Frothing at the mouth- over a bloke called "Stan"!!!!!

Well, that was nice review wasn't it?!?!??!? At least it didn't read like:

Omnipresent by the time you read this, and still the finest track off his coruscating 'The Marshall Mathers LP' opus, over-familiarity cannot dull the mesmerising power of Eminem's dissection of the artist/fan interface. Right now, this is the definitive statement on the whole modern, post-Diana malaise of celeb culture

Crikey!!!!!!! They might be going all "Pop" these days, but NME can still do head-up-the-rectum prose with the best of them, as featured in this revoo of that rappy chappy Eminimeniemneimnimem's latest 7" gramophone!!!!!!!!!

Old Fart watches an old 80s band!!!!!!

U-no, it's been such a long time since I heard that funny DJ personage Tony Blackburn announce on the chart show on tha radiogram a "zzzeennnzzzational!!!!" new entry called "Planet Earth" by a new band called "Duhrrin-duhrrin"!!!!!!!!!! And about 10 minutes later, he announced that an inordinate amount of listeners had called up to inform him that the band was actually called Duran Duran!!!!!!! Well, on Sunday, I finally managed to see this fabled band!!!!!!! Only they're not as young as they used to be!!!!!!! And Simon Le Bon doesn't do that funny "new romantic" dance he did in that "Planet Earth" video!!!!!!!!! In fact, they didn't do "Planet Earth" at all!!!!!!!! And they've mysteriously mutated from a bunchy of synthy dudes in garish suits to a hugely efficient stadium rock band!!!!!!!!! Cripes!!!!!!!!

So it's just as well I went along with a few friends (Some of whom were old enough to remember tha Duran, and some who weren't!!!!! "Wow!!! I didn't know they did 'Save a Prayer'!!!!" Well, who did you think did it then?!?!?! Westlife?!?!?!?!) and got roaring drunk beforehand at some nice restaurant in the old Rotunda thingy on the side of the Clyde!!!!!!!!!!!! And just a short stagger up the road is the blatant Sydney Opera House rip-off of the Clyde Auditorium where our musical entertainment was going to take place!!!!

We didn't know who the support act were tho!!! "Begins with an E..." said one, "Begins with an A..." said another!!!!! "Maybe the people in the cloakrooms know who it is" said the folk at the merchandising stall!!!!!!! To be honest I had no interest of buying some crappy T-shirt, but if I had, I would have bought it outside, as the bootleggers t-shirts looked far preferable to the official stuffs, which were emblazoned with Durranies latest album title "POP TRASH", using what must be the cheapest looking logo ever used by a pop band!!!!!!! Whatever happened to the marvellous sense of design from ye olde "Rio" gramophone cover?!?!?!?!

Well, some people acted like they remembered ye olde Duran Days!!!!! Except of course they didn't!!!!!!! But it was most amusing to watch some of the younger folk trudging about in baggy shirts, bad wigs and Sharon 'n' Tracey make-up and baubles!!!!! One can imagine packing them into a TARDIS, sending them back to London in 1980, and then watch the amusing spectacle that results as they attempt to get past the door at Steve Strange's club!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, where was I?!??!?! Anyway, after finding the bar- which was regimentally managed by some lady steward who told us where to queue, when to approach the bar, and then to keep at least "a couple of yards away" from the bar afterwards, we got a bit cheesed off, and started looking for our seats!!!!!! Luckily as we approached the "galleries", we found a nice quiet bar with no bossy crowd-controlling staff!!!!! In fact, there was no crowd!!!! Until we finally staggered into the hall that is!!!!!!!

We were so far up the galleries, that it was a bit like being a young whippersnapper at the panto again!!!!!! I found myself right next to the bloke who operates the spotlight!!!!!! That wasn't too annoying really- it was the bloke in other seat who incessantly clapped merrily during every song, like it was a bloody Simple Minds concert, who started getting on my wick!!!!!!!

Anyway!!!!! Whahey!!!! Here some the Durans, coming onstage to some old Elvis tune!!!!! Apparently this is some subtle in-joke in reference to one of their "newies" called "Hallucinating Elvis", which they play later, with ol' Simes Les Bons giving a jolly good impression of a broken down Elvis robot!!!!!!! And crikey, he is starting to show his age a little!!!!! Particularly given that he's decided to come on in some sleeveless shirt, presumably to show off how hard he's been working out at tha gym!!!!!!!!!!!! Mind you, he's also clearly also been giving his voicebox a little of the "keep-fit" treatment as well!!!!! No more straining to hit the high notes of "Wild Boys" for Mr Le Bon now!!!!!!! Welcome to the new leaner and fitter Duran Duran!!!!!!

Certainly as far as beefed-up proceedings go, that funny Caruzzo US guitar that wot plays for the 'Rans (!!!) now certainly seems to have given them a right royal rock 'n' roll kick up tha wotsits!!!!! The guitar bits of early Duran gramophones were always the weakest links anyway, particularly when they attempted to ape American rock stylee stuff!!!! Well, now they've got a real American rock dude, and they certainly use it!!! Particularly on their brave re-writing of Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel's "White Lines" rap platter as a Callifornian nu-metal rock stomp!!!!! (Wot a shame they don't play Public Enemy's "911 Is A Joke" any more!!!!!!!) And the old faves (Which make up around 66.667% of tonights set) benefit from a slightly more uptempo "rocky" feel, whilst still retaining Nick Rhodes banks of keyboard squiggles!!!!

I remember reading in some mag some bloke saying that the main difference between concerts by Pink Floyd and The Australian Pink Floyd was the money spent on the stage show!!!!!!! Well, Duran Duran don't appear to be quite that dead yet, but even if they do start to smell funny, at least they won't sound as bad as they smell!!!!!!!!!!!

Weekend nonsensical quote!!!!!!

No human being was ever so free as a a fish. [You wot!??!?!?! I take you've never worked in a trawler, then!!!!!]

Friday's little pearl of wisdom!!!!!

Knowledge advances by steps- not by leaps. [Just as well you said "steps" and not "Steps", or I would have asked you to step outside, young man!!!!!!!]

Be a smartypants- by drinking Laphroaig!!!!!!

U-no, sometimes there's nothing better than having a "wee dram"!!!!!!! By which I of course mean a small glass of whisky- not a close encounter with a certain farmyard animal, as you may think!!!!!!!!! But what I didn't know is that I might end up on Mastermind as a result of it!!!!!!!! (The drink, not the farmyard animal!!!!!!!!)

That's because some boffins have found out that occasional drinkers have higher IQs than teetotallers!!!!!!!!! Tho mind you, it might also have to do with the ridiculous names they give alcohol!!!!!!! I mean, if you know how to spell "Bunnahabhain", then you've got to have some braincells!!!!!!!

Sumo wresting: sailors with planetary names!!!!!!

Erm.... Something tells me that Sumo Wresting in Japan is starting to go a little towards the WWF end of things when some of them start dressing up as characters from anime show Sailor Moon!!!!!!!!

Clinton: If you inhale- you shouldn't go to jail!!!!!

