Todays bon mot!!!!

Justice is truth in action. [Whilst a lot of what passes for "justice" these days is just plain in-action!!!!!!!]

Non-English Internet: "We don't understand it"!!!!!!

So much for brainboxes on tha NetWeb!!!!!!!!

Loadsa people on this side of the the globe are kicking up a fuss about the possibility of non-English characters being used on netty protocols like domain names and suchlike!!!!!! Apparently this is a prob because, erm, the whole internet's based on the English language and it's really had to change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erm, if it's so inflexible, perhaps it would be a good idea to flippin' well fix it then?!?!?!?!!

If you've no friends- download Netscape!!!!!!!!

Well, here's somethine you might want to downloaddy instead of "The Final Countdown"!!!!!!!!!!!

According to this jolly litle press release, you can get a list of "Buddies" if you use Netscape Instant Messenger!!!!! Just the sort of thing if you're a sad spod with no friends!!!!!!!

Hey Mr Music Musician: Where can I download "hooky" MOR MP3s!?!??!?!

One of the nice things if you're an artist at mp3.com is that you get fan mail!!!!!!! And unless you're really bad, it's mostly positive!!!!!!!! However, one artist got this, erm, rather interesting email!!!!!!!!!

From:
To: xxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, November 14, 2000 10:07 PM
Subject: A fan has sent you an email

Enter your message to the artist here.

I want find the EUROPE band, for mp3 donlwod. I waith from your som
indication "EUROPE" and how I can downloud "the final condaunt"?

As the artist said to me: "Do I look like a f@£&ing expert on 80s MOR?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch out- it's the "MP3 Detector" Servers!!!!!!!

Blimey!!!!! It seems to be "desperate scare tactics week" from the anti-piracy forces!!!!!!! Just a couple of days after we heard about the "pirate detector vans", there's now news of some company that says it can positively identify MP3s using "DNA technology" and it wants to scour the entire NetWeb for "hooky" MPeggies!!!!!!!!

Somewhat surprisingly, the Slashdot crowd are a little sceptical!!!!!!!!

Yet another bloody manifesto!!!!!!!

Honestly!!!!!!!!! As soon anyone gets an idea these days, they brand it, put it on tha NetWeb, and call it a flippin' "manifesto"!!!!!!!!!! I wouldn't be surprised if we get a "Ploppy Manifesto" the way things are going!!!!!!!!

Ahem anyway!!!!! The latest "manifesto" is actually an interesting one- the "Celestial Jukebox"!!!!!!!!!

Nope!!!!!!!! We're not talking about a supernatural afterlife musicians repository combo, featuring the likes of Hendrix and Cobain, you know, jamming and stuff!!!!!!!!! In fact it's a summary of one possible method of digital music distribution!!!!!!!!

Only prob- if it's got a "manifesto", how would you vote for a "celestial jukebox"?!?!??! I think even with the big hoo-hah over the US elections ATM, Bush and Gore might pay attention enough to say there might be a bit of a difficulty in allowing a nebulous concept of digital distribution for commercial musicians to gain political power!!!!!!! I mean, wouldn't it make the ballot papers even more confusing?!?!?!?!?!

Email- it's a lethal weapon!!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!!! Those peeps in Fleet Street are really quick off their mark!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, check this article out!!!!!! This sharp dude called Terence has found out that on email you can apparently get flame messages which can go too far, messages which get can get taken the wrong way, and messages which dispense with the normal formality of letters!!!!!! In fact, far from being shielded by technology, email message are often a bit more honest!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!!! No flies on this bloke, eh!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesdays rather good quote!!!!!!

You cannot fight against the future. [So there, Melody Maker!!!!!!!! Time to reconsider your "Disco"... woops, I mean "UK Garage Sucks!!!!" campaign!!!!!]

Don't forget about... erm...!!!!!!

I had a great start to this story, but I forgot it!!!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!

Anyway!!!! Wot is this about, again?!?!?!?! ... Oh yes, memory!!!!!!! You know sometimes you forget some important word at a very important time?!?!?!?! Well, what you might not know is that it has something to do with a rather young baby (or "wean" as we say around my parts!!!!!)!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, some scientest bods have found out what causes TOTs, or Tip-Of-Tongue experiences!!!!!!! And the surprising conclusion they came to is that it's all due to, erm, "function of weak memory connections"!!!! And the way to avoid it is to keep the brain fit by doing brainy stuff like crosswords or something!!!!!!!!!!

Eh!?!?!?!?! I could have told you that!!!!!!!!! And this is supposed the result of scientific study is it?!?!?!?!?!?!

If you ask me, it sounds like they originally came up with a really great and useful conclusion, then they forgot all about it, and came up with this instead!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weblog aristocracy: a bunch of complete prats!!!!!!!

Well, I'd better be careful here, because I think one of people mentioned here might have been indirectly responsible for SC becoming Blog of the Week not so long ago!!!!!!!!!!! But ah so wot, this next article is a good laugh!!!!!!!!!!!

The person here is reacting to some New York Times article, using it as an excuse to vent their spleen about how a lot of top Bloggers who get all the media attention are not there because of their brilliance, but are in fact the Blogging equivalent of media whores!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm supposed to be surprised at this??!?!?! I would have thought you'd just need to take a look at some blogs to see how egotistical some of these folks are!!!!!!! Sometimes it's like reading a badly written episode of "Big Brother"!!!!!!!!!! Only less interesting!!!!!!!! Or readable!!!!!!!!!

Curse of "Select" claims Mr Biffo!!!!!

Crikey!!!!!! If being name-checked by Chumbawumba wasn't a sure enough kiss of death, then there's always Select magazine here in the UK!!!!! This month, it claims that apparently the Internet used to be full of anoracks and therefore completely inoffensive and non-revolutionary in every way!!!!!!!! But now it has a got a few more people like them, (Now that they've got someone to connect their Macs to tha NetWeb!!!!) and therefore the Net has got some "attitude" and other dead-tree media rock 'n' roll cliches!!!!!!!! And then they go on to mention a few webzines, half of which nearly everyone knows about, and the other half, no-one would really want to know about!!!!!! So it's basically just like another web-blog, only even more snooty!!!!!!!!!!!

And so bloody wot, you might say!!!!!!!!! Well, OK, you might expect nothing less from a bunch of sad spods who actually call themselves "Britain's only music culture magazine."!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But they're latest victims of the Curse of Select include none other than Teletext's Digitiser scribe, Mr Biffo, and his not-too-bad "adult humour" site Bubblegun!!!!!!!!! Which was already inactive by the time Select's feature went to press!!!!!!!!! And Biffo doesn't know when it's getting resurrected!!!!!!!!!

So Select's just done a feature which says the internet is more exciting than it used to be- by doing the same thing as everyone else did when it was supposed to be "nerdy", and reporting on a now inactive website!!!!!!!!! And they get paid for this!!!!!!!

Shoplifting CDs- in reverse!!!!!!!

Droplift!!!!!!!!! No, I'm not talking about a new technique for plastic surgery here!!!!!!!!! I'm in fact talking about a new method of music distribution!!!!!!!!!!! According to this site, "Droplifting" is a technique whereby one sneakily inserts a CD into a record shop without them noticing!!!!!!!!! Suprisingly enough, a lot of the folks who are in favour of it use a lot of unauthorised samples!!!!!!!

Still!!!!! At last, PritStik can find a way to get their records into the shops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're not just some 2 bit band- they're an 8-bit one!!!!!!!!

OK, we've already had a C64 tune in the UK charts by Dave Whittaker!!!!! (ie Kernkraft 400's "Zombie Nation", which is ripped off the music for the "Stardust" section of C64 game "Lazy Jones"!!!!!!) So this lot might have a bit of a chance!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out Minibosses, who do cover versions of stuff, like the theme tunes to Ghosts and Goblins and Castlevania!!!!!!!!!!

Of course the great thing about this is that if they say any naughty words in the songs, no-one will notice the extra bleepy noises if they beep it out!!!!!!!

Cats- the new Barbie?!?!??!?!?!?!?

Here's another bunch of people to steer clear of!!!!!! You know the sort of sick people who make paintings or sculptures of fluffy little kittens dressed up in ye olde worlde clothes?!??!?!?! Well, here's a webby equivalent who do it with Photoshop, and then construct vom-inducing stories around them!!!!!!!!!

Don't appear in a Chris Cunningham movie!!!!!!

As this "Before -> After" piccy shows, you never know what might happen to your face!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday's alleged "joke" quote

"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put". [Well, keep away from Yoda then!!!!!!!!!!!]

Weekend dreary quotee!!!

