, anyway!!!!! Iain Duncan-Smith is a little upset after all this malarkey, and is making a jolly big effort to tell everyone he'll be nice to Johnny Foreigner, (Unless they come Europe, presumably!!!) and even that he's a "One Nation" Tory!!!! Which has caused much hilarity amongst certain columnists!!!! Mind you, some columnists are even more confusing in their reasoning!!!! One in particular, thinks that IDS might "drawn the poison" from the BNP if he becomes leader, as he will be an alternative to the current "consensus" on race relations, forgetting that:

1. The current consensus from Labour/Tory on race is: "Racism is bad, but Asylum Seekers are worse!!!! So we'll just call them Asylum Seekers instead, because everyone (Or, at least, the Sun) knows they're a bunch of filthy lying scroungers anyway!!!!!!!!!!"
   
2. As the columns notes itself, having a mainstream politician (Assuming of course IDS were ever to do this...) talk a load of racist cobblers will just encourage the boneheads on the fringes!!!
   
3. This assumes that the Tories will be the only opposition, and race is the only issue anyone's interested in!!!! But there's already serious talk of the Libdems, under "Cheeky Chappy" Charlie Kennedy, actually in danger of replacing the Tories as a serious oppostion party on a wide range of issues, which people might actually give a Scooby Doo about, thus providing an actual proper alternative to the Labour/Tory "consensus"!!!!!!!!!!!
   

The other big story was a little opinion poll for IDS-supporting broadsheet The Sunday Telegraph, which put IDS' support amongst Conservative members at 76% compared to 24% for his rival Kenneth Clarke, who immediately attacked the poll for perhaps being a little biased!!!!!! Of course, the "Torygraph" might have another reason!!!!! This interesting article hints that editors might have sided behind particular candidates because they hope to get knighthoods from them when/if they become PM!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I bet you never thought all this malarky might actually be due to Conservative party activists regressing their DNA to Cretacious Tertiary terms as a result of some people with long hair smoking a "French" cigarette in a field whilst listening to a "rave" with The Pink Floyd and Soft Machine in tha olden days!!!!!!!! But apparently it's really be the fault of the hippies in tha flowerpower era that the Tory party looks like a bunch of dinosaurs in tha new YK2 milleniumiunmimum!!!! U C, wot wiv the average age of Tories being around 63, apparently they missed all that "counterculture" type stuff in the 60s, and are supposedly too washed-up to understand Da Real World in 2001!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call that an excuse!??!?!? I'm an old duffer, and I've not been left behind by the Sixties, Seventies, Eighties, Nineties, or Zeros-ies!!!! So put that in your pipe and smoke it- and inhale!!!!! Unless of course, you're a non-smoker.

I know how he feels!!!!!!!!

A friend that ain't in need is a friend indeed - Frank McKinney Hubbard [Well, your mum's cupboard might be bare, but your noggin certainly isn't!!!!!!!!!!]

Boring golf tournament established yonks ago!!!!!!

Bet you didn't know the Walker Golf Cup Tournament was established today in 1922!!!!!!!! And I bet you didn't care too much either!!!!!!!!!!