Looks like the plan to put Bill Clinton in as Chancellor of Oxford Uni is stepping up a gear!!!!! He's obviously being nice to the Oxford folks he shared his non-inhalation experimentation episode with, by saying in an interview with dull-but-worthy rock tome Rolling Stone (Again, classic Oxford Uni demographics!!!!) that he does think people who smoke "special" cigarettes shouldn't be slammed into the clinker!!!!!! (By which we mean jail, not Bill's... Er hang on, cancel that thought!!!!!!! Bleeeuuurrrrghhh!!!!!!! Groooo!!!!! Etc. )

Today's rather inexplicable "pearl"!!!!!

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous. [You wot?!?!?!?!?!?!?]

Yesterday's "Gee, I Didn't Think Of That" quote!!!!

To the puritan, all things are impure. [Spooky!!!!!]

Get down, Plutino!!!!!!

Well, after all that debate about whether or not Pluto is really a planet or not, (Much to Mickey Mouse's annoyance, no doubt!!!!!!) astronomers have now found a "plutino" inbetween Neptune and Pluto!!!!

This story helpfully tells us that the minor planetoid, snappily titled "2000 EB173" is "about one-fourth the size of Pluto (or about the distance from Boston to Buffalo)"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erm... OK then!!!!! Thanks very much for that useful piece of info!!!!! Next time I travel from Buffalo to Boston, I'll be able to say "Aha!!!! This is roughly equal to the diameter of a planetoid between Neptune and Pluto!!!!!!!!!!" And I expect the Buffalo would have some pretty choice words on the matter as well!!!!!!!!

These automobiles are dead good- literally!!!!! (Almost!!!!!)

Cripes!!!!! I didn't know there was a major demand regarding car hire services for Hearses!!!!!!!!!!!! But I do now!!!!!!!! Check out this spiffy webby sitey called "Grim Rides"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, I don't think I'll be driving around in a Hearse that often!!!!!! I mean, imagine driving up to the ladies in old folks home in a Hearse and saying "Come on!!!!! Hop in!!!!!!"!!!!!!!

Things would turn rather nasty, I'd wager!!!!!

Now, that's wot I call a lot of piccies of a gas giant!!!!!

I bet you didn't know that now has never been a better time to look at the cloud structure of the biggest gas giant in the Solar System!!!!!!!!!! But it is!!!!!!! Some spiffy space probe thingy called CICLOPS has parked outside Jupiter and is taking some jolly nice holiday snaps of the big blobby planet!!!!!

Xmas Tree- for couch potatoes!!!!!!!

Well, as they say, "Only In America etc."!!!!!!!! It's nice to see someone's merged two great American traditions: Christmas, and sitting on the couch in front of tha tellybox like a complete parsnip!!!!!!! Check this one out- a Christmas tree... Made from a couch!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, I think it might be a bit harder putting the presents underneath the Xmas Couch!!!!!!! Especially if some lardy-bottomed person flops out on tha seat!!!!!! Unless of course the presents are really thin already!!!!! Maybe I should email the folks on this w3site and tell them to get each other "Big Brother- the book" as presents this year!!!!!!!

Curse of Select claims... Select!!!!!!

Hum... I reckon missed this one on Friday, because it has "Select" in the headline!!!!!!!! Anyway!!!! It looks like after we slagged off Select, the not-very-good "music/lifestyle" monthly, it looks the EMAP Chaps have independently come to a similar conclusion!!!!!! And they've shut it down!!!!!!!!

They give some extremely spurious reasoning for it shutting down as well:

Market conditions mean that the indie sector, which Select emphatically championed, has been completely absorbed into the mainstream, illustrated by the huge success of the magazine's core bands - Oasis, Blur and Radiohead.

Eh?!??! So, if the bands they champion are so flippin' popular, how come they're selling so little?!?!??!?! Could it possibly be that the mag's not very good?!?!?!?! And all this guffola to the effect that Select "helped create the mid-90s Britpop boom"!!!!!!! (Funny, I though the word in question was invented by Melody Maker!!!) This is supposedly due to the 1993 front cover with Suede on the front cover (Again, I seem to remember Melody Maker beat them on that score as well!!!!) and the laughable headline "Yanks go home!"!!!!!! Yes, well, look how well Suede did on that front!!!!!!!! They were upstaged on their US tour by their own flipping support band!!!!!!!! That would be bad enough, but their support band was The Cranberries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!)

Mind you, there's an interesting mention of the fact that the indie weeklies have been declining while the likes of Kerrang! and Mixmag have been doing rather well!!!!! Which would no doubt explain why the formerly "indie anorack" NME is going all "pop", and why the once mighty Melody Maker has suddenly plummeted downhill in a desperate attempt become a tabloidy "Kerrang!" Jnr!!!!!!!!!!

Clinton's next job- in a gown!??!?!?!?

Well, I never!!!!!! Looks like some folks want Bill Clinton back at Oxford University (For US readers- that's the place where he didn't inhale!!!!!! Which sounds like a bit of a waste of time if you ask me!!!!!!!! I mean, if you really have set your mind on smoking one of those funny "French" cigarettes, then it seems a bit redundant to only appear to smoke it!!!!! I mean, it ill behoves a potential leader of the Free World to say one thing then do another, doesn't??!?!??!! Erm, hang on!!!!! I think I may have spotted a huge flaw in my argument there!!!!!!)

Wait a sec!!!! Where was I?!?!?!? Oh yes, anyway, apparently there's some campaign or another to get Clinton to become Chancellor of the ancient university!!!!!!!!!! Well, he would certainly shake up the stuffy place I'd reckon!!!!!!! Especially the "after dinner" practice of smoking cigars!!!!!!!!!

Inflight reading material- for maniacs!!!!!

Hello peeps!!!! Are you about to jump on an aeroplane!??!?!?! Well, not literally obviously!!!!!! Unless you were Evil Kineval or something!!!!!!! No, you would probably just go inside and sit down down on tha seat, just like most normal people!!!!!!!

Well, however you do it, don't read this w3site!!!!!! It's called AirDisaster.com!!!!!!!!!!! And according to "Today in History":

5 years ago today, on December 5, 1995, an Azerbaijan Airlines Tupolev TU-134B crashed shortly after takeoff from Nakhichevan, Azerbaijan, Russia. 44 of the 82 passengers and crew aboard were killed.

Well, that's nice to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wax Cylinders... On MP3s!!!!!

Blimey!!!!! Here's another brilliant prediction from the olden days of the very organ wot you are reading!!!!!!!!

As predicted in a really old issue of SC, here's some MP3s- of old wax cylinders from the dawn of recorded music!!!!!!!!!! Mind you, I don't see any from my massive collection yet!!!!!!! Sort out your priorities, folks!!!!!!!

Cryptography- with Grannies!!!!!!!!

OK, here's someone in the US suggesting that wot with the FBI promoting their "Big Brother" thingy "Carnivore" with all the subtelty of a rhinoceros horn up the backside, that the market is ripe for email clients with cryptography as standard so that everyone and their "grannies" use them!!!!!!

Well, that's all very well, but here in the UK, apparently we're not allowed to encrypt our own messages like a grown up!!!!! If PC Plod comes around, we're supposed to give him our decrypt codes or go to jail pronto!!!!!! Sounds like a European Human Rights case looming if you ask me!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Wazzup"- with Grannies!!!!!!!!!!!