Those who in quarrels interpose
Must often wipe a bloody nose
[As do those to think it really great to rhyme
Erm... All of the flipping time!!!!!!!!!]

Belgium: "chaotic"!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!!!!! Only a couple of days after I mention the old "Do They Mean Us?" prog from the olden days of tha tellybox, apparently the British Council has done a survey of attitudes to Britain from non-Brits!!!!!!!!! And it's not exactly positive either!!!!! One Argentinian is quoted as saying:

I'd rather live in a more chaotic place, some place more emotional, like Belgium.

Stop laughing at the back there!!!!!! Any country that's responsible for the evil brew that is Hoegaarden beer has got to be a little bit 'chaotic'!!!!!! (Or least it will be after a couple of pints of Hoegaarden!!!!!!)

Bush vs Gore- Bad user interface!!!!!!!

Well, we mentioned yesterday the problems some US folk have putting the pointy thing in the right hole!!!!!!!!! But now the voting problems in the Florida state vote for the Prez have become a "usability interface" issue!!!!! At least, according to this page, amusingly titled "Usability bug chooses next president?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch out- it's the "pirate detector" vans!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!! Apparently the BSA, who are very down on software piracy have "pirate detector" vans, which can detect pirate software on PCs!!!!!! And they showed off their "hardware" at no less a place than Glasgow Central railway station on Tuesday!!!!!!

Shame I wasn't there!!!!!! Or else I would have got out my "fib detector" van and scanned them to see what happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday's rather unhelpful quote!!!!

It's simply fantastic the amount of work you can get done if you don't do anything else. [Yes isn't it!!!!! But then you wouldn't get great stuff like this lovely page wot you are reading!!!!!!!]

You can get addicted- to gardening!!!!!!!!!

Oh no!!!!!!!! According to this study, behaviours such as gambling can be addictive!!!!!! According to some scientist boffin: "If you accept that, you then accept that sex, computer games, even gardening, can be addictive."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No wonder Alan Titchmarsh looks so happy all the time!!!!!!!!!!

Relax: The world's not ending in 2030!!!!!

U-no, it's a bit of a bummer when you're speaking to a conference and telling them that the world only has a few years to save itself from the Unix Year 2038 Bug, and everyone congratulates you on your foresight, then you go outside, and suddenly a big asteroid hits Earth, extinguishing all life on it!!!!!!!!!

Well, you have one less worry now!!!!! Apparently that big rock which supposedly had a 1-in-500 chance of zapping the ol' globe in 2030 isn't actually going to hit us after all!!!!!

So I'll have some extra time to do the gardening then!!!!!!!!!

UK Music lovers: give us your money!!!!!

Well, in the UK we might grumble about high CD prices, but apparently according to some survey, we're now more likely to accept paying for downloading music online!!!!!!!!!!!

But why bother paying for new-fangled digimusic when you get really great MP3s like stuff from PritStik for free?!?!?!?!

I'm quite happy to say I would never pay for anything from that group!!!!!

Putting a hole in the right place is jolly confusing, say US voters!!!!

What with this continuing kerfuffle over who's going to be the next US Prez, which has the possibility to get even more confusing, it's good to see that not all the problems with the US elections have been due to legal and constitutional problems!!!!!! Apparently some voters in Florida just found the voting form frightfully confusing and voted for the wrong person!!!!!!!!!

Now, that's what I call an old fish farm!!!!!!!

Well, coming from Scotland, of course I know a little about fish farms!!!!!! But apparently the Bolovians are really old hands at it!!!!!! Archaeologists have found a massive 300 year old fish farm there!!!!!!!

Apparently, the area is also good for edible snails, so maybe there was a lot of French folks around there at the time as well!!!!!!!!

Sarky Britney Spears fan disses MS!!!!!

It looks like Microsoft has been hacked again, right after they said they has secured their website!!!!!!!!

But ouch, my ears!!!!!! Wots that you're bawling!??!?! Wot do you mean "Yes, we already know that, you old man!!!!!"?!?!??!?!? Well, OK, everyone has probably heard the story now, but not so well covered is what the hacked wrote when he cracked the site- as you can see, it's a bit sarky!!!!!!!!!!! He also appears to be a fan of Britney Spears!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mahir's Back!!!!!

I love folkdance I can do - - I love x x x ... If can take good electrik I want many many times

Yes!!!!! Our old friend Mahir is back after travelling all over the world!!!!!! He appears to be quite a good egg really, being in favour of famine aid, human rights, and so on... But he still hasn't found any girls tho!!!!!! Why ever not I wonder?!?!?!? I mean, check out the photo on the page of him in his dancing days!!!!!! (Just above the words "I must not change never"...) What red-blooded female could resist such a King of the Disco Swing?!?!?!?!?!

You have to show a bit of cheek to get in here- literally!!!!!!!!

If you're going to nightclubs in Holland, watch out!!!!!! You might get the bouncers saying: "I can't let you in mate, I don't like your face!!!!!!!" Well, maybe not- but this new computer face-scanning system newly installed in 15 Dutch clubs will!!!!!!! This new system is meant to keep out "troublemakers" and drug dealers!!!!! Only prob tho- what if the drug dealers make enough money to get themselves some plastic surgery?!?!?!?!??!?!

Thursday's interestlingly thought out quote!!!!

Silence is the virtue of fools. [Especially if they talk a lot of crap when they're not silent!!!!!!!!!]

Old Fart misses jewels heist!!!!!!!

Curses!!!!!!!!!! I just missed this one!!!!!! Just three days after I toddle along to tha Millenium Dome, a bunch of thieves get foiled after trying to break into part of the Money, and steal a load of jewels!!!!!!!!!!

Still, at least it was a "great day out" for all visitors on the day!!!!!! And it appears to have helped attendance figures as well!!!!!!!!! (Hmmmmmm..... !!!!!!)

Get email- from a funny little splodge!!!!!!!

Hey!!!!! This sounds like a great idea!!!!!!!! Someone's made some contraption to read a specially printed funny little ink splodge printed on a page next in a product catalogue!!!!!! Then it can link up with your compute, and get it to email details of the products back to you!!!!!!!!

Which sounds really spiffy, as I can't get enough of good ol' spam mail!!!!!!!! (Actually, I'm joking there!!!!!!!!!!)

Senior Citizen: Micromedia!!!!!!

U-no, I used to think "Micromedia" was some computer telly show from the 1980s which featured Fred Harris and Ian McNaught-Davis!!!!!!!!!! But I was wrong!!!!!!! In fact, there's no "BBC model B" in this article about "Micromedia"!!!!!!!!! Apparently it's all about "nascent communities of interest", whatever that means!!!!!!!!! But apparently it has something to do with weblogs, just like the one wot you are reading at this very moment!!!!!! Only we of course started it before Blogger came along!!!!!! Honest!!! Look!!!!!!

Grant Gets Gubbed- at Glasgow!!!!!!!!

Well, I suppose he has to adjust being a more "emotional" "new man" on telly now, but this is ridiculous!!!!!! Ross Kemp, aka former Eastender's "hard man" Grant Mitchell rather meekly resigns as Glasgow University Rector!!!!!!!!!!!

As previous Uni rector Victor Meldrew might have put it, "I!!!! Do!!!!!! Not!!!!! Bee-leeeeeeeeeve it!!!!!!! etc."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Use Napster on tha w3- thanx to a wierdo!!!!!!!

Well, Napster might be on it's last legs, but that hasn't stopped the folks at Weirdo.com starting a netwebby versh of it!!! You can now go an tha NetWeb, create an account, search Napster and Gnutella, and then resolutely not download any MP3s because of course it's very naughty!!!!!!!!

So it's a bit like My MP3.com without the legal bits, and Napster without the program bits!!!!!

Today's rather prescient quote!!!

If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way you were told. [Paying attention CNN/NBC/ABC!??!?! Next time try declaring who the president is after the actual flipping votes have been counted!!!!!!!!]

Bill Gates: I was naive!!!!!!!

Cripes!!!!! First Wired does an about-turn on the virtues of bringing the NetWeb to tha Masses, now Bill Gates is suddenly having second thoughts about being a globalistic capitalist!!!!!!!!!!

Gates, who has long extolled the power of computers to solve the world's problems, criticized himself for having been "naive--very naive." He has shifted the focus of the $21-billion Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation from that of donating Information Age technology to meeting the health needs of the poorest, beginning with the widespread distribution of vaccines.

The New York Times reported that Gates "has lost much of the faith he once had that global capitalism would prove capable of solving the most immediate catastrophes facing the world's poorest people, especially the 40,000 deaths a day from preventable diseases. He added that more philanthropy and more government aid--especially a greater contribution to foreign health programs by American taxpayers--are needed for that."