If there's anything more irritating than that bloody annoying "Wazzup" advert for some piss-weak gassy barely alcoholic beverage, it's the way that the entire flipping UK media has been going crazy over that bloody annoying "Wazzup" advert for some piss-weak gassy barely alcoholic beverage!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, in the US, there's already been a bizzare "parody" of the ad featuring a load of old grannies!!!!!! And wots even more bizzare is that some people have been spreading this about tha NetWeb in the UK thinking it's an actual geniune advert and not a really obvious piddle-extraction enterprise!!!!!!!!!!!

Still, better a piddle-extraction enterprise than a tooth-extraction enterprise, which is what the actual geniune adverts are more akin to!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!!

Today's rather obvious quote!!!!!!!

Fame and tranqulity can never be bedfellows. [Unless of course you're Neil Sedaka!!!!!!]

You need knowledge... About Knowledge!!!!!!!

Interesting stat for you folks now!!!!! At most, no more than 75% of the webby pages I troll each day actually make it into Senior Citizen because of time commitments and stuff like that!!!!! In fact, sometimes on slow days, I often report on pages I trolled at least a couple of days ago!!!!!!!

But wot I did not know is that apparently I am practicising a rudimentary form of information technology selection techniques in order to acheive things such as: "filtering information overload, effective reading, note-taking, analysis, synthesis and communicating effectively to others"!!!!!!!!!

Yes, there's some jolly new "management technique" technique called Knowledge Management, which is now also being developed for individual peeps like us in order to avoid "information overload" and gain "the skills or tools to keep up in the Knowledge Age" and other similar stuffs!!!!!!

Here's one hot tip from the article: apparently it's a good idea to be "eating well and getting enough sleep"!!!!!!!!!!! So, if your boss catches you asleep on the job (By which we mean your workplace!!!!!! And not "laying a cable" in the "lavvy", as some people might think!!!!!! Tho mind you, if your boss turns up in the "little room" and tries the latter, one could be perfectly justified in protecting one's modesty using the technique of blindfolding" one's employer- by chucking used toilet paper at him!!!!!!!) Ahem, anyway!!!! If he catches you asleep, you can explain to him that you were merely improving your Knowledge Management techniques- and then demand that he takes you to a good restaurant so you can "eat well"!!!!!!!!!

Microsoft: No to tha NetWeb!!!!!!!

Hmmmm.... This seems a bit strange!!!!!!! Those cheeky chaps from Redmond (Microsoft!!!!!!!!) have put some online form that gauges how much your software is "risky"!!!!!! Apparently if you have loads of MS software with all the licenses, you're at a low risk!!!!!! But if you say on the questionnaire (which is IE compatible only, for some extraordinary reason!!!!!) that you download any software from tha NetWeb, suddenly you're in a "high risk" situation!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm.... I wonder if this has anything to do with the appearance of a new Outlook Express email worm, which slags off users for using Windows, and suggests they use Linux instead!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dennis the Menace to Harry Potter: "BIFF!!!! Take that, you Walter look-a-like!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!! It's look like veteran kiddies komic The Beano isn't just wowing them over in Japan!!!!!! It looks as thought it's doing the busines over here as well!!!!!! Advance orders for the Beano 2001 Annual this Xmas have knocked the near-mythical Harry Potter off the best-seller lists!!!!!!! "You can always trust the Beano gang to make a menace of themselves" said some bloke.

Revealed: Glasgow's Undergound "Sexy Pigeons" Pimping Secret!!!!!!

Now here's a vaguely interesting story for all you pigeon racers!!!!!!! Apparently some male pigeons are real "Ladies Men"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And apparently some pigeon racing folk in my local area of Glasgow are using these avian "Peter Stringfellows" to "nab" lady pidgeons from their rivals!!!!!!!!!! And it's often ending in kneecappings!!!!!!

Even more bizarrely, these "pigeon pimps" are known as "horsemen"!!!!!!!!! Just as well they don't breed poultry!!!!!! Who knows, maybe they would have been called "donkey bangers" or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Senior Citizen predicts possible US economic downturn!!!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!! It's been a bit of a dramatic time recently for tech stocks and e-business!!!!!!! Not only has there been loads of UK dotcoms (Usually run by loadsa young thrusting types who thought they were the business equivalent of "rock stars" or something!!!!!!!) falling by the wayside, but the tech industry in general has been seeing something of a big of a downturn, with a lot of people saying that it might be because the PC home market has reached saturation point!!!!!!!!! And it's even got through to this columnist bloke from The Scotsman by the name of Bill Jamieson, who is taking a break from recycling his "The European Parliament is Satan!!!!!!!" article every flipping week, to cover these events, noting that the high heid yin of Big Blue (By which we mean of course IBM, and not an "adult" video mail-order company as you may think!!!!!!) proclaimed that the PC is dead!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which is jolly interesting, as we predicted something similar in an old issue of SC in September 1998!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps Bill Jamieson ought to be reading us instead of "Smarmy Right-Wing Think-Tank Monthly", or whatever it is he reads!!!!!!!!!!!

Wot happens if MacDonalds stages an "October Revolution"!??!?!?!?

Apparently Scotland now has a Fat Tsar!!!!!!!!!!! (Or "Fat Czar" according to whom you are reading!!!!!!!!!!)

Nope!!!!! We're not talking about a portly relative of the Romanovs usurping the Windsors as Scotland's Head of State!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, we are talking about a new "FatFinder General" type Government bloke who is looking to launch a big campaign aimed at helping improve the general diet of Scots!!!!!!!!

For some reason, The Scotsman seems to find all of this a bit of a jolly hoot!!!!!!!

Cloning: "Tis the season to be weary, tra-la la-l . . . "!!!!!!!!

Erm!!!!! Something tells me the titles got a bit mixed up in today's Glasgow Herald Leaders Page!!!!!!!!!

Bizzarre Monday Slogan!!!!!!!

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. [?!?!?!??!?!?!?]

Weekend state-the-bleeding obvious slogan!!!!!

The object of oratory is not truth but persuation. [No!!!! Really?!?!??! And here's me thinking those US presidential debates showed the candidates as they really are!!!!!!!!!!]

Logarithmic Witchcraft!!!!!!

Logarithms!!!!!!! I bet that very word has struck fear into your very hearts!!!!!! Horrible images of sitting in a classroom with a slide-rule and/or abacus when you were a whippersnapper!!!!!!! Well, actually, I used one of those new fangled pocket calculating machines!!!!!!! Mind you, it was in the olden days when calculators were the size of cash registers, and I had very big pockets!!!!!!!!

Erm, well, anyway!!!!!!! If you ever want to know who's name to curse for this, the name is John Napier, a dude from 16th century Scotland!!!!!! And apparently, he wasn't just into maths!!!!!! Apparently he was regarded by the locals as a bit of a "warlock" as well!!!!!! Mind you, this was probably after they tried to solve some tough logarithmic equations!!!!!!!!!!

Senior Citizen- on a Billy Joel song!!!!!!