Crikey!!!!! And today we've got the US state where Mickey Mouse lives deciding who the next US Prez izz!!!!!

Has Osama Bin Laden put LSD in the US water supply or something?!?!??!?!

More olde Digi folks!!!!

Well, apart from watching presidential candidates trip up over fallen US TV pundits with egg on their faces, there's not much else doing on tha NetWeb ATM!!!!!!! So here's another bit of feedback to my ad for SC on news://alt.digitiser/!!!!! This one's from Zyogte's, who I seem to dimly remember last time I was on there!!!!

[Quotes entire message and adds...]

Fucking old skool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm... !!! Wots this about SC that causes grown men to swear?!??!?!?!?!

"Mickey Mouse" Election Coverage!!!!!!!

I never expected to be witnessing a US democracy drama over breakfast!!!! But that's what's happened in this morning in my pad in humble old Glasgow, Scotland watching the US elections!!!! At this point the race is now down to one state- Florida, home of Disneyworld and Mickey Mouse!!!! Either candidate must win to enter the White House!!!!!!

When I went into the kitchen to make tea, US TV was saying Bush had won it according to their polls, and declared Bush prez!!!! Apparently Gore had even phoned Bush to offer congrats!!! Which was jolly funny as a few hours ago, the same US pundits were Florida saying was "too close to call", and before that, that Gore had won it!!!!

Anyway, I make the tea, and come back to find that the vote in Florida is actually "too close to call" after all, and Gore has retracted his congrats!!!!

Now... If US TV can hoodwink two candidates for one of the most powerful positions in the world into thinking the election is over when it's not, isn't that a little.. well, "off"?!?!?!

I also heard that in previous elections some voters on the West coast of the US were put off voting just before the polls closed, because exit polls on the East coast and central US had already declared one of the candidates a winner!!!!!! In fact, the whole process of taking electoral "exit" polls, published right after the ballot box has closed, (ie before any of the votes have been counted) as a serious basis for deciding who becomes prez seems a little cranky from my UK viewpoint!!!! What's the flipping point of voting then if the actual counting of the votes is less important than some opinion poll, which, as the ones for Florida show, can be pretty unreliable?!?!?

Look, you idiots in USTV-land!!!!! Counting votes actually takes some flipping time you know!!!!!! It doesn't matter if it's not quick enough for max "ratings" and ad revenues!!!! That's how elections are decided, not your flipping opinion polls!!!!!! In my humble opinion you lot deserve a good kick in the wotsits for this farcical larking about!!!!!

(NB for non-UK readers: In the UK no "exit" polls are allowed in a general election until all the polls have shut at 10pm... Okay, we have only one timezone and not three like the US, but you get the general idea!!!!! And victory is never declared until enough of the actual results- counted from votes cast- have been declared!!!!)

UK: "a nation of big girls' blouses"!!!!!! (Part 2!!!!!)

Looks like David Aaronovitch is apparently not responsible for "Remembrance of the Daleks" at all!!!!!! Looks like I got the wrong Aaronovitch!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!

Anyway, the non-Dalek Aaronovitch hasn't got too much to write about these days!!!!!! He's still banging on about coverage of the recent storms!!!!!!!

[...] hyperbole and absurd exaggeration now paint us, not as a place of civilised contention, but as a "banana republic" or a "Third-World country". Such is the competitive ratcheting upwards of the description of the scale of Britain's disaster that one more event will have us "returning to the Stone Age", or even the Cretaceous period.

Fair enough, Dave, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't consider calming down a little yourself!!!!!!!

Geeks- you're not wierdos!!!!!!

Hey!!!! This is good news for old Net vets like me!!!! By which I of course mean internet veterans, not fishnet vetenarians!!!!!!!

According to some survey, apparently people who use the internet a lot are not socially deprived morons!!!!!

Well, to be honest, I could have told you that!!!!!! I mean, anyone reading this cannot help but be impressed with my immense intellect and cultured outlook on life, can they?!?!??!?!

Senior Citizen predicts Napster Death!!!!!

Well, I was a bit too busy last week to see that Napster has signed a deal with the ol' Bertelsmen Music Group to go towards a subscription music service!!!! Of course, the Slashdot crowd see it as the end of Napster!!!!!!!

Which is jolly strange, as the week before that on SC we were saying pretty much the same thing!!!!!!!!! Spooky or wot?!?!?!?

Hey Kids- South Park is really bad!!!!!

Don't you just love it when an expensive survey comes up with completely unexpected conclusion!!!!!! Get this- apparently someone thinks South Park is setting a really bad example for kids!!!!!!

Well, you might think, why the four fruit marmalade are kids watching an adult programmme like South Park anyway, but strangely enough this survey didn't really bother asking that one!!!!

There's also apparently an "increased confidence in challenging authority" from kids these days as well!!!!!! Er, small point, but given that generally young folk are more likely to have an eye kept on their actions these days, wouldn't you expect that!??!?!?!!?! There's more authority from you lot for them to challenge, and given that you're watching them more, you're more likely to see when they're challenging it!!!!!

So the obvious answer appears to be: stop being so flipping "down" on the kids you idiots!!!!!!

Shakespeare- gone to "pot"!!!!! (Doh!!!!!)

Well, at least in the UK, we've got something to be smug about- the greatest playright of the English language apparently only indulged in waccy baccy!!!!!!!! But for those who were rather suprised by some brainy bods findings that Ol' Shake was on drugs when he wrote that "To be or not to be" doggerel, you might be even more surprised at some of the articles it has already inspired!!!!!!

"By yea and nay, thy lum needs sweeping," quoth I. "Who is thy coal-man? Try it with the damper in."

"Lum me no lums and coal me no coal-man," quoth Shakey, "this hath naught to do with a sea-coal fire. This fragrant smoke is the effluent of my sweet tobacco. I have it from an excellent rogue by the name of Lebanese Red."

He handed me a pipe and a box of Swan of Avon Vestas. I sat in the fireside, the pipe in my jaw. I lit the lump therein, very like an Oxo cube. And on the instant, through the natural gates and alleys of the body, did I feel an easy mellowness ooze - easy like Sunday morning (must use that). And straight did I fall a-giggling.

"What manner of shit is this," I asked the bearded, bald-head loon, "that acteth so strange upon the blood?"

"Such stuff as dreams are made on," quotha. "Now, what seemeth to be the problem, cock?"

And this is from the flippin' Scotsman of all places!!!!!!

Germans politicians: white powder!!!!!!!

Well, with the possibility that the US is going to elect a former cocaine user as leader of the Free World, at least the folk in the German parliament should rest a bit easier!!!!!! Especially after traces of cocaine were found in most of their toilets!!!!!!!!!!

US Presidential Frenzy- in UK papers!!!!

You might have dimly noticed that there's a US presidential election on today!!!!!! In the UK, we certainly have!!!!!! Even in our US-friendly media, there seems to a lot of excitement about todays polls!!!!!!!

When I was doing my round of newspapers, I noticed the Glasgow Herald gave it a front page story, and inside said the result was really important to UK politics!!!!!!! Then I popped along to The Scotsman, which gave it a front page story, and inside said the result was really important to UK politics!!!!!!! And blow me down if I didn't toddle along to The Independent, (ho ho!!!!) and was most surprised to see they also gave it a front page story, and inside said the result was really important to UK politics- twice!!!!!!!

One thing I notice they haven't covered so far is poor old VoteAuction.com, which seem to be under constant attack from various public figures who don't quite like their parody of political funding campaigns and appear to be pressurising various ISPs and even NIC into shutting off access to them!!!! Never mind tho- they've still got an IP number, (62.116.31.68) and are getting loadsa people to point their domain names to them!!!!!! So yet again internet censorship gets a kick in the brown eye!!!!! More exampes of that in this interesting little article!!!!!!

Today's rather patronising quote!!!!

Prosperity best discovers vice- but adversity best discovers virtue. [In other words, the poor are the "salt of the Earth"!!!! Thank you very much for this amazingly original and not-at-all patronising insight!!!!!]

Some feedback from alt.digitser!!!!

Well, I've starting posting the odd ad for SC on Usenet again, and I found out that news://alt.digitiser/ is still going!!!!! And I've already had a reply to my ad on there!!!!

On Mon, 06 Nov 2000 21:53:35 GMT, oldfart_sed@my-deja.com wrote:

>Yes!!! The wonderfull webby maggy SENIOR CITIZEN is back!!!!

FUCK ME BACKWARDS

HELLO MY DEAR. HOW'VE YOU BEEN. WHERE'VE YOU BEEN.