Blimey!!!!!!! SC has got a mention on a popular music gramophone!!!!!! Well, actually, it's a "remake" of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", which of course was a remake of REM's "The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)", which of course was a rremake of Bob Dylan's "Subterranian Homesick Blues", which of course was a remake of Tommy Steele's "Half a Sixpence"!!!!!!! Actually, I just made that last bit up, believe it or not!!!!!!!

Er, where was I!?!??!?! Anyway!!! Some enterprising peeps have remade the Billy Joel song calling it "We Didn't Start the Weblog"!!!!!! And guess wot!!!! It's all about weblogs!!!! And it gives us a mention!!!!! Which is nice!!!!!

You can even get an mp3 of the "platter" in question here!!!!! Tho I have to say I feel sorry for the poor guy who had to sing it all!!!!! He sounds like he's got the same cold as I had this week!!!!!

Welcome to the (slightly) new-look SENIOR CITIZEN!!!!!

Aha!!!! I expect you notice the difference now!!!!! Welcome to the revamp of SC, with more space for text, and an better layout!!!! And watch out for some more additions in the next few weeks!!!!

Now we're coming up for Chrimbo, (!!!!) I'll be starting to get ready for the Senior Citizen 2000 NetBest Awards!!!!!! In it, I plan to award the:

• Best Headline!!!!!!
  
• Best Story!!!!!!
  
• Best Rant!!!!!!
  
• Best Website!!!!!!
  
• Best Software!!!!!!
  
• Best Prediction!!!!!!
  

And maybe others!!!!!!!! If you have any suggestions, mail us!!!!!!!

Fridays brilliant quote!!!!

Old age is preferable to the alternative. [Damn right, old chap!!!!!!]

Time for the "tele-village"!!!!!!!!

Teleworkers will be based either in their own homes or in office suites at the centre of the settlement where they can share expensive hardware including scanners, laser printers, photocopiers and video-conferencing facilities. All the homes and facilities will be linked up by computer networks so they can communicate with each other.

Yet residents will enter this wired-up village through a tree-lined and cobbled main street designed for pedestrians and bicycles where children will be safe to play in front of their homes.

Sounds like some dreadful US "suburb" somewhere, doesn't it?!?!?!? And if you think so, you'd be completely wrong!!!!!!!! It's actually Scotland's first "tele-village", which is somewhere in the Borders, apparently!!!!!!!!!

BTW "Tele-village".... Doesn't that sound like a more urban form of Teletubbyland!??!?!??!

Watch out Bert and Nappy- here comes a Spy!!!!!!!!

Blimey!!!!!!! Here comes yet another "home-brew" Napster clone!!!!!!! This one's called Songspy, which is jolly ironic as I expect certain Record Industry peeps will be doing a lot of "spying" on this lot!!!!!!!!!

This years best album- is connected to your compute with a ribbon cable!!!!!!!

Hmmmm, I'm not too sure how to react to this one!!!!!!! Apparently ultra-cool-and-hip US music mag Spin, which is usually the sort of rag I would avoid even if I had procured a suitably large barge-pole (!!!!!!), has announced the "Album of the Year" as "Your Hard Drive", in recognition of the vast amounts of MP3s that people have on them these days!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I would certainly agree in my case!!!!!!! But having seen some peoples music collections on Napster/Gnutella/Freenet/PloppyTrader, I wouldn't say this is universally true!!!!!!!

A rather basic way- to do BASIC!!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!!)

U-no, one of my friends has got one of those new-fangled Playstation 2 thingies!!!!!!!!! And the thing that's been most played on it so far has not been any game, but this version of ye olde computing language BASIC, called YABASIC!!!!!!!! You can download it for Windows and *nix, but it's much more entertaining watching someone programming it using just an analogue controller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's rather downbeat quote!!!!!!

Ask yourself whether you're happy- and you cease to be so. [Excuse me while I go and slit my wrists!!!!!! Actually, I won't!!!!!!! I'm only joking, really!!!!!!!!!]

Another eddytorial!!!!!

Cough!!! Cough!!!! Sniffle!!!! etc. Yes, I've still got the cold!!!!! In fact, I was in bed yesterday!!!!!!!! But I managed to drag myself out for long enough to finish off the new look for Senior Citizen!!!!!! It's not really that different to the old look, but it's much clearer, and has more space for text!!!!! It should go live this weekend!!!!!! Bet you can't wait, huh!!!!!!!

BTW I'll be taking part in this Day Without Weblogs tomorrow, so there'll be no SC on 1st Dec. But we'll return the next day in our new look!!!!

Yesterday's not-very-good slogan!!!!!!

Custom is the great guide of human life. [Yeah, like flippin' Witch Trials- wot a great guide to life that must be!!!!!!]

Sharon Stone: scarred for life?!?!??!

Here's one "Scarface" that's generating heaps of interest: the one on Sharon Stone's neck!!!!!!! Never mind the face on Mars, some peeps are constructing conspiracy theories around a strange mark on some movie star who's more known for a certain other part of her anatomy!!!!!! Mind you, having seen that "Basic Instinct" on tha tellybox the other day, I can inform you that it's nothing to write home about.

ICANN: no you can't!!!!!!

Reporting on this story is apparently a little muted!!!!!!!!! There's a bit of a major stushie between the bods wot make the top level domain names, ICANN, and ... well, everyone else!!!!!!! In fact, there's even talk of outside agencies using their own root servers!!!!!!!!

There's some other bloke reporting on the story here, but he uses funny words, and I don't understand them!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!

Designers: Acne!!!!!

Hey!!!! There's some groovy Swedish design "collective" called "Acne"!!!!!!! Bet they have quite a few "spots" on tha NetWeb!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!)

PS!!! We've just found out that they've got some connection with our old friend, the C64 sound-a-like SidStation!!!!!

If you're a housewife- you're dead!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!! These are changing times!!!! Not only is Deputy PM John Prescott getting a right earful off the French Minister Dominique Voynet for having a "standard macho attitude", but there's also a new survey out which proclaims the idea of the "traditional" stay-at-home housewife to be "all but extinct"!!!!!! Also, there appears to be a more "permissive" amongst young people as compared to older folks!!!!!!

Come on, you senior citizens!!!! Time to catch up with the young folk!!!!!! There are even classes for it these days!!!!!

Old folk: we're not Victor Meldrew!!!!!

Well, at least some of us oldies aren't all stick-in-the-muds!!!!!!!!!! According to yet another new survey, the more mature adults are getting steadily cheesed off with being assumptions that they either watch "Songs of Praise", or act like Victor Meldrew!!!!!!!

A viewer in her 60s said of her movie preferences: "I like a good violent American thriller - the type of thing with Al Pacino."

Another, in his 70s, said: "People our age like the same range of things as anybody else. We don't suddenly find that all we want to watch is Songs of Praise. We like the same things we liked when we were younger. I like The Royle Family and Have I Got News For You, just like my grandson."

Oldies watching "Scarface"?!?!?! About flipping time, I say!!!!!!!!

Stop death on air flights- by wearing elasticated stockings!!!!!!!

Well, here's an old man who certainly knows where it's at!!!!!!!! Wot with all this talk about seats in cramped cheapo air flights causing deadly blood clots and whatnot, here's an old 85 year old bloke called JC Mustarde, with some sage advice on how to beat the problem!!!!!!!!! Apparently it involves certain "exercises" and wearing elasticated stockings!!!!!!!