I MISSED YOU.

--Nick.

Crikey!!!!! Thanks, Nick!!!!

The quotes we missed!!!

Time for the supadupa corny quotes we missed while I was getting on down in London Town!!!!!!!

Enjoy yourself- it's later than you think! [Cripes!!!! A secret fan of The Specials, no less!!!! You've gone right up in my estimation!!!!!]

Riches are for spending. [... And right back down again!!!! Riches for spending?!?! What else would they be used for?!?!?!? Playing Cluedo?!??!?!]

Virtues are learned at your mothers knee- vices at some other joint. [Wot, like the elbow?!?!?!]

US Rock Criticism: boring!!!!!!!

Well, you don't need to tell me how incredibly boring some US rock mags are!!!!!!! I mean, Rolling Stone- presumably so called because it's about as interesting as a watching a boulder in transit!!!!!! And Spin- even the name suggests "hype"!!!!!!!!! So it's not too surprising to see some folks on tha NetWeb agree with me!!!!!!! Apparently the main problems are:

1. The bands are boring!!!!!!!!
   
2. The writers are boring!!!!!!!!
   
3. The record companies virtually run the show!!!!! (And they're not very interesting either!!!!!!)
   

Sounds like everyone concerned needs a good kick up the tradesmans entrance if you ask me!!!!!

Wired News says: Internet publishing is not very good!!!!!

Crickey!!!!! It's like Johnny Rotten saying he likes The Corrs!!!!!!!!! Just check out this sniffy little review of Matt Drudge's new book, which is titled: "Review: Drudge, as in Sludge"!!!!!! Apparently it's badly written and Drudge is a bit full of himself!!!!!!

Fair enough, but then we get a lot of self-righteous nonsense about how Drudge's w3site and internet publishing in general:

But Drudge's shtick about being a virtual high-priest of democracy sounds hollow, as does his repeated claims that the Internet will render all other media irrelevant. ("TV is dead," he claims.)

First, as Drudge points out, he made his name at a time when established media had not yet taken to the Internet, or at least not in a serious way. Now they have. The window of opportunity for freebooters to loom large has closed.

Second, the fact that anyone can set up shop at home just as Drudge did also dilutes the impact of any single individual -- or worse.

"The problem I'm seeing immediately is if other Drudge Reports pop up -- and they will -- it is romantic to have one person running down the street screaming, 'Extra! extra!' but if you have a thousand it could start looking like an insane asylum," Drudge told a National Press Club gathering in June 1998. "So, if indeed we start having tens of thousands of people all reporting news, hundreds of channels reporting news, all the different cable channels -- click, click, click -- I think people will grow disinterested."

Erm, so can we assume that this is not Wired News being jealous of Matt Drudge's "Report" starting off the whole "Zippergate" business, and thus affecting the mainstream news media in a way that Wired never did?!?!?!?! And surely the Wired folks can't in any be getting all huffy with the great unwashed moving into their territory, and publishing stuff on "their" internet?!?!?! Hang on, I thought that's what you buffons wanted in the first place!!!!!! But now it's clear that it hasn't quite turned out like a Californian Age of Aquarius, you seem to changing your colours pretty quickly!!!!!

Sounds like a case of that "Californication" lark that those Red Hot Chilli Pepper chappies seem to be going on about these days!!!!!!!

London Farts- epilogue!!!!!

Just to bring things up to date... I had a couple of pints in some pub called Coopers in the Victoria train station!!!!!!!! And I was blethering away with various people about how expensive things are in London!!!!!! Then we got chucked out due to some antiquated licensing law in England which says that pubs have to shut at 10:30pm!!!!!! It's just as well tho- that's when I had to go for my bus!!!!!! BTW does anyone know why on earth they can have an express train service straight to Heathrow airport from Victoria railway station, but they put the flippin' Victoria bus station miles away?!?!?!?!

Well, the bus journey up to Glasgow was not too bad!!!!!!!! I managed to get to sleep despite some flapping bit of machinery that kept tapping arhythmically at the back, sounding not unlike a lunatic with a tambourine!!!!!! I have to say tho, I pity the folks who had to stay on the bus after Glasgow- it was going all the way up to Aberdeen in time for 11 o' clock in the morning!!!! Imagine have to spend 12 hours in a bus with that bloody tapping!!!!!!!

Finally I got home and crawled into my bed!!!!!!!!!!! And now I'm up!!!!!! Tomorrow I'm taking the camera film down to tha megamighty Boots!!!!!

Er... And that's it!!!!!! The End!!!!!!!!!

London Farts- part 2!!!!!!!

So wot did I do today then!??!?!

Well, first thing after I was thrown out of the Internet cafe was I had a nice walk along Kensington High Street!!!! One thing I noticed is that there's a department store called Barkers!!!!!!! No wonder Ronnie Barker retired!!!!! He's obviously very busy in the retail business now!!!!!

After that was some gigantic park thingy (With loads of joggers puffing about!!!!!! Until I started putting tripwires between the trees, that is!!!!) called Kensington Common!!!! Don't expect me to say anything interesting about it, because there isn't anything interesting about it!!!!! It's just a big park!!!!!

At one end of the common is that Albert Memorial thingy!!!!!! Remember that bloke Derek Jamieson on that old "Do They Mean Us?" telly proggy, about how other countries view us!??!?!? Absolutely required viewing of course, not so much because of the telly clips shown but because of Jamieson's hilariously stuffy reactions to them!!!!! I remember one time he was chortling over some Iranian TV piece about how the Albert memorial represents Britain being morally bankrupt imperialist aggressors etc., etc, ...Then there was some bit where some policeman on a mounted horse rides by the monument with some really dramatic music in the background, as if to say "See?!??!?! They're still the same even today!!!!!!", and Jamieson goes "What on Earth was that all about?!??!?!?"!!!!!!!! Mind you, he didn't like Scots then either!!!!!!!!!! Now he lives in Glasgow, thinks Glaswegians are really nice!!!!!!!! Ha!!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyway!!!! Behind that was the Albert Hall!!!! Actually, it looks a bit smaller than you see on telly!!!!!!! I looked at the programme to see what on there, and it's bloody David Essex!!!!!!!!!!!

After a quick persual of my map, I realise that that the Victoria & Albert Museum was not too far away!!!!!! So I walked on down there, and guess wot... On the way, I ran into the entrance of Imperial College, whose FTP servers have stored some of the old Senior Dads demos!!!!!!! In future time, this will be worshipped as a shrine to classic demo design!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I popped into the V&A (As those young whippersnappers who run it now call it!!!!!) and there was almost as much stuff in it as the flippin' Louvre!!!!!!!! There was some massive rooms with gigantic reproductions of bits of sculptures!!!!! They were just lying around, dwarfing the human visitors, making it look like a giants attic!!!!!!! In one room, there were two rather massive columns which threaten to put even my own massive column to shame!!!!!! Talking of which, they also had a full size reproduction (!!!) of that Michaelangelo statue of David with his knob hanging out!!!! I must say that the tourists nearby were most impressed when I loudly declared that it wasn't as big as mine!!!!!

After spending a couple of hours find the way out, I came out the front entrance to notice that it was starting to cloud over!!!!!!!! For most of the weekend, it was actually jolly nice weather!!!!! Not the wind and rain and fire and brimstone that had been predicted at all!!!!! So, it looked like it might be raining soon- wot should I do before it really buckets down?!?!?! I know- hunt some Wombles!!!!!!!!!

So I ventured all the way to Wimbledon on tha tube, had to trek up a hill to the Wimbledon High Street (Which I notice has all the nice cafe and horse riding stables whilst the lower part of Wimbledon has the MacDonalds and supermarkets!!!!) and eventually came to Wimbledon Common!!!!!! But I searched High and Low, and I couldn't find any Wombles!!!!!!!!! It was just starting to rain, but I don't think that's why the Wombles disappeared!!!!!!! Wimbledon Common is not the rolling greenery you might have supposed it was to be from watching tha tellybox- in fact it was more like something out the Blair Witch Project!!!!!!! Anyway, I got bored and trudged back down the hill- at which I remembered that in one of the books, the Wombles had actually moved away from Wimbledon Common to some other place, so there actually any Wombles to find!!!!!!!!! You can bet I felt a right berk at that point!!!!!!