In the years to come I made many long-haul flights, always wearing my stockings and doing my unobtrusive pumping exercises, with no recurrence of my problem. And now, in my 85th year, I am coming to the end of a commitment which in the past nine years has involved making some 40 trips to Ghana and back (the International Reconstructive Plastic Surgery Project)

Crikey!!!! Plastic surgery as well!??!?!?! I think Master Mustarde has a lot to teach other old (and even young) folks!!!!!

Yesterday's tautologist slogan!!!!!

Yes, I was busy yesterday!!!!!!!!

If you are idle, be not solitary; if you are solitary, be not idle. [Unfortunately, on Planet Earth, one usually follows from the other!!!!!!]

Old Fart has got the cold!!!!!!!

Cough!!!! Cough!!!! Sniffle!!!! Atchoo!!!!!!! This is one of the more annoying disadvantages regarding the more mature man having a hectic lovelife!!!!!!!! You might get a lot of funny bugs!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW Talking of "Planet Earth", I might soon be going to a concert held by ancient electro-fogies Duran Duran!!!!!!! If so, expect a "unique" review by yours truly soon afterwards!!!!!!

Todays old chesnut!!!!!

"Ask not what your country can do for you- ask what you can do for your country."

Voting trends: dog owners vs tortoise owners!!!!!!!!

I bet the proportion of dog-owners who vote Conservative is significantly higher than, say, of people who own a tortoise.

This is a most interesting article!!!!!!!!!!!! I can see that young Tory chap William Hague jumping on the "Dog Owners" bandwagon now!!!!!!!!!! You can imagine him talking to that "Loaded" maggy in his Yorkshire-accent-with-jaws-wired-together type voice: "Oh well, I think dogs are really great pets, much better than those liberal politically correct metropolitan wine-bar frequenting tortoises!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!

Message to shoppers: "OI!!!! NOOO!!!!!!!"

Have you ever wanted to make a sizeable statement of intent regarding the questionable effects of the sizeable power of consumerist culture!??!?!??!?! Well, now you can- by failing to go to tha shop tomorrow!!!!!!!!

Yes, apparently tomorrow (Nov 24) is International Buty Nothing Day!!!!!!!!! So perhaps you can forgo the light lunch at some fast food joint for a delightful packed-lunch excursion in the park or something!!!!

It's the Ferry Man again!!!!!!

Call me daft, but as urban constituencies go there is a bright, open beauty about Glasgow Anniesland.

Seen from Renfrew ferry, it's a rising blend of tenement, tower block, crane and warehouse, soaring and rolling back to the Kilpatrick Hills. Seen from Jordanhill, it's a tapestry of the endeavours of sincere men, through decades, in wisdom and folly, to house the deserving poor.

Crikey!!!!! John MacLeod, that funny little man from the Western Isles wot writes for the Glasgow Herald, is asked to do a "perspective" on a by-election, and he has to stick another flipping reference to the Renfrew Ferry he seems to like so much!!!!!!!!

OK, John, since you suggested it, we will call you daft- daft on West Glasgow Clyde-based boyant vehicular crossing transport, that is!!!!!!!

Become a journo- and snap your pencil!!!!!

There's a by-election in Glasgow Anniesland today!!!!!!! But apparently the election campaign was really boring!!!!!!!!! But that didn't stop reporters getting a little carried away!!!!!!

When Brian Wilson chaired Labour's second and final press conference, he talked of how his party's candidates had gone directly to the people, campaigned on the doorsteps and generally put themselves about.

Reporters' pencils snapped in disbelief, and when Mr Wilson proceeded to express regret at the "retreat" into fashionable telephone canvassing, some of us watched anxiously to see if we might be injured by the falling ceiling.

Crikey!!!!!! Snapping pencils!!!!! And parnoid visions of unstable architecture!!!!!! And this is just a "boring" by-election!!!!!!!!!!!!

These reporters must be really highly strung!!!!!!!! Maybe they should take a mug of Horlicks and have a lie down or something!!!!!!

Today's rather pointless quote!!!!

Wit is an educated insult. [In which case, you must be a real "wit" to other peoples intelligence, you silly (t)wit!!!!!!]

How to do an artwork: drop dead!!!!!!!

Have you ever wondered how to make people remember you when you pop your clogs??!?!?! Well, perhaps you can put something on the wall from you for people in future generations to look at!!!!!!!!!!!

No, I am not talking about committing suicide by blowing off your head with a double-barrelled shotgun, having previously written a will stipulating that a certain wall in the house will never be cleaned!!!!!!!! I am in fact talking about this bunch called Eternally Yours, who take "a small portion of cremains" (?!?!?) and make a painting out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet that'll be a lot of fun in the future, when everyone is supposed to have tons of nanobots inside them!!!!!!! Wot if there's a bunch of nanobots left in the remains and they disagree with the artists design concept?!??!?! Will they "nanobotize" tha painting, and turn it into a Picasso stylee piccy just to annoy him/her?!?!?!??!

He/She would be pretty "cheesed off", I imagine!!!!!!!!! But I expect the nanobots would be falling on the floor laughing!!!!!!!!! If they're actually on the floor of course!!!!!!! But they're probably not!!!!!! They're probably on the painting!!!!! Because they've "nanobotized" the... OK, I'll shut up now!!!!!!

Flash Hack- literally!!!!!!!

Well, some hacks of websites have been getting a bit off the "h3LL0 3l33t3 ha>%<orz!!!1!" type nonsense recently, and actually started to express the odd opinion!!!!!!!! But here's a new one!!!!!!! A hacked site message- done in Flash!!!!!!!!!!!! Will wonders never cease!!!!!!!

Today's extremely ill-judged aphorism!!!!

Scenery is fine, but human nature is finer. [Oh really?!?!?! Well, dunno about you, but given the choice between a little trip through the Scottish Highlands and going on a Nuremburg Rally with Adolf Hitler, I think I know what most sane people would choose!!!!!!]

Time for another spiffy editorial!!!!!!

Hey!!!!! Have you noticed the slight change!??!?!?! The quotes all have different coloured headlines!!!!!

So bloody wot you might say!!!!! But this is merely the first step in the soon-coming design revamp!!!!!!! I've seperated the format of the headlines for the quotes and stories, and moved the location of the stylesheet URL!!!!! It's a bit like the webby equivalent of moving the Kingston Bridge three inches to the South!!!!! As for the revamp, I can promise... Well, I can't promise anything, really!!!!! I haven't finished the design yet!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!

Bush "looks like a chimp"!!!!!!!!

While this big bunfight over who's going to be El Presidente de la US is still going on, here's an interesting page about the bloke who is (currently) ahead!!!!!!!!!! Apparently there's a good reason George W Bush thinks it's "not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature" and wants to have a "foreign-handed foreign policy", and other funny things!!!!!!!!!! He looks like a chimpanzee!!!!!!!!!!

Robot car- with an outside airbag!!!!!!

Well, at least Victor Meldrew kicked the bucket with a little dignity last night!!!!!! But future generations might find his getting mown down by a car a little implausible!!!!!!!! At least, according to this jolly little article on automobile vehicular techhy thingies!!!!!!!!!