Anyway, back to the centre of London!!!!! And after some eats, I decided to go to Picadilly Circus!!!! Unfortunately it was too dark, and I couldn't take any piccies!!!!! Anywayz (!!!!), I found this rather extraordinary place there called the London Trocadero which was mainly filled with this rather large amusement arcade called Funworld!!!!!! There were the usual "SuperDuperUltraRacer X3.4 VR" type jobbies, but there were one of two rather neato ones!!!!! Ones to watch out for are: Bishi-Bashi Championship, which plays like a game from the mind of someone who watches too much Scooby Doo!!!!!!! And the other biggy is Pirate, which is basically like Pilotwings, only it's a pirate ship, and you steer it using a controller shaped like ye olde wooden captains steering wheel!!!!!!!!!! And the graphics are pretty neat as well- I expect the laywers behind Captain Pugwash will be after the makers of this game!!!!!

So that's that!!!!!! I'm now going to go off and have a couple of "jars" at a couple of pubs on the way to the bus station!!!!!!!

Bye from London!!!!!

London farts- part 1.2!!!!!!!

Right!!!!!!!!!! Now I'm really annoyed!!!!!!!!!

The little internet compute in the Youth Hostel that I was typing my stuff on last night ran out of credits about 30 seconds after I posted my evening doodlings to Blogger, and about 5 seconds before Blogger received my evening doodlings!!!!! So I have to type them all over again!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!!! I'm now typing this stuffs the following morning from some internet cafe down the road because

1. It's cheaper!!!!!!
   
2. It's reliable!!!!!
   

All I can say is thank goodness that idiot who disrupted the sleep of nearly everyone else in the room the night before last with his authentic snoring impression of a broken down lawnmover wasn't there last night!!!!! Otherwise I might really been in a truly foul mood today!!!!!!

Anyway let's go back in time... (Mysterious "going back in time" type incidental music please, Bob!!!!!)

So, back to tha Dome!!!!!!!!!! While I was waiting until the Blackadder film showing, I went a couple of other zones!!! The "Self-portait" started off a bit primary school stylee with a montage of various pictures and written comments from various random peeps about why such a particular image represented Britain!!!!! There was a lot of the usual suspects (eg The Beano, Dad's Army, Morcame & Wise, etc.) along with the really bizzare!!!!!!! For example, someone had a picture of a loo brush, and said they picked it because Britain is a "toilet"!!!!!! Well, OK, I just made that one up, but some of the other ones were just as strange!!!! Anyway, we ended up in this big hall with loads of big placards telling us how bloody brilliant Britain is etc., and some bizzare sculptures in the center of the room with some slightly less flattering images!!!

If there's been any problem I've got with the dome, it's the slightly propagandist angle of a lot of the exhibits!!!!!! It's like they're saying "Don't worry about the economy, Britains a really great place, and all the big corporations are going to take care of everything!!!!! Oh and by the way you'll need to be able to learn loadsa new skills or else we won't be able to chuck you between loads of 'flexible' jobs!!!!!!!"

Anyway, I then went to the Play zone- and it was filled with loads of strange "toys" that to be honest, I wouldn't exactly want to pay money for!!!!!! There were quite interesting tho, especially the "Sofavision" one, which entailed sitting down on a sofa in front of a camera, whilst someone else sat on a similarly accoutred sofa in the other end of the room, and the images of the two sofa with folks on them were superimposed and broadcast on a tellyscreen in front of each sofa!!!!!!! So people on either sofa could see each other!!!! This effect was usually used by kids to do stuff like pretend fights or sticking the finger "up" the nostril of the person on the other sofa!!!!!!!

Anyway, time for the film!!!!!!!!!! Blackadder Goes Back and Forth wasn't too bad- not too many attempts at reworking old ground!!!!! Tho again, I didn't notice a slightly "patriotic" and "educational" tone to it!!!!!! This film was shown on a big cinema screen at some place outside the dome called Skyscape!!!!!!! Talk about a stupid name!!!!!! Skyscape?!?!??!?! "Landscape" or "seascape" maybe, but "skyscape" sounds like two mixed metaphors getting mixed up!!!!!! It's like calling a radio "televisual"!!!!!!!!! Mind you, it was hosted by Sky telly, so we're not talking about the brightest sparks on the block here!!!!!!! For example, their attempts at audience participation before the film were pretty pitiful!!!!!!! Some people pretending to be "alternative" comedians pretending to be ticket inpsectors or builders or scientests started to harrass random members of the audience in the name of "alternative" comedy!!!!!! Tho they got a bit quieter when I quietly told the ticket inspectors exactly where I proposed to insert their torches if they messed with me!!!!!!!! During this episode, some interminable video of various people dancing like lunatics in what one presumed to be a "comedy" fashion on the screen- presumably the thinking here is that if one can't tell a complete joke, then one can just act like a complete joke, and that's comedy!!!!!!! In which case, Sky must be the funniest television channel in television history!!!!!!!!! There was a big plug for Sky telly as well of course, and some corny "message" promo film for "Reach for Sky"- Sky's sponsored "Hey Kids!!! Get up and do something with your life!!!" type scheme!!!!!!! Unfortunately a lot of people thought it was a comedy sketch and started laughing at the really crappy script and "Grange Hill" style acting!!!!!!!

Anyway, that was the Dome- it's wasn't too bad!!!! If they made the tone of the exhibits a little less sniffy and the price a lot cheaper (£20?!??!?!?!?!) then it could have been a great success!!!!!

So back to the London Eye in time for 4:30!!!!! Actually, the sun was setting at time, and giving a most interesting view!!!! The Eye doesn't actually go round at full pelt like a ferris wheel!!!!! It actually goes around very slowly and unless you look at the wheel, you barely notice you're moving- there's just a very slow change in perspective as you go up very slowly, then go down very slowly!!!!! Actually the view as we reached the top was jolly nice!!!!! On this night of course, there was load of people letting of fireworks, so wherever you looked, there was the occasional little burst of fireworks on the horizon!!!!!!! While one of these was going on, I asked some bloke to take a picture of me pretending to sneeze with a fireworks display in the background, so it would look like I was sneezing fireworks!!!!!! Unfortunately as soon as I posed for the camera, the display stopped!!!!!!!! Bah!!!!!!!

Talking of fireworks, at the time I was writing the original versh of this last night some folks in the park outside decided to let of zillions of fireworks!!!! They were most spectacular- much better than the droning pub band who were playing some "open air" concert not so far away!!!!! There were a lot of racuous ladies from Spain who were also watching the display from their window in the other end of the hostel courtyard!!!!!! However as soon as I stepped out to watch it, I noticed a number of wolf whistles coming in my direction!!!!!! It's good to see the more mature man is still appreciated by some!!!!!!!

Anyway, enough craptalk for now- I'm off to see some more sights before I get on tha bus to Glasgow later tonight!!!!!!

London farts- part 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm typing this in an internet cafe- in the Millenium Dome!!!!!!!!!!!!! See, it's good for something!!!!!!!!!! So all you dome-knockers (Ooh-errr, that sounds a bit rude!!!!!!!!!!!) can stick that up yer lum!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I finally got to that big ferris wheel (aka the London Eye), and spent bloody ages queueing for a ticket only to find out that they were booked out hours in advance!!!!!!!!!!! I got a ticket for 4:30-5:00pm, so hopefully the sun won't have set by then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, here I am, at tha Dome!!!!!!!! It's interesting so far!!! I went on a rather spectacular fairground ride, which involved being strapped into a vehicle thingy, which was lifted up by magnetic coils!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then it was dropped to the ground!!!!!!!!!! Luckily some magnets at the other end slowed it down before everyone was squished!!!!!!!!!! I would have been most cross if those magnets didn't work!!!!! I notice they advise you to put your valuables in special containers on the ground to prevent them flying away or something!!!!!!!!!!! Which is really handy for them because if the machine goes wrong and everybody on the ride dies, then at least they've got your valuables safe!!!!!!!!!

I've only been in 3 "zones" so far... The Money one was absolute claptrap propaganda!!!!!!!! It was basically telling you not to worry too much about not having enough money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Work zone was a bit more interesting, but I couldn't help feeling it was also trying to "mould" folk as well, especially some of the wacky "games", which looked suspsiciously like those funny "prometric" tests all those "human resources" suits are really keen on these days!!!!!!!!!!!

The Learning zone was a bit better tho!!!!! It started with one going up an escalator to the strains of the theme from "Take Hart"!!!!! Then you entered the room, and it was a big school hall!!!!!!!!!! There was some young lady who acted as though she was a Headmistress!!!!!!!!!! And she had the cheek to say I was setting a bad example "to the other boys" by putting my hands in my pockets!!!!!!!!!! I countered that she was setting a bad example to the other girls by dressing in such a poor approximation of a St Trinians naughty schoolgirl!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, after the riot was cleared up, we were finally let into some big room, where some corny film was show on the screen for a bit involving some young girl who had obviously attended stage school rather than the real one portrayed in this one!!!!!!!!!! Then at the end the screen lifted up, and there was some massive mirrored room with loads of fake trees, and some old woman pretending to be the young lady in the film, inviting us in!!!!!!!! Then we went in, and found there was nothing in the room apart from some "interactive" trivia machines!!!!!!!!!

Then I went outside, and a few strange people acting strange to keep the people in the queues amused!!!!!!!!! Then I ventured into the centre of the Dome, and found this place!!!!!!!!!! Great huh!!!!!! ATM there's some bunch of kids on the stage opposite who appear to be doing the sort of performances one would get on "Michael Barrymore's 'My Kind of People'"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, enough craptalk from me- I going to take a look in on that Blackadder programme!!!!!!!!!!!!

A fart in London!!!!

Yes, I finally got down there!!!!!! And now I'm typing in this stuffs from the internet terminal in a Youth Hostel in London!!!!!! Yes, they still have electricity after all those storms last week!!!! Will wonders never cease?!?!??!

So far, there's been no signs of gales or rain or earthquakes or whatnot, and apparently the weather is going to be decent-ish 2morrow!!!!!!! So it looks like a packed day tomorrow!!!!!! I think I'll go up on that big ferris wheel thingy!!!!!!!!!

Mediterranean Farts!!!!!

Well, you might have heard of the Antartic Ozone Hole, but here's a new one!!!!!!! Watch out for the Mediterranean Methane Bubbles!!!!!! Apparetnly there's a lot of "gas" lying around on the floor of the Mediterranean, and global warming could be causing it to rise!!!! The bubbles could even cuase ships to sink, turning the area into "a kind of Greek Bermuda triangle"!!!!!!! Oddly enough, methane bubbles has actually been suggested as a way of explaing the Bermuda Triangle as well...

Death by gassy farts from the bowels of the planet!??!?!?!? Sounds a bit nasty to me!!!!!!!!

Thursday's rather useless quote!!!!!

It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards. [Well, yes, I suppose it is, but I'm not aware of any memory that works in a forward direction, are you!??!?!?! If that were the case, you would have memories of reading the next story before you read it, you silly sausage!!!!!!!!!]

Calvinist Coffee!!!!!!!

Now this is vaguely interesting!!!!! Some columnist in the Glasgow Herald has offered an illluminating insight into the complexity of the Christian faith in Scotland- and he's explained in terms of a brown liquid!!!!!!!!!! Yes, he's explaining the churches in terms of coffee!!!!!!!!!!!

Think Presbyterianism, think coffee. The Church of Scotland, to which I belong, is the decaffeinated version of Presbyterianism. It's a bit bland, worthy, and generally kindly: a broad Church, with all the strengths and weaknesses that term implies. The United Free Church is also decaff. As you move to the right, starting with the Free Kirk and moving through the Free Kirk (Continuing) to the Reformed and Associated Presbyterian Churches - plus the other theological splinter groups whose differences cannot be observed by the naked eye - the caffeine gets stronger and stronger. In fact, the granules become positively nuclear. When you reach the outer fringes, you're taking 100% proof intravenously; you're in the specialist territory for serious addicts.

No wonder a lot of those fundamentalist types act so wacky!!!!!!!!! They probably have trouble getting to sleep!!!!!!!!!!

Another busy day!!!!

Well, I've been faffing about with Flash, jostling about with Javascript, and attacking ASCII files today!!!!!! And I've had absolutely flip all time to do stuffs for SC!!!!! In fact, I've only got time to tell you I don't have time to do anything else!!!!!!!! Harumph!!!!!!!

BTW I am actually going to London this weekend!!!!! From Friday to Monday!!!!!!! I dunno if I'll be able to get as much written when I'm down there, as I was in Paris tho!!!!!! I mean, it's not the continent of Europe!!!! They might look on "internet terminals" as new fangled down there!!!!! And also, the poor folks in the South of England have been getting battered by the elements (wind, rain, snow, tornados, etc!) recently!!!!!!!!

So I'll be lucky if the electricity's still on when I get down there!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday's "gritty" quote!!!!

You can't clean up this world with soft soap; it takes grit. [Just try washing your hands with grit then, you complete g(r)it!!!!]

Glasgow Herald: Not a friend of McLeish!!!!!

Hmmm!!!!! We reported on last week's Herald story about new Scottish First Minister pissing off some tabloid newspapers!!!!!! Well, now the Herald's doing some more on McLeish!!!!! The funny little man from the Western Isles has been taking off time writing about the Renfrew Ferry and suchlike, and slagged him off!!!!!

Newspaper politics, eh!!!! Still, it has some interesting stuff about former US president Calvin Coolidge (Who I used to think was some old quiz show host turned fashion guru!!!!!!!!!!)

"I bet a friend, Mr President, that I could get a dozen words out of you tonight," trilled a lady at dinner. "You lose," said Coolidge. Mrs Coolidge once inquired as to the substance of the minister's sermon. "Sin." "What about sin, Cal?" "Against." Coolidge declined a second term in the White House; his entire withdrawal statement was 10 words - "I do not choose to run for President in 1928."

Cripes!!!!! A US presedential debate with folks like that would last about 2 mins!!!!!!!!!

Badly designed webpage says: Flash is bad design!!!!!!!

Well, after flash being cast as Satan not so long ago, there of course had to be someone fighting back with religious fervour!!! And that person is of course Mr User Friendly Experience himself, Jakob Neilsen, who thinks overuse of Flash contributes towards bad design and usability!!!!!

What's amusing tho is that there appears to be a bit of a design flaw in the web page itself, which results in the article appearing in black text- on a black background!!!!!!!!

Time to sort out your own useability there, I think!!!!!!!

Watch out for the yottabytes!!!!!!!

Nope!!!!!!!!! We're not talking about some distant archeological relative of the trilobytes here!!!!!!!!!! We're of course talking about a measurement of data storage size!!!!!!! If you thought gigabytes and terabytes were a lot of stuffs, then apparently the world produced 2.1 "exabytes", and if you don't understand that you need to read this spiffy article, which talks about, erm, what a jolly big wad of information we store these days on tha compute!!!!!!!!

BTW I've probably viewed at least a terabyte in web pages alone since I started Senior Citizen!!!!!!!!!!!!

To locate people on a Friday- use elves!!!!!

Well, I bet you'd never thought you'd see the day when mythical fairytale characters appear as spiffy handheld computers!!!!!! Well, to be honest, neither did I!!!!!!! But this lot did!!!!!!!

At least, they've named their spiffy handheld project "Electronic Elves" for some reason!!!!!!!! There's also some unexplained reference to a "Friday People Locator Service" as well!!!! Tho, why, I dunno!!!!!!!!

I notice one of their crew is named after that Chandrashekar dude who worked out equations governing the size of the singularity of a black hole!!!! Well, let's hope this project doesn't get sucked into oblivion by an extreme gravational force!!!!!!!!!! That would be really unfortunate!!!!!!!!

Wot do you mean that foxtrot is illegal, officer?!??!?!?!?

I'd better watch out when I'm strutting my funky stuff on tha Derek Dancefloor, in tha Nigel Nightclub!!!!! Because, according to this article there are now "Dance Inspectors" in Scotland!!!!!!!! And they've come up with the completely unexpected conclusion that Scottish men are crap at dancing!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!!!!

Wotz tha Groove?!?!?!?!?!

I saw this thingy being launched the other week, but I didn't post a story because I didn't exactly see what the actual point of it was!!!!!!!!

And I still don't see exactly wots so spiffy about Groove, even after reading this helpful article, which informs me that it's a bit like Lotus Notes, but based on the web rather than a local network!!!!!!

Well, I suppose that clears all it up!!!!!!!!! (By the way, I'm actually being sarcastic there!!!!!!!!)

Wacky weather!??!? Blame China!!!!!!

So, after Britain gets stuck after the "wrong" type of weather, maybe it's citizens will be a bit more attuned to the idea of weather modification!!!!!!! However, the number one country in weather modification is none other than China, which many are seeing as the next Cold War villian!!!! (Which is a bit ironic, when you think about it!!!!!!)

Even more ominously, it's expertise is in creating rainclouds!!!!!! Cripes!!!!!! if South East took any more rain, it would sink!!!!!!!!

Tuesday's "interesting" "bon mot"!!!!

The best way to criticise the work of others is to do yours better. [Of course, you can always slag it off later as well!!!!!!]

UK: "a nation of big girls' blouses"!!!!!!