SensorCar uses crash sensors to minimize the results of a crash, pre-tightening seat belts just before the impact is felt by the passengers, and even triggering an external airbag that might lessen the blow to a pedestrian!

Only prob with that!!!!! If there's a massive external airbag blowing up around the car to protect pedestrians, it might look to the pedestrian like they're being attacked by one of those balloon thingies from The Prisoner!!!!!!!! The fright would probably kill them!!!!!!!!!

Jump off a cliff- and light a cigarette!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!! According to some survey, apparently sensation seekers are more likely to take up smoking!!!!!!!!!

So next time you hear some bungee jumper say they do it because it makes them feel more "alive", you can always say "Ho ho!!!!! We'll see about that, won't we!!!!!!!!!!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Todays "modest" cheesy slogan!!!!!

Some modest men have a lot to be modest about. [And some don't!!!!! So what was the point of this cheesy slogan then?!??!?!? Apart from some half-baked attempt at being "humourous"?!?!?!?! Pah!!!!!!]

Wots on... Everywhere!!!!!

Crikey!!!!! Those sniffy listings mags like Time Out, who act like they're really cosmopolitan, had better watch out!!!!!!!!! Here's What's Going On, a website devoted to covering what to do- anywhere in the world!!!!!!!! According to today's edition, there's a "Monarch Butterfly Migration" happening in Angangueo, Michoacan, Mexico, and a "Wind Symphony Concert" happening in Flagstaff, Arizona, USA!!!!!!!!!!! Well, that's all from me today, I've got to jump on a plane now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Now pupils, turn to page 14 of your Beano"!!!!!!!

Now this is vaguely interesting!!!!!!! Whilst the Western world is having a bit of a "crush" on Manga/Anime and Pokemon, young people in Japan are getting into a dainty little Scottish-based comic!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it's the Beano, the Dundee kiddies comic, which even I subscribed to when I was a young man!!!!!!! And Dennis the Menace is still as fresh-faced as he was all those years ago!!!!!!!! He must be the Cliff Richard of comicbook cartoons!!!!!!!! Ahem anyway!!!! Young people in Japan are now using this evergreen fountain of kiddie comic youth as an aid to teaching English!!!!!!!! Which might mean a whole new generation of Japanese shouting words like "Crikey!!!!" and "Eeek!!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's an "advanced mechanical biped" - called Henry Honda!!!!!!

Here's yet another "Tommorow's World" style story on the latest emerging robot technologies in the Far East!!!!!! Apparently Henry Honda (Or Hyndland Honda, as we call him around these parts!!!!!) has made an "advanced mechanical biped"!!!!!!!!

Mind you, I don't know about NEC's idea of an "egg-shaped" thingy "which rolls around the house looking for faces it can recognize and talk to"!!!!! Wot if it rolls into the kitchen?!??!?!? Won't someone just pick it up, crack it open, and fry it or something?!??!?!??!?!?!

A new dimension in displays!!!!!! (Doh!!!!!!!!!!)

Next time you happen to chance upon that "Weakest Link" quiz show programme on tha tellybox and shiver as you see the schoolma'am-ish Anne Robinson say "You are the weakest link- goodbye!!!!!!!!!!", well, perhaps you might want to stop viewing telly altogether!!!!!! In future she might be lunging out of your tellybox- in 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, at least she would be if tha tellybox uses this "volumetric 3D display", anyway!!!!!!!!!!!! Arg!!!!!!!!! Some things are definately better in 2D!!!!!!!

Style & Content- it's like Morecame & Wise!!!!!

Some bloke here has found out what most of us who have been unfortunate to hear a Stereophonics gramophone already know- completely separating style from content is a load of rubbish!!!!!! He has a point you know!!!!!!!!! After all, what would the content of my page be like without my unique style of writing?!??!?!?!

Let's talk about... The Grand Old Duke of York!!!!!

Looks like the Glasgow Herald's getting a bit "lairy" about the current US election kerfuffle, to the point of increasingly obsfucatory journalistic practices in it's Editorial Leader column- mainly concerning a flippin nursey rhyme!!!!!!!!!!!

The road to the White House is rapidly coming to resemble the Grand Old Duke of York's preposterous nursery odyssey.

Dunno about you, but I think that the aforementioned nobleman would be assured of completing said preposterous nursery odyssey numerous times in rapid succession as the scribes of this venerable ancient Scottish broadsheet publication push their loquacity to excessive extremes in order to complete the task of rendering any opinions expressed flipping well unreadable!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're living in a bubble- literally!!!!! (Almost!!!!!)

Have you ever looked up at the sky and saw the stars!?!?!??!! Well, if you did, it must be at night!!!!!!! It would pretty dim to look for stars during the day wouldn't it!!!!!!!! In fact, the stars would themselves be pretty dim themselves in comparision to the nearby local star!!!!! By which I course mean the Sun, not Zeta Reticuli Beta, as you may think!!!!!!!!!!!! Erm, where was I?!?!?!?!? OK, if you look up at the sky at night, you'll see the stars!!!!! Well, unless it's cloudy of course!!!!!!!! Or you live in some city, where they use tons of crappy orange streetlights!!!!!!!!! Or you live in a cave!!!!!!!!! Unless of course they have glo-worms in this cave, which will provide an appreciable approximation of a starry night, but is unfortunately completely irrelevant to this story!!!!!! Arrrghhh!!!!!! I've gone off tangent again!!!!! (Wot, a wacky off-the-wall person I must be!!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, if you look up at the sky on a nice clear night and see the stars twinkling back at you, what you might not know is that this idyllic scene has a vague connection to a Radox bubble bath!!!!!!!! That's because the region of the Milky Way we live in (By which we course mean our local galaxy, not the chocolate bar!!!!!! And by Galaxy, we of course mean a huge collection of revolving stellar matter, not the chocolate bar... Oh no!!!! We're off on a tangent again!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, the flipping area of space we're in is called The Local Bubble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that's not all!!!! The really local neighbourhood bit of the "Bubble" where we live is called the Local Fluff!!!!!!

Let's talk about death!!!!

U-no, there seems to be a whole bunch of tellybox characters dropping like flies these days!!!!!!! Tonight, it's the turn of Victor Meldrew, and last week it was ancient tec Inspector Morse!!!!!!!! Now, call me a bit "insensitive", but wasn't that death scene a bit crap?!??!! It looked like something out of a Doctor Who episode!!!!!!!! I hope when Mr Meldrew gets hit by that car tonight he flies over the bonnet a bit more gracefully!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's "dull" quote!!!!!!!!

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. [Unlike not-so-dull men like myself!!!!!!!]

Jump Jet vs Hens!!!!!!!

I bet when you last saw a Vertical Take Off and Landing military aircraft, that you never guessed that it might strike fear into the hearts of your average farmyard fowl!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I know I didn't, anyway!!!!!! But apparently, there is a "hen harrier", according to this story anyway!!!!!!!

Why don't the hens just lay an egg in the engines, I say!!!!!! That would gum them up pretty quick!!!!!!!!

Play tha videogram- from your gramophone!!!!!!!

U-no, unlike some young whippersnappers I still have a vinyl gramophone!!!!!!!! But what I did not know is that you can use it for video!!!!!!!!!! Well, OK, I did really, actually!!!!!! I mean, being Scottish, I know a little about John Logie Baird (Who is not related to Yogie Bear, as you might think!!!!!!) inventing a video recording system based on this very principle!!!!!!!!! So in fact, I'm talking complete and utter rubbish!!!!!!!!!!!

Errrr, where was I?!?!?!? Oh yes, some folks called Vinyl Video have ripped Logie Baird's idea off- in a very nice way of course!!!!!!

Kill a zombie- by nodding!!!!!!!

Oi!!!!! You!!!!!!!!! Stop playing about with your joystick, and pay attention!!!!!!!!! By which I of course mean your games controller as used in consoles or computer games, not some other thing!!!!!!!!! Mind you, I wouldn't want you to do that either!!!!!!!! I mean, this is supposed stimulation for the intellect, not the other part of the boddy!!!!!! If that were the case, I'd advise you to keep away from the Stephen Hawking books!!!!!!! You might go blind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyway!!!!!!! Here's an article about a "head movement" detector, from the really imaginatively named "Cybernet Systems", which can be used as a games controller!!!!!!!!

Just don't try playing "Daley Thomson's Decathalon" with it tho!!!!!!!!! You might end up with brain damage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beattie- is quiety!!!!

Looks like Mr John "Bullshit Buzzer" Beattie is a little bit quiet today!!!!!!!!

Goto tha Dome- and slit your wrists!!!!!!!!

Well, I went to the Millenium Dome, and I didn't think it was that bad!!!!!!!!! But apparently some people think it's really depressing!!!!!!! Which just goes to show there are a lot of people in Britain with no life!!!!!!!!!

Old farts- who are really "with it"!!!!!!!!

Now this is a real good piece of news!!!!!!! Late Learning Centres for the more mature person such as myself!!!!!!!!! And what do they learn there?!?!?!?!? What young people get up to so they can sppok them out!!!!!!!!!

Len Rodkin waves a handful of books at me with titles such as "Bluff Your Way in Hip-Hop", "A Short Cut to Techno" and "Ibiza Made Easy" plus one that I swear was called "It's Never Too Late to Take Up Drugs", though I may have misread it. But isn't it unsettling for young people to find that their elders are taking an interest in their culture, and understanding it as well?

Len Rodkin grins.

"Hugely," he says.

Who knows!!!!!! Some of the oldies entioned in this article may end as culturally enriched as me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teletubbies Go to Siberia!!!!!!!!!

Next you see the Teletubbies, instead of saying "Eh-oh!" (Which no doubt, Americans will mis-hear as "Bite my ass, motherf@£%er!!!!!!"!!!!!) they'll say "Brrrrr!!!!!!!"!!!!!!! That's because the temperature in Teletubby-land will be minus 40!!!!!!!!!!

Yep!!!!!! Apparently Les Tubs (!!!!!) are getting imported to Russia!!!!!!!!!! According to this article, Russians are really into UK, having been brought up on such luminaries as "Mr Pooter", and Melvyn Bragg!!!!!!!!

Just as well the Russians don't get "The South Bank" show over there!!!!! They'd all end up speaking English like him!!!!!!!!! Which would have been a real disaster!!!!!!! I mean, imagine it- a whole nation who speak like they've got a huge bogey up either nostril!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now, the weather... On Mars!!!!!!!

There's all these tellybox channels around now devoted to just one subject!!!!!!!!!!! You've got Sci-Fi, shopping, knitting, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was some sad git with a camcorder showing us his toenail collection!!!!!!!!! And most of them are flipping on all the time!!!!!!!!! How can they fill all that time!!!!!!!

Well, now we have the answer for one channel anyway!!!!!!!!!! Obviously giving us all the global weather reports didn't fill all the "airtime" needed at the Weather Channel, so they've deiced to fill the space- with space!!!!! Well, almost!!!!! They're now doing weather reports- for Mars!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonnybridge- twin town, Roswell!!!!!!

Well, it had to happen!!!!!! Bonnybridge in Scotland is apparently a "hotspot" for UFO sightings!!!!! So, one tourist-savvy town councillor has gone right ahead and suggested that they become "twin town" of Roswell!!!!!!!!!!!

(BTW As this is a UK newspaper article, expect the usual "jokey" puns on Star Trek and the X-Files by bored hacks!!!!!!!)

Todays bon mot!!!!

Justice is truth in action. [Whilst a lot of what passes for "justice" these days is just plain in-action!!!!!!!]

Non-English Internet: "We don't understand it"!!!!!!

So much for brainboxes on tha NetWeb!!!!!!!!

Loadsa people on this side of the the globe are kicking up a fuss about the possibility of non-English characters being used on netty protocols like domain names and suchlike!!!!!! Apparently this is a prob because, erm, the whole internet's based on the English language and it's really had to change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erm, if it's so inflexible, perhaps it would be a good idea to flippin' well fix it then?!?!?!?!!

If you've no friends- download Netscape!!!!!!!!

Well, here's somethine you might want to downloaddy instead of "The Final Countdown"!!!!!!!!!!!

According to this jolly litle press release, you can get a list of "Buddies" if you use Netscape Instant Messenger!!!!! Just the sort of thing if you're a sad spod with no friends!!!!!!!

Hey Mr Music Musician: Where can I download "hooky" MOR MP3s!?!??!?!

One of the nice things if you're an artist at mp3.com is that you get fan mail!!!!!!! And unless you're really bad, it's mostly positive!!!!!!!! However, one artist got this, erm, rather interesting email!!!!!!!!!

From:
To: xxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, November 14, 2000 10:07 PM
Subject: A fan has sent you an email

Enter your message to the artist here.

I want find the EUROPE band, for mp3 donlwod. I waith from your som
indication "EUROPE" and how I can downloud "the final condaunt"?

As the artist said to me: "Do I look like a f@£&ing expert on 80s MOR?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch out- it's the "MP3 Detector" Servers!!!!!!!

Blimey!!!!! It seems to be "desperate scare tactics week" from the anti-piracy forces!!!!!!! Just a couple of days after we heard about the "pirate detector vans", there's now news of some company that says it can positively identify MP3s using "DNA technology" and it wants to scour the entire NetWeb for "hooky" MPeggies!!!!!!!!

Somewhat surprisingly, the Slashdot crowd are a little sceptical!!!!!!!!

Yet another bloody manifesto!!!!!!!

Honestly!!!!!!!!! As soon anyone gets an idea these days, they brand it, put it on tha NetWeb, and call it a flippin' "manifesto"!!!!!!!!!! I wouldn't be surprised if we get a "Ploppy Manifesto" the way things are going!!!!!!!!

Ahem anyway!!!!! The latest "manifesto" is actually an interesting one- the "Celestial Jukebox"!!!!!!!!!

Nope!!!!!!!! We're not talking about a supernatural afterlife musicians repository combo, featuring the likes of Hendrix and Cobain, you know, jamming and stuff!!!!!!!!! In fact it's a summary of one possible method of digital music distribution!!!!!!!!