Well, the South of England is now recovering after a rather large showering and some rather stiff wind!!!!! And now here's someone grumbling about the coverage!!!!!!!!! It's David Aaronovitch, the bloke who did that classic Doctor Who episode where the Dalek goes up the stairs!!!!!! In his "amusing" article, he says:

BBC2 has recently been full of excellent programmes warning of global natural disasters that are inevitable. A mega-tsunami, or tidal wave, unleashed when half of Gran Canaria falls into the Atlantic Ocean (as it's going to) will unleash a wave 650 metres high on the east coast of the United States, swamping everything from Walt Disney World to the spire on the Empire State. Meanwhile, heading towards us through the uncharted depths of space, is an asteroid with our name on it. It may come tomorrow, it may arrive in the year 4007, but when it does impact, then it's perpetual winter. Which is a long way from a great fart in a south-coast caravan park.

?!???!?!?! I don't remember being in any caravan park in the south coast last weekend!!!!!!!!! Are you sure you're not confusing me with someone else, Aaronovitch?!?!?!

Inevitabubble Hallowe'en piccy!!!!

Faq start!!!!

OK, this is another busy day for me, so no time to do loadsa mega stories!!!!!! In fact, I might be busy all week, and the rate of stories might end up a bit thinner than William Hagues bonce!!!!!!!! But I have finally added the long awaited FAQ to SC!!!! Look out for the link marked "FAQ"!!!!!!!!!

Wot do you mean it looks crap!!!!!! Well, don't worry, a redesign is coming!!!!!!!

Monday's "fruitcake" quote!!!!!

Look on the world as a big fruit cake. It wouldn't be complete without a few nuts in it. [I'll remember that one when I'm answering my email!!!!!!!!!]

Thurdays Truly Terrible Pun!!!!

Nowadays the world revolves on it's taxes. [Nurse, my sides!!!!!!!]

Labarynthine Friday Quote!!!!

If it weren't for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn't know how he happy he isn't. [Ah, but if someone who is pessimistic about being optimistic is a pessimist, how come someone who's optimistic about being pessimistic is not an optimist?!?!?!?! Work that one out then, smartypants!!!!!!]

Eco car is hot air- literally!!!!!!

I've been seeing lots of politician types mouthing off on tha tellybox about the enviroment, and I've always wondered- why don't they (almost literally) put their money where their mouth is, and harness the vast amount of energy that comes from all the hot air they talk about the subject!??!?!?!? I mean, I'm pretty sure someone could take a few pipes out of the top of the Houses of Parliament and Lords for use in a massive Combined Heating Program scheme to heat the rest of London!!!!! And when Tony Blair's out around the country and making some speech, he could wear a mask which traps his hot air and use it to drive a turbine generator!!!!! This would of course have the additional advantage of obscuring his annoying grin as well!!!!! So everyone's a winner, really!!!!!!!!

Well, it looks like someone has finally taken notice of my simple but practical idea!!!!! Say hello to a car- which runs on air!!!!!!

Just think!!!!! John "Two Jags" Prescott will be able to drive himself around the country, just by talking a lot- which he does already!!!!!! And the Conservative party would be completely self-sufficient as far as transport costs are concerned!!!!!

And now the outlook: showers of meteors and "coronal mass ejections"!!!!

U-no, next time I'm taking a trip up in space, I'll check this w3site out- for the weather!!!!!

That's because it's a NetWeb site reporting on weather- in space!!!!!!!! Find out all the latest about avoiding the "Orionids" (Which sounds a bit painful!!!!! I'd recommend plenty of Preparation H, some Ovaltine, and a good night's rest!!!!!!!) and loads of info on "The Extraordinary Geomagnetic Perseid Meteor Shower"!!!!!!! (!!!)

At the time of writing the Solar Wind is 358.2 km/s, which sounds a bit like Gale Force 34!!!!!!! And there's 113 spots on the surface!!!!!!

Loads of acne- and it blows about a lot... Sounds like the Sun's a bit of a stroppy teenager, doesn't it!!!!!!!

Gilbert Ratchett- in Japanese!!!!!!!

One of my friends is getting a bit cheesed off at the way everyone seems to be doing comics in a Manga stylee!!!!!! Well, I don't have too much of a problem with that if it means you stuff like this Manga version of Viz!!!!!!

Wot a smart politician!!!!!

Seems like Scotland's new First Minister Henry McLeish has got off to a cracking start by pissing off the editors of four tabloid newspapers!!!!!!

Nothing like good publicity, eh!!!!!! And this was certainly nothing like good publicity!!!!!!!!!

Bloke wants to switch babies "off"!!!!!!!

There's this bloke in the Glasgow Herald, that writes all manner of whimsical "opinion" articles!!!!!! Usually they're uninteresting fluff!!!!! But this one isn't!!!!!!!! He's wittering on about mobile phones ringing in churches or some such nonsense!!!!! But then he says:

Another problem of noise intrusion at religious services which is less easy to solve. Babies are louder than mobile phones and cannot be switched off.

Switching "off" babies?!??!?!

I hope there aren't any genetic engineers reading this!!!!!!!!!

Young codgers talk about grey hair!!!!!

Ahhh!!!! It warms the heart of my cockles to see that even young whippersnappers are getting worried about grey hair!!!!!!!!!!

To which I say- who cares!!!!!! Let it grow grey!!!!! Or dye it puce if want!!!!!!!

Wot, no Thursday?!?!?!?

I was busy!!!!! There's a big demand on people with my talents, you know!!!! And unlike some people who do weblogs, some of us have to do "proper" work!!!!!!! Anyway, here's...

It's "State The Bleeding Obvious" Wednesday!!!!

Advertising is what tells us which luxuries we can't do without. [No!!!!!! Really?!??!?!?!]

Album covers- with Lego people!!!!!!

For once, I am speechless!!!!!!!!

Napster is dead!!!!!!

Quick, before it's too late!!!!!!!!! Napster is dead!!!!!!! Switch to Gnutella/Freenet/PloppyTrader!!!!!

Well, OK, it's not that bad really, but Napster can't have too long to go!!!!! Because those well know trend-setters Chumbawumba are using it!!!!!!!!!! Even worse, they're taking part in one of the more interesting phenonemnomenons happenin' on tha Napster NetWeb- wacky bootleg remixes!!!!!!!

According to this article, The Chumbies have remixed one of their songs with samples of: (Watch out for a completely not-expected-in-any-way list here!!!!) Metallica, Dr Dre, Eminemenineminem, Lars Ulrich, Noam Chomsky and Jello Biafra!!!!!!

At least they didn't use Napster to spread the track!!!!!! Rather naively, they're put it on their own website!!!!!! It'll be interesting to see how long it lasts up there!!!!!

Railtrack Luftwaffe!!!!!!

Eeek!!! And I thought the railways in the UK were in a bad state!!!!!!! But check this out!!!!!! The West Coast line in Scotland has been closed down while techhy people do "ultrasound" tests on the track integrity!!!!!!!

But it gets worse!!!!!!! Look at what the "High Heid Yin" from the rail company says:

I would like to apologise to all rail passengers. It is going to be an extremely difficult week for them. We are now going to have to blitz the network and run it for safety.

Blitz the network?!??!?!?!??!?! What sort of hair-brained wheeze is this?!?!??!! I've been in the wars and I can tell you from experience that having an area blitzed does not neccessarily increase it's safety factor!!!!!!! In fact, it's usually the opposite!!!!!!!!

Anyway, how are they going to do it??!?!?! Are they going to borrow a couple of stealth bombers from someone?!??!?!?!? Or maybe they've bought their own, which would explain why the rail network's been so underfunded and is falling to bits!!!!!!!!!

Sort your priorities out, you saps!!!!!!!

Rave around tha Dome!!!!!!

U-no, I might be going to London in the next couple of weeks!!!!!!! If so, I think I'll pay a visit to that Millenium Dome!!!!!!!!!!! Why!?!?!? Because there's been so many "Dome = shit" stories in the UK media that it can't possibly be that awful!!!!!!!!

I mean, look at this story!!!! According to tha Glasgow Herald, when the Dome closes on Dec 31st, the folks are planning to throw a rave!!!!!! Mind you, the folks in charge of the Dome are not supposed to be that hip to the beat!!!!! So their idea of a "rave" might involve putting on Pink Floyd!!!!!! Still, it would be most amusing if Craig David come on at the same time, and they did a UK Garage version of "Comfortably Numb"!!!!! Imagine the scene: a nice big chunky beat with Craig David going: "Uh... Craig David... Uh, uh.... Bo Selecta!!!! etc" and David Gilmour widdling away on some guitar solo oddessy, with a slightly pained look on his face!!!!!!!!!

I'd certainly go down to London for this!!!!!!

Tuesday's ill thought out quote!!!!