Only prob- if it's got a "manifesto", how would you vote for a "celestial jukebox"?!?!??! I think even with the big hoo-hah over the US elections ATM, Bush and Gore might pay attention enough to say there might be a bit of a difficulty in allowing a nebulous concept of digital distribution for commercial musicians to gain political power!!!!!!! I mean, wouldn't it make the ballot papers even more confusing?!?!?!?!?!

Email- it's a lethal weapon!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!!! Those peeps in Fleet Street are really quick off their mark!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, check this article out!!!!!! This sharp dude called Terence has found out that on email you can apparently get flame messages which can go too far, messages which get can get taken the wrong way, and messages which dispense with the normal formality of letters!!!!!! In fact, far from being shielded by technology, email message are often a bit more honest!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!!! No flies on this bloke, eh!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesdays rather good quote!!!!!!

You cannot fight against the future. [So there, Melody Maker!!!!!!!! Time to reconsider your "Disco"... woops, I mean "UK Garage Sucks!!!!" campaign!!!!!]

Don't forget about... erm...!!!!!!

I had a great start to this story, but I forgot it!!!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!

Anyway!!!! Wot is this about, again?!?!?!?! ... Oh yes, memory!!!!!!! You know sometimes you forget some important word at a very important time?!?!?!?! Well, what you might not know is that it has something to do with a rather young baby (or "wean" as we say around my parts!!!!!)!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, some scientest bods have found out what causes TOTs, or Tip-Of-Tongue experiences!!!!!!! And the surprising conclusion they came to is that it's all due to, erm, "function of weak memory connections"!!!! And the way to avoid it is to keep the brain fit by doing brainy stuff like crosswords or something!!!!!!!!!!

Eh!?!?!?!?! I could have told you that!!!!!!!!! And this is supposed the result of scientific study is it?!?!?!?!?!?!

If you ask me, it sounds like they originally came up with a really great and useful conclusion, then they forgot all about it, and came up with this instead!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weblog aristocracy: a bunch of complete prats!!!!!!!

Well, I'd better be careful here, because I think one of people mentioned here might have been indirectly responsible for SC becoming Blog of the Week not so long ago!!!!!!!!!!! But ah so wot, this next article is a good laugh!!!!!!!!!!!

The person here is reacting to some New York Times article, using it as an excuse to vent their spleen about how a lot of top Bloggers who get all the media attention are not there because of their brilliance, but are in fact the Blogging equivalent of media whores!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm supposed to be surprised at this??!?!?! I would have thought you'd just need to take a look at some blogs to see how egotistical some of these folks are!!!!!!! Sometimes it's like reading a badly written episode of "Big Brother"!!!!!!!!!! Only less interesting!!!!!!!! Or readable!!!!!!!!!

Curse of "Select" claims Mr Biffo!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!! If being name-checked by Chumbawumba wasn't a sure enough kiss of death, then there's always Select magazine here in the UK!!!!! This month, it claims that apparently the Internet used to be full of anoracks and therefore completely inoffensive and non-revolutionary in every way!!!!!!!! But now it has a got a few more people like them, (Now that they've got someone to connect their Macs to tha NetWeb!!!!) and therefore the Net has got some "attitude" and other dead-tree media rock 'n' roll cliches!!!!!!!! And then they go on to mention a few webzines, half of which nearly everyone knows about, and the other half, no-one would really want to know about!!!!!! So it's basically just like another web-blog, only even more snooty!!!!!!!!!!!

And so bloody wot, you might say!!!!!!!!! Well, OK, you might expect nothing less from a bunch of sad spods who actually call themselves "Britain's only music culture magazine."!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But they're latest victims of the Curse of Select include none other than Teletext's Digitiser scribe, Mr Biffo, and his not-too-bad "adult humour" site Bubblegun!!!!!!!!! Which was already inactive by the time Select's feature went to press!!!!!!!!! And Biffo doesn't know when it's getting resurrected!!!!!!!!!

So Select's just done a feature which says the internet is more exciting than it used to be- by doing the same thing as everyone else did when it was supposed to be "nerdy", and reporting on a now inactive website!!!!!!!!! And they get paid for this!!!!!!!

Shoplifting CDs- in reverse!!!!!!!

Droplift!!!!!!!!! No, I'm not talking about a new technique for plastic surgery here!!!!!!!!! I'm in fact talking about a new method of music distribution!!!!!!!!!!! According to this site, "Droplifting" is a technique whereby one sneakily inserts a CD into a record shop without them noticing!!!!!!!!! Suprisingly enough, a lot of the folks who are in favour of it use a lot of unauthorised samples!!!!!!!

Still!!!!! At last, PritStik can find a way to get their records into the shops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're not just some 2 bit band- they're an 8-bit one!!!!!!!!

OK, we've already had a C64 tune in the UK charts by Dave Whittaker!!!!! (ie Kernkraft 400's "Zombie Nation", which is ripped off the music for the "Stardust" section of C64 game "Lazy Jones"!!!!!!) So this lot might have a bit of a chance!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out Minibosses, who do cover versions of stuff, like the theme tunes to Ghosts and Goblins and Castlevania!!!!!!!!!!

Of course the great thing about this is that if they say any naughty words in the songs, no-one will notice the extra bleepy noises if they beep it out!!!!!!!

Cats- the new Barbie?!?!??!?!?!?!?

Here's another bunch of people to steer clear of!!!!!! You know the sort of sick people who make paintings or sculptures of fluffy little kittens dressed up in ye olde worlde clothes?!??!?!?! Well, here's a webby equivalent who do it with Photoshop, and then construct vom-inducing stories around them!!!!!!!!!

Don't appear in a Chris Cunningham movie!!!!!!

As this "Before -> After" piccy shows, you never know what might happen to your face!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday's alleged "joke" quote

"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put". [Well, keep away from Yoda then!!!!!!!!!!!]

Weekend dreary quotee!!!

Those who in quarrels interpose
Must often wipe a bloody nose
[As do those to think it really great to rhyme
Erm... All of the flipping time!!!!!!!!!]

Belgium: "chaotic"!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!!!!! Only a couple of days after I mention the old "Do They Mean Us?" prog from the olden days of tha tellybox, apparently the British Council has done a survey of attitudes to Britain from non-Brits!!!!!!!!! And it's not exactly positive either!!!!! One Argentinian is quoted as saying:

I'd rather live in a more chaotic place, some place more emotional, like Belgium.

Stop laughing at the back there!!!!!! Any country that's responsible for the evil brew that is Hoegaarden beer has got to be a little bit 'chaotic'!!!!!! (Or least it will be after a couple of pints of Hoegaarden!!!!!!)

Bush vs Gore- Bad user interface!!!!!!!

Well, we mentioned yesterday the problems some US folk have putting the pointy thing in the right hole!!!!!!!!! But now the voting problems in the Florida state vote for the Prez have become a "usability interface" issue!!!!! At least, according to this page, amusingly titled "Usability bug chooses next president?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch out- it's the "pirate detector" vans!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!! Apparently the BSA, who are very down on software piracy have "pirate detector" vans, which can detect pirate software on PCs!!!!!! And they showed off their "hardware" at no less a place than Glasgow Central railway station on Tuesday!!!!!!

Shame I wasn't there!!!!!! Or else I would have got out my "fib detector" van and scanned them to see what happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!