If it's true the worlds getting smaller, why do they keep increasing the price of postage? [Because (a) Inflation!!!!! (b) It's not true!!!!! The world isn't literally getting smaller!!!!! That's just a metaphor, you buffoon!!!!!]

Go on a ferry- and write for a newspaper!!!!!!

Those folks in the dead tree media must be getting really desperate!!!!!! Especially now they're got competition from the likes of me!!!!!!

I mean, check this one out!!!!!! John MacLeod, the funny little man from the Western Isles who writes for The Glasgow Herald, has had a reputation of fulminating over some such subject or another in the past!!!!! But he's been rather quiet of late!!!!!! And wot does he write about today?!??!?!?!? "I decide to seize advantage of a rare Glasgow sojourn and visit an old friend."

Who's he talking about?!?!? Only the flippin Renfrew Ferry!!!!!!!! He goes to the ferry, gets on it, then crosses the river, then gets off!!!!!!

Like, wow!!!!!!!! Serious competition for all you diary weblogs there!!!!!!!! How can you compete??!?!?!??!?

Wot a great advert for UK democracy!!!!!!!

U-no, that olde parliament down in Westminster has got some new bloke to bang his gavel and shuffle his wig!!!!! I dunno why he does it tho!!!!!!! But apparently this bloke, who comes from just up the road from me, is the new "Speaker" of the Houses of Parliament!!!!!! Er, hang on, I thought everyone spoke there!!!!!! It would be a bit difficult for the Speaker to a ventriliquoist act with every MP!!!!!!!!! Tho it would explain why everyone there talks so funny!!!!!!!!

Erm, where was I?!?!?!? Oh yes, the Glasgow Herald has been wittering on about the vote for the Speaker being a "farce" and putting Westminster into "disrepute"!!!!!! (!!!!) But that's Nothing compared what I read later in this article...

In traditional style he was dragged to the chair, which he has occupied from time to time since 1997 as a Deputy Speaker. MPs applauded heartily.

U wot??!?!?!? "Dragged" to the chair?!!??!?! On the first day of his new job!??!?!? What sort of state was he in that he had to be "dragged" to the chair?!?!?!?! And MPs actually applauded this!??!?!?!?! And this is supposed to be traditional?!??!??!?!?!?!?!

Blimey!!!!!!!!! If this is the way Parliament works, I don't think they have to be too worried about the voting system bringing them into disrepute!!!!!!!!!!

Monday's vom-inducingly trite quote!!!!

As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point your way. [Believe me sonny, it would not be as big a pain in the bum as that ultra-cheesy quote!!!!!!!]

The word on tha street: Paul McCartney and Forrest Gump!!!!!!!

Hello!!!!! Have you ever wanted to know what the "buzz" was on tha sttreet?!?!?!?!?! And I'm not talking about the soundtracker here!!!!!!! I'm talking about what's "in" in today's crazy multimedia world!!!!!!!!!

Well, to be honest I'm not!!!!!!! I'm old enough to see the "big picture" and know that fashion is a load of complete and utter bollox!!!!! It doesn't matter whether you're "hip" or not ATM, because even if it isn't whatever you're doing will be fashionable 10-20 years later and everyone will pretend they always thought it was cool, like a bunch of idiot lemmings!!!!!!!

Fume, fume!!!!! Erm, anyway!!!! Here's another reason to avoid "What's In" lists- Yahoo has just started an online version called Buzz, and at the time of writing amongst the Top of Buzz is such hipsters as Paul McCartney and Forrest Gump!!!!!!!! Even more bizzare- the number 1 of number 1s is:

Derek Jeter - leading the Yankees into the battle of New York.

?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

A weed- with sunglassess!!!

Remember the old days before "dumbed down" TV, when kids had prrogrammes with such taxing dialogue as: "Flobalobalob!!!! Weee-eee-eeed!!!!!"!?!??!?!??!

Yes I am of course talking about Bill & Benn The Flowerpot Men!!!!! Apparently, it's getting remade for tha tellybox!!!!!!! Some bloke at the Independent isn't too pleased tho!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies & Gentlemen... The greatest Rock 'n' Roll band in the world... 386 DX / 4Mb RAM / EGA / 40 Mb HD Synchronized text-to-speech and midi synthesis!!!!!

But in future, the likes of Westlife had better watch out!!!!!! Never mind E17, it'll soon be time for 386DX!!!!!!!

As predicted by a story reported in a really ancient issue of this very organ, we're now starting to see computers making rock music, and here's one such "combo" from Russia!!!!!!!!! The music made by MIDI, and the vocals by speach synthesisiser!!!!! Hence the name "386 DX / 4Mb RAM / EGA / 40 Mb HD Synchronized text-to-speech and midi synthesis"!!!!! I can't wait to download their version of Smells Like Teen Spirit!!!!!! But I'll probably have to!!!!!! Because it's on a Russian server!!!!!!!!!

Whilst they're sorting out the server probs, we reckon they should fix their name as well!!!!! Maybe shorten it to:

• MIDI Magicians!!!!
  
• EGAd!!!!!
  
• RAMRock!!!!!!!
  
• The Virtual Voice Karaoke Experience!!!!
  
• AC-PC!!!!!! (Doh!!!!)
  
• DX Disco!!!!
  
• PCB Popsters!!!!!
  
• VGA Videostars!!!!
  
• Electric Light Orchestra!!!! (Oh no!!!! Someone's thought of that one!!!!)
  
• Electrix!!!!! (Damn, someone's thought of that one as well!!!!)
  

And even better, they could get some crap Metal Mickey lookalike robot to dance along in their videos!!!!!!!!

Wipe your bottom- on Bill Gates face!!!!!

Have you ever seen some buffon on tha tellybox and thought: "That face would make great toilet paper!!!!!" I know I have!!!!!!! Well, now, thanks to the miracle that is tha w3, you can now do this!!!!! And it's all thanks to ... erm, Carlsberg!!!!!! No, not the squiffy drinks people!!!! Some "grafix inc." (Which is a funny way to spell "graphics" if you ask me!!!!! And their spelling of "ink" is not too hot either!!!!!!)

Woops, where was I!??!?!? Anyway!!!! This lot do custom toilet paper, for which you can supply the "grafix"!!!!! So you can print on them any number of famous faces (Or should be that be "faeces"!??!?! Guffaw guffaw!!!! Wot a wacky off-the-wall person I must be!!!!!) Erm, anyway!!! You can print them on it and stuff...

I was seriously thinking of ordering my own custom made "TP" with the various members of Westlife printed on it, but then I realised that if wiped my "bunghole" with it, I'd probably end up with more crap than when I started!!!!!!!!

Robbie Williams: "Emo"!!!!!!

Well, I never!!!!!! Obviously Robbie Williams is a bit more broadminded than we gave him credit for!!!!!!!! There's this netWeb siteWeb on some new-fangled grunge/rock/plop guitary stuff called "emo"!!!!!!! On the opening page is a photo of a band called "Still Life"- and look who the lead singer is!!!!!!!!!!

Gary Numan: "Old School"!!!!!!

"Listen: I know without doubt that I am the best artist in the world and have been for the last seven years. Not because my music is the best, but because there's never been any compromise. The only artists who've done that are old school: Bob Dylan, James Brown, Public Enemy and Gary Numan."

At last- recognition for Numan!!!!!!! So, who is this glorious pretender to Gazzas throne?!?! None other than good ol' Tricky in this most interesting interview!!!! He's got some new record out apparently.

Al Gore is paranoid!!!!!

Well, we didn't have any complaints when we linked to a story calling George W Bush a "loser", so we'll probably have no problem with calling Al Gore "paranoid"!!!!!!!

Why?!?!?!? Well, if you take a look at his campaign website... So wot you might roar!!!!!! Well, look at the source code of the webpage, and you get:

Thanks for checking out our source code! I plan to use this space to post special messages to those who are helping to improve our web site -- by making our site the best it can be. The fact that you are peeking behind the
scenes at our site means you can make an important difference to this Internet effort. I'm grateful for your help and support in this campaign. Now let's keep working to build the 21st Century of our dreams!

Al Gore

Crickey!!!!! This dude's so tight on media coverage he's even put his own stuff into the source code of his website!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about flippin' paranoid!!!!!!

A Fart in Paris!!!!!

OK, some of you are wondering what happened to all those wonderful photies I took of my stay in Paris!!!!!!!!!

Well, here they are!!!!! In a wonderful new "special" section called A Fart in Paris!!!!!!!!!!

Friday's cheesy rhyming quote!!!!

Drive with care. Life has no spare. [Erm... So there!!!!]